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Subj: How To Go To The Big City and Become A Superhero Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 at 11:26:21 pm EDT (Viewed 16 times) | |||
So one day I decided to go to the big city to become a superhero. I packed some bread and some cheese up into a handkerchief and wrapped it on a stick. It was my aunt’s handkerchief but I knew she wouldn’t mind. I waited until after 9.30 to go to the big city to become a superhero. That way I could use my bus pass. I got the 9.38 to Paradopolis, stopping at Cranford, Harley, Bessington, Twoford, and Dullard’s Corner. There is nothing at all interesting at Dullard’s Corner. Or Twoford. When I got to Paradopolis I got off the bus. Paradopolis is the terminus. I hadn’t been to Paradopolis before I went there to become a superhero. It is bigger than my hometown, and nobody wanted to give me directions. Even when I called them sir or ma’am. There was a kiosk outside the bus station where a man sold newspapers. He also had postcards, and there was this one postcard It said, “Welcome to Paradopolis†and it had a map of the city on it. It showed all the famous landmarks like the Twin Parody Tower and the Variety Hall. It showed Off-Central Park and St Jude’s Cathedral. It showed the Esqualine Tower where the Carnifex lives. It showed Gothametropolis York over the river and above that There was an arrow that pointed to the radioactive wasteland and it said “Here be monstersâ€Â. I wondered if I should go to the radioactive wasteland to fight the monsters But I had used most of my money on the bus journey (even with my bus pass) And also buying the postcard (I did not get a discount for my bus pass) So I decided that I had better stick to my original plan Which was to go to Paradopolis and be a superhero there And fight crime. I looked up into the sky but there was no alien attack happening just then. The newspaper man said he could tell I was a tourist Because Paradopolis isn’t attacked by aliens every day no matter what the TV says. Only about three times a week. So then I asked him where I should go to be a superhero and fight crime And he said I should go join the Lair Legion, who are all superheroes and fight crime Except for one or two who are loathsome elder creatures or pure thought beings Who are actually loathsome elder creatures and pure thought beings who fight crime. So I got on the overhead monorail and asked for a ticket to the Lair Legion please But the ticket man said that the Lair Mansion is restricted to superheroes only Unless you are somebody that needs help from superheroes and then you are allowed in. At your own risk. Avoid the stunulators. I said I was not needing help from the Lair Legion but I was a superhero. So then he said that the Lair Legion didn’t just allow any old superhero to join them, spiffy excepted. And maybe Nats. And ManMan. To join the Lair Legion you have to be major league. Otherwise you have to join the Abandoned Legion or the JBH or the Globetrotting Gangbusters. Or you have to join the Junior Lair Legion and get set on fire by Kerry Shepherdson. He asked me if I had ever fought any famous supervillains or saved the planet. I said that I recycled and did that count but he said No, had I ever battled Anvil Man or Peter von Doom or Count Armageddon Or slept with VelcroVixen? And I said not exactly but I had watched them on the news sometimes. And there is a crater in my hometown when a piece of rock demolished the fishing tackle shop When Donar kicked Quake that one time. Two states away. They have put up a sign to commemorate it (The rock hitting the fishing shop I mean, not what happened two states away Although they might have put up a sign about that for all I know But I do not know for sure And I wouldn't want you to make a special trip and get disappointed.) But don't believe those hawkers who try to sell you pieces of the rock A lot of those pieces are scams. Even the ones signed by Donar and Quake. So the ticket man said maybe I should make a reputation for myself as a superhero Before I went and joined the Lair Legion Because otherwise they might throw me out or laugh at me Or make me get trained by Yuki Shiro. I was worried then because if I didn’t go to the Lair Legion Who was going to help me find supervillains to fight so I could be a superhero And if I went to the Lair Legion why would they let me in If I hadn’t fought any supervillains? But the overhead monorail ticket man couldn’t help me with that. So I took a ticket to Parody Plaza to think things over. And I ate my bread and cheese from my handkerchief And I looked at the memorial plaque where the Parody War ended And I would have bought an ice cream Except they are very expensive in Parody Plaza And I didn’t have enough change after the overhead monorail and the postcard and the bus ride. And I began to feel a little bit down then Because it isn’t easy going to Paradopolis and becoming a superhero. It’s not as simple as it looks. And it started to rain. I stood in the rain and wondered if maybe I should have not come to Paradopolis to become a superhero. Or maybe if I should have gone to somewhere else instead, like Gothametropolis York (Except that everyone is very unfriendly in Gothametropolis York And you can get arrested for being a superhero there And the police will give you body cavity searches And not everybody likes that kind of thing) And I felt even more down then, and a little bit damp Because superhero costumes are quite thin and they don’t keep the rain off very well And capes really retain water. But then someone came and asked me if I was okay It was a pretty girl with long dark hair and her name was Sarah. She asked me if I would like to come in to her coffee shop out of the rain. I could not afford to go into Sarah’s coffee shop but she said that was okay Because all superheroes got their first coffee free in her coffee shop. I asked her how she knew I was a superhero. She said that the cape and the spandex were a bit of a giveaway, really But I had better get out of the rain unless my superpowers included an immunity to head colds. And also spandex can be painful if it shrinks. So I went into her coffee shop Which is just round the corner off Parody Plaza in the shadow of the Twin Parody Tower But I explained to Sarah that maybe I shouldn’t get a free coffee because I hadn’t gone to the Lair Legion to get a supervillain to fight. I didn’t even have the forms to apply for a supervillain Or know if there was a waiting list. I confessed that I was worried that maybe I hadn’t got the right stuff to be a superhero in Paradopolis. I don’t think Hatman would give up because his spandex was turning transparent with the water. Sarah said not to worry as the standards weren’t as high as I might think And she served a cruller to a man in a green sweater and said at least I was probably a real superhero Who did not tease semi-innocent young waitresses because Rico had not phoned them back yet. And I was not the Devil. Sarah was right. I am not the Devil. If I was I probably wouldn’t want to go to Paradopolis and be a superhero. Sarah said that you didn’t really have to worry about finding supervillains Generally they found you, but if I really felt I needed help then All I needed to do was hang around in her coffee shop for a while Because it was about due for another supervillain incursion But not the 12.15 supervillain incursion Because those guys were just calling for their usual take-out lattes And they were always very good about phoning their sandwich orders on ahead. So I waited in Sarah’s coffee shop And I waited for a supervillain incursion. About 1.25 a supervillain came in to rob the till and his name was the Pulveriser. He was new in town also and his power was to pulverise stuff. I asked Sarah how she knew he was new in town And the man with the green sweater said that only a newbie villain would be dumb enough To try and rob the Bean and Donut Coffee Shop Because if the heroes didn't get him then The supervillains who were regulars and liked the latte would And besides nobody was really 100% comfortable about Messenger being truly finally dead and don't get him started about the Hooded Hood So I didn't. And the Pulveriser looked kind of confused And a bit spooked by all the customers sitting and watching him Like he was some kind of floor show. And some of them were taking bets. I was going to get up and stop him (By striking terror into the hearts of evildoers) But just then CrazySugarFreakBoy! called by for his sarsaparilla with extra extra sugar And before I could fight crime He bounced the Pulveriser out of the back door And pulverised him. I ran out to help CrazySugarFreakBoy! pulverise the Pulveriser And maybe do a team-up But by then CrazySugarFreakBoy! had already pulverised the Pulveriser So he did not realise that I was a superhero doing a team up And he gave me his autograph instead. It had a smiley face in it. And then he bounced away to take the Pulveriser to jail. I asked Sarah why CrazySugarFreakBoy! hadn’t realised that I was a superhero doing a team-up After all I was wearing my spandex and my cape And it was mostly dry by now (Although you should not wear red underpants under wet spandex Especially if they are not color-fast) Sarah said that she thought that when CrazySugarFreakBoy! looked at the world He saw pretty much everyone wearing spandex and capes. And I worried that maybe now Sarah would expect me to pay for the coffee Because I had not battled a supervillain and could not prove I was a superhero And I could not go to the Lair Mansion and see the Lair Legion But the man in the green sweater said not to worry because Shep was a soft touch And it said so in the men’s room. Every men’s room. Right next to Lisa’s phone number. And besides, the Lair Legion didn’t ask a person’s worth Just the accident of their condition. Or something like that. Maybe the other way round. I think by then the coffee was affecting me a bit too much. And I was maybe developing a head cold. And to make matters worse this man that came in and gave Sarah her account books And said he’d set them straight after the Shoggoth had helpfully done the weekly audit Although it had taken a nine hour exorcism from Vinnie De Soth Well this man told me that there are not even any forms you can fill in at the Lair Mansion To get on the waiting list for a supervillain. And he should know because he is the Librarian of the Moon Public Library And it is his job to know stuff like that. Although I think he may have been some kind of accountant. And I worried again that I would have to go home without becoming a superhero or fighting crime Or saving the world from alien invasion. But Sarah said cheer up there was still plenty of time for a sudden emergency And she was confident that I would get a chance And she knew chance. So I waited some more in case anyone needed a superhero. At about 2.55 I thought maybe my chance had come Because there was this wild wind and the door flew open and this crazy-looking Asian girl burst in But it turned out that she was not a supervillain She was just a crazy-looking Asian girl Who had found out that her boyfriend had conducted a nine hour exorcism ceremony without her Except he wasn’t her boyfriend She was pretty clear about that And then she went again, and I think she was saying bad things in Chinese But I wouldn’t want to repeat them. A superhero should be clean in mind and body and mouth. Although it is okay to say something like “Hopping herrings!†If you are very shocked Or facing your archvillain. And after the crazy-looking Asian girl went out We found a towel so that the man in the green sweater could sponge spilled coffee off his pants. At least they don’t go see through like spandex. The Librarian said thank heaven for little mercies. So I waited some more And I was starting to think that I might have to call my mom collect To get a lift home When suddenly Sarah dashed into the bathroom. I thought maybe it was the coffee Or else she had heard about the graffiti But just then the Probability Dancer came out of the bathroom where Sarah had gone And she said it was time for us to team-up and fight crime As fellow superheroes. And that the man in the green jumper could put back that cruller he had just sneaked when he thought that nobody was looking. So I went with Dancer and we helped a lady whose pram had got stuck in a broken paving slab And Dancer introduced me to the lady and her baby (who was called Billy) And we talked about the lady's cousin Roy Who wants to do landscape gardening at college And about all the lady's other relatives Because Dancer seemed to know all about them. I think maybe she has a card index But the Librarian said that he did the card indexes Although De brown Streek does have a little black book if that counts And it is in three hundred and forty-two volumes. And then we rescued a cat out of a tree And then we rescued two policemen out of a tree That had been chased up the tree by a ginger cat And Dancer said not to worry, it was an old softie really. And we stopped a boy who was spray painting on the side of a building So that Dancer could call Hallie on her comm-card and find out how many Ts there are in MAGNETIC TECHBIRD LIVES. And we bought a lottery ticket and gave it to an old man who was coughing quite a lot Although I don’t know what good that would do for him Because what are the chances of him winning anything? But we didn’t fight any supervillains. Although we gave one or two some good advice. And we put some flowers on the memorial statue to Killer Shrike Because Dancer said that would annoy him if he came past. And then it was 6.15 and I knew I would need to get home soon Because mom worries if I’m out fighting crime after dark. And then the front of the First Bank of Paradopolis blew out And everyone was screaming and running about And there was a villain there called Blast Zone and his power was this: Blast Zone could make things blow up And he had blown up the front of the bank. So we ran over there. Well I ran and Dancer danced. When we got there Blast Zone was emptying the cashier’s tills into a bag And Dancer said to go ahead and fight crime and she would check that no passers-by got hurt or anything And she would take up a defensive position in the shoe store opposite. So I went and warned Blast Zone that I was a superhero And that I had come to Paradopolis to fight crime. But Blast Zone laughed. And the man in the green sweater and the Librarian ran up and said that I should take cover Because Blast Zone can blow things up. But I knew that. So I told them to stay back and stay safe Because they were civilians and I was a superhero And I showed them my cape so they knew I wasn’t fibbing or joking. And the man in the green sweater said it was a nice cape. He said it like this: "Nice cape." And the Librarian said that Hatman and Yuki and CrazySugarFreakBoy! and Nats were on their way And the Shoggoth was certainly heading in at least one direction, possibly more. And Blast Zone said he would be gone by then But first he would blow us all into smithereens And Dancer smiled across at me from the shoe shop In low-heeled strapless pedal pushers That were on special offer And Blast Zone pointed to blow up the civilians And also me, but that is an occupational hazard of being a superhero So I fought crime and turned him into a sofa. And the man in the green sweater said did I do that, the sofa thing? And I said yes, that was my super-power, to turn things into upholstery Because I was bitten by a radioactive Chesterfield. But it is only temporary when I turn things into upholstery And wears off after about three weeks Depending on the kind of trim around the chair arms And the type of castors. And Blast Zone just sat there in the rubble Because that is pretty much all you can do when you’ve been turned into a sofa. But I changed some rubble into doilies and throw cushions so he wouldn’t feel too embarrassed. The Librarian asked me what my superhero name was And I explained that I hadn’t really decided yet between Turns-People-Into-Soft-Furnishings Man or the Uncanny Upholsterer. Or maybe the Sofarizer. And the man in the green sweater tried to not make funny choking noises But he may have had too much coffee too. And then there was a hot gust of air and a LairJet hovered overhead And Dancer talked to Hatman and Hatman said he thought I deserved a ride home So I wouldn’t have to call my mother and get the bus. And CrazySugarFreakBoy! asked me if I’d be coming back to Paradopolis to fight crime again And I said that anything was possible But that tomorrow I was planning on getting a bus to Goth Haven to see if I could become an engine driver. And CSFB! said if I did decide to come back to call him And we could team up against the Hooded Hood. And that’s pretty much how one day I went to the big city to become a superhero So if you want to go to the big city to become a superhero I hope this is of some help to you. | |||
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