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Saving the Future – Part 24: There Can Be Only One
Previously: The Void Scholar’s plans near fruition. With the Lair Legion and many of the world’s defenders lost in Comic-Book Limbo the villains dominate Earth. The Purveyors of Peril have set a trap to eliminate the Junior Lair Legion. Space Fandoms quietly further the Scholar’s plots. Danny (Denial) Lyle has been split from Kerry Shepherdson so in the future he can be manipulated into breeding with Liu Xi Xian to provide an ultimate grandchild for the Void Scholar. The alien killing machine Onslaughter journeys towards Earth intent on killing all life there.
It’s not a good day.
Previous Chapters
The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom
Who's Who in the Parodyverse
***
Somewhere on the very edge of the probability curve, as far from sensible coherent unified narrative as it was possible to get without dropping into incomprehension, the Parodyverse bobbed like a cork on the cusp of a waterfall; unlikely, subversive, dangerous, hilarious, and stunning.
Somewhere on the very edge between the Parodyverse and utter oblivion, staring right into the eternal maw of the Void itself, hung the peaceful Oriental gardens of the Void Scholar who sought to write the final chapter of the Parodyverse.
And somewhere in a quiet pagoda beside a sculpted koi pool where herons stood and tall grasses swayed in a breeze between worlds, a lost young woman brought a tray of food to a battered young man.
“Good morning, Danny,†Liu Xi Xian greeted Denial, the boy she’d dragged from the depths of the Void.
“Morning, Shimmer,†Danny Lyle replied. He couldn’t say how many mornings they’d had this exchange. Time didn’t run like that in the gardens of the Void Scholar. It was long enough for it to have become a familiar routine, almost domestic. It could have been a thousand years.
“How are you feeling this morning?†Liu Xi knelt beside Danny’s futon and laid out the things from her tray with careful efficiency: tea and bread and cheese, and a dish of fruit she’d picked herself from the cultivated orchards beyond the main pagoda.
“Bit better, thanks. My thinking’s clearer and my memory’s starting to patch itself up. It doesn’t hurt when I breath and I’m not coughing blood.â€Â
Liu Xi nodded, as if satisfied with that. She knelt and watched Danny as he ate, as if checking that he could take care of himself properly.
“Do you remember what happened now?†she ventured at last. She was trying to piece all kinds of things together in her mind, trying to understand everything that had happened to her and others; trying to discover what her grandfather the Void Scholar was really up to.
“Lots of it, yeah,†Danny admitted. “Where’s your old man today, Shimmer?â€Â
Liu Xi gestured towards the great pagoda that afforded the best view over the dark swirling blister of the Void. “He returned last night – or it seemed like last night – in a foul mood. His robe was all torn. He snapped at me to stay away from him. Since then he’s been busy, and I can’t sense what he’s doing. There are none of the regular elements here, so it’s like I’m blind.â€Â
“But not dumb,†Danny almost smiled. Liu Xi almost blushed.
“I did try and venture out again,†Liu Xi confided in a whisper, leaning low to Danny’s ear. “I wanted to check what you said, about what happened to the Earth, about so much time having passed and about it not being there any more. I… I think you might be right. I couldn’t find a way out of this place but… Danny, I couldn’t even feel the elements of the Earth, even far away.â€Â
“It’s destroyed,†Danny told the elementalist. “I’m sure of that much. It was the nexus planet that the stories of the Parodyverse focussed on, and that made it a target. Then it was destroyed.†He closed his eyes. “I think… I might have destroyed it.â€Â
“What happened?†Liu Xi demanded urgently. “I ask you every morning and every morning you put me off and say you don’t know. Please, if you feel anything for me at all, if you care about me, tell me the truth.â€Â
This was the morning Danny told her what he remembered. “Okay. Well, I guess it started when the Juniors arrived…â€Â
***
Suddenly, the Juniors arrived.
The Ausgardian goat chariot dropped over the Arctic tundra with a sonic boom and came low following the instructions of boy genius Salieri Meng. “Turn seven degrees to port. Do not hit those puffins, they’re endangered. Turn half a degree starboard. Do not hit those puffins, they’re endangered, even if they are looking at you a bit funny. Turn a quarter degree more to starboard. Do not remind me that I’m trapped in a high-speed goat-driven flying cart piloted by a thousand-year-old teenage Australiasian Norse deity and his wacky chums…â€Â
“I’m not wacky,†objected Ham-Boy, clinging onto the cart-rail and thinking that he really needed to redesign his ham-cowl to allow for easier barfing. “I might be a little zany, possibly. Or kookie, sometimes?â€Â
“Kitch,†Fashion Accessory supplied. She was in a white and blue cold-weather environment suit, perfectly fitted to her California blonde form, with a fun fur lining ruffling around her hood. “You’re kitch and just a little bit retro. And I’m a design classic.â€Â
“I art more like unto iconic,†suggested Harlagaz Donarson, steering the goats towards the destination on Meng’s sensor pad. “Mayhap I art also beefy.â€Â
Kerry Shepherdson did not join in the banter. The word to describe her just now was ‘simmering’.
“Well thanks for those clarifications,†muttered Salieri Meng. He consulted his data again. “Right, we’re near to where the northernmost of those sudden chasms appeared. Slow us down from insanely fast to just recklessly fast and try and get us to the edge where I can work out what’s going on without any more wind shear burns.â€Â
“I’m losing the signal to Asil and the gang back at the Lighthouse,†Ham-Boy warned.
“So we can’t have constant sensible advice from Miss Goody Two Shoes and the spook squad she’s got crawling over my house?†said Kerry. “Good.â€Â
“That could be atmospheric, or some artefact of being near the artefact,†Salieri pondered, “or it could be a trap.â€Â
“Really?†growled Fashion Accessory. “It’s a good job we had a boy genius with us to figure that one out. Whatever would be do without you?â€Â
“You’d get totally lost for one thing,†Meng snapped back.
“Yon foetus is correct,†conceded Harlagaz, “but at least we hast found yon hole now.†He pointed to a dark smear on the horizon.
Just before the Lair Legion had vanished, complete with their whole island, there had been other disturbances across the planet. First an ancient archaeological site in South America had disappeared. That had been the trigger to activate a series of half-mile-wide chasms to grow across the Earth, each carved from engraved rock older than the formation of the Solar System, each possessing a residual energy signature similar to the one left where Parody Island had once been.
Gaz skidded his goats to a stop near the edge of the pit. The goats steamed in the bitter cold and perhaps pinged quietly.
“That’s a deep hole,†Ham-Boy admitted. “I’m not sure I can generate a long enough sausage-ladder to get us down there.â€Â
“Tis deep,†agreed Harlagaz, “but I wilt widdle into it for the nonce, in the interests of scientific research.â€Â
Kerry knelt down beside the edge of the chasm, fingering the frozen stone. “There’s power here,†she could sense, “really ancient power. But it’s latent. Waiting. It’s been waiting for a really long time.â€Â
“You can sense it, Kare?†FA realised. “It’s, um, not going to blow up, is it?â€Â
Kerry strained to focus her perceptions. “I think it already did. A real long time back. I think this is… scrap? A fragment, left over from something blew up real good. Salvage, reused for a… a shadow of its original purpose.â€Â
“That’s very perceptive,†admitted Salieri Leng. “There’s a definite dimensional component to what this has been used for, originally and since. I’ve been trying to flash through these readings to Miss Framlicker at Extraordinary Endeavour Enterprises but it seems like they’re offline for some reason. Maybe it’s the magnetic anomalies this close to the Pole blocking comms? But I’m a bit unhappy…â€Â
“Big surprise there,†breathed Samantha Bonnington.
“A bit unhappy that the activation readings are exactly what I’d expect them to be if this place powered up.â€Â
“I’m not sensing powered up,†Kerry argued. “Not yet.â€Â
“I mean exactly what I’d expect,†the seventh-smartest boy genius on the planet emphasised. “As if the sensor data was artificially generated by an unimaginative computer program.â€Â
“So it ist an ambush,†confirmed Harlagaz, refastening his jeans. “Good. Come outeth come outeth wherever you are!â€Â
“Wait…†advised Ham-Boy nervously.
But then the ambush was sprung.
***
Suddenly, the Purveyors of Peril arrived.
The sandstorm was the last thing anyone might have expected on the arctic tundra, hammering in a murderous speed pushing millions of grains of sand hard enough to rip flesh from bone. Goats and cart were toppled over the edge of the chasm and tumbled down to vanish below.
The Juniors were hurled off their feet and scattered, each coping with the devastating assault from Grit the Granulated Man in their own way. FA shifted her clothing to all-covering desert fatigues with a facemask. Kerry fused the sand around her to heavy droplets of molten glass. Ham-Boy shielded himself with a wall of kidneys. Harlagaz ignored the assault and looked round for attack. Salieri Meng complained loudly and huddled in a ball while the stinging particles tore over him. Ham-Boy pushed the protective wall of kidneys on top of him.
El Futbalista Atomico was next in, bracketing the youngsters with a series of charged-plasma balls hammered from his foot, keeping the Juniors off-balance while the other members of the world’s supervillain varsity moved into position.
“I don’t suppose you children are going to do this,†VelcroVixen told Kerry and the others, “but you do get one chance to surrender.â€Â
Appendage Man chuckled.
“And what happens if we surrender?†Ham-Boy demanded.
“We kill you quick,†Anvil Man promised.
“And, um, if we don’t?â€Â
“We kill you slow,†Suicide Blonde answered.
“Slowly,†Brass Monkey corrected the showgirl’s grammar.
“Killeth,†agreed Clonar, the brain-damaged replicant of Harlagaz’s father.
“And for the record,†Salieri Meng added, crawling from under the pile of slowly-freezing meat, “are you people working for the Baroness or for the Void Scholar?â€Â
“We’re working for ourselves,†answered UltiMAX-Treme Man. “Although I’d love to know more about this Void Scholar before you die. Is he Bethie von Zemo’s secret source?â€Â
“Oh come on,†snorted Fashion Accessory. “The Purveyors are powerful bullies, for sure, and you can do a lot of damage when you gang up on people, but you’re not exactly leader material, are you? You’re professional minions for hire, the muscle for some major, serious supervillain.â€Â
“We knowth you art not working for the Hooded Hoodeth this time,†Harlagaz accused.
“Really?†Voodoo Vicaress responded. “Why?â€Â
“They are keeping us talking,†warned Razor Ballerina. “We came to kill these children.â€Â
“Because if you were working for the Hood we’d be down by now,†Kerry Shepherdson answered, looking up suddenly, her eyes burning. “And this wouldn’t be happening.â€Â
Then the volcanoes burst. The arctic plain shattered around them as the tectonic stresses of a continent bent to the probability arsonist’s will. Kerry had a lot of anger bottled inside her right now. Kerry stopped bottling.
Lightnings suddenly rippled from high above. Harlagaz channelled the auroral discharges down into the Purveyors before him, an animal roar rising from his throat as his hair stood on end under a witchfire gleam. The human members of the Purveyors doubled over and began to vomit as great wads of raw mean were generated right in their stomachs. Gorilla Grott and HAGGIE suddenly found their outer skins transmuted to locked titanium steel.
Gromm the Living Flatulence surrounded the Juniors in a choking cloud of caustic gas.
Kerry detonated Dr Roentgen, spilling his nuclear fire in an arc back across the Purveyors and twelve miles across the arctic plain; then she dropped to her knees, gasping for breath.
The reserve LairJet from the Legion’s secret emergency base decloaked above, its downdraughts scattering Gromm’s essence. The aircraft’s external speakers burst to life with the Star Wars theme tune.
“Is this where we drop in the reinforcements?†asked Glitch.
***
Suddenly, the friends of the Juniors arrived.
The LairJet swooped low, sideswiping Anvil Man into a channel of lava, sending UltiMAX-TremeMan and El Futbalisto Atomico rolling for cover. Fetish Lad was first on the ground, spinning self-clamping chains towards Suicide Blonde and Razor Ballerina. Falconne swooped low next, peeling off the air to surface missiles beneath her wings, targeting Appendage Man and HAGGIE. Then came Captain Courageous, dropping down to neutralise Voodoo Vicaress and Kid Produce spraying Grit the Granulated Man with his honey gun.
“Not bad,†allowed Suicide Blonde, transmuting the LairJet’s engines to ether and sending the vehicle crashing down amongst the ground-based defenders. “You kids are learning.â€Â
Roentgen regained control of his atomic forces and directed them straight towards Kerry in a multi-kiloton blast.
The last of the reinforcement dived from the downed jet to catch the forces with his symbiotic fern and return them straight back to the nuclear sentience. “Hey, I didn’t even get to say Junior Lair Legion lin…†slurred spiffy before he joined Roentgen in unconsciousness.
“Forget the Junior part,†Kerry told him, standing over her fallen team-mate. “It doesn’t matter what else happens, but when the Purveyors of Peril come attacking the world, when bad guys think they can beat heroes and do whatever they like, whatever they do to us, no matter how horrible, the guys who come to stop them whatever the cost, we are called The Lair Legion.â€Â
“I think you’ll find we now own the copyright on that name,†smirked VelcroVixen.
“I think thou wilt find we art the Lair Legion anyway,†answered Harlagaz Donarson.
Clonar tacked him to the ground and began to pound in his skull. “Killeth!â€Â
“Yeah, about that,†said Salieri Meng. “There was this nasty case called Wyrmfood, and she ordered an Ausgardian-crippling gun. We beat her but we kept the device.†The boy genius pulled out the weapon and demonstrated on the Donar-clone. “See?â€Â
“We need teamwork,†VelcroVixen barked, avoiding a low pass from Falconne. “You’re not the only team who can field a ringer. Hatman?â€Â
The hidden doorframes placed flat under the ice activated, sucking matter down towards a vacuum beyond the doors of the international space station. Doorman closed off blood supplies to the brains of Captain Courageous and Kid Produce in rapid succession. “You kids need a real spanking,†the alternate-reality Jay Boaz promised, “Save me Fashion Accessory for after.â€Â
“Hey there’s a queue,†warned Appendage Man.
The tide of battle turned against the Juniors again as VelcroVixen took control. “HAGGIE, an EMP. Razor Ballerina, psionic knife spray to clear the skies. Suicide Blonde, get Brass Monkey and Gromm back in the game. Xatroc, occupy the Ausgardian. Anvil Man, kill Shepherdson right now. Rest of you…â€Â
And then VelcroVixen vanished.
“Wasn’t me,†denied Doorman.
The Portal of Pretnetiousness opened.
“Well,†said Denial, “I guess then it must have been me.â€Â
***
Suddenly, Danny Lyle appeared
“Danny?†Kerry looked up suddenly with a stricken expression.
“Yeah, it’s me Firecracker. Sorry about earlier. If I hadn’t seemed all broken up and upset then nobody would have seriously discounted me from their calculations.â€Â
“So you don’t hate me? You’re not upset that Dr Loveray made me sleep with Vinnie? Why the hell aren’t you upset?â€Â
“He’s upset,†answered Vinnie De Soth, standing next to Danny in the throne room of Herringcarp Asylum on the other side of the Portal of Pretentiousness. “Just with the right people.â€Â
“Too right,†agreed Denial. “And that’s why I went collecting.â€Â
“Collecting?†Even Salieri Meng was confused by now.
“Yeah,†grinned Danny, viciously. “Collecting. Like this.â€Â
The Portal flashed and Citizen Z sprung out onto Suicide Blonde and rammed her blade through the transmuter’s belly. “Transmute that,†said the mystery metahuman. USAction went in against Anvil Man, tackling him away from Kerry. Ultimette engaged Razor Ballerina, her sorcerous powers augmenting her probability-shifting to avoid lethal psionic blades. Komodo slammed into Appendage Man.
Anvil Man moved to detonate his enemies. The Psychic Samurai anticipated his attack and looped a heavy bag over his head, obscuring the indestructible mercenary’s sight then dancing away before he could grab and crush her.
“Hey, Purveyors, this must be what it’s like taking on even numbers!†suggested Mary Prankstar as she bounced El Atomico Futbalista to the ground. “Ooh, can I get your autograph?â€Â
“This is what it’s like when good men associate,†Alcheman announced, fingering the tattoos on his biceps to counter the chemical shifts of Gromm the Living Flatulence. “Sic semper tyrannis.â€Â
“Well said, young man!†approved Silver Aegis, slamming his shield off Doorman, sending the alternate Boaz scuttling for the nearest escape door clutching his gut.
“Actually,†Meggan Foxxx pointed out, kicking UltiMAX-TremeMan where it was most likely to hurt, “this is what it’s like when you get a %8&£ and ram his &*£â€Â% up his *^£$%.â€Â
“Can you do that?†wondered Alice Apple, spilling HAGGIE back into Grit. “Can I get step-by-step instructions?â€Â
PsychoAcidPervGirl blurred over the battlefield, bouncing like a mad pinball between the conflicts. “It’s the kind of thing you need to work out for yourself,†she told her sister-in-law. “Trial and error.â€Â
“You really did go collecting, didn’t you?†Vinnie asked Danny.
The Hooded Hood’s son nodded grimly. “Plenty of people who were scheduled to get taken out. I just denied that and Portalled them here instead. It was pretty clear when Kes behaved like she did that this was targeted against me, manipulation. They used the girl I love to get a me, and they hurt her. Nobody gets away with that. Nobody.â€Â
Vinnie swallowed nervously and backed off a pace or two. He’d met demonspawn that felt less dangerous. “Well, you know I’d never have… I can’t help how I feel about Kerry now.â€Â
“Yeah, I know.â€Â
“You could deny it, make it so it’s not like that.â€Â
“Yeah I could.â€Â
On the other side of the Portal the battle became brutal. In the shadows of Herringcarp doors were opening.
***
Suddenly the Baroness arrived.
Baroness Elizabeth von Zemo was monitoring the whole thing from her concealed zeppelin. She jumped back from the monitor as if stung. “What the hell? I thought Lyle had been taken out of the picture by the Void Scholar? I thought he wanted nothing more to do with that Shepherdson menace?â€Â
“I guess love does inexplicable things,†suggested the Minion, standing beside her at the controls.
“I guess I need to take a direct hand,†spat Elizabeth von Zemo. “If Lyle has mastered the Hooded Hood’s Portal…†Then she noticed a warning light flashing behind the Minion’s concealing bulk. “Get out of the way, idiot. There’s something else happening! It looks like the chasm is becoming active. I mean genuinely active. The Void Scholar’s trying a double cross.â€Â
The Minion regarded the readings. “Ooh, yes, madam. Looks as if he’s activating the dimensional transfer network he established back in time before the Earth’s mantle cooled to solidity and the final moment of his triumph is nigh.â€Â
The Baroness shook her head. “I think not. This is my world to play with, not some next-generation Wang the Conqueror.†Her hands ranged over the zeppelin’s arsenal. “I think that the Void Scholar should have recognised the dangers of trying to manipulate Baroness von Zemo.â€Â
Her hands wavered as the controls became blurry.
“I believe he did, ma’am,†answered the Minion. “That is why I took the liberty of placing copious amounts of tranquillisers in the seven cream horns you consumed earlier. I do apologise-ise-ise.â€Â
Beth von Zemo was unconscious before the meteor even hit the arctic wastes.
***
Suddenly Onslaughter arrived.
The space debris entered Earth’s atmospheric envelope over Africa, descending at a thousand miles a minute, sending meteor warning stations across the planet into a frenzy of panicked e-mails justifying their budgets. It should have impacted over Korea, but instead shifted trajectory and headed for higher latitudes, navigating with awful intent towards the polar icecap.
Onslaughter had escaped from the Safe four weeks earlier. Danny Lyle had used the Portal of Pretentiousness to shift the alien killing machine into the sun. Now Onslaughter was back, protecting himself from a similar gambit transporting him again, ready to wipe out all life on Earth, intending to begin with the Juniors.
His impact made Kerry’s volcanic detonation seem minor, shattering the crust of the planet, changing the geology and geography for a thousand miles around. Beijing recorded the tremor at 3.9. The battle between heroes and Purveyors was peremptorily stopped by the clouds of debris and the shockwave of contact, sweeping nearly all the combatants away, scattered, most of them down.
Onslaughter reached out psionically and closed off the minds of those that had managed to endure his arrival; all except for the ones he wanted to kill the most. Anvil Man resisted too, but nobody was paying Brendan MacGillicuddy to take on an unstoppable foe that had once ploughed through half of Canada shaking off nuclear intervention. He cut his losses and trekked off south as hard as he could. Chiaki and Citizen Z resisted his assault for almost ten seconds before they too crumpled. Citizen Z dissolved.
Kerry, Fashion Accessory, Ham-Boy, and Harlagaz looked out over the devastated ice-plane and saw Onslaughter moving towards them.
“This is the guy you battled in Paradopolis, right?†HB swallowed. “The one the whole Legion could barely handle?â€Â
“That’s him,†agreed Kerry, finding that Onslaughter had shielded himself from pyrokinetic assault.
“Couldn’t we be the Lair Legion tomorrow, Kare?†FA asked nervously. “Because this is, you know, death.â€Â
“Tis a right glorious death for the nonce,†Harlagaz told her. “And also, there art some times when… when the line must hold.â€Â
“And we’re the line,†answered Kerry. “Danny Lyle, are you part of the line as well, or what?â€Â
Danny stepped through the Portal of Pretentiousness to join the others. “I’m a villain,†he pointed out.
“Are you on the line or not?†insisted Kerry, holding out her hand.
Vinnie de Soth slipped through the mirror and discretely took a place at the every far end of the little row.
“Not,†answered Danny. “But if you are I’ve gotta stand next to you.â€Â
“Workeths for me,†said Gaz. “Here comes Onslaughter.â€Â
***
Suddenly, the Carnifex arrived.
“Asil, listen,†Urthula Underess tried to calm the distraught young Lisa-clone. “There’s no point rushing off to search the whole of the Arctic for Kerry and the others. It could be a simple communications failure.â€Â
“But it probably isn’t,†admitted alien researcher Dr Blargelslarch. “Has anyone seen the Chaosis Infernium? I swear I left it right here on the desk.
“It crawled somewhere over there,†the Abyssal Greye noted absently. “Are we nearly ready to connect these sundered runes and link the past and present lighthouses like the instructions said?â€Â
“We’re getting there,†admitted Asil, “but I’m worried about the Juniors.â€Â
There was a knock at the door.
The guests in Visionary’s lighthouse glanced at each other. “Are we in Willingham or where Parody Island was right now?†asked Urthula worriedly.
“Parody Island,†answered Greye. “With no way for mundane visitors to reach the door.â€Â
Asil went to the entranceway and looked outside.
“Hello there,†smiled the Carnifex. “I was in the neighbourhood.â€Â
“Oh Mark!†gasped Asil, hugging the world’s greatest superhero. “Are we glad to see you! Any word on the Lair Legion?â€Â
“Don’t give up hope on them, honey,†the Carnifex told the girl, chucking her under the chin. “I know you’re working night and day on the problem, and I promise you I’m looking pretty closely myself.â€Â
“The Juniors have dropped out of contact too,†Asil told him urgently. “They’d hardly dealt with an attack from Wyrmfood and Dr Loveray when the warning alarms went off at that pit in the arctic.â€Â
“They survived Wyrmfood and Dr Loveray?†the Carnifex noted. “Impressive.â€Â
“And they discovered a name,†Dr Blargelslarch added. “Have you ever heard of a Void Scholar?â€Â
The Carnifex shrugged. “Well, you know I’m new round here. People tell me all kinds of things. So who’s this Scholar?â€Â
“He’s the perpetrator of the disappearance of the Lair Legion,†the Abyssal Greye explained. “His motives remain obscure.â€Â
“So you’re finding things out,†observed the Carnifex. “That’s interesting too. Keep me informed.â€Â
“Can you go and check on the Juniors?†Asil requested anxiously. “Please, Mark?â€Â
“Well, I’ve got a couple of galactic crises to deal with first but I’ll see to them as soon as I can, I promise. In the meantime, what I actually called for: do you have a mobile phone number for Zvesti Zdrugo?â€Â
***
Suddenly, the Void Scholar appeared.
The Void Scholar stood in his pagoda and stared into the void. The void stared back into him.
“No,†he murmured to himself, making notes in one of his close-scribbled legers. “No that won’t do at all. That young man is supposed to be shattered, ready to take comfort in Liu Xi Xian. If the girl is unable to do what I require then their child will be needed.â€Â
He stirred his hand in a bowl of darkness, rearranging history to suit his needs. A black column of ancient stone engraved in the same way as the chasms on Earth glowed constantly now.
“I think this time that Shepherdson should die,†the Void Scholar decided. He watched from afar as the Juniors faced off against an enemy far beyond them, pleased that he’d added Vincent De Soth to their number to perish in the conflict. He made the necessary arrangements to move Fashion Accessory’s corpse to his workshop where he could revive her in a more pliant reincarnation.
In the Arctic, Harlagaz and Ham-Boy were hammered down like puppets. Razor arm-ridges sent Vinnie de Soth backwards in a spray of blood. Kerry and Danny were each gripped in a massive hand of the giant alien destroyer, their own powers scrambled uselessly by Onslaughter’s psionic assaults. FA struggled in vain to transmute Onslaughter’s impervious shell. Scattered around the battle for miles were the last fallen heroes of Earth, ready for murder.
USAction slammed into Onslaughter quarterback style, ignoring the damage from chest-ridges that could cut through diamond. “You let those kids go!†he wheezed, disregarding his wounds and seeking the alien’s pressure points. Komodo seared Onslaughter’s other arm, but nuclear fire failed to even raise a blister on the killing machine.
“What’s this?†the Void Scholar mused. “How did these interferences avoid the creature’s blanket psionics?†Then he spotted the third new combatant. “Ah, the one with probability echoes,†he realised. “She shielded them.â€Â
Onslaughter slammed his fist through Komodo then turned to finish the others.
“They died as heroes,†sighed the Void Scholar. “What losers.â€Â
Onslaughter turned his attention back to where Danny Lyle was trying to crawl over to Kerry. Harlagaz was struggling to rise but his legs wouldn’t obey him. The churned snow around them was blood red.
The Void Scholar was distracted from watching the death scene by another event much closer to home. He smiled indulgently. In their distant bower the recovering Danny Lyle was kissing Liu Xi Xian.
And then his glowing column surged with energy and his whole garden was suddenly lit by an actinic lighthouse flash.
On Earth Onslaughter was propelled away from the Juniors by a telekinetically-hurled clod of earth the size of a house.
“You step away from those kids, villain†ordered Hatman. “They’re Lair Legion!â€Â
***
Suddenly, the… well you’ve probably guessed this one by now.
The skies across the planet were washed with light for a moment. Entering the solar system, the Trading Alliance starship captained by Shen Rae picked up the dimensional signature.
Lara Night recognised the energy too. “Well,†she noted, “looks like you might be able to have a word with Sir Mumphrey Wilton after all.â€Â
The slowly-regrowing conceptual realm has so far slowly regrown a pool, sauna, and poolside bar thanks to the new Destroyer of Tales. Lisa L Waltz sipped a mai tai and nodded. “Now that’s what I call a plot closure,†she admitted. “Extra points for lighthouse use to reverse the dimensional shift.â€Â
“But you are still to be helping of cute people in Land That Common Sense Is To Be Forgetting?†Yo asked his/her old team-mate anxiously. “Yo is to be needing special exception to usual Happy Place rules to be saving of everybody.â€Â
“I couldn’t possibly break the rules,†Lisa answered with a twinkle in her eye.
Nearby her smelly ginger cat dragged a hedgehog of time under a locker to eat it quietly.
At the crossroads in Sixways the EEE Firehouse suddenly reappeared, scattering debris and souvenir-hunters alike as it groaned home with a heavy vworping sound. Inside Miss Framlicker urgently hammered her console to find out if the other transfers had taken.
Out over Paradopolis Sound there was a heavy whump as the massive volume of the battered SPUD helicarrier dropped back into existence. An unfortunate mugger holding up a dockside tourist directly beneath it soiled his pants.
The broken bridge from Paradopolis’ east shore was suddenly complete once more as Parody Island filled up the gap between bridge’s end and the rocky outcrop of Visionary’s lighthouse. The Lair Mansion lit up as Hallie networked back into the world’s data systems and reported for duty.
“No!†screamed the Void Scholar. “No no no no no!â€Â
“Grandfather, what’s wrong?†asked Liu Xi Xian. She was shyly holding Danny’s hand.
“Problem?†asked Denial curiously.
“Nothing I cannot handle,†the Scholar assured them. “Run along, children.â€Â
And in the Arctic circle, beside the charred entrance to the great stone chasm, Onslaughter looked up into the face of someone he wanted to kill just as much as he wanted to destroy the Juniors. “Hatman!â€Â
“Yeah, but this time he’s not alone!†CrazySugarFreakBoy! pointed out. “This time you’re not taking on brave kids or lone heroes. So bring it on, chunky, cause it’s clobberin’ time!â€Â
Onslaughter’s movements seemed slow and jerky, as if time itself was working against him. He wondered by what means the Legion had known to find him in time, by what mechanism they’d appeared here.
Al B. Harper dodged down to drag Salieri Meng from the battlefield. Dancer jumped up to somehow overbalance the alien killing machine back into a sling made from Silicone Sally, setting up a savage shaking from Glory then a telekinetic punch from Nats.
“Hey!†Killer Shrike objected. “That’s freaking Onslaughter! If I whack him there better be a bonus!â€Â
Hatman thumped Onslaughter using his Donar helmet, striking chips of bone from the monster’s face. The Librarian pumped volumes of Russian poetry straight into the marauder's brain, confusing his telepathis abilities.
Onslaughter reached out to psychically attack his opponents, to disrupt their strategies. A huge wad of translucent gel plastered over him, suppressing his mental assaults. “Ah, it is good to be able to spread out again!†bubbled the Manga Shoggoth ecstatically. “But why do all psionics have to get so upset when they try to project their thoughts into my mind? It’s not as if I’m not letting them?â€Â
Champagne grabbed Visionary by the hand and dragged him away from the fight. “You’re the most experienced person in big-scale weirdness,†she told him. “What do you make of the glowing lines all down this big pit?â€Â
“I’d have to say it’s not good,†judged Vizh sagely. “But if you’ll excuse me I’ve got as class to drag from the combat zone.â€Â
“I’m with you,†promised Grace O’Mercy, running to where Princess Uhuna was already treating Ham-Boy and Gaz.
“Which raises the question as to why I’m with you,†objected Amber St Clare, ducking debris from where Onslaughter, CSFB!, Hatman, Nats, Yuki, Sally, and Glory were tussling.
Sir Mumphrey swung his pocketwatch at the villain searing time through Onslaughter’s face, cracking the carapace with a million years of sudden decay. The Shoggoth oozed inwards through the cracks. Nats hammered the sheared-off ridges back into Onslaughter’s eyes. Hatman switched to a floppy Yo-hat and stabbed a blade right through the marauder’s chest. Dancer somehow caught Onslaughter just right, bending his limb so that Yuki could improbably snap his arm.
“He’s not able to heal up.†Danny Lyle looked up from the floor, his eyes glowing greenly. “He’s not able to stand the pain.â€Â
Kerry staggered beside him. “Or the heat,†she hissed, pressing her power internally. Then Onslaughter hissed.
Sir Mumphrey stopped random blood vessels throughout the monster working. Nats prevented neurons firing. CSFB! overwhelmed his senses with light and sound. Hatman discharged the power of a sun into Onslaughter’s exposed central nervous system. Harlagaz landed the haymaker.
The alien killing machine fell onto the broken snow, comatose, defeated.
Silence returned to the arctic. The glowing patterns on the chasm walls dulled and turned black. The chasms themselves, their purpose served, began to slowly crumble.
“Where the hell have you been?†Kerry demanded of Visionary. “What kind of time do you call this?â€Â
***
Epilogue 1: Suddenly Bad News Herb appeared.
“They’re back for real, Mr President,†Herbert P. Garrick assured his Commander in Chief. “We’ve already restaffed the SPUD carrier and they’ve carried out the tests to check that none of the Lair Legion’s been replaced by those Space Fandoms. That Hatman from before was a Purveyors fake, but this is the genuine article. We’ve got most of the Purveyors in custody and the Baroness is back in the Safe. Sir Mumphrey Wilton escorted her himself. I know it’s been a bad time, sir, but I think we’re getting this thing under control.â€Â
He paused. “Sir, I want to commend the actions of three officers who died today in the line of duty. Captain Jordan Wang, Lt. Ginny Taylor, and Master Sergeant Baxter Thompson. I know they were clones in false identities, but they served in combat as U.S. officers and they died with honour. I want the Congressional Medal for them. I’ll be sending a report.â€Â
He listened to some words down the phone and nodded. “A hell of a few weeks, sir. You’ll have my preliminary report in the morning. Good Mr President. Thank you.â€Â
“And thank you,†said the President, putting down the phone. “Thank you very much, Mr Garrick-ick-ick.â€Â
***
Epilogue 2: Suddenly Doorman Appeared.
Fashion Accessory passed through the door to her walk-in wardrobe and found herself somewhere quite different. “Hey, what’s this?â€Â
“This?†Doorman smirked at the shocked Junior, “This would be your own private love palace, just you and the Void Scholar, where you’re gonna give him all the babies he wants for his ultra-icky generational breeding plan.
FA looked puzzled. “Jay?â€Â
“Oh, if only I could capitalise on that crush of yours,†mourned Doorman. “But I guess the Void Scholar’s reserving that fun for himself. Anyhow, hope you enjoy your new home. It’s a lot ritzier than where I’ve sent your pals.â€Â
“Kare? HB? What have you done to them?â€Â
Doorman chuckled. “I’ve gotten them out, darling. Gotten them off Earth before the Lair Legion work out just what those big pits have actually done, just what the Void Scholar’s plan has been all about.â€Â
FA was scared but professional enough to ask the right questions. “And what has he done?â€Â
“He’s taken humans from Earth and replaced them with Space Fandoms,†answered Doorman.
“So? The Legion can track them down. Al B’s clever. Hallie’s clever. Even that little Meng menace is clever.â€Â
Doorman waggled his finger. “Ah ah. You’re not understanding me. The Void Scholar’s taken all humans from Earth and replaced all of them with Space Fandoms. Six billion of them. Anyone who wasn’t around at your little Arctic fracas or in some protected place like the Lair Mansion or that Lighthouse, everyone’s been swapped. So the whole world is now literally a big trap for your precious heroes.†He chuckled. “I can’t wait.â€Â
***
Epilogue 3: Suddenly, Citizen Z appeared.
Citizen Z rematerialised, disoriented and exhausted. “Ouch,†she complained, pulling off her mask. “Projecting past these walls takes a lot of effort anyway, even without getting psionically zapped by an alien meatwall.â€Â
“But you did your job,†her patron noted. “You saved the children – at the cost of those unfortunates from the FMRC programme. You thwarted your sworn adversary the Baroness, throwing her ambitions into the gutter. You made the one tiny change that cast all the Void Scholar’s plans into the hazard, where his lack of understanding of Liu Xi Xian and Danny Lyle could cost him everything. I’d say that was worth a headache.â€Â
“I’m sure you would,†agreed CV. She was transparent now, unable to draw enough ectoplasmic energy to maintain a solid thoughtform. “But then you’re too scary for words. I’m an amnesiac ghost and you scare me.â€Â
“You have nothing to fear from me,†her patron promised. “I have empowered you in payment of a great debt and I shall not harm you. Recover your strength, Amnesia, until it is time for you to appear to the world once more.â€Â
“And you?†wondered the ghost of Herringcarp Asylum, glancing at the shadows. “When will you come from hiding to face the Void Scholar and the Carnifex?â€Â
Suddenly, the Hooded Hood appeared. “In my time,†replied the cowled crime czar, with a thin archvillainous smile.
***
Next Issue: We’ve done World with Heroes, now it’s World Without Anyone But Heroes as the Legion discovers exactly what the Void Scholar has done to everyone else, and has to literally take on the rest of the planet. Out final Saving the Future arc commences with: Invasion of the Booty Snatchers, coming soon.
***
Spoilers for those planning other chapters (Highlight to read)
First off, this chapter perforce had to cover a lot of events and cast in a very concentrated way. There's plenty of scope for posters to amplify what their characters were doing and how they contributed to things in a rather more detailed way.
We’re moving to the closing act of our storyline, and here’s how I think it goes:
Over the next 24 hours, separately or together the LL will find that almost everyone they know has been replaced by a Space Fandom and intends to kill them. There’s some mileage for a bit of tension and drama first, since the Fandoms know and can do pretty much anything a relative or loved one can.
The Juniors will also be replaced by Space Fandoms, with Kerry, Gaz, FA, HB, Danny, and Vinnie all being snatched.
By the end of Saving the Future #25 the Space Fandoms will be gone, and the Earth’s human population will be down to less than 50 (our current cast). Then it’ll be time for the heroes to go after the Void Scholar and so to our finale. I’m estimating the story’s good for three more main chapters, but I’ve been wrong on this stuff before. Still, it could offer us a nice 10th anniversary climax.
***
Previous Chapters:
#1: “And just when did Danny find time to take over the Parodyverse?†by Dancer
#2: "Sometime you have to turn flammable again!" by Visionary
#3: That’s the Way the Story Goes by the Hooded Hood
#4: See No Evil by the Hooded Hood
#5: Whodunnit by the Hooded Hood, Visionary, Killer Shrike, and Jason
#6: Suspicious Behaviour by the Hooded Hood, Jason, Hatman, and CrazySugarFreakBoy!
#7: Accusation and Denial by the Hooded Hood, JJJ, Jason and L!
#8: The Final Solution by the Hooded Hood and Dancer
#9: The Land That Common Sense Forgot by the Hooded Hood
#9.1: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#9.2: Chad and Ronnie by L!
#9.3: “In addition to cappuccino and personal hygiene these tribespeople have not yet invented underwear.†by Dancer
#9.4: Lone Lost Boy & Heroines Hanging Together by CrazySugarFreakBoy!
#9.5: From Dross into Gold by Killer Shrike
#9.6: Old Friends and New Allies by Visionary
#9.7: Taking a Swim by L!
#9.8: A Post-Swim Chat by L!
#9.9: Champagne and the Land That Common Sense Forgot by Champagne
#10: The Age of Villains by the Hooded Hood
#10.1: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#10.2: The Baroness #55 by JJJ
#10.3: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#10.4: Ewe Gotta Have Hart 1 by Killer Shrike
#10.5: Ewe Gotta Have Hart 2 by Killer Shrike
#11: An Age Undreamed Of by the Hooded Hood
#12: The New Lair Legions (And Other Heroes) by the Hooded Hood
#12.1: I Hate You by Visionary
#12.2: Champagne and the Tower of Laments by Champagne
#12.3: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#12.4: The Hearing by Visionary
#12.5: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#13: Exploring the Forbidden Valley, or Samantha Featherstone and the Crystal Goddess by the Hooded Hood
#14: Real Heroes by the Hooded Hood
#14.1: “I’d like to be clear that I’m a no-skewer zone, and have been since college.†by Dancer
#14.2: Catherine & the Danger Zone by L!
#14.3: “Do you know how much shaving I had to do to put this thing on?†by Visionary
#14.4: “Well we can’t just wait here till we find a use for Visionary. We’ll starve to death.†by Dancer
#15: Change and Decay by the Hooded Hood
#15.1: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#15.2: Hazardous Chemicals by Killer Shrike
#16: One Moment In Time by the Hooded Hood
#17: Slaves of the Brain Eaters, Thralls of the Blood-Drinkers by the Hooded Hood
#18: Now Get Out Of That by the Hooded Hood
#18.1: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#18.2: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#18.3 Crossing Lines by CrazySugarFreakBoy!
#18.4 Shooting You With My Smile by CrazySugarFreakBoy!
#18.5: Funeral For a Friend by L!
#18.6: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#18.7 Playing Both Ends by CrazySugarFreakBoy!
#18.8: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#18.9: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#18.10: Valued Employee by Visionary
#19: Probable Cause by the Hooded Hood
#20: Good Intentions by the Hooded Hood
#20.1: Very Special Guest Star by Hatman
#21: Points of View by the Hooded Hood
#22: Plot Points by the Hooded Hood
#22.1: Potholes In Memory Lane by Visionary
#22.2: Dancer’s Saving the Future Amnesiac Hallie Tie-in Special: “I’m pretty sure there’s two tongues involved in that. That is serious stunt kissing.†by Dancer
#22.3: Amnesiac Hallie Tie-in Special #2: "Don't get me started on how recursive the title and storyline is getting". by the Manga Shoggoth
#22.4: Bridging the Gap by Jason
#22.5: Oh That Joey Z! parts 1-3 by Spaztic Child, the Hooded Hood, and Visionary
#22.6: Oh That Joey Z! part 4 by L!
#22.7: Oh That Joey Z! part 5 by the Hooded Hood
#23: Don’t Give Up Now, It’s the Blockbuster Summer Action Episode by the Hooded Hood
***
Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2008 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2008 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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I like the nesting descriptions of the placements of the Void, the Parodyverse and the Void Scholar's home.
I'm also a bit confused on Danny's timeline, since things seem to be happening to him simultaneously in the "past" and the "present," with the Void Scholar acting as though Danny's "past" is still running concurrent to the Void Scholar's "present." I'm willing to gloss over that because Time Moves Strangely in the Void Scholar's home, and also because one of the Dannys might not be Danny.
So, we got the explanation for the lighthouse's origins, and I can accept linking its past and present "selves" to bring the Comic Book Limbo inhabitants into our world, but did we figure out how the stitched-together lands of the Land that Common Sense Forgot got stitched together, or what the origins of the stitch-gates (or the craters) actually were (beyond just being impossibly old)? This is becoming a bit like Battlestar Galactica, in that there have been so many extended mysteries that I'm starting to lose track of which ones have been solved and which ones haven't yet. 
Good to see some of the extended non-Legion, non-core-Juniors cast making an appearance again. The Ausgardian gun was an unexpected Chekhov's gun, and Denial's bluff toward his friends would leave Dream torn, because while it was cold as hell of him to leave Kerry twisting emotionally like that, it was also an excellent lie, and we know how Dream feels about lying.
Good to see the FMRC went out like heroes, and good for Garrick for actually being a human being and wanting them to be recognized. That's twice in a row, counting his shooting of Cromlyn, that I've approved of his actions.
Ha ha, Beth is a dumbass. Spaced Fandom or not, I can't imagine trusting anyone named "the Minion," because in genre fiction, that's like naming yourself "Obsequious Toady Who Will Stab You in the Back."
Who knew Onslaughter could actually simplify a fight, by reducing the number of active combatants left for the Legion and Juniors to take care of?
The "Vworp" sound effect is probably one that not even a lot of American Whovians are going to get.
So, it really is us against the whole world, then? Heh.
And have the Hood and Dream met since Dream's marriage? Because I don't think they have, and much later on, it would be awesome for them to have a catch-up scene. Dream is a very different guy from who he was when the Hood first met him, and the loves of Dream's life might not get his lingering fondness for the Hood. April, in particular, has never had an affectionate "best friend enemy" relationship with any of her foes, so I'd imagine it might mystify her, whereas Bettie would recognize that sort of relationship too well, and see a certain pirate captain in the Hood, and I suspect the Hood might be drawn to her in turn ...
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