Tales of the Parodyverse >> View Post
Post By
HH
In Reply To
CrazySugarFreakBoy!

Member Since: Sun Jan 04, 2004
Posts: 1,235
Subj: Does your secret service have a shoot-to-kill policy?
Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2009 at 06:29:59 pm EST
Reply Subj: Comics and politics collide: My troll letter to the IRL Norman Osborn
Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2009 at 05:00:59 am EST (Viewed 411 times)






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    Say hello to John Oxendine, Republican candidate for governor of the state of Georgia.



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    You might be thinking his hairstyle looks familiar.



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    For years, I've said that the Osborn hair exists nowhere in nature, but the Oxendine hair clearly proves me wrong.



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    And after reading Oxendine's Web site, I'm not so sure that he isn't a supervillain's secret identity after all.



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    Therefore, the only course of action left open to me is clear.






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    Dear Mr. Oxendine,



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    My name is ____ __________, and although I live in the blue state of Washington, I was alerted to your candidacy by an acquaintance who lives in the more red, white and blue state of Georgia. After spending some time on your campaign Web site, I can honestly say that your ideas intrigue me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. The political platform that you have articulated on your site truly makes me regret that I will not be able to vote in your great state's election next year.



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    The reason I am contacting you is because, even as a citizen of another state, I feel that your remarkable candidacy deserves to receive broader attention, on a national scale, and at the risk of being presumptuous, I would like to suggest a promotional avenue that I believe your campaign staff might have overlooked.



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    The acquaintance who took the time to inform me of your candidacy is, like myself, something of a fan of superhero comic books, and while it might seem silly to you all, he pointed out to me your striking resemblance to a fictional character with whom I suspect you might find that you share some common ideological ground.



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    Norman Osborn, a.k.a. the "Iron Patriot," is a superhero from Marvel Comics, like Captain America, and while the mainstream media tends to tilt toward the left, what makes Mr. Osborn stand out to me is how much he represents more right-thinking Americans.



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    In the comics, Mr. Osborn is an all-American industrialist who rose to a position of political prominence after proving his skills in the private sector, and in the stories in which he's appeared as the "Iron Patriot," he's consistently demonstrated aggressively proactive approaches toward both enforcing the law and ensuring homeland security.



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    And while the more liberal media often stereotypes Americans who adopt such stances as lacking in compassion, the stories in Marvel Comics have long shown Mr. Osborn's more humane side as well, by portraying him as possessing a deep and sincere concern for family ties, the welfare of young women and the lives of the unborn.



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    Plus, like you, he just so happens to sport a distinctively handsome head of hair.



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    Mr. Oxendine, while you might not be a comic book superhero, I truly do feel that you are just as deserving of the title of "Iron Patriot" as Mr. Osborn, given the commitment to country, the family values and the quality of character that you two seem to share, and without meaning to second-guess the considerable work of your campaign staff, I genuinely believe that, by highlighting the significant similarities that you share with your fellow "Iron Patriot," you could capitalize upon a unique promotional opportunity, that could very well gain your candidacy the broader national attention that it so richly deserves.



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    Your work suit might not be as snazzy as his, but I'm sure you'd agree that a flashy outfit isn't the measure of a real hero.



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    I thank you for your time and consideration in reading this letter, and I look forward to whatever your response might be.



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    Sincerely,



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    ____ __________



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    The part I'm proudest of is the fact that nothing I've written in this letter is actually a full-on, flat-out lie, so I've technically earned the right to end this letter with the word "sincerely."