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HH schedules a review of assets for 2028 at the latest, pending agenda approval
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J. Jonah Jerkson

Subj: Oh, now we're definitely the Satireverse.
Posted: Sun Dec 25, 2016 at 04:00:55 am EST (Viewed 1 times)
Reply Subj: The Baroness, Part 72. The constituted authorities consider the crisis.
Posted: Sun Dec 25, 2016 at 12:57:09 am EST (Viewed 7 times)



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    The Baroness, Part 72. The constituted authorities consider the crisis.



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    This tie-in is concurrent with UT#357 Parts 1 and 2.



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    Scene: a high-security conference room somewhere in Washington, D.C. A long, oval mahogany table is set with water glasses and pitchers, notepads, and small signs at each seat: SPUD – D. Drury, Office of Paranormal Security – A. Soames, Federal Metahuman Resource Center – R. Holcomb, SPAM – Harmanda Barriere, Presidential Adviser on Superheroes – H. Garrick (chair), A. St. Clair – Liaison to the Lair Legion, Defense Department – Gen. B. Guano (ret.) and Homeland Security Department – the Hon. C. Chrystie, ex-governor of New Guernsey. A red telephone without a dial sits in front of Mr. Garrick’s seat. Large screens on the walls are displaying the speaker’s slide show, plus real-time camera views of the Lair Legion’s base on Parody Island, the SAFE, the Wookiegetlucky Swamp and Ausgard.



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    AMBER ST. CLAIR: “And so, it appears that the re-organization of reality wave is progressing without pause. Sometime in the next six hours all metahumans and non-humans on Earth will lose their powers and either become normal human beings or animals, or will perish. Evacuations of many of the remaining beings in these categories are underway but may not complete before the cutoff of dimensional and time travel.”



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    GENERAL GUANO: “Hot damn! We’ve won. Time to reallocate those appropriations to what we really need – more tanks.”



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    DIRECTOR DRURY: “Not so fast, General. I need that money to go after all the little pissant threats that the weird crew has been holding down. I tell you, we’re going to have Nazis coming out of our ears before long.”



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    MS. ST CLAIR (mumbling): “Sort of hard to get them out of the White House.”



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    SECRETARY CHRYSTIE (reaching behind him for a bag and finding it empty): “Hey, does anyone have more Doritos?”



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    ADMINISTRATOR SOAMES: “Are we sure that the metahumans are permanently losing their powers? How many times before has there been some strange energy field or interplanetary conqueror who shuts them down for a short time, and then they bounce back.”



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    MS. ST CLAIR (shuddering): “Especially CrazySugarFreakBoy.”



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    COMMISSIONER BARRIERE: “This episode, Mr. Soames, is different. My organization grabbed, er, obtained reluctant volunteers from the Terminus Team. We’ve had them under constant surveillance and testing for the last 36 hours. They are all losing their powers and reverting to mundane status – although we’re not quite sure whether whatever the Appalling Appendage Man is becoming is mundane – or even alive. Our conclusions are displayed on Screen 6.”



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    GEN. GUANO: “It doesn’t matter what those loonies are turning into -- they’re history. It’s time to re-equip for the real threat: inadequate levels of advanced military equipment. After we get the new tank divisions, I suppose we can let the Navy and the Air Force get some ships and some new missiles. And an armed services pay raise, of course.”



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    SEC’Y CHRYSTIE: “Does that mean that Defense will start catering these meetings again? I miss the apple crullers you brought before the latest budget cuts.”



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    GEN. GUANO: “I’ll personally make sure we bring back the crullers, if you back me on appropriations.”



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    DIRECTOR HOLCOMB: “My agency is preparing for a quick census of all known anomalous beings, starting tomorrow, with particular attention to any that may retain some form of unusual ability. Harmanda, we’d appreciate assistance from SPAM on this.”



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    COMM’R BARRIERE: “Of course, Ruben, just as soon as we finish cataloging all the changes. Maybe in about five months.”



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    DIR. DRURY: “Ain’t you all missing the point here? In six hours or so there won’t be any reason for most of us to be workin’ for Uncle Sam, dang it. We are about to be made redundant, obsolete, surplus, unneeded for requirements and about 40 other adjectives the suits are linin’ up. “



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    GEN. GUANO (smirking): “Glad to see you understand the situation so well, Drury. The Army can always send you back to Sleazy Company and you can go after those part-time Nazis you’re so worried about. No helicarriers though. Shame. That reminds me, we need another 50 C-147 airlift platforms. We may have to zero out a few of your guys (makes note on his phone).



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    ADMIN. SOAMES: “Bat, you are not going to break up the OPS and split up my best people just so you can get another batch of toys with my money. I’m going to fight you all the way to President Tromp on this. And you know how much he hates it when other businessmen make excessive profits.”



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    COMM’R BARRIERE: “Come after my budget, Guano, and you’ll see how many congresscritters owe me. You have been warned.”



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    DIR. HOLCOMB: “I’m not going down without a fight either. Although that will be a first.”



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    They all turned towards Herb Garrick, awaiting his riposte.



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    ADVISER GARRICK (steepling his hands in thought): “This looks like a case where someone
    is closing a door but opening a window. Someone is powerful enough to turn off superheroes, lobotomize robots, banish fairies, vampires, ghouls and all those oddballs, and de-monsterfy the planet. That sounds like a class 1 threat to me. He, she or it may or may not be able to line those powers up against us, but even if they don’t, they must be one hell of a threat right up there with the Parody Master. So, this isn’t a threat, it’s a whole new opportunity. Every one of our agencies has to retool and rethink to be ready for the known unknowns and the unknown unknowns. We’ll have to brief Congress and leak to the media like we haven’t done in decades. Everything will need to be tried and resourced for every possible threat. And no Lair Legion to get in the way. Sorry, Amber, but it can’t be helped. We’ll find a place for you. Today, ladies and gentlemen, is our gateway to triumph.”



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    There was a short silence, broken by an awed statement from Harmanda Barriere. “Herb, I still think you’re a first rate twit. But Politico was right when they named you three years running ‘Washington’s Wiliest Bureaucrat.’ For once, I’m going to follow your playbook.”



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    SEC'Y CHRYSTIE: I could really use a double cheeseburger now.



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    The meeting adjourned with an unanimous decision to pursue Mr. Garrick’s course of action.



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    Playing the parts of plural political parasites:



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