Tales of the Parodyverse >> View Post
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HH dredges up the old saw about the only way to be a writer
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Anime Jason 
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Location: Here
Member Since: Sun Sep 12, 2004
Posts: 2,834
Subj: Keep on writing.
Posted: Wed Jan 20, 2016 at 06:00:22 am EST
Reply Subj: Re: Comments on Ch 1.
Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2016 at 09:48:11 pm EST (Viewed 417 times)



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      "The two broke her down" is probably the first bit of prose I've enountered that might need smoothing out.



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    That part of it hasn't been second-passed yet.



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      In general: I can tell this has gone through revisions, which have refined it well. The story has a stong opening and it introduces its principles well. It left me wanting to know more about Keiko's world (not so much about Michael's yet).

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        There's a bit of a POV blur, which you might attend to on another draft, but where you do get into the characters' heads it works well. More would be even better. That includes the internal monologues that convey impressions and background information. That's something of a signature of your best writing and you shouldn't be afraid to build on it.

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          You do good "widescreen" description shots and again, a few more establishing images placing the dialogue characters in context with enviroment will only enhance that movie-gloss feel that your World Class work always has.

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            My only concern is how trusting Michael and Keiko instantly are of each other. It doesn't neccessarily feel earned. Maybe if you lampshade that by having them note internally that each seems to implicitly believe and trust the other it becomes a plot and character point rather than a potential immersion-breaker.



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    The funny thing about this story is I started writing it *before* Traders. I paused it and blasted through 30,000 words of Traders. So everything you see in World Class is actually an older stage of my writing. And yes, going from that to Traders and back leaves me in tears, and not the good kind, which means I have some re-writing to do in World Class.







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