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Meanwhile, in the cheap seats... from the Hooded Hood
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CrazySugarFreakBoy!

Member Since: Sun Jan 04, 2004
Posts: 1,235
Subj: The Moderator Saga #10: With His Hands Behind His Back
Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 at 05:36:19 pm EST (Viewed 4 times)
Reply Subj: The Moderator Saga: “Let’s Be Bad Guys”
Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 at 09:28:03 pm EST (Viewed 587 times)

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The Moderator Saga: “Let’s Be Bad Guys”

“Well, if it ain’t The Moderator’s CalmSereneFlunkyBoy… himself,” Simon Maddicks growled, “except it looks like you amped up your wardrobe, from beige to flaming.”

“That’s CrazySugarFreakBoy! to you, asshole,” Dreamcatcher Kokopelli Foxglove corrected, “but, yeah, I guess you could say that … then again, I’ve never seen a dude sporting a blonde topknot anywhere outside of a gay pride parade before, so I suppose we’re even.”

“Since the next words outta your mouth are gonna be your last,” Killer Shrike raised his forearm blades, “I’d suggest you make ‘em count.”

“Word ‘round the campfire is that you’re recruiting black hats to take down The Moderator’s New Lair Legion,” Dream withdrew a Rocket Fuel Soda Pop from his Black Hole Backpack, and took a swig before continuing, “so I decided to join up.”

“You?” Simon chuckled. “The Moderator’s most loyal little toady? The picture-perfect poster boy for the New Lair Legion? A simpering suck-up like you wants to stab his own boss in the back? Yeah, I call bullshit.”

“I would, too,” Dream nodded, “but I’m a different guy, from a different place … alternate timeline, parallel universe, whatever you want to call it. My memories of what it was like, and who I was like, kind of fade in and out, like a pirate radio signal … but I’m pretty sure I was on the other side of the law, so here I am.”

“Well, ain’t you a cowboy,” Simon grinned. “And what makes you think you’re a bad guy?”

“I don’t think I like this … New Lair Legion,” Dream shook his head, “and I’m good and goddamn sure I don’t care for The Moderator. I can’t stand the … order that they represent,” he spat the word out as though it left a sour taste on his tongue.

“And I’m supposed to buy off on this?” Simon challenged, looming over him.

“Yeah, actually, you are,” Dream countered, looking up at him, “because if I was lying to you, it’d be one hell of a lot more believable.”

Simon burst into laughter. “You got a brass pair, I’ll give you that,” he approved, “but I need to know what you think is in this for you, and what you can guarantee will be in it for me.”

“I couldn’t care less about money or power,” Dream shrugged, “I just want revenge. When the time comes, all I need is for you and your gang to give me a clear shot at The Moderator.”

“And in return?” Simon insisted upon making the terms of their agreement explicit.

Dream flashed a sharply sinister smile. “Well … wouldn’t it be unfortunate, for the New Lair Legion, if one of their most trusted former members revealed as many of their most damaging vulnerabilities as he had access to, to those who could make the most of such secrets?”

The Moderator Saga #10: With His Hands Behind His Back

Previously:
The Moderator Saga #1 by Hatman
The Moderator Saga #2: Minions for the Moderator by Killer Shrike
The Moderator Saga #3: Captured is the Carpathian! by the Hooded Hood
The Moderator Saga #4: Interview With the Archvillain by the Hooded Hood
The Moderator Saga #5: Lord and Master of All He Surveyed by various posters
The Moderator Saga #6: Mouse and Ming by Hatman
The Moderator Saga, oh let’s say #7 by Killer Shrike
The Moderator Saga #8: One More Day by CrazySugarFreakBoy!
The Moderator Saga #9: Let’s Be Bad Guys by CrazySugarFreakBoy!

***


    The foot-thick steel door of the secure cell wheeled back into the wall with a grinding sound. The Superlative Simulacrum altered his hand into a torch and shone a bright beam on the captive chained to the wall. Words formed across the etch-a-sketch board that formed the android’s face as he twiddled his nipple-knobs: /You will behave appropriately when Miss Link comes into the room/

    Flapjack snickered. The sound echoed around the prison as if he’d been practicing for weeks. “How can I welcome her appropriately when my hands are chained behind my back?” he argued. “I can’t even reach my pants.”

    /YOU WILL SHOW MISS LINK PROPER RESPECT!!!/ the Simulacrum wrote in big angry letters, taking a step forward before it controlled its rage.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hey, that’s why I wear tight-fitting hose,” smirked the imprisoned hunchback. “With runs in them.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Don’t let him wind you up, Simmy,” the Link advised as she brought Flapjack’s food through the entrance door. “He’s deliberately trying to get a rise out of you.”

    Flapjack leered again. He was able to radiate offensiveness right across the room. Cath Katz shifted uneasily and suddenly wanted a shower.

    /You will thank Miss Link for the food/ ordered the Simulacrum.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’d love to,” Flapjack answered, “but with my hands chained behind me…”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Stop it, you horrid man!” the Link blushed. “Why must you always be so… you?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m the horrid one?” Flapjack objected. “Which of us has which of us chained up in the dungeon, exactly? Not that I’d call this a proper dungeon. There’s a shocking lack of rats and spiders, and there’s not even been any decent torture yet.”

    /I have been making daily recommendations to the Moderator/ the Simulacrum assured him. /He has been very busy ruling the world/

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“We’re not the bad guys,” the Link argued with the hunchback. “We’re making the world a better place.”

    Flapjack chuckled. “Sure. You asked around and the whole world voted for you to delete everything that didn’t suit your plans and take over, right? Or maybe I missed that part?”

    /The Moderator knows what is best for people/ the Simulacrum insisted. /People need strong leadership/

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“We had to take radical action,” admitted the Link, “but it was all for a good cause.”

    Flapjack opened his mouth for her to spoon some of the porridge into it. He somehow managed to make licking the spoon a very repugnant act. “It’s not working out quite how you expected though, is it, sweetheart?” he demanded.

    /Miss Link is not your sweetheart. She is an independent young woman who does not require a man to complete her as a person/

    Flapjack amped his smirk up a notch. Cath Katz amped her blush up a notch too.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s working just fine,” she insisted, flinching as she passed the prisoner another spoonful. “The Moderator will soon have everything under control and…”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“So he’s not got everything under control right now,” Flapjack deduced. “I thought not.”

    /The Moderator is a very busy man/ argued the Simulacrum. /He cannot spare time to track down and delete every miserable ungrateful rebel who…/

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“So there’s a rebellion as well,” whistled Flapjack. “Heh. I thought so.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Thought so?” the Link puzzled. “What do you mean, you thought so?”

    Flapjack slurped down another spoonful then licked his lips. And his nose. “I should’ve had more faith in the boss,” the hunchback replied. “The Hooded Hood’s stitched you all good and proper.”

    /The Hooded Hood is dead/ insisted the Superlative Simulacrum.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“C’yeah. And he gave your moderator everything he wanted. And that’s how he beat you.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“That doesn’t make any sense at all,” the Link frowned.

    Flapjack explained. “Taking over this planet don’t come easy. The Parodyverse is complicated. More complicated than folks realise. There’s hundreds of secrets and power bases and plotlines, and world takeovers cut across loads of them. And even if you do take over, making things run after that is harder still. Ask Beth von Zemo.”

    /I think the Moderator had her made into a stuffed sofa/ ventured the Simulacrum.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s hard enough getting it done when you take over the world fair and square. At least the planning that gets you to that place prepares you a little for what comes next. But the Hood, he retconned you right there at the end of the story without you having any chance to go through the middle bits. He’s dropped you in primetime before you were even ready to be a supporting act. He’s set you up and painted big red targets on your butts – cute as some of them are.”

    /There is nothing painted on Miss Link’s butt/ objected the Simulacrum. /Not that I have been checking. That is not what I mean/

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re saying we’ve been set up to fail?” worried the Link.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Let me guess,” mused Flapjack. “It’s what, Tuesday? I’m guessing by now that CrazySugarFreakBoy! will have gone ape and broken programming. The Hood always likes to shake him up and point him at someone. You won’t have found the Manga Shoggoth, of if you have then someone’s going to be setting him loose any time now. And then… well, it’s anybody’s bet whether someone puts Hatty’s generic hero hat on him, or whether Vizh gets fed up of people being treated like toys, or whether Mumphrey wakes up from reading his cricket scores, or whether Donar drops in for a visit, or… well any number of really bad things, really.”

    /Everything is under control/ proclaimed the Simulacrum in bold, firm letters.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Even Linkie’s lust for me?” Flapjack chuckled. “You know she’ll be creeping back down here one of these nights for a little bit of hunching.”

    /MISS LINK DOES NOT NEED HUNCHING. Not now or ever!!! You will not attempt to hunch Miss Link!!!/

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“What? I…” Cath Katz was almost speechless, but now she wasn’t even sure which of the two to scream at first.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Are you saying you won’t allow it?” Flapjack asked the Simulacrum slyly.

    /I will not allow it! Miss Link is not the kind of person who… hunches… with people. Or you/

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Stop it!” shouted the Link. “I’ll hunch who I like! I mean, hump. No, that’s not what I mean. And I don’t mean that I go out and… I don’t go and hunch. I’m not a hunching type of girl. I mean I…. ooh! Men!” And she teleported out in a golden flash.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Ooh, looks like you upset her,” Flapjack told the Simulacrum.

    /I am going to recommend your dissection/ the android told the prisoner. He stormed out of the cell to find Cath Katz and slammed the door.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Heh,” chortled Flapjack. He dropped the spoon from his mouth onto the floor and shuffled so he could get it in his hands. He reckoned it would take him the best part of an hour to pick his cuffs using a piece of cutlery.

    Then he needed to find CSFB! and the resistance and show them the back way into the Lair Tower.

    Then he needed to find the Link’s underwear drawer.

***


Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2008 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2008 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.






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