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| Tales of the Parodyverse >> View Post |
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Subj: A Pastiche Tribute to IW's Recent Fiction Posted: Sat Jul 11, 2009 at 10:02:44 pm EDT (Viewed 598 times) | |||
SFX: A marching band blares away in dissonant tones. Scene: A Roman triumphal parade, filled with legionaries, wild animals, flags and chariots. Just after the elephants march two soldiers bearing an ornate banner, “Peabody’s Improbable History.†Following them is a group of white-clad vestal virgins strewing rose petals, and behind them is a gold chariot carrying a small white dog and a lanky, almost scrawny 13-year-old boy. Both are wearing glasses with thick black rims. As the chariot passes, we dissolve to . . . Scene: A 1960’s TV show laboratory, with large grey metal cabinets holding whirring magnetic tape drives and festooned with blinkenlights. The boy stands in front of the dog. MR. PEABODY (the small, white beagle, with one of those indeterminate, supercilious trans-Atlantic accents that 1960’s TV used to denote authority): Peabody here. Today we look into the recent past of the Parodyverse. SHERMAN (the boy, a red-haired, acned, Junior Reader type): Gee, Mr. Peabody, what do you mean? MR. PEABODY: Well, Sherman, today we’re taking the Wayback Machine to Parodiopolis, to find the answer to a fundamental question of the Universe. SHERMAN: You mean something like Einstein’s Unified Field Theory? Parodiopolis doesn’t seem like the place for that. MR. PEABODY (frowning): No, no, Sherman. Nothing like that. We are going to find . . . The Hooded Hood. SHERMAN: The Hooded Hood? I thought he disappeared ages ago. MR. PEABODY (preening): Correct! And we, with the help of the Wayback Machine, are going back in time to return him to the Parodyverse. SHERMAN (whining a bit): Are you sure that’s a good idea, Mr. Peabody? I mean, didn’t he do all sorts of evil things and stuff? MR. PEABODY: Nonsense, my boy. And besides, I need him to retcon me into a character more suitable to be the fiancé of Cameron Diaz. SHERMAN: I didn’t know you were engaged. When did you meet her? MR. PEABODY: I haven’t yet. That’s the next use of the Wayback Machine. Now step forward. (They step into a large metal box with even more blinkenlights and large wheels and levers on the side while a locomotive-type piston set chugs on top. Wheels spin and lights dance. SFX: pocketa-pocketa noises.) MR. PEABODY (narrating while scene dissolves): The Wayback Machine with its usual alacrity and precision deposited us in the center of Parodiopolis moments later but two years before. Fatigued from our journey, I steered Sherman into the nearest coffee shop, the Bean and Donut. In need of a restorative double espresso for myself and a hot chocolate for my boy Sherman, I waved the attractive young waitress over. SARAH SHEPHERDSON: Hi, so you’ll have the double espresso and your boy will have the Olympus Hot Chocolate. And how about a yummy donut for each of you? SHERMAN: Hey, Mr. Peabody, how did she know what we wanted? SHEP (before Peabody can answer): Just an improbable intuition. (Shep heads for the kitchen.) MR. PEABODY: I suspect we will find our first lead in here, Sherman. The Wayback Machine never fails. A WOMAN IN THE NEXT BOOTH (blonde, early 30’s, somewhat stout, and very expensively dressed): Wayback . . . Er, yes, the donuts are very good here. Nothing like the ones my pastry chef made, but she’s still missing. And what might you be looking for, Mr. . . . MR. PEABODY: Peabody. We are looking for . . . the Hooded Hood. (A ominous silence sweeps through the coffee shop.) BARONESS ELIZABETH ZEMO (the woman in the next booth). Oh, Ioldabaoth? How strange, I’m just on my way to see him myself. Perhaps you would like to come with me to Herringcarp and we can discuss metatechnology together. SHERMAN (whispering frantically): But that’s the Baroness! You know, the woman who took over the world. She’s up to something! MR. PEABODY: Don’t mind my boy Sherman, madam. We would be honored to accept your invitation. ZEMO: Good. My car is outside. Perhaps you can take your drink and pastry with you and have it on the way. I am very short of time. (She begins hustling them toward the door.) SHEP (hurrying up with a loaded tray): Oh, wait, don’t go. We put some extra low-fat whipped cream in the hot chocolate for Sherman. SHERMAN: Hey, she knows my name. MR. PEABODY (narrating): The Baroness’s man quickly settled the bills and we found ourselves in a luxurious Maybach limousine roaring up the coast road toward the notorious Herringcarp Asylum. MR. PEABODY: So when did you last see . . . the Hooded Hood? ZEMO: Enough with this pretence! (He whips off his dress to reveal an SS uniform with jackboots. His hands then go to his face, as he tries to pull off the latex mask. Unfortunately, the mask will not release, resulting in a distorted Beth Zemo face and wig above Baron Otto Zemo’s body.) SHERMAN: Mr. Peabody, who is she – er he – er it? ZEMO: Baron Ottokar Kublai Tamerlane Attila Zemo von Saxe-Lurkburg-Schreckhausen, young idiot. MR. PEABODY: And you have the cutest blonde hair. ZEMO: Silence! We have arrived at Herringcarp. Follow me. MR. PEABODY (mildly): And if we don’t? ZEMO: Dolf, Rolf and Hrolf there outside will persuade you (they open their cloaks to reveal submachine guns). MR. PEABODY (narrating): After unlocking a complicated series of doors, the Baron ushered us into the grand hall of Herringcarp Asylum, where he proceeded to draw a complicated pentagram and other magical devices. Then, as is customary, he made the villain’s exposition. ZEMO: Now, my naïve friends from another dimension, I will displace you into yet another dimension using this pentagram, in which I have trapped one of the Hooded Hood’s shoes. Your multiple dimensional displacement will in turn displace him, and he should be attracted to the shoe. Imprisoned in the pentagram, he will have to deal with me for his freedom. So, to begin . . . A TALL THIN MAN IN A DEERSTALKER CAP AND INVERNESS CAPE: I say, Baron Otto, you blackguard, the jig is up. ZEMO (whirling to face the intruder): Sherlock Holmes? What have you to do with Herringcarp? HOLMES: I’ve been on the trail of the Hooded Hood m’self. Scene: outside Herringcarp Asylum, with Mr. Peabody, Sherman and Dr. John Watson. SHERMAN: What I don’t understand, Mr. Peabody, is how Sherlock Holmes got into the asylum, and what he hoped to find. MR. PEABODY: Oh, Sherman, can’t you guess? He climbed up that large tree and went out the branch to that open window. DR. WATSON: You mean? MR. PEABODY: Of course, it was an elm entry, my dear Watson. And as to your question, Sherman, the gain was a foot. SFX: foghorn moans at the puns. Then closing music. Scene: a little old mustachioed man with a street cleaner’s cart sweeps up after the parade. THE END. J. JONAH JERKSON Voice of the People J. JONAH JERKSON
Voice of the People | |||
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