Dancer #46: “From past multi-part stories I think we can fairly certainly conclude that you taking your pants off rarely helps.”


Dark Thugos, Master of Apocalypse, Master of Destruction, Lord of Really Horrid Things etc.: Cower, miserable worm. Tremble in awe before the one who shall rend your soul into screaming fragments for all eternity, condemning each shred to a worse sanity-mangling fate than the last! Prepare to be schismed into infinities of agony!

Customer who dared ask for a sachet of sugar: Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

[The Scene: There is a new face behind the counter of the Bean and Donut Coffee Bar today, and it’s attached to a granite-skinned galactic tyrant who’s staying with Sarah Shepherdson to learn the secrets of humanity (as part of a plot to rule all reality, naturally).]

Sarah, new manager of the Bean and Donut: No, I think you still need to work on your customer service a little more, Thugos.

Dark Thugos: I did not rend him to component atoms, even though there is no such prohibition in the staff handbook. Except for that illegible scrawl in lipstick hastily added on the contents page.

Sarah: Okay, it was a definite improvement over your dealings with the bread delivery man, but still, you need to work on being… nicer.

Dark Thugos: I am unquestioned conqueror of a thousand worlds, supreme power of Apocalsype, lone survivor of the Nearly New Gods. I do not do nice.

Sarah: Yeah. Well putting aside the whole confused multiple origin thing for a time when HH or KS or somebody wants to deal with it, I’d just like to point out that you weren’t unquestioned, were you? You got questioned pretty severely by the Parody Master, who questioned your butt all over the conceptual plane. And then Earth and its Lair Legion questioned the PM’s butt to oblivion, which is why you’re here learning about us, isn’t it? And I’m telling you that you need to master niceness.

Dark Thugos: I have already encountered the irritating thought being Yo. I have dissected many rabbits seeking to understand it.

Sarah: Really not the way to go. Very uncute. Look, you just need to learn to be a bit less… conquery with people. Try again on this new customer. Ask him if he’d like his usual.

Dark Thugos, growling: Very well. You, worthless wretch that I would normally scrape from my boot so as not to contaminate a dungheap, what pointless gastric indulgence that you do not deserve will you bleatingly beg for in exchange for your valueless paltry trust-based currency?

Visionary: Um… a cruller, please?

Dark Thugos, menacingly: Crueller, you say?

Sarah: Cruller. There’s a difference. But Vizh has had heart problems and should be watching what he eats. Ask him for a doctor’s medical certificate.

Dark Thugos, more menacingly, leaning over Visionary: Yellow-coated interloper, have you yet seen a doctor?

Vizh: Er… am I still dreaming? Only this time I’m being harassed in the Bean and Donut with everybody watching and snickering and I seem to still have my pants on.

Sarah: Just trying out some new help, that’s all. Thuggy’s learning about being human. You can assist him.

Vizh: Well, there’s a really strong rumour that I might be fake. I’m reconsidering my position on that right now.

Dark Thugos: Speak your plea for sustenance, feeble witling, and take note of this tips jar as a means of preserving many bones in your body in an intact condition.

Sarah: Hey, that’s not the way to ask for tips. Also, when a guy says you can reach the tip out of his pocket, try not to grab whatever’s in there and crush it to pulp. Although it’s prolly a while before anyone tries that here again, I guess.

Vizh: Shep, can we talk about your hiring policies? I mean, I know you’re all for equal opportunities but does that include equal ops for galactic tyrants? Also, how did you get him into that apron?

Dark Thugos: Sarah told me of the caste system here, wherein only the mightiest are able to wear the white frilly pinafore of triumph. I therefore found the feebly lowly Michael wretch drudging in the kitchen, challenged him for his clothing, and claimed my rightful mantle of victory.

Sarah: Yeah, that was quite acceptable. In fact maybe you’d better go and see how he’s doing with the dishes. He’s got quite a bit faster since I made you his supervisor.

Dark Thugos: Fear and pain are the keys to staff management.

Sarah: Yeah, a lot of directors I’ve auditioned for seem to agree with you.

Vizh, when Thugos has gone into the back room: Sarah, what the hell are you doing? That’s one of the most evil, dangerous men in the Parodyverse and you’ve got him… Oh crap, you’re not dating him, are you? Because I don’t know if I can do the big brother talk with him and, you know, survive.

Sarah: We are not dating. Okay, he might be the tinest little bit living with me, but…

Vizh: Keep talking. I’m just speed dialling Donar.

Sarah: No, Vizh, it’s not like that. Also, I’m now responsible for breakages here.

Vizh: Please tell me this is a dream. A nightmare. I’ll take my pants off if that helps.

Sarah: From past multi-part stories I think we can fairly certainly conclude that you taking your pants off rarely helps. In fact I think that was written on the bathroom wall.

Vizh: I feel so much better now.

Sarah: Burned onto the bathroom wall, actually. Anyhow, this is our big chance to reform Thugos, to show him what humanity is really like.

Vizh: So he destroys us quicker to put us out of our misery?

Sarah: Um, and Vizh, Thugos might be maybe paying a visit to your Lighthouse later. Only we’ve got this little plumbing problem in my flat at the moment on account of Thugos disintegrating my bathroom so I’ll be needing to borrow your shower before my big date with Rudy tonight and Thugos is following me around.

Vizh: If he tries to follow you into my shower that really will be a Donar moment.

Sarah: No, no. I’m expecting my date to be a no-Thugos zone. Rudy’s the perfect man for me and I don’t want anything to go wrong. I think he could be The One. So I’ll be bringing Thugos round and asking you to keep him busy for a while. To Thugos-sit, if you will.

Vizh: And if I won’t?

Sarah: Then crullers are off the menu for the foreseeable future.

Vizh: And we say Lisa is the evil one.

Dark Thugos, returning: You! Miserable scraps of flesh in the corner that should have been aborted in the womb! This is a no-smoking establishment! Prepare to die!

Sarah: Um, I have more staff training to do. See you later. Thanx for offering to help.

Vizh: Offering to help? Did I miss a tie-in or something?


[Continued…]