So one day I decided to go to the big city to become a superhero.
I packed some bread and some cheese up into a handkerchief and wrapped it on a stick.
It was my aunt’s handkerchief but I knew she wouldn’t mind.
I waited until after 9.30 to go to the big city to become a superhero.
That way I could use my bus pass.
I got the 9.38 to Paradopolis, stopping at Cranford, Harley, Bessington, Twoford, and Dullard’s Corner.
There is nothing at all interesting at Dullard’s Corner.
Or Twoford.
When I got to Paradopolis I got off the bus. Paradopolis is the terminus.
I hadn’t been to Paradopolis before I went there to become a superhero.
It is bigger than my hometown, and nobody wanted to give me directions.
Even when I called them sir or ma’am.
There was a kiosk outside the bus station where a man sold newspapers.
He also had postcards, and there was this one postcard
It said, “Welcome to Paradopolis” and it had a map of the city on it.
It showed all the famous landmarks like the Twin Parody Tower and the Variety Hall.
It showed Off-Central Park and St Jude’s Cathedral.
It showed the Esqualine Tower where the Carnifex lives.
It showed Gothametropolis York over the river and above that
There was an arrow that pointed to the radioactive wasteland and it said
“Here be monsters”.
I wondered if I should go to the radioactive wasteland to fight the monsters
But I had used most of my money on the bus journey (even with my bus pass)
And also buying the postcard (I did not get a discount for my bus pass)
So I decided that I had better stick to my original plan
Which was to go to Paradopolis and be a superhero there
And fight crime.
I looked up into the sky but there was no alien attack happening just then.
The newspaper man said he could tell I was a tourist
Because Paradopolis isn’t attacked by aliens every day no matter what the TV says.
Only about three times a week.
So then I asked him where I should go to be a superhero and fight crime
And he said I should go join the Lair Legion, who are all superheroes and fight crime
Except for one or two who are loathsome elder creatures or pure thought beings
Who are actually loathsome elder creatures and pure thought beings who fight crime.
So I got on the overhead monorail and asked for a ticket to the Lair Legion please
But the ticket man said that the Lair Mansion is restricted to superheroes only
Unless you are somebody that needs help from superheroes and then you are allowed in.
At your own risk.
Avoid the stunulators.
I said I was not needing help from the Lair Legion but I was a superhero.
So then he said that the Lair Legion didn’t just allow any old superhero to join them, spiffy excepted.
And maybe Nats.
And ManMan.
To join the Lair Legion you have to be major league.
Otherwise you have to join the Abandoned Legion or the JBH or the Globetrotting Gangbusters.
Or you have to join the Junior Lair Legion and get set on fire by Kerry Shepherdson.
He asked me if I had ever fought any famous supervillains or saved the planet.
I said that I recycled and did that count but he said
No, had I ever battled Anvil Man or Peter von Doom or Count Armageddon
Or slept with VelcroVixen?
And I said not exactly but I had watched them on the news sometimes.
And there is a crater in my hometown when a piece of rock demolished the fishing tackle shop
When Donar kicked Quake that one time.
Two states away.
They have put up a sign to commemorate it
(The rock hitting the fishing shop I mean, not what happened two states away
Although they might have put up a sign about that for all I know
But I do not know for sure
And I wouldn't want you to make a special trip and get disappointed.)
But don't believe those hawkers who try to sell you pieces of the rock
A lot of those pieces are scams.
Even the ones signed by Donar and Quake.
So the ticket man said maybe I should make a reputation for myself as a superhero
Before I went and joined the Lair Legion
Because otherwise they might throw me out or laugh at me
Or make me get trained by Yuki Shiro.
I was worried then because if I didn’t go to the Lair Legion
Who was going to help me find supervillains to fight so I could be a superhero
And if I went to the Lair Legion why would they let me in
If I hadn’t fought any supervillains?
But the overhead monorail ticket man couldn’t help me with that.
So I took a ticket to Parody Plaza to think things over.
And I ate my bread and cheese from my handkerchief
And I looked at the memorial plaque where the Parody War ended
And I would have bought an ice cream
Except they are very expensive in Parody Plaza
And I didn’t have enough change after the overhead monorail and the postcard and the bus ride.
And I began to feel a little bit down then
Because it isn’t easy going to Paradopolis and becoming a superhero.
It’s not as simple as it looks.
And it started to rain.
I stood in the rain and wondered if maybe I should have not come to Paradopolis to become a superhero.
Or maybe if I should have gone to somewhere else instead, like Gothametropolis York
(Except that everyone is very unfriendly in Gothametropolis York
And you can get arrested for being a superhero there
And the police will give you body cavity searches
And not everybody likes that kind of thing)
And I felt even more down then, and a little bit damp
Because superhero costumes are quite thin and they don’t keep the rain off very well
And capes really retain water.
But then someone came and asked me if I was okay
It was a pretty girl with long dark hair and her name was Sarah.
She asked me if I would like to come in to her coffee shop out of the rain.
I could not afford to go into Sarah’s coffee shop but she said that was okay
Because all superheroes got their first coffee free in her coffee shop.
I asked her how she knew I was a superhero.
She said that the cape and the spandex were a bit of a giveaway, really
But I had better get out of the rain unless my superpowers included an immunity to head colds.
And also spandex can be painful if it shrinks.
So I went into her coffee shop
Which is just round the corner off Parody Plaza in the shadow of the Twin Parody Tower
But I explained to Sarah that maybe I shouldn’t get a free coffee because
I hadn’t gone to the Lair Legion to get a supervillain to fight.
I didn’t even have the forms to apply for a supervillain
Or know if there was a waiting list.
I confessed that I was worried that maybe I hadn’t got the right stuff to be a superhero in Paradopolis.
I don’t think Hatman would give up because his spandex was turning transparent with the water.
Sarah said not to worry as the standards weren’t as high as I might think
And she served a cruller to a man in a green sweater and said at least I was probably a real superhero
Who did not tease semi-innocent young waitresses because Rico had not phoned them back yet.
And I was not the Devil.
Sarah was right. I am not the Devil.
If I was I probably wouldn’t want to go to Paradopolis and be a superhero.
Sarah said that you didn’t really have to worry about finding supervillains
Generally they found you, but if I really felt I needed help then
All I needed to do was hang around in her coffee shop for a while
Because it was about due for another supervillain incursion
But not the 12.15 supervillain incursion
Because those guys were just calling for their usual take-out lattes
And they were always very good about phoning their sandwich orders on ahead.
So I waited in Sarah’s coffee shop
And I waited for a supervillain incursion.
About 1.25 a supervillain came in to rob the till and his name was the Pulveriser.
He was new in town also and his power was to pulverise stuff.
I asked Sarah how she knew he was new in town
And the man with the green sweater said that only a newbie villain would be dumb enough
To try and rob the Bean and Donut Coffee Shop
Because if the heroes didn't get him then
The supervillains who were regulars and liked the latte would
And besides nobody was really 100% comfortable about Messenger being truly finally dead
and don't get him started about the Hooded Hood
So I didn't.
And the Pulveriser looked kind of confused
And a bit spooked by all the customers sitting and watching him
Like he was some kind of floor show.
And some of them were taking bets.
I was going to get up and stop him
(By striking terror into the hearts of evildoers)
But just then CrazySugarFreakBoy! called by for his sarsaparilla with extra extra sugar
And before I could fight crime
He bounced the Pulveriser out of the back door
And pulverised him.
I ran out to help CrazySugarFreakBoy! pulverise the Pulveriser
And maybe do a team-up
But by then CrazySugarFreakBoy! had already pulverised the Pulveriser
So he did not realise that I was a superhero doing a team up
And he gave me his autograph instead.
It had a smiley face in it.
And then he bounced away to take the Pulveriser to jail.
I asked Sarah why CrazySugarFreakBoy! hadn’t realised that I was a superhero doing a team-up
After all I was wearing my spandex and my cape
And it was mostly dry by now
(Although you should not wear red underpants under wet spandex
Especially if they are not color-fast)
Sarah said that she thought that when CrazySugarFreakBoy! looked at the world
He saw pretty much everyone wearing spandex and capes.
And I worried that maybe now Sarah would expect me to pay for the coffee
Because I had not battled a supervillain and could not prove I was a superhero
And I could not go to the Lair Mansion and see the Lair Legion
But the man in the green sweater said not to worry because Shep was a soft touch
And it said so in the men’s room.
Every men’s room.
Right next to Lisa’s phone number.
And besides, the Lair Legion didn’t ask a person’s worth
Just the accident of their condition.
Or something like that.
Maybe the other way round.
I think by then the coffee was affecting me a bit too much.
And I was maybe developing a head cold.
And to make matters worse this man that came in and gave Sarah her account books
And said he’d set them straight after the Shoggoth had helpfully done the weekly audit
Although it had taken a nine hour exorcism from Vinnie De Soth
Well this man told me that there are not even any forms you can fill in at the Lair Mansion
To get on the waiting list for a supervillain.
And he should know because he is the Librarian of the Moon Public Library
And it is his job to know stuff like that.
Although I think he may have been some kind of accountant.
And I worried again that I would have to go home without becoming a superhero or fighting crime
Or saving the world from alien invasion.
But Sarah said cheer up there was still plenty of time for a sudden emergency
And she was confident that I would get a chance
And she knew chance.
So I waited some more in case anyone needed a superhero.
At about 2.55 I thought maybe my chance had come
Because there was this wild wind and the door flew open and this crazy-looking Asian girl burst in
But it turned out that she was not a supervillain
She was just a crazy-looking Asian girl
Who had found out that her boyfriend had conducted a nine hour exorcism ceremony without her
Except he wasn’t her boyfriend
She was pretty clear about that
And then she went again, and I think she was saying bad things in Chinese
But I wouldn’t want to repeat them.
A superhero should be clean in mind and body and mouth.
Although it is okay to say something like “Hopping herrings!”
If you are very shocked
Or facing your archvillain.
And after the crazy-looking Asian girl went out
We found a towel so that the man in the green sweater could sponge spilled coffee off his pants.
At least they don’t go see through like spandex.
The Librarian said thank heaven for little mercies.
So I waited some more
And I was starting to think that I might have to call my mom collect
To get a lift home
When suddenly Sarah dashed into the bathroom.
I thought maybe it was the coffee
Or else she had heard about the graffiti
But just then the Probability Dancer came out of the bathroom where Sarah had gone
And she said it was time for us to team-up and fight crime
As fellow superheroes.
And that the man in the green jumper could put back that cruller he had just sneaked when he thought that nobody was looking.
So I went with Dancer and we helped a lady whose pram had got stuck in a broken paving slab
And Dancer introduced me to the lady and her baby (who was called Billy)
And we talked about the lady's cousin Roy
Who wants to do landscape gardening at college
And about all the lady's other relatives
Because Dancer seemed to know all about them.
I think maybe she has a card index
But the Librarian said that he did the card indexes
Although De brown Streek does have a little black book if that counts
And it is in three hundred and forty-two volumes.
And then we rescued a cat out of a tree
And then we rescued two policemen out of a tree
That had been chased up the tree by a ginger cat
And Dancer said not to worry, it was an old softie really.
And we stopped a boy who was spray painting on the side of a building
So that Dancer could call Hallie on her comm-card and find out how many Ts there are in MAGNETIC TECHBIRD LIVES.
And we bought a lottery ticket and gave it to an old man who was coughing quite a lot
Although I don’t know what good that would do for him
Because what are the chances of him winning anything?
But we didn’t fight any supervillains.
Although we gave one or two some good advice.
And we put some flowers on the memorial statue to Killer Shrike
Because Dancer said that would annoy him if he came past.
And then it was 6.15 and I knew I would need to get home soon
Because mom worries if I’m out fighting crime after dark.
And then the front of the First Bank of Paradopolis blew out
And everyone was screaming and running about
And there was a villain there called Blast Zone and his power was this:
Blast Zone could make things blow up
And he had blown up the front of the bank.
So we ran over there.
Well I ran and Dancer danced.
When we got there Blast Zone was emptying the cashier’s tills into a bag
And Dancer said to go ahead and fight crime and she would check that no passers-by got hurt or anything
And she would take up a defensive position in the shoe store opposite.
So I went and warned Blast Zone that I was a superhero
And that I had come to Paradopolis to fight crime.
But Blast Zone laughed.
And the man in the green sweater and the Librarian ran up and said that I should take cover
Because Blast Zone can blow things up.
But I knew that.
So I told them to stay back and stay safe
Because they were civilians and I was a superhero
And I showed them my cape so they knew I wasn’t fibbing or joking.
And the man in the green sweater said it was a nice cape.
He said it like this: "Nice cape."
And the Librarian said that Hatman and Yuki and CrazySugarFreakBoy! and Nats were on their way
And the Shoggoth was certainly heading in at least one direction, possibly more.
And Blast Zone said he would be gone by then
But first he would blow us all into smithereens
And Dancer smiled across at me from the shoe shop
In low-heeled strapless pedal pushers
That were on special offer
And Blast Zone pointed to blow up the civilians
And also me, but that is an occupational hazard of being a superhero
So I fought crime and turned him into a sofa.
And the man in the green sweater said did I do that, the sofa thing?
And I said yes, that was my super-power, to turn things into upholstery
Because I was bitten by a radioactive Chesterfield.
But it is only temporary when I turn things into upholstery
And wears off after about three weeks
Depending on the kind of trim around the chair arms
And the type of castors.
And Blast Zone just sat there in the rubble
Because that is pretty much all you can do when you’ve been turned into a sofa.
But I changed some rubble into doilies and throw cushions so he wouldn’t feel too embarrassed.
The Librarian asked me what my superhero name was
And I explained that I hadn’t really decided yet between
Turns-People-Into-Soft-Furnishings Man or the Uncanny Upholsterer.
Or maybe the Sofarizer.
And the man in the green sweater tried to not make funny choking noises
But he may have had too much coffee too.
And then there was a hot gust of air and a LairJet hovered overhead
And Dancer talked to Hatman and Hatman said he thought I deserved a ride home
So I wouldn’t have to call my mother and get the bus.
And CrazySugarFreakBoy! asked me if I’d be coming back to Paradopolis to fight crime again
And I said that anything was possible
But that tomorrow I was planning on getting a bus to Goth Haven to see if I could become an engine driver.
And CSFB! said if I did decide to come back to call him
And we could team up against the Hooded Hood.
And that’s pretty much how one day I went to the big city to become a superhero
So if you want to go to the big city to become a superhero
I hope this is of some help to you.