Previous Post Dancer #48: “Okay, I’m upgrading this emergency. Can anyone think of any colours we could use after infra-red?” [The Scene: The kitchen of Visionary’s trans-dimensional lighthouse home on Parody Island. Don’t ask.] Samantha Featherstone, 13-year-old Batman wannabe: Alright team, prepare the emergency fire protocols. Kerry and Danny are discussing their relationship again. Griffin, Vizh’s invisible-when-he-wants-to-be-knows-stuff-he-shouldn’t 12-year old son: Again? We only just redecorated the living room from that last talk they had about Where Are They Going These Days. Magweed, Vizh’s fairy-princess-talks-to-the-animals-knows-people’s-true-hearts 12-year old daughter: Kerry just wants validation, that’s all. Daddy wouldn’t let her buy one of the new laser-guided next generation ground to air hunter missiles for recreational purposes and confiscated her polonium collection. She just wants to know Danny still cares about her. Samantha: Nevertheless, statistically when Kerry and Danny fight there’s a high incidence of property damage, multi-part plotlines, and world takeovers. Nail down whatever elements of reality you really want to keep hold of before we have another massive alternate universe story. Griffin: I wish they’d just get past the shouting part to the making out part so we can trigger the sprinkler systems. Magweed: My Mouse Guard report that they’ve just started in on If You Loved me You’d Not Hold A Few Burned Patches On Your Favourite Jacket Against Me. This is going to be a bad one. Samantha: You might want to get the Guard our of there, Mags. When Kerry starts causing random objects in the area to explode she isn’t fussy whether they’re organic or not. Griffin, wincing: Yes, but Danny’s denial powers allowed him to make it so that his testes never did actually detonate that one time. Magweed: Maybe we should intervene before anything really important blows up this time? Or Danny’s testes. Maybe we should send Lisa’s cat in there, give them a common menace to unite against? Samantha: Not a bad idea. Or we could arrange for ManMan to go and say the wrong thing with hilarious consequences. Griffin, turning round: Or we could answer the door. Could be that the Legion’s already alerted to the threat and put together an emergency strike team. [He answers the door] Dark Thugos, major granite-faced evil-planet-ruling conquer-the-universe-type: Stand aside and grant me entry, youngling, or die screaming. Magweed: Is that people trying to sell us religious pamphlets again? Only Hallie said we were allowed to use the taser this time. Samantha: Dark Thugos! Tyrant of the Sol Empire, absolute ruler of the hell-world of Apocalyspe, master of the entropy eyebeams. The Parodyverse’s greatest single abuser of Kirby dots. [She looks around for her school bag] Hold on, I’m pretty sure I had a protocol to take him down somewhere in here. Griffin: Hey, Thugos, I’ve got to warn you that pretty much every villain that ever threatened us ended up pounded into sticky goo no matter how tough they thought they were, and that right now I’m holding the self-destruct codes for your Apocalyspian blister-pods and I’ll give them to Kerry if I’m provoked. Magweed: Hey, Thugos, would you like a cup of coffee? Maybe a chocolate chip cookie? Relax guys, he’s not here to conquer us right away. He’s got something else on his mind. Dark Thugos: But it is not chocolate chip cookies. I will not succumb again to those will-sapping artefacts that distract from an unyielding hatred and contempt for all life. Samantha: So why are you here? And why aren’t the Lair Legion all over your stony grey butt and taking you down? And why are you carrying a box of after-dinner mints? Dark Thugos: I am currently pursuing my conquest of all reality by learning more about humans, as described in previous chapters. I am observing the humanity of Sarah Shepherdson to learn about human behaviour. Griffin: Yeah, Hallie-mom says we’re not allowed to appear in those kinds of stories. Miiri-mom says Sarah’s human behaviour is quite enthusiastic and her muscle control is good but she lacks proper discipline and the ability to disjoint her limbs. Magweed: So why aren’t you with Sarah, Thugos? Why did she turn you loose on Parody Island with only a box of chocolate mint wafers to help you? Dark Thugos: I am given to understand that it is Earth custom when visiting the stronghold of a temporary ally one does not intend to immediately betray and devastate that one brings a gift of inconsequential value and trivial import. Lo, I present to you the decadent and pointless units of nutrition so valued by your weak and indolent society. Samantha, taking the choccies: Um… you’re visiting us? Socially? [There is the sound of explosions from the living room. The kitchen door falls off its hinges, burning gently] Dark Thugos: Ah, a proper welcome. Bring forth the death-beasts that I may prove my might by destroying them. And then perhaps that coffee. Magweed: You keep your hands off our death-beasts, thank you very much. We don’t destroy death-beasts here. We ask them to help our with the washing up and laundry, while we sing to them. Samantha: Well, if you really want to tackle a death-beast it would be inhospitable not to let you have at least one. How about this mangy ginger cat that Lisa left lying around. Feel free to prove your might with him. I have sworn testimony that he’s an old softie really. Kerry, storming into the room: Well I can tell you this, Danny Lyle, it’s going to be a cold day in some part of hell that never been ruled by Nats, ManMan, or spiffy before you get to deny any part of my underclothing again, I can tell you that much! Griffin: Duck, it’s Kerry! Dark Thugos: This feline vermin is not disintegrating in my peerless entropy eyebeams. It seems to be AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Samantha: Yesss! Now if I could just find my plan satchel… Danny, storming into the room after Kerry: Hey, why would I want to deny your underclothing when I’d be doing you a favour ridding the world of such cheap tacky slutwear? In fact why would I want to do anything for you at all, you self-centred, immature, Irish-cursename-using… is that Dark Thugos trying to prise Lisa’s cat off his face? Magweed: I think Lisa’s cat is just being friendly. In his own way. Or possibly mating. [Dark Thugos creates a dimension-ripping Doom Tube and hurls Lisa’s cat into far dimensions. For now.] Sound FX Dept: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!! Kerry: Wow! Now that’s a big explosion. Oh, and I want it on record that I didn’t wreck Dweebioary’s kitchen. On this occasion. And wow. That was a big explosion. Danny: Meh. I’ve seen bigger. Dark Thugos: Daniel Lyle. Denial. The so-called son of the Hooded Hood in this retconned reality. Danny: Dark Thugos. Prat. The former so-called son of the Hooded Hood in a previous reality before the Hood wised up and changed continuity. Samantha: Okay, I’m upgrading this emergency. Can anyone think of any colours we could use after infra-red? Magweed: I’m sensing quite a bit of hostility in the room. And Griff, could you please defuse NTU-150’s toaster again. It’s gone into its aggressive defence mode and I think it’s spinning up its nuclear capability. Griffin: I think we need to prioritise, Mags, and stick with the real dangers. [He looks at Kerry, Danny, and Thugos] Dark Thugos: I have been sent by Sarah Shepherdson to visit with you while she endures pointless mating rituals with some spineless nonentity as some form of expressing self-loathing and a deep and abiding inferiority complex. Kerry: Shep sent you? While she was off dating losers? You could be here for months. Danny: Yeah, well, great to have seen you. Thanks for the mints. Time for you to go now, I guess. Here, have a free toaster. Kerry: Hey, you don’t live here, Danny Lyle. You don’t get to give incendiary toasters to people. Some of us might have very special uses planned for certain high-impact kitchen equipment. Danny: Yeah, and some of us don’t have patience for any more of your crap, Kerry Shepherdson. Now lose the attitude, lose the toaster, and lose the granite-faced reject and let’s see if we can’t get on to the hot and steamy make-up sex part of the argument. [He glances at Magweed, Griffin, and Samantha] Um, I mean the hot and steamy, er, game of Pictionary. Or maybe, er… Magweed: Buckaroo? Kerry: Hey, there’ll be no hot and steamy, um, board games for you, Danny Lyle. My decks are strictly off-limits right now. You don’t get to roll my dice. Dark Thugos: I did undertake not to annihilate the people in this tower on this occasion, but maybe Sarah would not object to me just tearing their arms and legs off and ripping out their tongues? Danny: Look, Firecracker, maybe we got off to a bad start today. Like yesterday. And the day before. But we can work it all out. I’ll just kick Dork Thugos out of the lighthouse, we’ll pop Mickey’s Christmas Carol on the DVD for the little-uns, and then we can go make out – I mean up. Griffin: If he tries to make us watch Mickey’s Christmas Carol are we allowed to take him down ourselves? In self defence? Magweed: God bless us, every one. Maybe we should go and finish off that Christmas Star adventure from last year? Samantha: Scrooge McDuck showed very little tactical skill or long-range planning in his dealings with the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. All in all it was a very disappointing exercise with little of relevant value to any ongoing war against crime that anyone might be planning and training for. A bit like 300. Magweed: Except that Scrooge acted better. Griffin: This. Is. Vizh’s. Kitchen! Dark Thugos: I was following this conversation up to the part with the cosmically-powered cat attack, but after that things got a little confusing. Danny: Hey, don’t worry. Just help yourself to toast and we’ll explain it to your charred remains later. Dark Thugos: Thank whatever meagre deities you worship that I am here under sign of truce and would have my Bean and Donut earnings docked if I annihilated you for your insolence at this point in my researches. Danny: Bring it on, buttface. You picked a real bad day to come here juxtaposing your dark sinister presence with a light-hearted Dancer story! Kerry: Don’t you tell him what to do in my kitchen, Danny Lyle. Er, in the remains of my kitchen. After a really cool Doom Tube blast that totally rocked. I don’t suppose you can do one of those again, could you, Thuggy? Dark Thugos: Do not call me Thuggy. I can open Doom Tubes at will, or unleash much greater carnage at my merest whim. Kerry, linking arms with Thugos: Really? And you want to learn about humanity? And my big sister didn’t let you go along on her date with her? Well don’t you worry big guy. You can take me clubbing and we’ll see what develops from there. Samantha: On the Richter scale. Danny: Hey, you can’t go out with Dark Thugos! I’d add a funny line here but I’m so horrified at the idea that I can’t think of one! Dark Thugos, smirking at Danny: Very well, probability arsonist, I accept your invitation to investigate the mosh pits of your undercity, bringing fear and discipline to the lowlies and uglies of your decadent society as we pursue your sister to engage in the ritual of the double-date. Danny: What, is it the conqueror thing? I can conquer. Are you saying I need to take the world over again before you’ll respect me? Just because he’s got a planet? Sure, it’s large, but I hear it’s got all kinds of infections! Kerry, sniffing: Take me away from all this, Thugos. Say, what kind of Apocalyspian arsenal did you happen to pack? Danny: You keep your hands off his Apocalyspian arsenal! Kerry: Let’s go, Thuggy. We can borrow Vizh’s Pinto. It’s not like he’d mind as long as he doesn’t know about it. With luck he’ll be too busy worrying about his kitchen and his bathroom. Magweed: What about his bathroom? Where is daddy anyway? He usually comes running with a fire hose when he hears the explosions. Griffin: I’d guess right now he’s finding out about the superglue Kerry put on various bathroom objects to distract him while she had her fight and make-up with Danny. I sure hope it was just the toothbrush dad used first. Dark Thugos, looking at Vizh’s car: That? I am expected to use this conveyance and not render your world barren for seeing me in it? Ah well, fortunately I have a number of Apocalyspian upgrades which can easily be added to make it more suited for my purposes. Kerry: Oooh, Thuggy. Let’s go! Danny: Kerry Shepherdson, you come back here this minute! Right now! Now! Kerry…! Danny: Damn. Danny: Right, that’s it. I’m off to conquer Apocalyspe. Mags, Griff, Sam, you’re drafted to the team. Samantha: But it’s a school night. [Thinks again] But I did have a few rough notes in case it came to this… Magweed: Poor Thugos never even got to meet the Doom Gerbil or the Woollygabbo while he was here. Griffin: I don’t think it matters, Mags. The world’s going to end soon anyhow. As soon as Dancer finds out what Kerry’s done. Danny: Not enough of a villain for her, am I? I’ll show her. I’ll show them all! Muhaaaahahahahahahaha! Vizh’s toaster: 19 18 17 16 15 14… [Continued…]

So Kerry and Thugos are double dating on Earth while Danny and the Brat Patrol are off to conquer Apocalyspe? I'm not sure which planet is in worse trouble.


Keep 'em coming!