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| Tales of the Parodyverse >> View Post |
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“I want it made perfectly clear, “Pelopia, Disciple of Logos, said, “that if a link between myself and your organization is made, there will be consequences.†While her demeanor was calm and even, the threat hung heavily in the air. “We assure you, ma’am, that we will act with the utmost discretion,†Legal Machine placated her. “Now that we have a signed, formalized agreement in place, I must admit that the prospect of such a project would have been enough to gain our services gratis.†“I believe in awarding good work accordingly,†she said to the representative of the Machine Shop. “And punishing failure with equal enthusiasm.†“Don’t worry your pretty little head,†piped up Mean Machine, grinding his fist into his open palm. Sparks flew as metal met metal. “We’ve got this.†“Then I shall leave you to your work,†Pelopia said with a small nod. “I will be in touch regarding your progress soon.†As Legal Machine escorted his client out, Mean Machine and Speed Machine looked over the dossier the Disciple of Logos had left behind. Hunting down renegade robots was nothing new to the Machine Shop. Hunting down a neon green and day-glow automaton from Cyberton, however, was a refreshing challenge. As the Obliterator robot struggled to free it’s massive legs from the sticky mess of tar the Suicide Blonde had transmuted the street into, the newest herald of Galactivac briefed the Abandoned Legion and current associates. “The last time the Big G battled the Obliterator, it was possessed by Lord Resolution, with the goal of destroying the entire universe. Both of them were destroyed when Pegasus activated the Galactic Nobbler,†explained the former Junior Legionnaire. “When Galactivac was resurrected, so was the Obliterator. The boss put certain safeguards in place to warn him if the Obliterator was ever activated again. “Galactivac is concerned that with the return of the Obliterator will come the return of Resolution, so he is on his way here to destroy the Obliterator and any planet that gets in his way. I was sent ahead to scout out the situation for the boss.†Zach Zelnitz consulted a display on his datapad. “We’ve got maybe an hour before the big guy gets here.†“Why do you care what happens here, Zelnitz? You left the Earth behind,†asked Killer Shrike. He hated all of this cosmic garbage. Hacker Nine shrugged. “This is where I keep all of my stuff.†“So how do we stop it?†growled Quake. He ripped away Premiere’s tattered cape. “Brute force can’t stop it, only slow it down.†Hacker Nine’s fingers flew across his datapad as he called up the schematics for the Obliterator and projected them as a three-dimensional holographic image. “We need to access it’s core programming and rewrite it, but I need to make a physical connection with it.†“What is its core programming telling it to do right now?†checked Citizen Z. “Well, for starters it will destroy the Lair Mansion…†“Serve them right for sticking us in those !$#%&^ rathole apartments,†muttered Simon under his breath. “…and then destroy the planet to ensure that no Lair Legionnaire’s will ever challenge it again,†finished Hacker Nine. “After that it’s some cosmic mission to destroy the Nexus, end life as we know it in the entire universe, yadda-yadda-yadda.†“That would put a cramp in next Saturday night,†commented the Suicide Blonde. “So you guys need to get me here,†Zelnitz pointed to a small port on the Obliterator’s back. “And then buy me enough time to rewrite his core programming.†“Is the Obliterator sentient?†asked Citizen Z, a note of concern in her voice. “Are we violating the mind of a living being?†“Aww geez, not you too,†grumbled Killer Shrike. “It’s a toaster oven bent on destroying the universe, not a person. End of story.†“Without Lord Resolution to guide it, the Obliterator is just a sophisticated wind-up toy,†Zelnitz assured Citizen Z. “So what’s the plan?†asked Anvil Man. His strength was in the acting, not the planning. Killer Shrike stepped up and took charge. “Here’s what we’re going to do.†Dr. Moo enjoyed her work. Many a supervillain did what they did solely for the end result, treating their methods as a means to an end. Dr. Moo took joy in the process just as much or more than the finished result. She had taken on the Word’s project for that very reason. She could clone a body with little effort; she had perfected that process years ago. But allowing an artificial intelligence to pilot the body? That was something she had never attempted before. If it wasn’t for the subject she was working with, she might have said it was impossible. An organic body was an inefficient mass of neurons and tissues, whereas an artificial intelligence was highly organized and regimented. The two simply didn’t mesh. But the subject she was cloning had trained her body to respond perfectly to all of her commands. She regulated her breathing rate, pulse, menstrual cycle, all by force of will and strict training. This control would transfer to the muscle-memory of the cloned body, and in theory would allow an artificial intelligence to control the organic body. So whistling a jaunty tune to herself, Dr. Moo set about the first phase of cloning Pelopia, Disciple of Logos. “What did you call this again?†asked Premiere as he grasped Anvil Man by the shoulder. “A fastball special,†replied Anvil Man. CrazySugarFreakBoy! and Donar had used the maneuver against him in times past and the wired wonder wouldn’t shut up about how awesome it had been. Premiere used his other hand to latch onto Anvil Man’s leg, then hefted the armored villain into the air. He began to spin, like a hammer thrower, before releasing his burden at the Obliterator. The indestructible missile stretched his body out and led with his fists, building an explosive charge in his clenched hands. He rocketed into the Obliterator with devastating force; windows shattered for five square blocks upon impact. The ground trembled as the massive machine took a step back. Anvil Man continued to hammer at its chest as Premiere circled around and launched himself at the Obliterator’s knee. The massive robot fell. “That’s the first we’ve been able to do to slow him down!†Killer Shrike shouted. “Pile on!†Sersi furrowed her flawless brow as she mentally commanded street lights, cars, any material she could find, to wrap themselves around the Obliterator and anchor themselves into the ground. With a thought she transformed the material into solid adamethium. “Let’s go nerd-boy,†growled Shrike as he grabbed Hacker Nine by the scruff of his shirt. He leapt into an open manhole, dragging the herald of Galactivac with him. The Obliterator struggled to free itself. The impromptu restraints began to snap as the ground they were anchored into gave way. Anvil Man desperately tried to hold down one arm as Premiere did the same to the other. “Look out!†cried Citizen Z as she dove across the street. Sersi had mentally moved another car and was about to hit a bystander with it when the purple clad vigilante knocked the citizen out of the way. “Watch what you’re doing!†“Uh, yeah, sorry,†Sersi said unconvincingly as she refocused on her task. “I…can’t hold…it,†grunted Anvil Man. “Wuss,†snarled Premiere back. He didn’t admit he was barely keeping his feet on the ground. “Hold tight,†said a new voice. Anvil Man couldn’t spare the effort to look to see who it was. Harvester had divested himself of his sharp pin-striped suit and was back in his more familiar over-alls and straw hat. He was in his work clothes. “You’ve got the angle of those all wrong,†he barked at Sersi. “Drive them in at an angle, not straight into the ground! Corkscrew the ends if you can.†“You two, pin him closer to the shoulders, not the lower arms! Take his leverage away!†Harvester knew a thing or two about wrestling with livestock. “And what’re you going to do?†grunted Premiere as he shifted his grip. “Other than stand around and leave us the heavy lifting?†Harvester cracked his knuckles and vicious looking blades replaced his hands. “I’d say he’s ready for plowing.†The horticultural horror leapt onto the Obliterator’s chest and began to plow through the Obliterator’s chest armor. When Killer Shrike had tried to penetrate its armor the electrical feedback had forced him back. Harvester was built for manual labour, he was conditioned to ignore pain. He worried away at the Obliterator’s chest, and while it was slower than he would have liked, he began to make process. “Fall back,†Citizen Z commanded Harvester. She pulled out a handful of explosives and began to drop them in the holes Harvester had carved. The two got clear as she detonated the charges, and for the first time Quake and Anvil Man felt the Obliterator weaken. “We can do it! We can win!†crowed Anvil Man before the Obliterator ripped the restraints from the ground and shook the pests on his arms away. “I thought I was done with sewers once I left this mudball,†complained Hacker Nine as he hovered above the sludge Killer Shrike was sloshing through. “Suck it up princess, it’s no picnic for me either,†replied the butcher bird. “We close yet?†Hacker Nine consulted his datapad. “Two hundred meters ahead,†he reported. “How much time do we have left?†asked Killer Shrike. Galactivac could arrive at any time. “Umm, I’d recommend we run, put it that way,†said the herald. When the pair reached their destination Killer Shrike pulled an explosive charge from Citizen Z from his belt. “Stand back,†he warned as he affixed it to the ceiling above. It detonated, and as the pavement above them fell away the data port Hacker Nine needed access to was visible. “Okay, here we go,†said Zelnitz as he levitated up to the Obliterator. The machine’s firewalls were too strong for him to penetrate wirelessly, so he had to make a physical connection with the robot. Hacker Nine had been one of the premiere computer hackers on Earth before he became the herald of Galactivac. But even with his new cosmic processing speed the Obliterator was a tough nut to crack; Zelnitz was sure before he received his cosmic power boost that he wouldn’t have been able to get past the first firewall. “If they can hold him for a few more seconds, I think I’ve got ittTTTT!!†shouted Hacker Nine in surprise. The Obliterator had just sat up, taking the startled Zach Zelnitz with him as he clung to his datapad. “Okay, I guess that’s good enough,†said Doorman as he stood and stretched. “Time to finish this up.†He affixed a red cape to his shirt, and plucked a Manhattan Transfer souvenir cap from the coffee table in front of him. He attached it to his belt, then pulled the black hat with the blue H onto his head. He winced momentarily as a flash of pain flared in his head, but he pushed it aside. “Time for Hatman to save the day!†“Uh, why is it glowing?†asked Anvil Man as the Obliterator regained its feet. The giant automaton had begun to radiate a bright red glow. “It is going to explode,†surmised Citizen Z. “And likely take the Earth with it.†“So what you’re saying is we need to get out of here,†interpreted Premiere. As the supervillain Quake, he was more of a get while the getting is good kind of guy. “I’m with you big guy,†agreed Sersi. She gestured and a nearby transit bus was transmuted into a workable spacecraft. “All aboard?†Premiere and Sersi ran for the craft. “Cowards!†shouted Citizen Z before spitting on the ground. She cursed in Japanese at the backs of her former comrades. “It’s blocked me out,†said Hacker Nine as he floated back to the ground. “I can’t make a connection now. It’s over.†“Fear not, it’s never over!†said a bold, confident voice from behind them. The fourseome turned to see a familiar figure step out from the shadows of an alley. “Hatman!†said Harvester in surprise. A quick wink from the false leader of the Lair Legion alerted the automaton to the true identity of the new arrival. “I got here as soon as I could,†lied Doorman. “I understand the Obliterator is set to explode?†“And there’s nothing we can do to stop it,†said Zelnitz from astride his cosmic segway. He was warily looking towards the sky, debating whether he needed to depart himself. “If we can’t stop the explosion, we’ll have to move it,†Hatman said confidently. He reached to his belt and pulled the Manhattan Transfer cap from it. “I’ll transport it into space.†“Can you move something that big?†asked Citizen Z. There was a hint of concern in her voice. “No worries,†he said assuredly. “I’ll open the portal, but I’ll need help shoving him through it.†“I’m game if you are,†Harvester said to Anvil Man. MacGillicudy nodded his agreement. “Then let’s do this,†commanded Hatman. He gestured with his hands and a portal appeared in the middle of the street. Doorman had used his powers to open the Skree stargate he had used to transport the Obliterator to earth; while he normally needed two doorways to link together, the Skree stargate was able to create the second entry point needed on its own. The Obliterator was drawn back to the portal, the suction from the vacuum in space pulling him towards it. Harvester and Anvil Man strained themselves to their limits. “Running…out of…power,†groaned Harvester as he pushed. The horticultural horror drew his power from physical labour, as an alternator recharges the battery in a automobile, and his charge was lower than usual due to his inactivity with Boss Deadeyes of late. “Then take mine!†shouted Killer Shrike, who had finally gotten back to street level. He shoved his electrified talons into Harvester’s back, and the energy surged through the robot. With a final heave, the Obliterator was sucked through the portal to explode soundlessly in Skree space. “We…we did it,†said Killer Shrike in disbelief. He had put on a brave face, but he wasn’t sure if he ever believed they could pull it off. Citizen Z surveyed the destruction around them. “Yes, but at a great cost.†It didn’t take long for the reporters to scurry forth from their relatively safe vantage points to swarm the Abandoned Legion. Doorman stepped forward and motioned for silence. “Please, one at a time,†Doorman smiled a charming smile. “Let me explain everything.†To be continued… | |||
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