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A Very Parody Christmas Part 1 by Al B. Harper
Everyone had gathered at Visionary’s new residence, the old light-house on Parody Island, for a Christmas celebration. There were members of the mighty Lair Legion and their associates, friends and colleagues, various hangers on, and even a few unexpected arrivals who, nonetheless, were made equally welcome in the spirit of the festive season, although that did cause a few tense moments in some cases, especially by the punch bowl.
By the time Al B. Harper, Amy Aston and Miss Framlicker (who currently make up the staff of Extraordinary Endeavour Enterprises) arrived, Visionary had taken to a long soft couch in the light-house’s main circle room, with a cold compress on his forehead.
“Anyone would think he was the one with child,†said Amy, noting the pregnant green hued Caph administering to the League of Regulars regular with tender care.
“Tsk-tsk,†chided Muffy Framlicker.
Al B. Harper thanked Visionary on behalf of the EEE crew, and handed over a Christmas gift.
“Abraham B. Harper and the Parodiopolis Jazz Ensemble Greatest Hits,†read Visionary from the cover of the CD, “Your Grandfather’s band right? Didn’t you give me this for a housewarming present also?â€
“Well, I would have,†started Al B., “except that never went further than a poll I posted on the board, as you never got around to writing an actual housewarming chapter, you slacker.â€
Al B. was developing a very annoying trait of breaking the fourth wall whenever the plot called for it.
“Not quite as annoying as writing in script though,†said Amy Aston.
“Well, I happen to quite enjoy the script format,†said the narrator, who then politely reminded the EEE crew that he was writing this story and they’d better stop interrupting less he be forced to introduce a scene where Amy loses her overalls again. This brought a snicker from Fleabot, who was perched on Al B.’s shoulder although none of them knew it. Amy of course thought it was Al B. who snickered, and walloped him one.
Visionary just moaned and reached for his compress, his simple mind not really handling concepts like Breaking the Fourth Wall.
“Dork-faces!†said Kerry Shepherdson, turning to her Junior Legion team-mates. “Come on, lets go explore this dump of a home I’m now stuck in. Any longer around these lame-o’s and we risk turning into major l-o-s-e-r-s.â€
“I don’t think they’re so bad, I quite admire many of our Lair Legion teachers,†said Ham Boy, puffing out his chest.
“Well, that’s only helping to prove Kerry’s point,†said Fashion Accessory, rolling her eyes.
The Juniors all followed Kerry in the end though, after all, there were still areas of the old light-house that hadn’t been fully explored yet, and if there’s one thing a bunch of teenagers like to do better than lying around in their rooms being moody and listening to music, it is exploring spooky old places.
Presently, they came to an area of the light-house they were sure they hadn’t been in before. Being somewhat of a dimensionally challenged light-house, it did seem to add on extra areas every now and again that you were sure weren’t there a minute ago.
“I’m sure this door wasn’t here a minute ago,†said Ham Boy.
“Verily,†added Harlagaz, “we’d best be prepared for anything, Trolls, Gnolls, or Molls if we’re lucky.†He slapped Ham Boy on the back.
Cautiously, Ham Boy opened the door, and the Juniors peeked inside the room.
“It’s empty!†exclaimed Kerry with disappointment, “well, except for that old wardrobe over in the corner.â€
“This bites,†moaned Hacker 9, patting Glory on her muzzle.
Fashion Accessory pushed her way through to the centre of the room. “There’s got to be some clothes worth looking at, at least, inside the wardrobe. Come on Kes.†She grabbed Kerry by her arm and strode towards the wardrobe.
Glory went padding along after the two girls, as did Ham Boy. Harlagaz looked at Hacker 9, shrugged, and followed.
“This is no good!†exclaimed Hacker 9 evilly, (he was suffering technology withdrawal after all) but in the end he too joined the others by the wardrobe.
I was a very large wardrobe, made from a dark, stained wood, with two large, almost double-sized doors, intricately carved with geometric centrepieces resembling leaves and flowers and other designs from nature. FA took hold of one of the gilded bronze knobs, and turned it slowly. The door inched open with a spooky creak. Kerry peered inside. “Damn. This is empty too,†she sighed.
“Not even a steak?†asked Ham Boy.
“Or a Moll?†Harlagaz added.
“Or a computer?†Hacker 9 logged on.
“Wait a minute Kes,†interjected FA, “there’s something in the back there, just out of the light.†She stepped up into the wardrobe and made her way to the back, which, being such a large wardrobe, was in shadow. “Oh my!†she exclaimed several seconds later. “Guys, come check this out, you’re not going to believe this!â€
The others all clambered into the wardrobe to follow, being very careful to leave the door open, but, being somewhat of an odd wardrobe, in somewhat of a dimensionally challenged light-house, they didn’t have much luck with that, because after they were all inside, it slammed shut with a bang!
To be continued….???
A Very Parody Christmas Part 2 by Yo
The Narrator turned its back to the interesting events happening in a wardrobe that shouldn’t be there. It felt regret for leaving the interesting events and turning its attention to a less interesting scene. But that is the mission of a narrator, to tell the boring interlude between big battles, witty dialogues and such…
Besides the deserts table, Yo seemed to be having a bit of a dilemma. His human host had been outside the Parodyverse for so long, that Yo didn’t know if he was supposed to be in this great story. Likely, he had been maimed, lobotomized or even killed several times in the last few months. A continuity mess was something all parodyverse citizens were weary of doing.
In addition, who was this pregnant green hued Caph and who was the father?. Judging by this year stories, It was likely to be Visionary. These days, if you were in a story with Visionay and he wasn’t having an affair, it wasn’t worth of reading. Added to that, he was having an even worse dilemma, to eat more chocolate pie or not. It was very possible that the genderless being was going to burst out if so.
That was why he wasn’t paying attention to Rabito hopping and whereabouts. The cute pet had been following the Juniors from some safe distance. He had learned the hard way to stay out of way of Kerry’s toys or FA’s attempts to dress him with Barbie’s clothes. However, with a last minute jump, he had managed to get inside the wardrobe before the door slammed shut with a bang.
To be continued….???
A Very Parody Christmas Part 3 by Al B. Harper
Inside the mysterious wardrobe, after the door had slammed shut with a bang, it was, predictably, dark.
“Hey hands off.â€
“Glory, is that you by my leg?â€
“Ouch, that was my eye!â€
“Forsooth, mine apologies fair one.â€
“Err, that’s me you’re groping, you big lug.â€
“Woof!â€
The voice of Samantha Bonnington, Fashion Accessory, came somewhat muffled from the back of the wardrobe. “Guys, this way, follow my voice, you aren’t going to believe this!â€
The others edged their way slowly towards her voice, somewhat concerned, by both the fact that Sam’s voice sounded further away than it should, and expecting to hit the back of the wardrobe at any second. Which of course, they didn’t…because the back was no longer there.
With a bump, a crunch, and a squeak (we think that was Ham Boy), they all suddenly felt themselves tumbling into, well, the unknown.
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Meanwhile, back at the lighthouse.
In one of the ante chambers to the big round room, an eclectic group had been somewhat surreptitiously gathered together…
“Zis is truly a ztrange cuztom,†said Zdenka, also known as the Rabid Wolf, one of Candia’s greatest heroes, and Hatman’s date for the party.
“I agree,†said Chiaki Bushido, aka the Psychic Samurai, in her usual reserved manner. “I have been living here for some time now, and this custom has been unknown to me.†She looked at CrazySugarFreakBoy! with a raised eyebrow.
“We think it sounds fun!†giggled one of the green skinned Caphs to her sister. No one was sure which two they actually were, but two of them had also been cajoled to join this gathering.
“But, muzt ve do it vizout our clothez on?†asked Zdenka
“Trust me!†said Dream. “This is a local custom that goes back hundreds of years.†He was already stripped to his neon-orange boxer shorts. “We all know how important it is to continue with customs, right?â€
At that moment Hatman walked into the room.
“Zdenka! There you are,†he said. “Come on, there’s someone I want to introduce you to.†He suddenly caught notice of Dream. “Err…what’s going on here?†he asked.
“Heh…Hiya Jay!†said Dream. “You’re just in time to join us for naked Twister, you know, the annual Christmas tradition…†He looked at Jay, trying to look innocent.
Hatman just rolled his eyes, and taking Zdenka by the hand, left the room. “He’s pulling your leg guys,†he called as he exited.
The other Caph giggled now. “Is ‘pulling the leg’ anything like when one must pull a man’s slark’dup right before rekelok?†she asked.
Chiaki didn’t look amused…
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Meahwhile, back in the unknown.
The LLJuniors all rubbed their eyes to get accustomed to the bright sunlight they now found themselves in. When they could see again, they looked around to see Fashion Accessory standing before them on a bright sunny beach in what looked to be a beautiful Pacific setting. They looked around and could just make out the dark inside of the wardrobe in the rocks behind them.
“Summer?†queried Ham Boy.
“Isn’t it delicious!†expressed Sam. “We must be in the Antipodes. A real summer Christmas!â€
“If we’re even still on Earth.†said Kerry, removing her woollen pullover.
The other Juniors likewise removed their warm clothing, except for Sam who just rearranged the molecules on hers, when suddenly, Rabito fell with a “plop†through the wardrobe-cave mouth. The purple-thought-creature took one look around, and promptly hopped off into the undergrowth at the end of the beach.
“Was that Rabito?†queried Hacker Nine.
“Me thinketh it was,†answered Harlagaz.
“Quick, we’d better get him, Yo will be most upset if he gets lost†said Ham Boy.
They scrambled up the beach into the pristine rainforest, which was surprisingly denser than it looked at first glance.
Rushing and scrambling every which way, it was no surprise that they all soon became separated and hopelessly lost.
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Kerry had presently sat herself down on a log in a glade, to try and listen for sounds of the others, when out of the trees came a little fawn, with the torso and head of a man, but two legs and cloven hoofs like a goat. He had a little red cap on his head (to keep off the sun, for it was summer after all), with two little horns poking out the top. He gave little jump with a start when he saw Kerry sitting there.
“’sup?†she asked.
“Are…are you a daughter of Lisa? Or a son of Visionary?†the fawn asked.
“Well, I was his ward, but Dorkface is now my brother,†she said.
“Ohh!†squealed the fawn with delight. “A real little girl!†He trotted over to Kerry and started pawing at her. “Come, little girl, come with me to my den!†He was getting rough.
“Hey, hands off creep!†said Kerry, shoving him away. That only made him more intense.
“Come little girl, you must come with me back to my den, yes you must, you must.†He was groping pawing all over the place now, in a frantic attempt to get Kerry to go with him. Suddenly, his cap caught fire. “Eeeee!†He yelled, and ran off into the undergrowth.
“What a creep!†said Kerry.
Just then, Ham Boy and Fashion Accessory came running into the glade.
“Kez!†said FA, “We thought we heard you, come on, we’ve got to find the others.â€
At that moment, the three Juniors heard a loud boom, which could only mean one thing.
“Harlagaz!†said Kerry, and they rushed off in the direction from which the boom had come.
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To be continued?
A Very Parody Christmas Part 4 by Hatman
“Have at thee, foul creature! Return to the depths of Hel that spawned thee!â€
“That’s ‘Gaz all right,†said Kerry as she, Ham-Boy, and Fashion Accessory raced through the trees. Ham-Boy was on point, clearing the way with a jerky shield.
The three Juniors burst into a clearing to find their DemiHemi member grappling with a large creature wielding a club. “We’ve got to help him!†cried out Samantha.
“Nay, good friends!†shouted Harlagaz. “I have taken yon caitiffs measure, and I find it lacking!†He twisted his arm free and delivered a devastating uppercut to his opponents chin. The creature dropped his club and slumped to the ground unconscious.
“Nice goin’ Gaz,†congratulated Kerry. “What is that thing?â€
“It’s a troll,†piped up Ham-Boy.
“And how would you know?†asked Samantha.
“Cause I’ve seen Lord of the Rings,†replied the Hamtastic Avenger. “That thing is a troll.â€
“Young Fred dost speak truly,†confirmed Harlagaz. “Tis a troll indeed. He didst try to make lunch of me, but he didst find me an unwilling victim.â€
“First a fawn, now a troll. I wonder where we are?†puzzled Samantha. “Figures Visionary wouldn’t be here to give us credit for this.â€
Suddenly Hacker Nine came tearing into the glade, running as if he feared for his life. He had a wild look in his eyes and many scratches where the trees had left their mark. He would have run right past his teammates if Harlagaz had not grabbed him by the shoulders.
“What’s wrong Zach?†asked Ham-Boy worriedly.
“We’ve gotta get out of here!†he cried. He struggled to free himself from Harlagaz’s grip.
“The great Hacker 9 is afraid of something here in fairy tale land?†scoffed Kerry. “I’m pretty sure that we can handle whatever is chasing you no sweat.â€
“We will stand with thee in this battle,†Harlagaz assured him.
“So what’s after you?†asked Ham-Boy.
“Nazgul!â€
* * * * *
“So there we were, the blaggards had us surrounded, what, and-“
“Does Sir Mumprhey always tell so many war stories?†Hallie asked Asil. The young clone checked the stock of brandy.
“He does now,†she confirmed.
Over on the other side of the room, Trickshot and De Brown Streak were in a competition to see who could drink the most rum and eggnog. Al B. Harper had done the math to compensate for DBS’ advanced metabolism, meaning DBS was drinking a case to Trickshot’s glass. Space Ghost had tried to join in but Visionary had forbid it. Instead the pantsless hero went off to find himself a new broom closet.
“Have you seen Glory, Dancer?†Mr. Epitome asked of the Probability Dancer.
“Not recently, no. She’s probably off somewhere with the Juniors,†she reasoned.
“That’s what I’m worried about,†mused the Star Spangled Splendor.
* * * * *
Glory soared through the air, looking for Rabito. She had learned to her chagrin that pure thought constructs have no smell, so she could not track the pet that way. Instead she took to the air to try and use her enhanced vision to find the purple bunny.
She was having little luck, and the brush was proving to be very thick, when a gout of flame singed her tail. Whirling about, she found herself facing a rather large dragon.
“I don’t suppose I’d be fortunate enough for you to be Fin Fang Foom, would I,†she checked.
The gnash of teeth and the lunge forward seemed to indicate that he was not Fin Fang Foom. It did indicate, however, that he was hungry.
To be continued?
A Very Parody Christmas Part Five by Killer Shrike
Bird: Jeezy Creezy, a purple rabbit. Just when you thought you've seen it all.
Rabito, grawing at a tuft of milkweed sticking up through the snow: Yeah, well, you aren't exactly a Vermeer portrait yourself, buddy.... whoah! I can talk.
Bird, rearranging carcasses of small animals on thorn bush: Of course you can talk; all animals can talk in... well, here. Word of advice, don't get caught in conversation with a tufted titmouse. Those things never shut up.
Rabito: is that what you are?
Bird, ruffling plumage with indigantion: of course not. I'm a freakin' predator. Look at this beak, these talons...
Rabito: Nifty. So... are you here to eat me, because, no offense, you don't look like you're bird enough for it.
Bird: Nah, I'm here to warn you about the mistress of the realm, and how she's looking to eradicate conceptual entities like yourself before you can help rally the underground resistance to her rule by way of some big theological metaphor.
Rabito: I see. To be honest, I've never imagined myself as much of a "leader on horseback" type: mostly because I tend to fall off things higher than deep-pile carpet.
Bird, chomping on mouse eye: Don't matter: Snoprah Wintry is a paranoid psychopath with delusions of godhood. She'll pay any price, grant any boon, too see you and any other outsider dead.
Rabito: Really? What should I do?
Bird: First of all you should try to get out of the snow, since you don't exactly blend in. Second, you should probably come with me and look for the underground.
Rabito, not quite sure if s/he can trust the bird with the varmint entrails hanging from its mouth: You know where they are?
Bird: No, but I'm sure the trees (yes, they can talk too) have informed them that one of the chosen ones have arrived in the Wood. Its only a matter of time before somebody shows up to fill us in more on the backstory. By Part Seven at the latest.
Rabito: OK, I guess that's a plan. Lead on, Mr. Bird.
Bird: Shrike. I'm a shrike.
To be continued, if someone dares....
A Very Parody Christmas Part 6 by Al B. Harper
“So what’s this?†enquired Amy Aston.
“It’s called Chapter Six I believe†answered Al B. Harper.
Amy rolled her eyes at the archscientist. “You’re really weird sometimes, you know that?†She indicated to the pastry that was on the end of her fork. “I meant, what’s this thing.â€
“Oh, that. Pig in a blanket, I believe†Al B. replied.
Mr Epitome stomped over.
“Excuse me, Ms Aston, Harper, have either of you seen Glory?†he enquired.
“Can’t say I have,†Amy answered, “but I have seen the mistletoe, and guess what, you’re under it!†She threw her arms around the Paragon of Power and gave him a quick peck on the cheek before he knew what was happening.
“Bruhdlfle-hiffel†Mr Epitome chortled.
“Tee-Hee†Amy giggled.
“Err…I think someone may have spiked her punch†Al B. advised the slightly taken-aback Mr Epitome.
*****
“RUN!!!!†Screamed Zack Zelnitz aka Hacker Nine.
He didn’t have to say it twice. Once the mere shadow of the Nazgul appeared over the tree line, its fear inducing qualities made it hard for the Juniors to do anything but run. Even Harlagaz joined in their fleeing to the rocks further up the end of the beach.
“Quick, into this cavern†breathed Kerry Shepherdson, pointing to a small crevasse in the rocks.
Unfortunately, as she said it, Ham Boy tripped over something in the sand.
“Fred!†screamed Samantha Bonnington aka Fashion Accessory. “Get up you great lump of….†She stopped short. The Nazgul was there.
*****
“So anyway, then she said, Roni myboy, you are da bomb!†Roni Y Avis seemed to be the only one laughing out loud at the punch line of his own joke.
“I still don’t see why he is here†queried Liu-Xi to Hallie.
“Oh, me and Vishnionary go waaaaaay back.†Roni advised, overhearing the young Chinese girl. “There’s no way I’d miss a party at his place. Where is the great lug anyways?
At that moment, Mr Epitome came over. “Hallie, have you seen Glory?†he asked.
Hallie paused for a moment. “My sensors indicate she’s in a room off the main corridor on the third level, with the Juniors.â€
“Thanks†said Epitome.
“Is that…lipstick on your collar Dominic?†Hallie queried, but the man of might had already turned and stomped away.
*****
The death-horse of the Nazgul reared up over the prostate form of Fred Harris aka Ham Boy.
“Rrrrrrragh!†Harlagaz suddenly broke free of the fear that gripped him and ran out into the sand inbetween the Nazugul and its prey.
“None may come between a Nazgul and its prey and live†hissed the Nazgul through its ghost-like teeth.
“Have at thee miscreant!†challenged Harlagaz.
The Nazgul just laughed. His horse was faster than expected, and he quickly came down on Harlagaz, giving the Nazgul a clear shot with the flat of his blade, a swipe that sent Harlagaz flying into the rocks.
“Oh crap†swore Kerry from her hiding place.
“Now, you will die!†The Nazgul spat towards the body of Ham Boy, and raised his sword to strike!
*****
Hatman looked around the room at some of the other guests. “The Wooster sisters, Lara Night, Yuki Shiro, Keiko, yep Jay, you’re gonna have to be careful where you stand and what you stand under in this crowd†he thought to himself. He saw Miss Framlicker standing over by the wall. “Well, there’s the safe option till Zdnenka gets back†he thought, and walked over to her.
*****
Kerry covered her eyes from the sight of Ham Boy getting skewered. She couldn’t bear to watch it and cowered with Hacker 9 and Fashion Accessory in the rocks, she knew her fear was unnatural, a result of the Nazgul itself, but she couldn’t help it.
“Tolkienextus!†said a voice, and there was a hissing sound like water being thrown onto fire. Kerry opened her eyes, and the Nazgul had vanished, in its place a cloud of steam slowly rising. Her, FA and Hacker 9 ran over to Ham Boy. Checking he was ok, she noticed the three youths in cloaks standing near by, one of them, a young boy with glasses, was holding a smoking wand. “Was it you who got rid of the Nazgul?†she asked.
“Yes,†answered the youth. “I’m Barry Hotter, a wizard. This is Hermoney Stranger and Rob Vesley†he motioned to his two companions.
“Thanks for saving us†said FA. “I guess if you’re wizards and all we must be in the Mythlands right?
“Kind of†answered the girl known as Hermoney. “We’re actually on Wictcan Island. A remote island in the South Pacific that serves as sort of a gateway between the Mythlands and Earth. Our headmaster, that’s Professor Mumbledoor, noticed something was wrong here and too much of the Mythlands magic was coming through, kind of like a disturbance in the force, so he sent us her to see if we can close it.
“Lucky for us you came when you did†said Hacker 9, helping Harlagaz join the others.
Before anyone could say any more there was a definite screeching sound, followed by a belching noise, and the sound of a dog barking.
“Glory!†exclaimed Kerry. “We’ve got to go save her.â€
“One of your companions is still in danger?†said Rob Vesley.
“We’ll help you†said Barry Hotter.
“Thanks†said the LL Junior together, and they all ran off together towards the sound of Glory’s barking.
To be continued….
A Very Parody Christmas Part Six And A Half by Anime Jason
Hatman began backing away slowly when Trickshot got to Miss Framlicker first and slapped a hat on his head with a mistletoe dangling from a string like bait at the end of a fishing line. Jay didn't want any part of what would happen next. No matter the outcome it couldn't possibly turn out well.
He backed right into someone small, light, who responded to the weight of him by gently stepping aside so he nearly fell backwards. It was a dark haired Asian woman...Keiko...and she somehow steadied him with what seemed like a gentle touch, restoring his balance.
"Are you okay?" she asked. "You seem a little...haunted."
Jay looked up and swallowed hard. Just as he feared, there was a mistletoe hanging above his head. He silently cursed his friend Dream for putting up so many of them. When his eyes returned to level, he noticed Keiko looking up too.
When Keiko looked down again, she smiled. Jay cringed when she took one step forward. And then she leapt up suddenly with athletic grace and snatched the mistletoe from the ceiling, crushing it mercilessly in her hand. She dropped it to the floor at his feet. "You now have one part of this room where you can be safe."
"That wasn't really necessary," Jay told her. That's what he said, but secretly he wondered if she could do the same to the Wooster twins. "But thanks anyway," he added politely.
She nodded and started to walk away from him.
That's when Jay realized that the Wooster twins just spotted him and were headed his way.
"Umm...Keiko--" He tried to reach out to get her attention, but she already responded to his panicked attempt, so he withdrew his arm. "Can you keep me company for a minute or so?"
Keiko saw a glimpse through the crowd of the two blondes coming Jay's way. "I see. I can't help you with them. I don't speak idiot."
Jay stared at Keiko in shock, but she didn't seem too apologetic about her assessment. He secretly liked that, but didn't say so. "Just keep talking to me, maybe they'll think I'm busy."
"Jay, they would interrupt you in mid-cuddle with Zdenka."
"Nuts." Jay mumbled. He knew Keiko was right.
"Take my hand," Keiko urged him. She offered her hand quickly.
"What for?"
She motioned toward the far end of the room. "Zdenka just arrived. I'll get you there safely. Short people have an advantage moving through crowds."
Jay discovered that was only part of her strategy. The other part, as soon as the Wooster twins got too close, was to grab a random male from the party and push him in the way as a distraction. He felt so relieved when they managed to reach Zdenka...
...until Trickshot popped out of nowhere with that mistletoe hat of his and stood in front of Zdenka.
"What this?" Zdenka asked, confused.
"Nothing." Keiko deftly slapped the hat off of Trickshot, and then slapped Trickshot. It didn't seem to have any effect on him since it has been at least the third time already for him.
As Jay slipped away with Zdenka in the confusion, he thought to turn and thank Keiko, but she disappeared into the crowd already. He shrugged and held Zdenka's arm. "I'm happy now," he said with a smile.
A Very Parody Christmas - Part Seven and a Half. After Jason’s Part 6½ (7) and before Ian’s Part 8 by ag
Trickshot watched Hatman and Zdenka stroll off arm in arm and smiled. “Huh. Well the broad is better for the Boy Scout anyway. But where the heck did that short Asian chick go? She looked like she’d be a good time. Ah well.â€
Tricky reached into one of the small compartments in the straps on his chest and pulled out more mistletoe.
“Bingo!†He said with a grin as he saw one of the Wooster Sisters.
Upstairs Mister Epitome entered the same empty room that contained the wardrobe that the Juniors had entered.
“Strange. Everything seems in order. They must have left.†He scanned the only piece of furniture with his See-through vision. “What? Something is blocking my vision.â€
He opened the wardrobe and found nothing inside.
“I’ll go downstairs and get Harper to investigate this.â€
As the Paragon of Power exited the staircase Hallie greeted him. “Hi Dominic. Is everything all right?â€
He thought for a moment then said, “Glory seems to have run off with the Juniors. I was just looking for her. Have you seen Harper? I was just talking to him.â€
“And getting kissed by Amy too I saw.†She smiled and he realized she was gently teasing him. “Yes, Al is in the kitchen getting more little sandwiches. Have you seen Visionary?â€
“No.†Mister Epitome moved towards the kitchen without even excising himself.
“Huh. He’s got something on his mind, that’s for sure. I wonder where Vish is at?â€
Hallie checked all her camera and sensors that she had placed through out the Lighthouse and found her friend above beside the large beacon. He was sitting, looking at the shore.
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Hallie was not the only set of eyes keenly aware of where Vish was. Outside in the cold a lone figure watched him. The figure did what the figure knew was wrong, never the less the figure could not help it.
The figure beckoned Visionary once more.
That’s when the flash of emerald light revealed Hallie had arrived to speak with Visionary.
The mysterious figure, cast in shadow, left for another day. The time would come. Maybe a couple months after Christmas? The figure had waited this long after all.
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“So you’re parody versions of Harry Potter characters then?†Ham-Boy asked the red-headed, freckled Rob Vesley.
“Huh? Who’s Harry Potter?â€
“Forget it Ham-Turd. They’re obviously from some world where those books don’t exist. Don’t you remember Multiverse 101 and 102?†Fashion Accessory explained.
“That’s the one Amazing Guy taught? He brought his kid, right?â€
“Yeah. He couldn’t find a baby sitter for the youngest one. The kid melt Zack’s keyboard.â€
“Shrimp has style, for a five year old.†Kerry smiled.
Hermoney Stranger spoke up with her matter-of-fact know-it-all attitude, “Besides, I would not worry if Rob doesn’t understand. That’s how he normally is.â€
“HEY!†Rob complained.
Junior members Kerry Shepherdson, Fashion Accessory, Ham-Boy, Hacker 9 and Harlagaz had just gotten rescued by the robed Barry Hotter and his pals Hermoney Stranger and Rob Vesley and now the two groups of youth were walking over a rocky landscape.
“Alright dweebos, just where are we going?â€
“We’re looking for a strange portal that Hermoney located with her Find-a-portal spell. If we can get there maybe we’ll be able to close it.†Barry Hotter explained. The youth looked very troubled.
“Is it just me or does your friend with the weird tattoo on his forehead look depressed?†FA asked Hermoney.
Rob answered for her, “Oh he’s just down cause he misses my sister Gabby. They’ve been snogging all the time.â€
“ROB!â€
“Well it’s true Hermoney!â€
“Will you two shut up? Something is coming!â€
The kids hide behind a collection of rocks as a army of ogres marched by.
“Where there is a whip, there is a way!†they sang as they marched.
“What are those rotters?†Rob asked. As he instinctively looked at Hermoney.
Zack was the one who answered, “Ogres!â€
“You are quite wrong. They are NOT ogres. Ogres are clearly bigger. As it clearly explains in pages 512 through 534 of “Half-Moon Humphrey’s Guide to Strange Beastiesâ€, “Ogres are very large and…OUCH!â€
“KERRY!â€
“Say one more word and I’ll punch you in the nose again!â€
Rob turned his wand on Kerry and everyone could almost make out fire in her eyes. “You hit Hermoney! I’ll make you barf up slugs!â€
“Try it freckles and you’ll REALLY have fiery hair!â€
“Stop it both of you! You lot almost gave away our position!†Barry warned them.
Ham-Boy was relieved because the ogre army had left. Something still bothered him however. It was as if they were being watched.
“Juniors lets go! We don’t need these dweebs to find Glory and get out of here! Come on!â€
“Very wellith. Farewell my short robed companions. We mightest meet again.†Harlagaz announced.
FA created a few more handkerchiefs for Hermoney. “Hey, sorry about Ker. She has a hard time making friends.â€
“Are you sure you want to go it on your own?†Barry asked.
“Yeah. We’ll be fine. Good luck with that portal thing.â€
FA ran off to join the other Juniors whom had already made it a small distance from the young wizards.
“Guys! Wait up! I’m coming..UGH!†FA was knocked down by a slimy, smelly, wide-eyed thin little man-like creatcher.
“She has it! She has my precious!†The creature grabbed one of FA’s rings and did a funny dance.
“MY PRECIOUS! We have you at last! GOLUM! GOLUM!â€
“That’s my ring you slimy creep! My grandmother gave it to me!â€
“Ooooh! Nasssty girl’s nasssty friends are coming! Smegoul must leave!â€
The strange creature scampered off before the Juniors arrived.
â€What befell you my lady†Harlagaz asked.
Kerry helped FA up. “My grandmothers ring was stolen by some little creep. He talked funny and kept calling it his precious.â€
“That would be Golum.†Zack explained.
“Alright nerd. How come you know that?â€
“Hey, I’ve seen Lord of the Rings. Haven’t you?â€
A thin scarecrow of a man, in a bizarre collection of borrowed clothes called to them, “This way, children! Quickly. And beware the Jabberwock!â€
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To be continued in Ian’s Part 8
A Very Parody Christmas #8: What This Story Needs Is More Heavy Continuity and a Man With a Pink Sock On His Head by the Hooded Hood
He was a thin scarecrow of a man, in a bizarre collection of borrowed clothes. Even his boots didn’t match. One hand had a fingerless woolen glove on it, and that was the hand he was using to beckon to the Juniors. “This way, children! Quickly. And beware the Jabberwock!â€
“I’ve got to read more literature,†admitted Ham-Boy.
The Juniors scrambled away from the madness down in the forest and climbed up to the rocky tump where the unusual gawky man was sitting cross-legged.
“Art thou the villain of the piece?†demanded Harlgaz. “But say the word and we wilt smite thee for the nonce.â€
“That’s very tempting,†the stranger admitted, “but on the whole I’d prefer not to be smitten, thank you very much.â€
“So who are you?†Kerry demanded. “The Easter Bunny?â€
“Oh no. He’s taller, and has whiter hare.â€
“You do have some explanations though, right?†Fashion Accessory demanded. “Like what’s going on and why we just had to drag Glory out of a dog-eating rabbit hole.â€
“And why the sky looks like it was drawn by crayon,†added Ham-Boy nervously.
“And why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings,†barked Glory, still slightly giddy from her encounter down the rabbit hole.
“I have all kinds of explanations, children,†the scarecrow of a man agreed. “What kind would you like?â€
“If he calls us children again, that straw hat is going to burn,†Kerry muttered.
“Perhaps first we should try and get some kind of clue as to what’s going on?†Ham-Boy suggested. “You know, like how we walked through a wardrobe and ended up meeting teen-actor wizards and Tolkein villains?â€
“That kind of stuff happens in the Mythlands,†FA shrugged. “Apparently.â€
“Exactly!†exclaimed the stranger, holding up one bony finger. “Apparently this is the Mythlands.â€
“You’re saying it isn’t?†checked H9. “Some kind of VR representation? A holosuite? Psychic projection? Ambient ectoplasmic waveform?â€
“Hold it, geek-o,†Kerry warned Zack Zelnitz. “First things first. You, Oxfam man: What’s your name and why are you here?â€
“Good questions,†agreed the stranger. “I’m the Keeper of the Interfaces. Well, that’s my job. My cosmic office, I suppose you could call it. I did have an ID badge at some point but I’m damned if I know where I left it.â€
“Keeper of the Interfaces?†frowned Fashion Accessory. “Well you can forget trying to interface with us, you creepy perv.â€
“I mean,†went on the Keeper, “that it’s my job to disentangle things when realities overlap. I had a hell of a job last year when the Avengers spilled over into the Parodyverse. Good job that thing was never properly resolved. And don’t get me started on that Crisis thing. It felt like I’d never be finished.â€
“So thou art not here to be smitten?†Harlagaz checked in a disappointed voice.
“I’m afraid not. I’m here to prise apart the two words that have collided and got all jumbled together. You should tell that Visionary of yours to stoke up his lighthouse. It’s supposed to warn realities to stay away from the choppy dimensional interfaces. He’s not doing the job right.â€
“Sounds like dweebo,†admitted Kerry. “So what’s tangled where with what?â€
“And where does the wardrobe fit into it?†went on Ham-Boy.
“And will we get back to the party in time before Hatman moves too far from the mistletoe?†demanded Fashion Accessory.
The Keeper shrugged. “That depends on you, chil – er, young people.†He grabbed his straw boater and sat on it, just in case. “If you want to get home, you need to untangle the two realities for me. Then I’ll just pop you back in the Lighthouse on the Edge of Infinity and you can all have a nice cup of hot chocolate before bedtime.â€
“What century are you from?†Kerry checked.
“I like hot chocolate,†Glory noted. “It is bad for me.â€
“So we musteth find yon two realities and smite them?†Gaz suggested.
“He definitely needs the hot chocolate,†Ham-Boy conceded.
“It’s not a matter of smiting realities as finding the creators of these particular realities and asking them to stop se we can unentangle them,†the Keeper explained.
“Creators?†H9 swallowed. “You mean gods?â€
“Oh no, these aren’t that kind of realities,†the Keeper assured them. “These are quite local affairs.†He gestured them close and started to sketch with his finger in the snow.
“If there art to be exposition I needs must go and findeth something to wrestle,†Harlagaz warned, and stomped off down the rock a way, doing his best impression of a wounded deer.
“Look, Keeper…†began Zack, a little appalled at the low-tech teaching interface that was being used.
“Oh, that’s just my office,†the stranger told him. “You can call me Woodbend Windyway.â€
“And you admit that?†asked FA.
Woodbend pointed to his snow diagram. “Here’s your reality, and there are the conceptual realms and the mythlands. And this oozy patch of slush between them is the dream realms, formerly ruled by a nasty little blot called Frightmare.â€
“Yo stabbed him,†Glory remembered. “Yo said he was very uncute.â€
“Yes. Frightmare was filleted and good riddance to bad rubbish, back when the Dead Hell Lords were reminded to stay dead, around Untold Tales #196 or thereabouts. And their power was all locked away so nobody could grab it.â€
“Until Nats blundered into it,†Kerry pointed out. “Uhuna won’t stop going on about it. I don’t know why she’s so upset. I mean we let her keep most of the wedding presents.â€
“Also she’s dating DBS now,†added Fashion Accessory. “Which is so much cooler.â€
“Well, Uhuna’s, um, dating life apart,†Woodbend persisted, “when Nats unlocked and claimed the power of the hell-lords that also freed the power of the Dreamrealms, which promptly went off and claimed itself a new ruler.â€
“There’s a new Frightmare?†worried Zack. “This doesn’t in any way involve a new team of Hellraisers slaughtering us, does it?â€
“Of course not,†snorted Woodbend. “Not yet. Not this problem.â€
From down the slope came a sound of snarling and yelping, and a happy Ausgardian battle whoop.
“Nor is there another Frightmare,†the Keeper of the Interfaces assured them. “The Dreamrealms adopted an entirely different person this time. A sweet little orphan girl. In fact I believe Uhuna knows her.â€
“A sweet little girl?†swallowed Ham-Boy. “She’s not called, you know, Mad Wendy, by any chance?â€
“Why now that you mention it I do believe she is,†considered Woodbend.
“Hold it! We’re in one of Mad Wendy’s artificial realities?†worried Fashion Accessory.
“Do they burn?†checked Kerry.
“You aren’t in Mad Wendy’s new dream world,†the Keeper clarified. “Well, not entirely. Because you see just as she was coming to share her good fortune with her old friends like the Lair Legion and to save them from the coming Parody War and the awful fates that await them…â€
“Hold it,†Zack interrupted. “Horrible fates? Does that include me?â€
“You’re always going to be you,†Fashion Accessory warned him. “I’d say that was pretty horrible.â€
“Heilsa, boon comrades!†called Harlagaz, cresting the hill again. “Twas a snarling grimgjamgroth. And look what it was hunting!â€
“Hello everybody!†called Rabito, the purple though bunny dangling by his ears from the demihemigod’s fist. “Got any lettuce?â€
“He’s talking!†Kerry exclaimed.
“Amazing,†said Glory. “And you hadn’t noticed that I was talking as well in this place?â€
“Well, no,†admitted Ham-Boy, “but you usually talk, just with your voice translator.â€
“Rabito sounds a bit like Visionary if he’d had a stroke and was being played at 33 RPM,†scowled Kerry.
Woodbend shepherded the Juniors so they were standing in a circle a little way off. “If you could all just wait there while I keep on explaining, that would be very helpful. Thanks.â€
“So Mad Wendy’s dream reality came to get us but she crashed into another reality?†Hacker Nine summarised.
“Coming to get you,†agreed Woodbend. “It seems you also upset some extradimensional imp a while back.â€
“Eddie!†shuddered Kerry. “Ooh, I so owe him for setting my sister up with Visionary.â€
“Eddie set Vizh up with Sarah?†goggled Fashion Accessory. “Okay, hold the adventure while Kare spills juicy gory details.â€
“Aye,†agreed Harlagaz. “Wast it before of after we rescued them in yon Off-Central Park from yon pixies that hadst disarrayed all their clothes and… Oh!â€
FA was following through. “Hold it. Vizh and Sarah. Vizh and his adopted sister Sarah.â€
“Yeah. Hard to believe having two people that dumb in the same family isn’t genetic, isn’t it?†Kerry accused.
“So we’re trapped in some kind of bizarre amalgam shipwreck of two tangled and I have to say derivative realities belonging to Mad Wendy and Eddie the Imp, and neither us nor them can break out of it,†H9 summarised.
“Because we so want to get back to the world where our teacher is having sex with his sister,†Samantha Bonnington sniped. “Or as it shall henceforth be known, the Ozarkverse.â€
“You will be required to help separate Eddie and Wendy before they hurt each other,†Woodbend Windyway admitted. “And also before the resultant reality storm hits the Lighthouse where your mentors are trapped, causing all kinds of strange ripples in the timespace continuum. But right now…†and he pointed to the middle of the circle the Juniors were forming.
There was the distinctive ripple of travel through the time vortex and a pink-socked villain from the future arrived to take advantage of the situation. “Ha-ha! Now I shall…â€
Harlagaz clobbered him.
“So, Woodbend Windyway said, clapping his hands together, “Now we’ve dealt with the obligatory guest villain, shall we get on with sending you into the heart of the chaos?â€
Hacker Nine didn’t answer. He was more interested in the little ring that Wang the Conqueror had dropped. He picked it up and slipped it in his pocket.
“What’s that?†Ham-Boy asked him.
“Nothing. Just my birthday present.â€
“How do we find Mad Wendy and Eddie and untangle the realities?†Glory asked. “Do we really have to team up with a purple thought bunny? It feels very Disney.â€
“Do you see me doing a cute motivational song at all?†demanded Rabito. “Also, next time could the big guy holding me by the ears not use me to hit the villain with, please?â€
“How do you find where you need to be?†Woodbend Windyway smiled at them. “Do you really need to ask?†And he pointed down at the road with the yellow bricks that was winding away into the haunted forest. “Follow that.â€
Continued…
A Very Parody Christmas-- Probably part 9, but maybe part 10. Or really, whichever doesn't have to deliver all those things Ian promised by Visionary
“Here’s where you’re hiding…†Hallie noted, poking her head out the door. The stars shone brightly in the sky as the moon reflected off of the water far below. She shifted her image accordingly so that happy little puffs of breath formed in the chill air and walked out onto the metal balcony circling the lighthouse’s lantern room.
Visionary sat with his legs hanging over the side, leaning over the lower bars of the railing and watching the surf hit the rocky shore on the dark beach beneath them. “I’m not really hiding†he noted casually. “I was just feeling a little… dizzy. I even bumped into the walls a few times climbing the stairs. I thought I could use some fresh air.â€
“Yes, because the best thing to do when you’re dizzy is to go hang off a 300 foot drop†Hallie countered, dropping to sit next to him and look over the edge herself. “Adding the cliffside, of course. So is that Willingham or Parodiopolis coast down there?â€
“Actually, I asked the Shoggoth to explain to me how I could tell which was going to be which earlier this evening†Visionary said, then chewed his lip. “Come to think about it, that alone could explain the dizziness.â€
Hallie linked up to a satellite roughly 22,300 miles above them and compared coastline features. “Willingham†she confirmed. “And did you know you’re getting a little thin in the back?†she added with a playful glance towards his hairline.
“Really?†he noted, beaming. “Now that you mention it, it has been a while since Kerry used a term of endearment that included either ‘pair-shaped’, ‘cruller’, ‘lard’ or ‘butt’ in it. Maybe those morning workouts with Dancer are worth it after all.â€
“Not quite what I meant.†She smiled at him fondly. “Having a little trouble keeping up tonight, aren’t you? Been hitting the punch?â€
A worried look crossed his face. “No… I mean, yes… but, not the punch. It’s just…I think I’m having trouble… thinking. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.â€
“Uh-huh… If you’re going to serve up slow pitch softballs like that, it’s probably best you hide from the rest of the party. Lisa, definitely.â€
Visionary nodded. “I’m probably just tired. I feel like my mind is half a world away… and I keep daydreaming about the oddest things.†He scratched the side of his head. “Do my ears look weird to you? They feel kind of… stubby.â€
“Um… they look pretty ear-like to me†the A.I. admitted. “A little red around the edges from the breeze… You should really wear a hat if you’re going to sit out here.â€
He sniffed and huddled up in his coat. “I’m fine.â€
“Isn’t your butt cold from sitting on this metal?â€
“Yes. Yours?â€
“No. I just like to alter my skin complexion and color to something appropriate to the weather conditions.â€
“It’s very convincing†Visionary complimented. “Er… not that I’m starring at the goosebumps on your thighs, mind you.â€
“Thank you†she preened slightly. “I like to be accurate in the details.â€
“Well, in that case I’ll be more than happy to critique the grid pattern on your rear when you get up off this grating†he offered considerately.
“Yes, um… as an artist, I can’t be a slave to details if I’m to serve my own unique voice…â€
“So your artistic vision doesn’t include a case of waffle butt?â€
“Hmmmph.†She answered, resting her chin on a bar of the railing and glancing sidelong at him. “Keep it up, mister, and I’ll open a case of waffle butt on you.†She smiled and patted the patinaed copper railing affectionately. “Did I ever tell you how much I like your new home? A lighthouse. It’s just so… welcoming. He’s like an old friend… my primitive ancestry†she quoted.
“He?â€
Hallie looked at him skeptically. “You simply can’t call a lighthouse “sheâ€, now can you?†The holographic woman asked him in a no-nonsense manner. “I mean, not that I think your choice in jutting structures is overcompensation for anything, but still…â€
Visionary blinked and snorted. “Oh, thank you. I really needed that association in my mind.â€
“Feeling inadequate suddenly?†she suggested wryly.
“Well, it is pretty cold out here…†the Regular countered. “And I’m not just simulating the physical effects of it.â€
She smiled. “Fair enough. So give… What are you doing up here in the cold while the party’s heating up downstairs?â€
He sighed and considered it with a thoughtful chewing of his lip. “I don’t really know… I just had this sudden feeling that I needed to get the lamp lit… that it was important.†He nodded to the darkened room behind them. “We haven’t really been able to get it going since I moved in. Not surprising, I suppose… the shipping lanes haven’t used it for ages, and the Necromancer General apparently wasn’t high on regular maintenance. I just…†He opened his hands helplessly. “I just felt it needed to be lit. Maybe it’s a Christmas thing.â€
“A Christmas thing?â€
He nodded. “Every year on Christmas Eve my family would attend midnight services and we’d sing my two favorite Christmas songs… First ‘Hark the Herald Angles Sing’, and then at the end of the service, ‘Silent Night’. There were a bunch of other hymns in there too, but those two were the biggies for me. Those ones meant it was Christmas.†He smiled at the memory and scooted closer to the shining young woman next to him as he spoke with fondness. “Anyway, everyone was given a little candle in a glass, and during ‘Silent Night’, you’d tilt yours sideways and light it off of the candle of the person standing next to you. And by the last verse, everyone would be singing by candlelight. Ultimately, you were supposed to take the candle home and light it in your window to signal that you wouldn’t turn away weary travelers. To show that you welcomed Christmas.â€
She leaned up against him and put her head on his shoulder. “I like that.â€
“Me too†He agreed, leaning back into her. “But I can’t get it working. I don’t know why I thought tonight might be any different. I think the light’s just burnt out… which is a problem, as it takes a very strange bulb…â€
“Not your average 60 watt, huh?â€
“A little different†he confirmed. “Nobody has made new ones for 40 years. Even then, only one manufacturer did… they had to be special ordered. But they went out of business a year after the lighthouse was decommissioned.†He rubbed the back of his neck. “Even finding that much out was a pain†he noted. “When I first moved in and tried to get it going, I asked Enty for help, who eventually consulted Al, who consulted Lee…â€
Hallie snickered audibly, then covered her mouth with her hand when she caught Visionary’s raised eyebrow. “I’m sorry†she said, swallowing a giggle without much success. “But are you seriously saying you’ve literally tackled the question of how many Legionnaires it take to change a lightbulb… and the answer is already more than four?â€
“Five†Visionary noted solemnly. “We needed Mr. Epitome to first unscrew it and then put it back. It was rusted pretty tight.â€
She broke into an uncontrollable fit of the giggles which spread to the Legionnaire beside her.
He smiled at her, watching strands of her hair dancing in the breeze. “You’re in a silly mood tonight†he noted with approval. “Is that punch going straight to your artificial bloodstream?â€
“No artificial body tonight†she replied. “I’m skipping the desert table.â€
“You’re doing all this with your Holographic Emitter Drones?†he asked, obviously impressed.
“Nope†she replied with a sly smile. “Watch this†she said, snapping her fingers. Suddenly, ring upon ring of Christmas lights circled the lighthouse tower, lighting in a rapid twisting spiral all the way up to the railings around them. “Merry Christmas!†she said happily. “I chipped in some money for the renovations and had them rewire the entire place with cable that will support a holographic zone throughout the entire building. The shape of the tower really focuses the effects, with minimal signal loss too… I get the best resolution of anywhere on the island right here.†A brief flicker of hesitation hit her eyes. “You don’t mind, do you?â€
“Mind?†he asked incredulously. “This is a lighthouse, and as it turns out, some of my best friends are light… or electricity… or thought energy…†He kissed her on the forehead. “You’ll always be welcome here. I’ll leave a rather large candle in the window for you, once I figure out how...â€
“Yes… about that…†she noted, standing up and brushing her hands together. She focused on the giant bulb at the center of the intricate glass magnifying and reflecting lenses, and a green spark lit in the depths of the hand-blown glass. It grew brighter and brighter until a beam of greenish light shot out towards the horizon of the open sea. The electric motors of the lantern room started up, and the beam swept across the water in a silent wave. “There†she noted with satisfaction.
Visionary stood next to her and watched in admiration, wincing away as the beam swept past the two of them. “That’s outstanding!†he exclaimed happily. “That will do nicely for Christmas Eve, I should think.â€
“Longer than that†Hallie argued. “As long as my program’s running, there’s no reason that beam won’t be as well. I told you the lighthouse was wired to share the same veins as the rest of the island… I’m a part of it, or it’s a part of me… I guess you can think of it as an appendage of mine… a part of my anatomy.â€
“Right. So it’s like you’ve suddenly grown a…†Visionary paused and blinked. “Great… there’s another mental image I just didn’t need.â€
“Sorry†she noted. “But do you like your present?â€
The Regular put his arm around her and admired the view of the light sweeping across the horizon. “Absolute best thing anyone has gotten me.â€
“Really?†she said, shining herself. “Absolute?â€
“Well… I am fond of this year’s pair of fuzzy slippers from Yo.†He gave her a little hug as he opened the door to the lantern room, then paused as a thought occurred to him and frowned worriedly. “Is it weird that I find those slippers to be vaguely erotic?â€
Hallie considered it and shrugged, guiding him back inside. “I suppose it would depend on just how creatively you plan to wear them…â€
A Very Parody Christmas - Part 10: Trips Around the Lighthouse and Across the Bay by Dancer
I had this weird nightmare where I dreamed that I had to write this round robin chapter to follow on from Ian and Adam, where the Juniors were all trapped in this wonderland world caused by a crash between Eddie the Imp and Mad Wendy in the dimension chaos around Visionary’s phallic lighthouse while the Legion did their neverending Christmas party. It was pretty scary. And then I woke up and… it was all real!
But a promise is a promise, and I can’t set a bad example for the Juniors, can I? So here goes:
Trips Around the Lighthouse and Across the Bay
Amber St Clare: I’m not bitter. I never get invited to these things. I always get stuck with monitor duty and paperwork. I like monitor duty and paperwork. I didn’t want to go to their stupid wild lighthouse warming party anyway.
Doorbell: Riiiiiiinnnnggg!!!
Amber St Clare: Flapjack? Can you get that?
Doorbell: Riiiiiiiiiinnnnggggggg!!!!
Amber, spotting “Gone to Party, Letching Required†post-it note on Flapjack’s broom: Great. So now I have to answer the door as well. What are the chances that’s my fairy godmother? Nah, it’ll be another supervillain here to massacre me. *Answers door*
George Gedney: Hello. Could I speak to the Lair Legion people? It’s an emergency.
Amber checks him with a scanalyser: And who the hell are you? Who put you on the harmless visitor list?
George: I don’t know, but I’m slightly hurt. I can be very dangerous if I want to be. Like that time that young person stuck gum on the seat of a Louis XIII bureau at my museum.
Amber, reading computer output: George Gedney, curator of the Willingham museum, possible Asil romance interest.
George, perking up: Really? It says that? Did Asil type it in?
Amber: Looks like it was Hallie. But Trickshot added the betting pool subfile. Mmm. You have your work cut out for you George.
George: More than you know. I just called at the lighthouse to, you know, deliver a small Christmas present to… somebody. And it wasn’t properly there.
Amber: Yes, it does that, I’m told. It’s tidal.
George: Yes, I know that. I have a subroutine on my computer to calculate it. It should be there, but it isn’t. The lamp flared up in the tower, someone answered the door to me, then the whole lighthouse blinked, the lamp flared in the tower, someone answered the door to me. Again and again, like a broken CD.
Amber: The entire Lair Legion is in there, along with everybody they thought to invite to the party. There’s almost nobody I can call! Wait… *dials the number of Xander the Improbable* Hello, is that the master of the mystic crafts?
Answering machine: I’m sorry, but Xander is missing in a mysterious subplot since Nats’ wedding, but if you’d like to leave a message please describe the nature of the supernatural emergency after the tone…
Amber: What? He doesn’t have a locum service?
Answering machine: To fax your occult catastrophe press 1. To engrave a dark sigil of portent and warning press 2. To leave a dark prophecy of future apocalypse press 3. If your superhero team is trapped in a dimensional spiral reliving the same Christmas party over and over again because of the devastating interface of two reality-twisting lunatics please call back later. Thank you.
George: What did he say?
Amber: He said we’re in a lot of trouble, and that you need to climb the outside of the lighthouse and get inside that way.
George: Oh.
[Meanwhile, inside the lighthouse:]
Mr Epitome: It feels as if this Christmas party is going on forever. It feels like it should be January already.
Trickshot: Aw loosen up, ya grump, and spin the bottle.
CrazySugarFreakBoy: No really, all the cool superheroes have a mistletoe belt buckle.
Yo: Rabito is to be so hard to wrap in tinsel. Yo wonders where Rabito is?
DBS: Ah, Uhuna, have you, um, met Trudi and Jenny? Excuse me, I remembered I left the gas on in Guatemala.
Yuki: …reckon I could get MACH2 out of Santa’s sleigh easy, given a straight route…
Al B: …asked me to weld her dungaree clips together this time so she could drink all she liked without…
Lisa: …special trimmings over in my room if you’d like to come and look at…
Priscilla: …been a long time on the balcony with that Hallie woman, that’s all I can say…
Zdenka: …do not think Egg Nog translates into Candian…
Hatman: Never mind. Come here and try this other custom we have, under this little berried plant that’s hanging here…
Librarian: Marley was dead…
Mumphrey: Damn shame, poor chap.
Dancer: I wonder where Amber is? Didn’t she get her invitation?
Mr Epitome: It feels as if this Christmas party is going on forever. It feels like it should be January already.
Trickshot: Aw loosen up, ya grump, and spin the bottle.
CrazySugarFreakBoy: No really, all the cool superheroes have a mistletoe belt buckle….
[And through the wardrobe…]
Kerry: This yellow brick road looks much better covered in volcano ash, don’t you think?
Ham-Boy: I don’t know. I’m still being appalled by Gaz hitting that witch with that house. Even if all those little people seemed very happy about it.
Fashion Accessory: Are you kidding? You could tell she was evil just by those trashy ruby slippers she had on.
Glory: Could somebody please tell Rabito that I am not going to let him ride me?
Rabito: But you’re so cute, baby.
Harlagaz: Looketh. Yon road branches into twain, with a sign that sayeth “To Happy Skipping Pixie Land†and “Into the Forest of Dire Peril.â€
[The Juniors look at each other. All except Hacker Nine, and he’s trying to decipher the code inside some ring her found]
Kerry: Hands up any dweeb that wants Happy Skipping Pixie Land?
Rabito: Ooh. Me! Me!
Harlagaz: Methinks Happy Skipping Pixie Land ist too evil for me. But I couldst probably endure the Forest of Dire Peril for the nonce.
Ham-Boy: And nobody’s bothered about this other sign that says “This Way to the Death Traps?â€
Fashion Accessory: Hey look, its starting to snow again. I bet we’re about to be attacked by that wicked witch-queen we heard about in one of the early chapters. I bet we…
[And then all the Juniors are zapped into stone statues as the evil witch comes forward.]
Evil witch queen, to her sledgehammer-carrying troll: Boris, smash them all into rubble. Then those reality-bending idiots can never untangle themselves and I shall rule over all this chaos forever! Hehehehehehehehehehe!
Boris: Okay.
[To be continued…]
A Very Parody Christmas #11 - Now With Added Johnny Depp Voiceover by DBS
So Josh and Uhuna are under the buffet table at Vizh’s lighthouse Christmas bash. Just for a little bit of a rest, and to get away from the crowds. Also, Uhuna’s dress was a bit tight so it needed loosening, and so were Josh’s pants. Plus there might be a prize later for creative uses for vol-au-vonts and Josh and Uhuna need to practise. They take things like that very seriously, because they are very dedicated people.
Josh: “Ahhh ahhh aaaahhh…!â€
Uhuna: “Yes… oh yes… feed me…!â€
And that’s when that bizarre time-loop thing from Dancer’s chapter cuts in, forcing everyone to repeat their last few seconds again and again and again. Damn.
Meanwhile, somewhere over the rainbow, the evil witch queen Snoprah Wintry has just turned all the Juniors into stone, and not in the Lisa kind of way. She has a magic wand, and she’s not afraid to use it. She also has a troll with a big hammer, and she’s not afraid to use him to smash the Juniors statues either. But right now she has another problem.
“Boris! That large purple rabbit just hopped up and stole my magic wand! After him! Crush him! Skin him!â€
Boris: “Okay.â€
“What is the magic forest coming to? What on Earth would cause a big lopsided purple rabbit to steal my magic wand?â€
“Maybe a little bird told him?†crows a killer shrike (that’s a kind of bird with a dumb crest on its head). “See, I knew I’d be coming in useful in this plot sometime.â€
SWACK! That’s the sound of an angry witch queen thwacking an interfering and dumb-looking bird with her enchanted crown.
Killer Shrike: “Ow.â€
Now she turns back to the Juniors. “Hmm. No sign of Boris yet with the pulped remains of that rabbit. And he took the best sledgehammer with him. Still, I can probably start with a little creative chiselling.†She looks Harlagaz up and down. “Hmm, I’ll definitely start with you.â€
“Ouch,†says another voice from the snow. This one sounds a bit like Johnny Depp doing Pirates of the Caribbean. “Being neutered is no joke. Ask the vet who tried it on me. When he gets out of reconstructive surgery.â€
Snoprah looks down and find a scraggy-looking ginger cat licking his paw beside the Juniors. “Another comic animal?†she snarls.
Lisa’s Cat: “Do I look like I do comedy? I prefer to think of myself as an action-adventure type, really. Flynn. Eastwood. Willis. Lee. Bruce, not Spike.â€
Snoprah: “That blasted interfering talking bird brought you here and put you up to opposing me, did he?â€
The Cat, looking innocent despite the feather hanging from his mouth: “There was a bird involved? And it talked? Remarkable.â€
Snoprah: “So you’re allied with the wand-stealing rabbit then!â€
The Cat: “Depends if involved is a euphemism for ‘haven’t found a way of eating him yet’.†He looks over at the witch queen. “You’re standing on my territory, by the way.â€
The Witch Queen: “Your territory! I am the ruler of this land, you mangy feline! And once I crush these children into rubble the prophesy will be thwarted and I shall reign over it forever. By what right do you claim this place as yours?â€
The Cat looks surprised. “I’m here!â€
The witch queen spots Boris running back. “Did you crush the fleabitten purple vermin?â€
Cat: “Yes, did you?â€
Boris: “Not quite. But I decided it was time to come back when he figured out how to use the magic wa…†And suddenly Boris is a big statue.
The Cat goes and sprays him. “Now you’re in trouble, lady. It’s your worst nightmare. A bunny with a wand!â€
Snoprah: “Hah! I have many other terrible occult powers at my disposal, and I can still…†*Turns to statue*
Rabito: “Take that, evil witch queen! And now for you, Cat.â€
The Cat brushes his whiskers while Rabito zaps him with the wand. “Finished?†he asks. “Only I was hoping – pessimistically, you understand – that you might figure out how to reverse the settings on that thing and de-stone my feeders and petters. I’m getting hungry, and I’m getting low on annoying talking animals.â€
Rabito: “It should be easy if I just turn these little dials here on the thingie. There. No, that’s turned them to glass. There. No, trees. There, then. Oops, jello.â€
The Cat: “You haven’t the first idea what you’re doing, have you?†He sighs. “Why am I asking? You’re Rabito.â€
Rabito: “Feathers… Safety pins… Teabags... Chocolate… Telesales Personnel…â€
Cat: “Hey, turn them back to chocolate. I could probably find a use for them then.â€
Kerry: “Have you thought of changing your long distance carrier service?â€
Ham-Boy: “Congratulations on winning a wonderful free gift!â€
Glory: “We’re conducting a promotion in your neighbourhood and your house has been selected…â€
Rabito: “Wait, perhaps this button marked ‘Reverse’?â€
Cat: “You think? Could you hurry up please. I can see the next plot twist approaching.â€
Rabito zaps the Juniors back to normal. Well, what passes for normal with the Juniors.
Harlagaz: “I hast the strangest desire to offereth dream holidays in Ausgard to all that I meet!â€
Fashion Accessory: “Does anyone else have wet leggings and a strange acrid smell about them?â€
Cat: ………
Hacker Nine: “No! It’s mine! It’s mine! My preciousssss!!!â€
Ham-Boy: “Do I want to know why H9 has his hands down his pants?â€
And that’s when nine Dark Riders shimmer out of the, um, darkness and surround the Juniors, their big green-glowing swords whispering to themselves. Maybe cackling.
“The rrrriiinnnggg!!!†they hiss.
“The ring?†puzzles FA.
“By Elbereth and Luthien the Fair you shall have neither the ring nor I!†warns Harlagaz.
“If anyone wants me, I’ll be watching the fight from over here in this tree,†says the Cat. “You Nazgul guys can start the massacre without me.â€
Rabito: “Aren’t you going to save the Juniors again?â€
Cat: “Yeah, that’s top of my to do list. Honestly.â€
Kerry: “So… would you say you old dead villain guys were… flammable?â€
To be continued…
Kerry paused in her narration. Expectant faces looked at her eagerly, waiting for it to continue. Even those who were there and knew how the story ended looked keen for more.
It was the Emir of All Caph who spoke next: "And then?" was all he asked.
There was still a long way to go on their journey to Caph, Kerry took a deep breath and commenced the rest of the story...
To be continued (in what we can only call The Twelve Stories of Christmas Part 5b).
Al B.
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Besides, there's a couple other unfinished Christmas specials out there too.
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