Previous Post Tandi 9000 #7 Last Issue: The former sexbot turned Lair Legion Secretary survived the Office Party of Doom at EvilCo and saved the canapés from the shredder machine. She managed to convince the instructor at the Secretarial Training College of her manual dexterity and got her diploma with a special commendation medal. And she looked into whether her hardware could be adapted to include a pencil sharpener function. Meanwhile Brad and Felicity split up when Tori revealed what Dashiel’s twin had done in the sauna – with devastating consequences. Now, Tandi has to face up to the big leagues by impressing her boss, the hard-nosed slave-driving Visionary… Tandi: Good morning boss. I mean, sir. Visionary: Grumph! Tandi: I’ve got your coffee ready for you, in a special mug I bought that says World’s Greatest Boss. Visionary gropes for the cup: Grumph! Tandi: I made it just the way you liked it. Kerry told me how. Visionary: Grumph! I mean… what? I mean… aaaaaagghhh! Hot! Hothothothothot! Tandi, smiling: Why thank you. I picked this skirt specially. You don’t think it’s too long, then? I mean, you can hardly see my thong. Visionary attacks nearest vase and drinks water from it. Tandi: I think there was plant fertiliser in that. [* Muses to self *] So, it’s true what Kerry says. He does have spiffy envy. Visionary: Well, on the bright side, I’m awake now. I was up all night with Hallie. Tandi: Well, it was bound to happen. CSFB! said that if you didn’t get some soon your testicles would explode and he didn’t want to be on the same continent when it happened. Visionary: I was up all night with Hallie reviewing situation reports. On the big holographic globe in the Operations Room. So we don’t really need to discuss my testicles, thank you. Tandi: Understood. Yuki said it might not be diplomatic to do that. Visionary: Right. So let’s move on to… Yuki said what? Tandi: Yuki said we should talk about bigger things. Visionary: I think I feel a stern memo coming on. After I set the monitor duty rota for the next, oh, century. [* He staggers to his desk *] Back in the day, you know, Jarvis used to keep me on the monitors… *Splosh* Visionary: Um… my chair appears to be standing in eighteen inches of water. At least it was standing in eighteen inches of water until I sat on it. Now it is lying down in eighteen inches of water, and so am I. Tandi: Oops. I guess Fleabot got round to installing the jacuzzi. Visionary: Ah. That would be the jacuzzi that my desk is standing in, would it? Tandi: Well, Sir Mumphrey has the big office. This is the small office. The only way to fit the jacuzzi in was to make creative use of space. Al B. offered to find ways of putting it on the wall and Liu Xi offered to attach an en suite pool but they were both tackled down by Hatman and Ham-Boy before they could proceed. Visionary: Good to know somebody’s watching my back. I said watching, not washing, Tandi. Tandi: Okay. Shall I put my top back on, then? Visionary: Glub. Tandi: Anyway, after Al B. and Liu Xi went off in huffs the Manga Shoggoth was happy to help out fitting the jacuzzi in here. Visionary: Aaah! [*Scrambles out of water and sit on desk*] I think there are tentacles in there! Tandi: Don’t worry. In my experience that’s what sitting in a jacuzzi always feels like. Visionary: Okay, I have a few instructions. Please write this down. One, put your top back on. And maybe a friend’s top, too. An Eskimo friend. Two, call Vinnie de Soth to come and exorcise my jacuzzi. Three, donate it to Beth von Zemo. In fact forget step two, just go straight to three. Tandi: You don’t like an office hot tub? All my other employers have been very happy in them. In fact mostly that’s been in my contract of employment. Visionary: Here I’ll be happy if you keep up with the filing. And possibly not stab me with spears when I ask for coffee. Or get coffee recipes from Kerry. Or Danny. Or Citizen Z. Tandi: Okay. So, um, this is really new to me. I mean, actual filing. Usually all I’m expected to do is bend over at the filing cabinet. Visionary: Well, you can be more than your sexbot programming, Tandi. You proved that before. And having a computer brain can’t hurt trying to work out the Librarian’s filing system. Or Lisa’s. Anything that seems particularly sticky would be from her time as Leader. Tandi: I think the equipment in the bottom drawer is probably hers. I was cataloguing it earlier. I love my job. Visionary, worriedly: This would be the bottom drawer that is now underwater in my jacuzzi? I don’t think it’s very safe having that amount of battery devices getting soaked. Tandi: On the bright side I think they scared off the tentacles. Visionary: I’m starting to wonder if the LL leader’s office shouldn’t be relocated to a more neutral venue. Somewhere safer. Like Latveria. Tandi: Shall I make a note of it? Or do you want to take your 8.30 appointment now? Visionary: I’ll do the meeting. [*He reaches for the intercom*] Hallie, can you direct my 8.30 to my office, please? Tandi: Um, that wasn’t the intercom. That was the control panel for the jacuzzi special features. Visionary: Aaaaaghhh! *sploosh* *glub* *gurgle!* *whoosh!!* *spoing!* Tandi: It’s a good job I’m programmed to know the Kiss of Life. Engaging tongues! Visionary, thirty frenetic seconds later: Mmmphh! You can stop now. I’m saved! And I don’t want another heart attack. Also I’d like to refasten my pants! Tandi: Sure, boss. And I’ll tell Yuki that she was working off inaccurate information. I can upload the full specs onto the internet if you like. Visionary, wincing: No, that’s fine, thanks. Just… tell me who my 8.30’s with and get us a different room to meet in, one that doesn’t have the Killer Jacuzzi of Hentai Death in it. Tandi, checking the schedule: It’s government liaison Herbert. P. Garrick. Visionary: On second thoughts, show him in. And get him some beach shorts. Next Issue: Nugent says he loves Nadine, but he’s still got the keys to Alissa’s trailer. Meanwhile, Lair Banshee Marie Murcheson calls Tandi in to deal with Morgosa le Fay’s Cursed Tampons of Doom and Lisa demands compensation for her waterlogged equipment drawer – with hilarious consequences. Don’t miss it! Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2011 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2011 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.

Reading that story, I was amused at how many times Visionary would have been misunderstood even by Anna. He may have even been punched once.