Adventures in Parodyverse: Bathtubs and Ninjas, Part 2


    The Psychic Samurai made a name for herself among the underworld not by working for Akiko Masamune - there were literally dozens of others who did that - but through being unapologetically brazen.  Those who had been paid unannounced visits by the Asian often went out of their way to avoid gaining her attention again.  She wasn’t particularly threatening; but she did have a way of being highly disruptive and annoying.

    To that effect, there was much panicked whispering in the back room of a bathroom and kitchen supply shop near Chinatown.  On the security cameras, they could see a Japanese woman, not particularly tall, but carrying a sword strapped to her back.  She wore a black leather jacket, dark jeans, and leather boots with a slight heel.  And most concerning to those who watched her, she was unnervingly calm, taking her time looking at glass bowl bathroom sinks.

    A saleswoman approached her, and asked her if she needed help.  Those in the back room bristled when she asked for the owner.  By name.  Then she calmly asked the saleswoman, and the other sales people, to leave.  They could tell she was serious, and they all ran past the camera and out the front door.

    The owner frowned angrily, and turned to those looking over his shoulder at the camera’s monitor.  “Get rid of her,”  he said.  “However you have to.”

    Just then, the door chimed again, and lots of shadows closed in on the camera.  It turned out to be a half dozen Japanese men.  They carried baseball bats.  One of them began the assault by knocking over the glass bowl sinks Chiaki was looking at.

    She wasn’t looking at them anymore.  Now she was staring directly at the camera.  Directly through the camera.

    The owner of the store called Bathtub Ninja cursed, and he turned away from the camera angrily as he heard smashing glass downstairs.  “I said, get rid of--”

    His ninja were all gone.  They silently fled and disappeared without a word.

    Just as he thought about leaving as well, the door to the dark room burst open.  In the doorway was a small feminine silhouette wearing a leather jacket and carrying a thin sword.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You made two grave mistakes,”  the Psychic Samurai informed him.  “You made a pact with disloyal ninja.  And you tried to have a friend of mine killed.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Are you going to kill me?”  he asked.

    She didn’t reply.  Instead, she walked toward him quickly and hit him with the blunt side of her sword, knocking him out cold.


---

    Vinnie De Soth sighed as he followed Liu Xi Xian outside of the smoky eating establishment in Chinatown.  He knew now why Liu Xi wore the hooded sweatshirt - it was raining lightly.  He never had the foresight to check the forecast.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where are we going to find the Xander?”  he asked, sounding dejected.  “He didn’t exactly leave a forwarding number.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I have his email address.”  Liu Xi told him with a smirk.  “I don’t know if he will reply though.”

    Vinnie wrapped his arms around Liu Xi and hugged her.  “I’m a little jealous.  Why did Xander give you his email address and some of his spell books, and me he just says good luck, and poof he’s gone?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“He said I needed it more than you did.”  Liu Xi explained.  “In a note in one of the books.  He left a lot of notes in those books.”

    Vinnie and Liu Xi paused and looked at each other.  They had the same thought at the same time - to go to the Lair Mansion and search the books Xander left Liu Xi for notes.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Taxi!”  they both called out at the same time.


---


    The taxi stopped in front of the Paradopolis History Museum.  It was still open, so the trio of Hatman, Yuki, and Lara Night hadn’t gotten there too late.  They stepped out of the cab, and raced through the light rain to the front door.

    Once inside, they discovered that there was an admission fee of $15 per person, no exceptions.  Yuki didn’t carry a wallet at all.  Hatman just spent all his cash on the cab ride from the police station.  Lara Night shrugged, and dug into all of her jeans pockets to produce a wrinkled $100 bill.  

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I hope they have change,”  she said.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’ll pay you--”  Hatman attempted to offer, but Lara covered his mouth before he finished.  She then collected the three tickets and handed them out.

    Shortly after, the three made it upstairs to the Security office.  It was locked, so Hatman knocked on the door.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Who’s there?”  a voice asked from inside.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hatman, from the Lair Legion,”  he replied.  “I want to ask if you had any ancient Chinese swords stolen lately.”

    An ancient man in a Security uniform, with white hair and a slouch, opened the door and squinted at Hatman.  “Why would anyone steal Chinese food?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sword,”  Hatman clarified more loudly.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh yeah!”  the old man finally lit up.  “We had one of those Chinese swords stolen a week ago.  How did you know about it?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“We talked to the police,”  Hatman said, to keep the story simple and avoid a more detailed conversation with the old man.  “Can we speak to the museum curator?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m not the curator,”  the old man corrected.  “I can get him for you, though.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes, that would be great.”  Hatman replied with a sigh.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’ll be right back,”  the old man said.  “Wait here.”

    Yuki leaned against a wall, arms crossed.  She looked incredibly bored.

    Hatman used the time to squeeze Lara’s shoulder gently to get her attention.  “I’m really glad you’ve been dedicating so much time to this.  You’ve really been helping me out, and also the Lair Legion.”

    Lara smiled and hugged him abruptly.  “I love you too, Hatty,”  she joked.

    He quickly looked at Yuki, almost panicked, and said, “This isn’t what it looks like.  We’re not sleeping together or anything.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I know.”  Yuki replied, sounding bored, without even moving.  “I hang around Vinnie and Liu Xi a lot.  I can tell the difference.  Besides, I can tell Lara is too much for you.”

    He looked almost genuinely offended.  “What do you mean, ‘too much for me’?”

    Yuki laughed and shook her head.  “Your life is complicated, her life is complicated.  When you’re friends you can choose what you keep separate from each other.  If you go further than that...”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh.  I see what you mean.”  Hatman replied.  “I thought that you meant...I guess I’ve been listening to Dream too much.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“And you claim Dream is corrupting me.”  Lara joked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Do you think Yuki is right?”  he asked Lara.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes.”  Lara responded plainly.  “She really is.  Don’t feel insulted though.  I mean you can’t, because then I’d have to be insulted too.”

    Their conversation was interrupted when the curator of the museum arrived, along with the security guard.  He wore a name tag that said ‘Marvin’.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“What do you know about the missing sword?”  the curator asked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“We have it.”  Yuki spoke up first, being the resident detective of the Lair Legion.  “Right now we need it for an investigation, but we’ll return it as soon as we’re done.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“What investigation?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s kind of curious,”  Yuki whispered to herself as she noticed that the museum had a frozen yogurt booth, but it was currently closed.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Attempted murder,”  Hatman explained.  “My attempted murder.”


---


    Books were scattered all over the carpeted floor of Liu Xi’s lounge at the Lair Mansion as she and Vinnie searched the books Xander gave her, page by page, looking for handwritten notes and post-its between the pages.  There were only a few books, but each with many pages.  They tried to save time by leafing pages when possible, because the post-its would fall out, and handwriting would be plainly visible.

    Finally, Liu found something on an orange post-it.  “It mentions the name of someone and says Paradopolis Museum of History.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“What’s the name?”  Vinnie asked.

    Liu Xi held it up.  Vinnie then typed the name into a search on her tablet computer, sitting on the floor beside him.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Uh-oh.”  he whispered.  “Hallie?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes?”  Hallie’s green wireframe form appeared standing in front of him.  It looked a little intimidating since he was sitting on the floor at the time.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Where did Yuki, Hatman, and Lara go?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“The Paradopolis Museum of History.  Why?”

    Vinnie and Liu Xi didn’t reply.  They both stood at once and raced out of the room.

    Hallie frowned, and looked down at the tablet they left behind.  On the screen was the museum’s web site, scrolled down to a listing of staff.  Right at the center was the name of the curator, Marvin Hallerman.


TO BE CONTINUED...


Story written and copyrighted (C) 2011 by Jason Froikin, and may not be reprinted without permission.  Yuki Shiro designed by Jason Froikin, based on designs by Masamune Shirow.  Liu Xi Xian and the Psychic Samurai are original design by Jason Froikin.  Lara Night is an original creation by Jason Froikin