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#322: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Ever After - Part Four
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***
Things began to happen fast.
***
“I’ve lost Vizh’s biosigns on his endurance harness,†Miss Framlicker reported urgently. “We need to reel him back in. Those bioharnesses are expensive.â€Â
Al B. grabbed a dramatically large lever and slammed it down. Sparks showered across the floor of the EEE firehouse. The hose-winding mechanism salvaged from the building’s former use began to reel in the monofilament cable that had been fed out through the temporary dimensional portal. Amy struggled to maintain the connection with ever spanner in her collection.
The cord came back quickly. The end had been neatly dissolved away.
“Do something,†Kerry Shepherdson demanded, absently twisting the sparks away from her to blister patterns across the wall. “Get me another of those harness thingies so I can go in there.â€Â
That would be unnecessary, the main biomass of the Shoggoth noted, rising from the seats where he had been flicking through magazines and dissolving the pictures he really liked to admire later. Visionary has just died.
“He what?!†demanded Al B.
My absent biomass, the one that was contaminated by mundane matter and was unable to rejoin with me, the one that joined your Lair Legion, has returned from oblivion and he has devoured Visionary. It was required.
“Well get it to sick him up!†shrieked Kerry Shepherson, reaching for Amy’s acetylene welding kit. “Get it to vomit Vizh up right now!â€Â
That is not possible, noted the Shoggoth. The loathsome elder beast twisted his bandaged her around to look with interest at the place where Kerry had burned a neat hole right through his protoplasm. My offshoot biomass has digested Visionary out of existence.
The red phone on Miss Framlicker’s desk suddenly began to buzz urgently.
She overcame her shock to pick up the emergency line. “Uh oh,†she reported. “Major break-out at the safe! Looks like they might be trying to free the doomwraith. Hallie needs us to whip up the transfer conduit we talked about, stat.â€Â
“That would be great if we’d finished it,†snapped Amy, “and greater if we didn’t have to shut down the machinery holding open the gate to wherever we sent Visionary to be eaten.â€Â
“What the hell is happening?†shouted Kerry. “Stay with the plot! This snotball just ate Visionary!â€Â
Technically I am not actually composed of nasal mucous membrane, the Shoggoth explained helpfully. Not am I yet reunited with my errant biomass. However, I am now sensing that his recent experience in diverting the destructive narrative energies of the Parody Master’s bomb has seared that contamination from my offshoot protoplasm. He is now clean and able to rejoin with his parent biomass.
“Yay for him,†snapped Amy. “Except for the whole eating Visionary thing. Do I pull the stop lever on this gate and rack up the other portal or what, Al?â€Â
“If you don’t then more Legionnaires will die,†noted Miss F.
“Vizh. Got. Eaten!†Kerry yelled. The kitchenette microwave exploded. For starters.
Al B. Harper was chewing hard on his bubble pipe. “We’re missing something here,†the archscientist muttered. “Shoggoth, what’s your lesser biomass doing right now?â€Â
He is speaking with Nyarlurkhotep the Damned, the Black Cancer at the Multiverse’s Core growled the Shoggoth.
Miss Framlicker rapped on her desk. “Hello? Major breakout of bad guys at the Safe. Possible Singularity Rider wiping out humanity threat. Think your mighty Shoggothship could get over there and stop it please?â€Â
I am neutral in your wars, the loathsome elder being replied. I have larger things to worry about just now than the fate of your human species.
“That does it,†Kerry fumed. “Pass me those transdimensional vortex coils and that hydrogen tank.â€Â
“No,†Al interrupted. “It’s okay. What the Shoggoth did makes perfect sense.†He slammed a hand down on the emergency cutoff button and the portal they’d been struggling to maintain collapsed and died. “Amy, set up the link that Hallie needs. We can leave the Vizh problem to the Shoggoth.â€Â
“He’s already fricking eaten him!†yelled the probability arsonist.
“Exactly. Not just eaten him but devoured him from existence. And think what happens when Vizh gets taken from existence. Remember that he’s somehow a cosmic placeholder to keep out somebody of reality.†Al saw comprehension dawn across his staff’s faces, then their winces. “Exactly,†the archscientist noted. “Vizh and the Shoggoth couldn’t face off against Nyarlurkhotep. I wonder how the Apostate will do?â€Â
***
Once there was a terrible man, a cult leader and master of destiny whose very word demanded obedience. He named himself the Apostate and he rose from humble origins dominating the Earth to become the unquestioned ruler of the Parodyverse.
Except that was not what was supposed to happen. The Triumvirate of greater cosmic office holders and the Family of the Pointless combined their power and skills to craft an alternative solution. They found a strange man whose very nature was in doubt, who could not be substantiated as either real or fake; or more accurately they found the possibility of such a man existing. The powers that be slotted this Visionary into the place in the narrative where the Apostate would exist, keeping their enemy from the Parodyverse as long as the possibly fake man remained there (alive or dead did not really matter).
On several occasions the Apostate had managed to find ways of temporarily coming into existence and had sought to take Visionary’s life. The most recent and potent such attempt had almost succeeded until Visionary’s wife Cheryl had ascended to become the Goddess of HTML to sear the Apostate again from reality at the cost of her own existence in the Parodyverse. Her actions had saved worlds from domination to the will of the Apostate, but had exiled him with the full might he had gathered up in his march across reality.
“I am returned!†proclaimed the Apostate, peering around from within his horned sacred helmet, surveying his new domain. “Worship me.â€Â
“As if,†snorted Nyarlurkhotep contemptuously. “A psionically magnified human twisting memes? You worship me.â€Â
The Shoggoth settled down to enjoy the show. He wished he’d brought popcorn.
***
Michael Papadapopolis looked up in relief as somebody came into the deserted Bean and Donut coffee bar. His relief froze on his face as he saw his father in the doorway.
“Papa,†he said, putting on a fake smile. “I can explain.â€Â
“Explain what?†the old one-armed man asked, advancing with an angry red face. “You explain why twenty-seven of my regulars are calling me up to complain, yes? To say my son is arrogant little shit who does not treat my staff good? To tell me you sack Sarah and everybody quit? Yes?â€Â
“I can do great things with this place, papa. Better things. I can build up a new clientele, a better crowd. I can… Owww!†Mr Papadapopolis’s walking cane had come down on his knuckles.
“I bring you up better than this, Micheal!†the old man raged. “I not bring you up to abuse young women and be greedy scumbag! I want to give this business I work for twenty-five years to make to you and your brothers and sisters. But business is not just building and equipment. Business is people, is customers and good staff and reputation.â€Â
“I…†Micheal tried to answer but he couldn’t face his father’s wrath.
“Sarah Shepherdson, she best waitress on planet. People, they come here for her, not for coffee. Coffee and donuts are excuse to sit and chat and be asked how they are and tell problems. Sarah good person, she like another daughter to me, like Obelia and Alethea and Desma and Chora and Helen and Dora and Ione and little Lydia.†Mr P shook a finger in Micheal’s face. “She better than my son.â€Â
“Papa, I…â€Â
“You be quiet now,†the old café owner told him. “You be quiet now for very long time. Your next words, they be saying sorry to Sarah for how you treated her. Sarah is good person, she will forgive you and she show you how to be washing dishes in that kitchen, because that what you going to be doing for very long time.†Mr Papadapolis caught his breath. “Maybe I ask Sarah to be manager of this place for me,†he considered. “She not so good at math but she somehow seems to make it all right at the bottom of the columns.â€Â
The door burst open again and a uniformed state trooper burst in. “Sirs, I’m going to have to ask you to come with me. We’re evacuating the city. There’s been a security breach at the Safe.â€Â
Mr Papadapopolis sat down on a chair by the counter. “Then I stay here,†he announced. “I not run when Parody Master come to my café, I not run now.â€Â
“Sir…†said the trooper.
“Papa…†warned Micheal.
“You call Don Graham,†Mr P told the officer. “You call Dan Drury. You tell them Bean and Donut is open for business in this crisis. Free coffees for all defenders of liberty. You tell them that from Spiro Papadapopolis.†He turned to Micheal. “My son, he will be doing the dishes.â€Â
***
Down the road, at one of the umbrella-shaded tables outside Franco’s Crêpery, an athletic young man looked over his Daily Trombone at the military policemen clearing the street. “Sorry, sir,†the officer told him, “but we’re evacuating the city. There’s a bus over there.â€Â
“Carry on,†the handsome stranger instructed the MP. “Don’t let me stop you.â€Â
“Sir, I have to ask you to move towards the evacuation vehicle.â€Â
The Carnifex reached out and scooped the MP’s guts from him then snapped his fingers and erased the officer from existence. “You really don’t,†he said to the place where the MP had been. “I’m enjoying my paper and I want to sit here a while longer. I want to see what happens.â€Â
He absently licked the gore from his fingers and went back to the editiorial.
***
Hatman still defended the doorway that led to Warden Fleetwood and Security Chief Flaherty but the odds were now so great that he knew he couldn’t last much longer. His steel form was scratched and gouged and the press was so great that he no longer had time to switch hats. The avawarriors just kept on coming.
Jay Boaz wondered if this was the time he died. He marvelled at how clear his thoughts were, for perhaps the first time since he’d been rescued from the Parody Master’s torture pits. He thought of Zdenka and Whitney and the Legion. He thought of his recent decision not to opt for a happy ending. He realised that he knew what he wanted.
Hatman stood his ground and fought to the last.
A baseball bat with a nail in it crackled down the corridor, spilling avawarriors to left and right, then returned to the hand of its master. “Ho, felons!†boomed Donar, smiting as he came, “Hast thou met mine weapon Mjalcolm? He art most eager to make acquaintance with thine brain-pans for the nonce.â€Â
“Donar,†grinned the battered capped crusader, suddenly filled with the joy of adventuring. “You gets all the best entrances.â€Â
“Hatman, o glorious leader!†boomed the Ausgardian, slamming aside enemies to join Jay by the door. “Let us smite evil together in fellowship. And then mayhap watch a rerun of yon fabled Xena, Warrior Princess.â€Â
“The Baroness got through to the Legion then?†Hatty checked.
“We interpreted the massive explosion as a call for back up,†Yuki Shiro called, sticking her head down from above the suspended ceiling where she’d been moving unseen by the enemy.
“Well detected,†approved Hatman.
“Twas good,†agreed Donar, preparing for the next avawarrior charge. “Now we hast enemies to thumpeth.â€Â
Yuki dropped down and unslung the tech pack from one shoulder and the unconscious avasoldier tech officer from the other. She began plugging both of them into the door lock that Hatty was protecting. “Just keep those guys off my cute backside,†she told Jay and Donar. “I’m just going to break through this unbreakable door, get inside the secure room, fix the self-destruct controls that have somehow been gremlined, then blow every single avawarrior in this place to tiny little pieces. Okay?â€Â
***
The avawarriors broke down the door to the commander’s office at Bareta Base and found Sir Mumphrey Wilton waiting for them. “Ah, there you are,†he said in clipped tones. “’Bout time. Where’s your commanding officer? Bring him to me right away.â€Â
***
M’Rak the Vicious stood over the fallen form of CrazySugarFreakBoy!, continuing to leach the almost inexhaustible energies from the wired wonder to leave him too weak to even rise. The Singularity Rider reached out for Warden Malley and slowly drained the life out of the man, ageing him to death until he tumbled in a scatter of dry powdery bones onto the floor.
All the time M’Rak was staring Dreamcatcher Foxglove in the eyes, enjoying the agony of helplessness he saw there as he slaughtered the innocent before their defender.
“Next the woman,†the doomwraith gloated. “And then the child.â€Â
CSFB! dredged up his will and tried to battle back. M’Rak devoured Dreamcatcher Foxglove’s renewed energy with an obvious satisfaction and gestured for the avawarriors to bring forward Sharon Cortiss. The worst part was the whimpering woman’s absolute acceptance of her death and damnation.
“Don’t…†CSFB! could hardly find the energy to speak.
“Sssshe is mine,†leered M’Rek. “You cannot ssstop me, hero.†He reached for the woman.
“Hey, spooky!†called Mr Epitome, “Pick on someone your own size!†The man of might powered in from above, slamming into M’Rek with a roundhouse left that sent the unprepared doomwraith back from the hostage. Glory went in and tore the arm off the avawarrior restraining Sharon.
The weakness debilitating CSFB! lessened, and he rolled over and spun his yo-yo cord round the neck of the guard holding little Dwayne.
The doomwraith wasn’t impressed. “Ssso ssstrong,†he mocked Dominic Clancy. “But for how long? I devour the ssstrong.†He reached out to drain all strength from the paragon of power.
Mr Epitome hit him again, feeling his fists tear through dead flesh and bone that was supposed to be insubstantial. “How about that?†he snarled. “Al B’s tech-geekery works. You can’t drain life from me, and I can hit you back.â€Â
CSFB! piled back into the remaining ava-troops. “Glory, get the hostages out. Epitome can hold off M’Rak and I’ll keep these bozos busy. Go!â€Â
“On it!†the mutt of might barked, and began shepherding the terrified mother and child from the combat zone.
M’Rak parried Epitome’s next punch and landed a searing slice of his own that cracked the hero’s collar bone and set him up for a devastating blow to the solar plexus. Epitome caught the second attack though and turned it into a toss that span the black-wreathed doomwraith across the room. “Not used to a fair fight, are you?†he demanded.
The Singularity Rider needed more power. He summoned the life out of every living thing within a thousand miles.
Too late he realised that Epitome had thrown him back inside that accursed cell, that prison designed to hold even the Chain Knight, master of locks and shackles, that prison that prevented projection of energies, transfer of necromancies. While Epitome blocked the doorway M’Rak could not kill others.
The doomwraith saw the harness now, a kind of dimensional transfer apparatus slung across the Earth defender’s torso. “A conduit,†M’Rak recognised. “An energy transssfer to the Queassssy Area of the Negativity Zone. You counter my negative energies with the forcssses there.â€Â
“That was how Harper explained it, yes,†Epitome agreed. “See, the thing you all-powerful bad guys never really get is that the rest of us have to learn and adapt. We get smarter. We get more prepared. Push us enough, we figure out a way to push back.†He parried another slash from the Singularity Rider and landed another satisfying blow in the villain’s face. “Like this.â€Â
“Fool. I ssstill posssessss the might of a whole world.â€Â
Mr Epitome gestured with his fingertips. “Bring it on.â€Â
***
“You’re not thinking clearly, Major Harrow,†Sir Mumphrey Wilton told the injured avawarrior leading the insurrection at Barreta base. “It’s not for me to tell you your job, of course, but you’re thinkin’ sloppily and that’ll get you killed.â€Â
“You are the leader of Earth’s defence forces,†accused Harrow, looking at the old man his troops had dragged to him. “You will command them to stand down and surrender.â€Â
“He’s not leading Earth any more,†Governor Rashamon told their captors. “He stepped down when he led us to victory. Now he’s just a civilian. In fact if you killed him right here and now there’d be some people in government who’d be pleased to hear it.â€Â
“Quite a few,†snorted Mumph. “Anyway, point is old chap, we’re not the valuable hostages you think we are. And you’re not askin’ the right questions at all.â€Â
Harrow scowled at him, his recovered avablade held near the old man’s throat. “And what are the right questions?â€Â
“Well, for starters, who set you loose? How did they come up with a sophisticated energy suppression field that stopped alarms and ray guys and the like but didn’t shut down the electrical activity in our brains? We used something similar against you in the Beijing campaign but we had to snaffle an Abhuman generator that was the size of a large house. So who’s doing this for you and how, hmm?â€Â
“Our brothers have been freed from the detainment installation near Gothametropolis,†Harrow announced. “They could have…â€Â
“Also mysteriously freed, I’ll wager,†the eccentric Englishman interrupted. “But putting aside the how and the whom for a moment, have a think about the why. What’s likely to happen now, d’you think?â€Â
“We shall free our remaining Earth forces, conquer and punish your planet, then begin to re-establish the Master’s empire for the day when he returns.â€Â
Sir Mumphrey snorted again. “He’s not returning, lad. I was there when he went down. It was for good. No, I’ll tell you what happens next. Earth’s governments learn that you’ve escaped. They’ll see that if you abandon your wounded and dying here at Bareta you’d certainly have a fair chance of conquering this world in conventional combat. So they’d only have one choice.â€Â
“The nuclear option,†Roslyn Rashamon shuddered. “One tactical nuke here. Another… another on Paradopolis and GMY.â€Â
“It’s not like we haven’t had to slaughter our own before to prevent worse later,†Sir Mumphrey said quietly, his face pale and grey for a moment. “But don’t think for a moment they’re not considering it right now.â€Â
Major Harrow evaluated the opinion. “Humans are weak,†he asserted, but uncertainly.
“We took down your Parody Blighter,†pointed out Sir Mumphrey Wilton.
***
“Where’s Garrick?†asked the President. “I need Garrick’s input on this.â€Â
“Mr Garrick is still recovering from his injuries,†Miss Peel told the CIC. “I’m fully briefed. The joint chiefs concur with the recommendation. There is no other way to prevent the march of the escaped ava-armies or the menace of the doomwraith. Nuclear is your only option.â€Â
***
The longest session of the IOL Board of Governors in living memory was coming to a close – and since some of the Governors lived for thousands of years that was a long session. But finally agreement was reached.
“So, Mr Bookman,†the Chairman of the Board asked wearily and through gritted teeth. “Do we have an accord.â€Â
The Librarian of the Lunar Public Library checked his list. “A new elected board, an enquiry led by Librarian Saxmunhdam into the actions of staff during the Parody War, a revised charter and operational parameters for the Auditors, and some new guidelines about public access and accountability,†he noted. “Yes, that covers almost everything.â€Â
“Almost?â€Â
Lee nodded. “I want to see the Senior Librarian again,†he insisted. “I’ll return the Grand Repository, but only to him.â€Â
“The Senior Librarian has been confined to the data stack since he helped you steal, er, rescue the Archive.â€Â
“And now he’s exonerated, so let me talk to him.â€Â
Auditor Blay-Kee was almost beside himself with fury. “You’re finished, Bookman! After this, you’re done. History. You’ll never be a Librarian again. Never!â€Â
“Of course I will,†Lee responded. “The Lunar Public Library declared independence, remember? Independent libraries have their own boards, elect their own Librarians.â€Â
“Independent libraries don’t have access to the IOL stack though,†Supervisor Garth gloated. “They can’t call upon the Great Archive.â€Â
“Then it’s a good thing I kept a copy of it all for back-up, isn’t it?†asked the Librarian. “The Senior Librarian. Now.â€Â
The Governors reluctantly undid the security seals so the Senior Librarian could manifest.
“Alone,†insisted Lee.
“This is the Governor’s Chamber,†someone objected.
“And when the new Board is elected they can have it back,†Lee replied. “You people are dismissed.â€Â
After the protesting former Governors had been herded out and the chamber was deserted except for Lee, the Senior Librarian appeared with a somewhat satisfied look on his face. “Very good, Mr Bookman,†he approved. “Never let the administrators get in the way of the actual service.â€Â
“I need to talk to you,†Lee said, cutting to the chase.
“About me manipulating you by authorising Blay-Kee’s persecution?†the ancient man asked. “Or forcing you to declare independence? Or dropping the Great Archive into your head?â€Â
“I’m not interested in all that, or even in the deal you cut with the Hooded Hood long before that to retcon my execution. I’ve been sifting through the Archive data.â€Â
“Something no ordinary Librarian is supposed to be able to do. Something that is the hallmark of only a Senior Librarian, Mr Bookman. Or a future Senior Librarian.â€Â
“Still not interested. I noticed an anomaly in the data, though. Something I couldn’t fathom.â€Â
The Senior Librarian’s interest was piqued. “Oh. Tell me more.â€Â
Lee Bookman leaned forward and whispered. “What do you know about an entity known as the Carnifex?â€Â
***
“How did you get in?†demanded Safe Governor Fleetwood as Yuki pressed the adamantine-laced vanadium steel security door open and entered the Panic Room. “That security is supposed to be impenetrable.â€Â
“I’m that good,†the cyborg P.I. shrugged. “Now show me the failsafe trigger equipment so I can figure out a way to bypass whatever they did to stop it.â€Â
“Over here,†Chief Flaherty answered. “Only somebody with the original schematics could have stopped this working.â€Â
“Right. Luckily I know someone with a back door in.†Yuki tuned her internal transmitter to a specific frequency. “Baroness?â€Â
***
The structural damage to the Safe was now so bad that Hatman could get an outside comm-signal through Hallie to Al B. Harper. The wider tactical update didn’t comfort him.
“Additionally, I’ve not been able to contact Whitney,†Hallie added. “Her comm-signal blinked out in Black’s Crossing.â€Â
“This is starting to look co-ordinated,†Hatman frowned. “Multiple threats to spread us thin and take us out, multiple objectives to achieve. There’s a bigger picture.â€Â
“We could do with some pretty strong leadership here.†Al B. noted. “And preferably a brilliant plan.â€Â
Hatman rummaged in his hatility belt and dug right to the bottom. “How about this?†he suggested, making a quick summary.
“Could work,†agreed Al B. doubtfully. “Except there’s still Sorceress missing.â€Â
Jay shook his head. “Whit can take care of herself. She’d want us to save the world first. Let’s do it.â€Â
***
Vesperine, Lady of Torments, preferred the form of a beautiful albino with blood seeping like tears from her eyes and nails. She sat on her barbed black throne of truths and watched her victims struggle.
“You’re probably wondering why I invited you to my realm,†she announced to Liu Xi Xian, Whitney Darkness, and Ebony of Nubilia. “I assure you it’s entirely personal.â€Â
“Vesperine,†Ebony warned the others. “Lord of one of the hell-planes, roughly on a power level with Mefrothto or Grimpenghast. Generally considered not as dangerous or effective.â€Â
Vesperine shook her head and made Ebony relive the worst moment of her life. The high priestess of the Manga Shoggoth screamed and slumped weeping, still bound by the cords of thorns that restrained the captives.
“I’m not much for clever word games, and I don’t really enjoy being manipulated,†the Lady of Torments explained. “I just want to hurt you.â€Â
“The letters weren’t from Xander,†Liu Xi noted. “You fixed them somehow, changed their contents to bring us into a trap.â€Â
Vesperine had Liu Xi relive the night she’d been taken to the man who was supposed to become her husband. “Speak when you’re spoken to,†she advised the tortured Chinese girl. “I didn’t arrange for the forged letters. That was an associate, who kindly offered me the chance to acquire three interesting souls for my collection.â€Â
“I don’t suppose you could tell me who that was?†Whitney asked. “Just so I can add him or her to my ass-kicking list after I’m done with you?â€Â
“You’re a slow learner,†the Lady of Torments noted, plunging Sorceress into the moment when she had become the possession of the Demon Lover.
Whitney Darkness looked up with a nasty smile on her face. “Actually I’m not,†she replied. She shifted in her bonds, standing straighter. “You see, I learned a lot when I faced down the Demon Lover who’d been possessing my family of thousands of years. Enough that I don’t ever need to fear him again. Enough to know what to do if I ever had to relive that situation. Enough to take him down and borrow his power – which is to say the power he’d leached off all my grandmothers for countless generations – and channel it outwards in one pantie-wettingly powerful malediction hex.â€Â
Vesperine realised too late that Sorceress had been waiting for this. The curse caught the demoness right in the face, shattering the throne of truths and spilling its occupant out across the wastes of isolation.
“Ebony?†Sorceress prompted, lifting the priestess from the wreckage of the thorn vines that had restrained her.
“Standard exorcism ritual channelled through that lovely bit of raw magecraft you just loosed, I think,†Ebony of Nubilia answered vengefully. “Should release every bound soul within a hundred thousand leagues of here, and especially everyone that’s tortured in Vesperine’s collection.â€Â
The Lady of Torments reformed, wrathful, urgent.
“Be sure to remind those souls who was torturing them,†Sorceress advised Ebony. “Liu Xi?â€Â
“Yes,†Liu Xi Xian replied, dragging herself up holding handfuls of abyssal dirt. “This place must go.â€Â
Vesperine came forward, far too powerful for any of the three women to stop for all her injuries. Liu Xi Xian folded earth and fire and void and placed the women a thousand miles distant. At her glance the whole terrain folded like origami, mountains cracking to spew seething rivers of lava down into newly formed acid seas. Searing clouds of caustic steam billowed high into suddenly-red skies. Great chunks of Vesperine’s domain heaved away to embed themselves in neighbouring fiefdoms, triggering reprisals and renewing the turf conflicts that were never more than a minor provocation away.
Vesperine howled through the chaos and came straight for Sorceress.
Whitney waved at her and transported herself and her comrades through the spiritual rift that Ebony’s rite had made and the dimensional crack that Liu Xi’s void-pulling had torn. “See you,†she told the Lady of Torments, “Next time we won’t be so nice.â€Â
They left the Demon Lady to howl for her shattered domain and her lost power and her unfulfilled lust for revenge.
***
By the time you get these letters, wrote Xander the Improbable, you should have already received faked versions which will lead you to some kind of deadly trap. After you’ve dealt with that and returned to Earth, I’d like you to try and keep the occult world under control. Between the three of you – Whitney, Ebony, and Liu Xi – you have many of the specialisations that the job will require. Look for help from Greye, Bookman, Olivia Hastings, Hagatha, Mr Li, even – if you absolutely have to – Johnstantine. Things will get dangerous without a sorcerer supreme to keep a lid on them. You might face some interesting times.
And while I don’t suppose this bit of information will be allowed to get to you, beware your new enemy, the one behind your recent trials, a being known as…
And here a scorched corner of parchment obliterated the rest of the note.
***
“How are you doing in there?†called CrazySugarFreakBoy!, still bouncing around the seemingly-endless hordes of ava-warriors. Any one of them was a good fight. He was running out of ways to keep them busy.
Mr Epitome ignored the dozens of claw-wounds and gouges that laced his body, the broken ribs and the shattered forearm and kept on pounding on the being formed from the twisted souls of an entire planet that sought to make Earth as dead as its own. “Fighting for truth and justice,†he replied in a snarl.
“Got word from Yuki. She’s almost got the failsafe self-destructs online. They’re micro-point-singularities that will take out the whole of Flanagan Island. A by-product of Enty’s automated egg-whisk research apparently.†CSFB! looked a little worried. “Problem is, there’s no way for us to get out in time. This is like Crisis On Infinite Earths #8, where the Flash has to sacrifice his life to save everything.â€Â
Mr Epitome smashed his fist again into the tattered face of M’Rak the Vicious. “Do it,†he ordered.
***
“How do you think it’s going, Mr Skinner?â€Â
“It’s proving most interesting, Mr Flay. It seems as though the governments of this world are considering a scorched earth philosophy.â€Â
“I always enjoy a good patch of scorched earth, Mr Skinner.â€Â
“Nobody enjoys it more, Mr Flay, especially when people do it to themselves. Irony always adds a little piquancy to the smell of burning corpses.â€Â
“That it does, Mr Skinner. So the last vestiges of the Parody Master’s empire will be obliterated for good, and the first part of the boss’ work will be completed.â€Â
“It will be, Mr Flay. At least if Miss Peel is successful in her work.â€Â
“Miss Peel is usually successful, Mr Skinner. She’s a very motivated young lady.â€Â
“So she is, Mr Flay. So she is.â€Â
***
“Please don’t worry, Mister President,†the Carnifex said at the other end of the phone line. “My Esquiline Tower couldn’t be harmed by a supernova, never mind one of your nuclear devices. If you feel you need to detonate a warhead on the Safe then don’t give any thought to my property. You must do as you think fit.â€Â
He went back to his croissant.
***
“You cannot trick us,†shouted Major Harrow. “We are the Avawarriors of the Parody Master! We are his chosen, his elite!â€Â
“It’s no trick, old chap,†Sir Mumphrey told him sadly. “You know your Master is gone. You must have felt his power go out of you. More than half of you are dying because of it, because his will isn’t there to overcome what was done to your bodies to give you your abilities. The Parody Master is gone and your time is over.†He looked up suddenly at the avacommander. “Why did you fight for him?â€Â
“He was our Master,†Harrow replied. Then, seeing in the old man’s eyes that his response was not enough, he added, “Because he would have made a better Parodyverse. Because he would have brought order and enlightenment. Because he made us strong, better than we were before.â€Â
Mumph shook his head. “Can you still carry out his plans without him? Or can you only cause more bloodshed and death?â€Â
“We can avenge his fall.â€Â
“But nothing else.†The eccentric Englishman stood. “It’s over, Major Harrow. All that remains now is for you to decide whether to accept it. Will you be defeated with honour, care for your wounded, comfort your dying, and perhaps secure some measure of peace and some future for your men? Or will you be manipulated into one last bloody fight by an unknown enemy who means you no more good than he means us? Hmm? Which will it be?â€Â
“There’s no way to win this,†Roslyn Rashamon opined. “But it’s still possible for you to lose.â€Â
“We have come to an end,†agreed Major Harrow reluctantly. “But we shall do what we must.â€Â
***
“Carnifex is a Roman title in my culture,†began Lee Bookman. “It means ‘butcher’, and it was given to the Public Executioner of Rome. They called him ‘the man in the blood-red hat’ and he was so feared and hated that he was not allowed to live inside the city boundaries. He dwelled outside the ghost-haunted Esqualine Gate and his lead-studded scourges were hung on public display at the entrance to Rome’s biggest district, the Suburba. He was the empire’s torturer-in-chief. Not a nice man.â€Â
The Senior Librarian had accessed the histories as Lee spoke. “Yes, I can see that. The work – the name – Carnifex appears in other cultures too, always referring to a person of violence, an executioner. And he appears in some of the very oldest legends of the Parody Master.â€Â
“As the reason the Parody Master was created, the thing he was meant to protect the Parodyverse from,†suggested Lee.
“Maybe,†the Senior Librarian agreed. “Or he’s an agent of those who mean us harm.†He relaxed a little. “Of course, the Carnifex who appeared on Earth to help you after the Parody War can’t be linked with any of that.â€Â
“No,†agreed Lee, also calming down. “We’re very lucky that Mr Carnifex is there to help us out now.â€Â
And then everything was alright.
***
“Art thou sure thou wantest to do this, Jay Boaz?†asked Donar, from somewhere in a scrum pile of avawarriors.
“If it’s a choice between him blowing up and me, I vote him,†offered Baroness von Zemo.
“If you’re doing it, Hatty, now’s the time,†Yuki called. “I’ve just activated the detonation sequence.â€Â
“It should be a fascinating experiment,†contributed Al B. Harper from the EEE lab.
Hatman pulled out his Bell Telecom hardhat and began to make connections.
***
In a distant dimension, the Apostate wrestled with Nyarlurkhotep, each an overwhelming force to reshape the Parodyverse.
In Vault Zero, Mr Epitome wore a Negativity Zone harness that countered the world-draining energy field of the last doomwraith.
In the Safe above, Yuki activated the point singularity weapons that opened short-life miniature black holes all around the building.
In the EEE firehouse Amy Aston crept up behind the Shoggoth’s main biomass and quickly jabbed a couple of crocodile clips into his plasma.
Al B. Harper fired up the dimensional engines to a new configuration. Hatman connected all those things together with his Telecoms cap.
***
“Wait. What?†blinked Visionary, looking around him.
“Congratulations,†said Lisa Waltz. “You’ve added yet another multi-dimensional snafu to your charge sheet.â€Â
The possibly-fake man looked around him, then checked to see how eaten he was.
“The Legion managed to link about four different major villain crises together into one major foobar,†the new Destroyer of Tales noted. “Chronicler has gone off to get drunk. I get to untangle this mess.â€Â
“All you have to do is to balance the various forces before the Parodyverse is shredded,†the Shoggoth – the Legion’s Shoggoth – noted calmly. “The fascinating narrative harmonic that Dr Harper achieved has already made it possible for me to vomit out Visionary into being again and remove the Apostate from what you call existence.†The loathsome elder being seemed a bit smug. “Since that Apostate was so intimately tangled in combat with Nyarlurkhotep at the time it looks like he’s gone as well, at least until he finds a way to crawl out of the oblivion the Apostate has gone to.â€Â
“I’m still back at the ‘Wait’ part of the conversation,†Vizh admitted.
“All’s well that ends well,†Lisa shrugged. “But next time any of you try this I’ll be back with paddles.â€Â
***
“Stand down, Mr President. I repeat, stand down!†Amber St Clare called urgently over the direct line to the White House. “We’ve just got contact with Sir Mumphrey at Bareta Base. He’s found and destroyed the technology that was causing the power outage and the avawarrior escapees have surrendered to him. At the Safe the doomwraith his been destroyed and the situation is coming under control. Do you understand? You can stand down extreme responses!â€Â
“I’m sorry, Ms St Clare,†Miss Peel said sweetly at the other end of the line. “The President is busy right now.â€Â
***
“The word is given,†the Commander in Chief said. “Fire.â€Â
“Confirmed,†agreed Dan Drury, Director of SPUD. “Launch.â€Â
***
“You are correct, Sir Mumphrey Wilton,†declared Major Harrow. “We have been defeated. Our Master is gone. All that remains is to die with honour.â€Â
“No, wait!†cried Governor Rashamon, realising too late what the avacommander intended.
Major Harrow fell on his avasword.
Every avatrooper on Earth died.
***
“Epitome?†called CrazySugarFreakBoy! “Epitome, are you okay?â€Â
The charred bloody bulk of Dominic Clancy stirred. The harness had burnt great livid rents in his flesh where it had blown out.
“Please tell me I’m not being cradled in Foxglove’s lap,†he groaned painfully.â€Â
***
“Hatty?†Yuki asked uncertainly, stopping her CPR as her onboard monitors picked up Jay Boaz’ vital signs again. “Can you hear me?â€Â
Hatman looked up blurrily. “Wha’ happen?†he slurred.
“Yon avawarriors cheatethed,†complained Donar. “They all fell down dead for no reason to spoileth the fray.â€Â
The Baroness looked on his with contempt. “Yes. You could have kept on fighting and died otherwise.â€Â
Hallie’s voice on the comm-cards cut through the bickering. “We have another problem,†she announced. “Six nuclear missiles in the air. Three en-route for where you are right now. Automatic cancellation codes are not responding.â€Â
***
“Hi Asil!†called Dancer, manoeuvring her shopping bags through the doorway to the operations room. “Did I miss anything?â€Â
“The end of the Lair Legion and nuclear death for Paradopolis?†suggested Asil nervously.
“Anything else? Did Harry call?â€Â
***
“Well well,†noted the Carnifax, “The Lair Legion are full of surprises, aren’t they? Fancy them being able to survive that number of major threats all at once! And not just survive them – they actually used some of the menances to help overcome others of them. That’s really very clever.â€Â
“Clever indeed, boss,†Mr Flay agreed. “I was just remarking us much to Mr Skinner, was I not, Mr Skinner.â€Â
“Indeed you were, Mr Flay. Still, there’s clever and there’s nuclear holocausts, I always say. Let’s see them clever their way past six nuclear bombs.â€Â
“Let’s not,†the Carnifax replied. “The last thing we want now is to reactivate the Probability Dancer’s abilities by stress for her friends. Besides, they’ve done very well. It would be unsporting to nuke them after all that effort. Not today.†He closed his fist and the six nuclear missiles were crumpled like foil, exploding across his palm so as not to spread destruction on the landscape below. “Tell the President that Mr Carnifex has dealt with his problem for him.â€Â
“I’ll contact Miss Peel now,†agreed Mr Skinner.
“I’m very impressed with these Legionnaires,†the Carnifex admired. “This mission of destruction is going to be far more interesting than I expected. I’m going to take my time.â€Â
“Destruction of the Parodyverse is at your entire discretion, boss,†Mr Flay agreed. “Although me and Mr Skinner, we’d like a chance to do a bit of harm before the end.â€Â
“You will,†agreed the Carnifex. “Blood and fire and pain and weeping. But for now we’ll just see how things go. I’ll live amongst them and they’ll never question my presence. I’ll interact with them and learn their strengths and weaknesses. Nobody will even bat an eye that I’m here, the most powerful hero on their planet. They’ll merely see me as some kind of sentry, watching over them.†He chuckled to himself. “Until the time comes.â€Â
He gestured to the food in front of him. “Paté, gentlemen?â€Â
***
“Can I just say,†Vizh offered, falling back into a sofa in the Lair Legion Living Room, “ouch.â€Â
“Sorry,†the Manga Shoggoth apologised. “I felt that eating you was the best alternative available to me under the circumstances.â€Â
“Can I just say it’s a desperate day when one of us has to eat Visionary to save the day,†added Yuki.
“The doomwraith’s dead and the others are gone,†Mr Epitome said gruffly, sitting stiffly until his own wounds were healed. “That’s all that matters.â€Â
“Not just the doomwraith though,†CSFB! pointed out. “Those mass suicides…â€Â
“A lot of people seem to be very happy about it,†Hallie said grimly. “It’ll save an awful lot of post-war headaches. But there should have been a better way.â€Â
“And the staff at the Safe,†added CSFB!, uncharacteristically serious for once. “We didn’t save them.â€Â
“We did what we could,†Hatman declared. “Someone tried to take us all out, maybe take the world out. We managed to contain their threat, we held the line. That’s the job, team.â€Â
“The Parody War is finally over,†contributed Lee Bookman, putting aside an old copy of War and Peace. “I can’t wait to read the volumes that will be written about those events.â€Â
“They’ll probably be longer than anybody expected,†warned Al B. with a sigh.
“Meanwhile, we’ve shown that the Legion can still take whatever anybody throws at us,†Yuki asserted. “Doomwraiths, Avawarriors, elder gods, whatever the hell that Apostate guy who keeps going after Vizh is…â€Â
“And Vesperine will think twice before coming at us again like that,†added Sorceress with some satisfaction.
“We owe Mr Carnifex a vote of thanks, though,†Visionary pointed out. “If he hadn’t neutralised those nuclear bombs…â€Â
“I couldst have wrestled them,†grumbled Donar. “They art not so tough.â€Â
“I thought things were going to calm down after the Parody War,†noted ManMan. “It looks like you guys are going to be as busy as ever.â€Â
“Brave new world,†offered Sir Mumphrey Wilton. “New challenges. New threats. New adventures. Good show.â€Â
“Can’t we tempt you to stay on?†Hatman persuaded the eccentric Englishman. “I’d step aside for you to lead in an instant, or you could stick around as an associate, or whatever you want.â€Â
The eccentric Englishman shook his head. “Too much has happened of late. Need some time to deal with it all, as you colonials say. Need some time to grieve, to think, to relax. Time to mull over the kippers and read the Times and complain about the cricket. Enough said. Heading back to Blighty after the farewell party for young Pepper.â€Â
“Not just Joe,†Dancer told them shyly. “I won’t be part of the Legion till my power comes back, and… I have other news. News about me… and Sarah Shepherdson.â€Â
“Harry?†asked Asil eagerly.
“He’s not got Sarah pregnant, has he?†demanded Vizh, channelling Shep’s other brother.
“No. it’s just that Sarah might be travelling for a while, and I might go with her. To Europe. You see, she had an audition. For Lair Legion: The Musical. To play me.â€Â
“Shep got a part?†CSFB! beamed. “In a stage production, I mean?â€Â
“There’s a musical?†objected Mr Epitome. “I’m a musical?â€Â
“Well, they turned Sarah down for Dancer,†Dancer explained with a little frown. “Said she couldn’t quite capture the essence of me. But they did offer her a small part as Sorcy. She even gets her own number, if it doesn’t get cut.â€Â
“I thought Mr Papadapopolis wanted Sarah to manage the Bean and Donut,†the Librarian said.
“Maybe when she gets back,†Dancer smiled. “Sorry to cut in to your going-away party, Manny.â€Â
“Your party is my party,†Joe replied.
“It should be everyone’s party,†asserted Asil determinedly. “Except maybe Flapjack and Fleabot.â€Â
“Hey, maybe if Shep’s playing me in that show, you could play yourself, Dancer,†suggested Whitney.
“I don’t think so,†Dancer replied. “That could get weird.â€Â
“What about you?†Hatman asked the Manga Shoggoth, perhaps prompted by the word ‘weird’. “Al says your ordeal burned all the mundane matter out of your system. You can reunite with your main biomass now, go home.â€Â
“Well… I could have done that,†the Shoggoth bubbled, “but then I had to reconstitute Visionary and get us out of that dimensional shear point you created and… um, I seem to have been contaminated again. Therefore I would like to continue to associate with the Lair Legion for the time being if that is possible.â€Â
“That’s your story, is it?†Al B. asked with a sly little smile.
“That is the statement I have made,†answered the Shoggoth stiffly.
“So we’re back up to a field team of five,†Yuki noted. “Plus Vizh, Lee, and Al as associate members as well. Eight Legionnaires in all. Maybe we should give some thought to a recruiting campaign. I have some profiles.â€Â
“I take it Citizen Z is out,†ManMan shuddered. “Did the Baroness escape in all the turmoil at the Safe?â€Â
“No,†reported Hallie. “She went back to her cell and complained about the lack of room service. I think she really wants her day in court. I just wish I knew why.â€Â
“But she’s out of the Legion, right?†Vizh asked anxiously. “Right?â€Â
“I don’t think we should recruit new people yet,†offered CSFB! “It feels like we’d be saying that our friends won’t be coming back. I’d like to give Finny and Enty and G-Eyed and Banjooooo and thuddy and DBS and the rest a chance to make it home. It’s too soon to close the door and put out the candle.â€Â
“I don’t think we’d be doing that,†Hatman argued. “But we do have a lot to do right now, maybe too much for an immediate recruitment drive. And I’d like to get some more security measures in place before we take on any more candidates. We don’t have a good record on new recruits not turning out to be double agents.â€Â
“Unless Mr Carnifex wants to join, of course,†Dancer offered with a little sigh. “He’s very datable.â€Â
“Well it goes without saying that if Carnifex wants in, he’s in,†agreed Sir Mumphrey, “but that’s probably too much to hope for, what?â€Â
“How about you, Whit?†Hatty asked Sorceress. “Are you ready to come back onto the team?â€Â
Whitney Darkness shook her head. “I only dressed up as a superhero for you while we were dating, Jay. Besides, it seems I’ve got some new duties as acting sorceress supreme. Or part of her, anyway. I’m going to be busy.â€Â
Mr Epitome summed up. “So we have Hatman, Yuki, Visionary, the Shoggoth, Harper, Bookman, and me. And CrazySugarFreakBoy! if we’re desperate,†he noted. “Should be enough to hold the line for a while.â€Â
“I art only a short goat ride away if there art trouble,†offered Donar. “And if mine wife wilt let me come,†he added sheepishly.
“And there’s always spiffy,†noted Dancer. “No, really. Stop giggling. It’s not nice.â€Â
“And then there’s the new intake of Juniors,†Hallie added devilishly as Vizh was sipping his coffee.
CSFB! leaned across to a smiling Hatman as Yuki slapped Visionary on the back. “And lucky you, you get Fashion Accessory back as your intern PA,†he warned the capped crusader.
Sir Mumphrey Wilton stood and raised his glass for a toast. The others joined him.
“To absent friends and the victories they helped us win,†he said. “To hard fought fights for dearer freedoms. To heroes across the Parodyverse who stand against the dark. To the Lair Legion, past, present, and future. Long may they line up.â€Â
And they drank.
***
The Lair Legion Scoresheet:
Current Membership:
The Field Team: Hatman (Leader), CSFB! (Deputy), the Manga Shoggoth, Mr Epitome, Yuki Shiro
The Associates: Visionary, the Librarian, Al B. Harper
Previous Members (still around):
spiffy – President-for-Life in Badripoor
Lisa – Destroyer of Tales
Donar – Regent of Ausgard
Sorceress – acting sorceress supreme
Dancer – touring with Lair Legion: The Musical, currently unpowered
Sir Mumphrey Wilton – retired to his Wiltshire, England estates
ManMan – retired to be a building janitor, currently without Knifey
Baroness von Zemo – expelled, awaiting trial
And a quick writer’s note about the Carnifex:
As may be evidenced by this chapter, the Carnifex has arrived but is taking his time in unfolding a plot to destroy the Parodyverse. He’s a pro, so he’s not rushing in to anything. In the meantime, his massively high black iron Esqualine Tower looms over Paradopolis on the bay island where Exile previously had his HQ and nobody thinks there is anything amiss about his sudden appearance or his assumption of some authority in the affairs of the world. He’s a handsome hard-looking man who could probably be played by James Purfoy in the movie.
***
Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2007 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2007 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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That's quite a show of power by Liu Xi, destroying an entire realm with elemental power.  I have to wonder if Sorceress took note of that, and possibly the Lair Legion (though I can't imagine how anyone outside would have seen it).  Nice to see she still doesn't give in to becoming a victim anymore.
I like how Yuki behaved like everything is going according to plan even when it wasn't.  It's probably that confidence which is her best asset in the LL, because she motivates people when the chips are down and when Hatman and CSFB! can't.
No recruiting drive, eh?  Yuki won't be disappointed (and Liu Xi definitely won't since she didn't expect anything from Yuki's brave suggestions) because she just wanted to get the offer on the table for whenever.
Did I miss something about Carnifex?  I don't think he was there before, was he?  While Lara Night is off at home there has to be someone else who would detect that something has gone wrong.
Though she wasn't mentioned, if Violet returns to the Bean & Donut I'm sure she'll be gloating nonstop about Michael being the dish washer.  Unless she got a part in Lair Legion: The Musical somehow.
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