The Story so far...


"Please don't throw up on my shoes. Only I'm allowed to do that." a disheveled looking gentleman said to the young man at his feet.

He & his vaguely asian receptionist/secterary/personal assistant were visiting Parrodipolis from The City. They were in town because they had 2 all expenses paid trip to The Big Banana from a former client, it was payment for their services. They didn't mind using it now since they didn't have any pending cases plus their office had become repossessed by demons so the exorcism they paid for would take about a week.

"Sorry." the blond haired, vaguely alien looking young man said as he stood up & whipped the drool from his face. "It's been a rough week: first I think Pistachio ice cream out of existence and now I've been served with papers saying I killed a whole bunch of people."

"Hmm.." the man said. "Sorry to hear about the ice cream thing, never had the stuff but heard good things about it but I think I can help you with the second thing."

"You can?"

"Yeah. I'm Arnie J. Armbruster, Attorney at Law!" Arnie said he struck as dramatic pose.

The woman with him just rolled her eyes. Then she said. "Also, if you need any detective work done he's also Arnie J. Armbruster, Private Detective. But that depends on what our Poster that is feels like at the moment."

"Ok."

"Yeah. It's best that if you don't think about it & just go with it."

"Alright."

"I'm Ashley Takashi, but everyone called me Snookie." She said as she stuck her hand out.

Joey shook it & said. "I'm Joey Z."

"Nice to meet you." Snookie said with a smile. "Can I see the papers you were served?"

"Sure." Joey said & then handed them over.

"It says I killed like 90 billion people."

"That's impossible. " She said.

"I know!"

"There aren't that many people on the planet."

"Well, not this planet. It says I took out a whole Imperium, whatever that is."

"So, this is an Alien law thing, eh?" Arnie said.

"Yes since I'm an alien." Joey said & pointed to his pointed elf like ears.

"Oh. I just thought you one of those Trekkie nerds." Arnie said disdainfully.

"I believe they want to be called Trekkers now." Snookie interjected then went back to going back to the document. Arnie rolled his eyes.

"But I've never killed anyone!" Joey pleaded.

"But you did admit to me & my companion that you killed Pistachio ice cream. So, you do have the ability to cause wide spread destruction. You, sir, are a weapon of mass destruction." Arnie said quiet proud of himself.

"Yes, Arnie. But thinking away an ice cream flavor is different then killing over 90 billion people."

"What?" Arnie said.

"Yeah. I'm charge with Cosmic Genocide."

"Interesting." Arnie said.

Arnie then noticed that Snookie & his client were staring at him.

"What? It is. This little e.t. may be our most high class client ever."

"Sure. But you don't say that in front of client!"

Snookie turned to Joey & said. "Sorry."

"It's ok."

"Alright. Is there a sentencing or do they just straight to the killing?"

"No. There is a court date set but according to the papers that is more of just a formality. My death is a done deal according to them."

"Who's them?"

"Not sure. The papers say who I killed but not who's saying I killed them."

"Now Arnie that's interesting." Snookie said smugly.

"So, when's the court date set for?"

Joey looked at his watch. "Now."

The alien, the lawyer/private detective & the vaguely asian girl with a few different job titles all disappeared in a field of dull grey sparkles.

The alien, the lawyer/private detective & the vaguely asian girl with a few different job titles all appeared in a field of dull grey sparkles.

"Ow." Arnie said.

The trio were no longer on a city street corner but on some sort of cold, metallic flooring. Before them were three chairs & a table made of the same type of stuff. A few feet in front of that was a massive podium, it must have been 4 or 5 stories tall. Where they were appeared to have no walls, all around them was outer space.

Out from behind the podium, a person came flying out on what could be described a rocket powered floating Segway. The driver of said craft was a massive creature. It looked to be half human & half warthog. It's skin was dark shade of green. The pigman was dressed in a generic looking police officers uniform.

He flew out to the center of the room & yelled. "All rise for the honorable Magistrate Wah P'nar"

Then in a flash of light, behind the podium there appeared a gigantic humanoid male. He was dressed pitch black robe. The Magistrate's white hair flowed down his shoulders & back, he was balding up giving him a high widow's peak. His eyes glowed an unearthly yellow, he also didn't any pupils. He also looked to being of great age due to his wrinkled visage.

"Greetings!" his voice boomed. "We are here to condemn the Nacluvian entity known by the name of Joey Z. to death for his crimes against the Shee-Yar Imperium."

"Uh.. Judge..." Arnie said.

"What?" Wah P'Nar said. "You dares interrupt my sentencing!"

"I dares to interrupt you, your honor."

"Who are you?"

"I'm an Attorney at Law & my name is Arnold James Flying Hippopotamus Armbruster."

The magistrate looks down at Arnie & then says. "Approach the bench."

Then Arnie started to float up towards Wah P'Nar. Once there, the magistrate says. "State your case."

"Well, I am here on the before of Joey Z to clear him of all wrong doing."

"This shall be allowed." Wah P'Nar said.

Once Arnie had returned back to the ground. Wah P'Nar said "Call your first witness!"

"Ok. I call.. uh.." Arnie said. He paused, turned to Snookie & Joey, Arnie asked. "Who do I call?"

-----------

TO BE CONTINUED....
(Maybe by Jason? Vizh? Ian? Spaztic Chyld? Someone New?)

I'm a little far behind on all my writing so we'll see if I can squeeze in a tie-in to this thing.

I don't know if he is or not, I'm not writing the next part.


I'm a bit behind on my writing also but I had an idea so I wrote it so I wouldn't forget it.

“Now see here,” growled Sir Mumphrey Wilton, “this is dashed inconvenient. Right now I’m supposed to be smiting undead in a life and death conflict in the Land That Common Sense Forgot. Can’t be bein’ yanked away from the place just to be answering a few questions by cosmic civil service oiks. Bad enough when that Org blighter…” Here the eccentric Englishman pointed out a pinstripe-suited nonentity sitting at the prosecution bench “…interrupted my crossword last time. Not done. Isn’t cricket.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sir Mumphrey Wilton,” warned Justice Wah P’Nar from the bench, “as a holder of cosmic office, Keeper of the Chronometer of Infinity, you are required to answer certain questions about the death of the Shee-Yar Imperium. You have been brought to this trial out of your timeline, and when you return you will have no memory of…”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes, yes, I know all that jaw,” snapped the old man. “Now what’s this about a death in the Shee-yar Imperium.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not a death,” Arnie J. Armbruster instructed him. “Everybody. They’re saying ninety billion.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I was framed!” wailed Joey Z. “I was at home that night, washing my hair.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“And why do you think I can help you, Armbruster?” Sir Mumphrey demanded.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Don’t make him mad, Arnie,” Snookie hissed to her employer. “He’s rich!”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“You have an expertise with time, Sir Mumphrey” Arnie replied. “So could you confirm for us the exact moment of these deaths?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Can from this courtroom,” admitted Mumph. “Hmm. Looks like it started at one end of the Imperium with around half a million deaths a minute then worked its way inwards in a spiral, planet by planet. By the time it got to the centre folks were dyin’ at about twelve million a second.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I didn’t do that,” Joey protested. “I don’t make patterns of dead people!”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, that’s just what you’d say if you were guilty,” accused Noseous Ogg for the prosecution.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s also what he’d say if he was innocent,” pointed out Arnie. “Although he might also say ‘Ouch, officer, stop twisting my arm back like that!’.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Any other damnfool questions,” Sir Mumphrey asked the court, “or can I get back to fighting vampires, what?”     Arnie shook his head, then swayed a little as the hangover objected. “I just wanted to show the court that when my client affects reality its all in one go, not in an impossibly quick spiral trail.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Wow, Arnie, that was actually a good point,” admitted Snookie, impressed.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Very well,” Justice Wah P’Nar conceded. “If there are no further questions for this witness he may return to Comic-Book Limbo.”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Return to where…?” demanded Sir Mumphrey as he vanished.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“I have a question,” Joey Z objected. “What makes you think I did it in the first place?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Your question is out of order,” ruled the judge.     Ã¢â‚¬Å“Besides, we know you did it,” accused Noseous Org. “We found the evidence you left behind.”     Arnie J. Armbruster rose to his feet again. “Evidence? What evidence?”     Ã¢â‚¬Å“The evidence on the wall behind the Emperor’s throne,” Org said triumphantly. A gigantic viewscreen appeared to show the wall he was talking about. In big bloody letters (blood donated by the Emperor of the Shee-Yar) was written: JOEY Z DID THIS SO THERE! Footnotes: Mr Noseous Org and the cosmic audit commission have previously plagued our heroes in Sir Mumphrey Wilton and the Official Enquiry by the Hooded Hood, Stand Up by Jason, and Just a Minute by the Manga Shoggoth Those curious as to what really happened to the Shee-Yar Imperium are directed to Saving the Future - part 12: The New Lair Legions (and Other Heroes) by the Hooded Hood. Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2008 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2008 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.