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>
> "Oh, I can't tell you how I've been looking forward to all this..." April sighed with contentment. "It's all I could think about all day."
>
> "Mmmmm" Hallie replied nervously with considerably less enthusiasm. "You know... I really shouldn't leave the phone lines unattended for too long..."
>
> This caused the buxom newlywed to raise an eyebrow. "You're not getting cold feet, are you? Trust me... you'll love it." She smiled like the cat about to eat the canary as she dropped her robe and stretched her nude form slowly. "You've nothing to be afraid of."
>
> The hologram wasn't so sure. "It's only... this just isn't really my kind of thing..." Hallie argued again. "I've never even thought about doing it before."
>
> "Liar."
>
> "Well... much" she answered, blushing green.
>
> "It'll feel wonderful."
>
> "I won't "feel" it at all."
>
> April shrugged. "Then I'll feel wonderful for you" she answered with a grin. "But the bottom line is, you promised to spend time with me doing whatever I wanted for an afternoon, and I'm going to hold you too it... Especially after I had to spend an hour and a half convincing Dream that he couldn't be here to watch." She leaned her amply curvaceous form back and beckoned with her finger. "So come on... the afternoon's a-wasting."
>
> "Fine... but you better hope that a tape of this doesn't end up on Flapjack's website" the artificial intelligence warned, locking the door. With a thought, she transformed her usual grid-lined leotard into a fluffy terrycloth towel wrapped tightly around her body. "Good enough?" she asked hopefully.
>
> "It'll get you in the room..." April answered. "But to do this right, you're going to have to go starkers."
>
> With an exaggerated sigh, Hallie walked across the room and dropped onto the bench near April, letting her towel slip from her form as she crossed her arms. "Happy?"
>
> "Ecstatic" April laughed, her cheerful voice echoing through the Lair Legion's steam room as she raised a daiquiri in mock toast. "I'm a stickler for spa etiquette. I swear, for a gal who has total control over her appearance, you sure do have some hang ups about nudity." She gave her friend's form a quick once over. "Still, I applaud you for using your actual self image, instead of photoshopping your head on somebody else's physique."
>
> Hallie raised an eyebrow. "How do you know this isn't some starlet's body? It's in pretty good shape... Isn't it?"
>
> April chuckled. "It's not like I have the body of every porn star memorized. Yet." She grinned. "But while you may be sickeningly fit, your proportions are still honest. And yet you still have that rather cute birthmark on your behind to give it a distinctively artistic touch. Personally, I think you should put back on those extra pounds you had when you were human and eating everything in sight, but this is still adequately the "real" you."
>
> "I'm so glad you approve..." the holographic woman answered dryly, settling in for the steam bath.
>
> "I never disapprove of a gal willing to go naked. Call it a physical affirmation of the girl-talk code" April replied. "No secrets allowed. I'm demanding it from everyone who shows up here... You, Amber, Sarah, Kat..."
>
> "Wait..." Hallie exclaimed suddenly, clutching her towel to her chest and sitting up straight. "Katarina's coming?!"
>
> "Well, not for this particular session..." April answered mildly. "But isn't *that* an interesting reaction."
>
> The artificial intelligence flushed and warily leaned back again. "I don't know what you mean."
>
> "Ya-huh. You're just a model of serenity around Epitome's new flame." April snickered, then looked sympathetic. "I shouldn't tease... I have to keep reminding myself that you're still relatively new to the whole relationship game. Relax, girl... Every woman growing up went through this kind of thing in high school. You're hot and heavy with some guy in your circle of friends, then it's over and things are all uncomfortable for a bit, and then just when you're getting over that, he starts bringing a new girl around the hang-outs and everyone thinks she's the bee's knees, while you get to stand there being awkward."
>
> Hallie raised an eyebrow. "You went through that too?"
>
> "Well, almost every woman growing up does..." she hedged, sipping from her drink that held a variety of fruit, paper umbrellas, and big twisty straws spiralling out of it. "Anyway, I'm married and boffing a great guy now, so much of my psychologically-scarring dating life can no longer haunt me. At least I keep telling myself that." She put down her drink and leaned forward. "So, not to change the subject away from me too obviously or anything, but how serious did things get between you and the Star Spangled Studmuffin anyway?"
>
> The virtual woman sighed. "I don't know... We weren't really like Kat and him. They want to... protect each other, or save each other I guess. I think we wanted to decipher each other. We were both alike in being excited by a good enigma. So we circled each other, and surprised ourselves by how much we had in common, despite our ideological differences . It didn't stop us from fighting like cats and dogs, though."
>
> "That's not all you did like cats and dogs, I hear" April leered. "Well, cats or dogs, as I don't know that they're known for doing that kind of thing together."
>
> Hallie blushed yet again, but there was a bit of a smile playing around her mouth. "God, that was exciting" she admitted. "I mean, I was falling pretty hard for him at the time, but even so it still felt... dangerous... We both wanted to keep it secret... and that almost made it even better." She looked up guiltily. "Is that... twisted?"
>
> "Yes" April replied gravely, straight-faced. "You're the first woman in history to feel that way. You big freak."
>
> "Hey... You're teasing me again" Hallie noted. "You said you were going to take my inexperience into account."
>
> "Yeah, but have you ever had a conversation with Dancer? I mean, c'mon" the Rubenesque hero replied, laughing. She sipped more of her Daiquiri and then laid down on the bench. "You're a big genius computer with a body that can be as smoking hot as you want to make it. You only get to play so dumb, or so innocent. Besides, you practically are the Internet, and that series of tubes is extremely perverted. I should know... I contribute to it as often as possible."
>
> "Yes... I've seen the stories. Especially the ones you typed using my word processing subroutines."
>
> "What can I say... you have the best formatting options, and your built in dictionary and thesaurus are exceptional. Besides, you're much less obtrusive than that damn paperclip of Bill Gates' that's always asking if I need help." She smiled happily. "Plus a gal likes an audience."
>
> Hallie raised an eyebrow. "So that would explain the incident from last week?"
>
> "What can I say? Dream got a little frisky. You shouldn't be embarrassed. It's natural to be curious."
>
> "Curious? You were in the communications room."
>
> "We had monitor duty..."
>
> "On top of the switchboard."
>
> "That was accidental. Besides, we didn't expect you to come running..."
>
> "I'm wired into the communications array."
>
> "But still... I don't know how that button got pushed."
>
> "You called out my name."
>
> "There was a bit of role playing involved..." April admitted with a happy shrug. "It was all perfectly innocent. Honestly, if I were to try to get you involved in anything, it would be for making a digital version of Hatty that could..."
>
> "Yes" Hallie cut her off quickly. "I've seen that story as well. And Jay has already had me sign multiple agreements barring the holographic use of his image without expressed written consent."
>
> "Damn" April complained. She squinted at her bare, green skinned spa mate. "Hey, that sweat running down your body is a really nice touch."
>
> "It's not sweat... It's condensation" the virtual woman corrected. "But thank you." She looked back to the newlywed. "So why am I really here?"
>
> April Apple Alice considered her answer. "I've decided that you're a project of mine."
>
> "Really?" Hallie asked. "Should I be flattered, or start gathering cease and desist orders too?"
>
> "No... nothing like that" the other woman answered sincerely. "It's just... I looked at what happened at my wedding, and all of these incredible women stepped forward and joined together to kick that dickless wonder's ass, and it occurred to me what a remarkable gathering of goddess types have come through these doors."
>
> "Of the steam room?"
>
> "Of the Mansion" she answered. "Not just the big league heroes, like the Lisas and Dancers and such, but the Ambers, and Megs, and Maries, and Beths, and Lauries, and Amys and so on... Mothers, daughters, wives, girlfriends, students, aliens, gods, and slaves. And you've been here for all of it."
>
> "You make me sound old" Hallie noted wryly.
>
> "I don't know... you're a pretty old soul for an eight year old, no matter how perkily 20-somethingish your anatomy" she replied, rolling onto her side. "So here's the rub of it all... Out of all those women... who would you say was your closest gal pal?"
>
> This caught the hologram off guard. "I... what do you mean?"
>
> "C'mon... you're a genius computer, remember? It's not that tough a question."
>
> Hallie's face darkened slightly. "It's just... I don't really know how to..."
>
> "You know the movie "Tombstone"? The one where Val Kilmer made Tuberculosis sexy?" April asked suddenly, pushing herself up into a sitting position so she could gesture animatedly with her hands. "There's this great scene in there where a guy asks Val's Doc Holiday why he's mixed up in this Godforsaken vendetta instead of recovering in bed, and Doc says..." she drew a breath and affected a drawling Southern accent. "...Because Wyatt Earp is my friend" she imitated. "So this guy scoffs, and answers "Hell, I got lots of friends", to which Doc just pauses and then simply replies, "I don't."
>
> Hallie blinked in confusion. "Ah... yes?"
>
> "Well..." April continued. "I just can't figure out which of those two guys you are. I mean, hell... you got lots of friends, and everyone here in the mansion could count on you, because that's the kind of person you are. But just because you're like that doesn't mean that you're not a lonely, sad-sack, self destructive character like Doc that would treasure a real connection to someone... 'cause when I step back and look at you, you keep everyone at an arm's length, save for the select few who got through your defenses before you learned how to build 'em."
>
> The virtual woman crossed her arms in front of her chest. "You're saying I don't have real friends?"
>
> "I'm saying you have an embarrassing riches of friends, but you think for some reason you have to accept all the duties without reaping the benefits" April explained. "I know who your male friends are, but again, who's your closest gal pal? I've seen you with Amber when you're working, and you two get along like gangbusters..."
>
> "We think alike" Hallie noted. "It's refreshing to work with somebody who is that organized."
>
> "Right. So what's her favorite band?"
>
> "Excuse me?"
>
> "What's her favorite movie? When did she lose her virginity? Which celebrity would she most like to date?"
>
> "I... we don't talk about that. It's mostly work stuff."
>
> "That's just it... You only relate to women here at the mansion in an official capacity."
>
> "So does Amber!"
>
> "Yeah, but this isn't her home life too. Dancer, Ziles, Pegasus, Laurie, Valeria, Amy, all of the Lair romantic interests that come and go... You let them use you as a computer and route their communications about gathering at the Bean and Donut, or going out on shopping trips, or going to a show, and you don't try to step in and join them."
>
> "I... I don't eat. And I don't wear anything I need to shop for."
>
> "Excuses" April challenged. "You could at least claim that you're reluctant to get attached because you've seen so many removed from the mansion for good... and I know that what happened to Mindy and Uhuna had to hurt you. Dancer says you were really opening up to the sex princess, who was maybe as baffled about how to be a woman in our society as you were."
>
> "What? What's that supposed to mean?"
>
> April sighed. "I think, deep down... maybe you're afraid that you're not really a woman. That you're just some program that likes to project an image, and so you avoid them. You don't have the experiences of growing up, the awkward adolescence, the teenage sexual upheavals. You work so damn hard on that outward appearance, down to the "condensation", in order to fit in... and yet you're afraid of standing in the same room as your ex's new flame and letting people compare you two. You worry when you open up to a few minutes of girl talk that a stray comment by you will smash right through your disguise. And that's bullshit."
>
> Hallie angrily waved the clouds of steam from in front of her face. "Who are you to analyze me?" she shot back. "You don't know the first thing about me. Not really."
>
> "Well, that's why we're here, isn't it?" April responded. "Because I want to be one to get to know you... to crack that exterior and find out what's at your chewy caramel center. Just getting under the leotard was hard work, after all." She sighed. "Look, I've been pretty messed up at points in my life. I know what it's like to question who you really are. You are absolutely wonderful with Maggie and Griff... they think the world of you as their mom. And yet I can see that you're terrified that you're some kind of impersonator in their lives. Miiri has seen it too."
>
> "So Miiri put you up to this?"
>
> "Nah... Miiri just chimed in. As did Dancer. And Asil. And, um... Meg, Amber, Amy, Citizen Z, that secretary of spiffy's, um... Kat..." She winced as she saw the blood drain from the hologram's face.
>
> "You held a meeting about me?"
>
> "It was more a free-flowing exchange of ideas as people came and left the kitchen. Nobody took the minutes. See? This is why you need to join in for the girl talks." She offered a hopeful smile. "We considered an intervention, but I thought there'd be less chance of getting you naked for that one."
>
> "I don't need any..."
>
> "Girlfriends?" April cut in. "Not what you were going to say, but that's the issue here. You got lots of girlfriends. You just need to accept that fact, and you'll see that they all accept you readily enough. Your "girly" credentials are just fine. And once you can accept yourself, then maybe your rapidly changing, but obviously desired, roles in life won't seem so undeserved to you."
>
> Hallie looked to the other woman warily and took a deep breath, letting her anger deflate. "What would I have to do?"
>
> "Quit dodging the rest of your gender or thinking that you can't fit in. And hey, if you want to tell tales about how you rode a man of steel like a gal on a bucking bronco, overcoming the limitations laid out in "Woman of Kleenex", well... I'm your huckleberry."
>
> The hologram raised an eyebrow. "You are, are you?"
>
> "Sure. I mean, I offered to ambush you with this little chat because I like you. Plus I'm working on getting over my shyness." She stretched back out luxuriously. "But who knows? In the end, maybe it'll be Amber. Or Asil... Sarah, Amy, Muffy, that Tandi girl who gushes over you... maybe even Kat. Who can tell with the bizarre alchemy of girlfriends? The bottom line is, you're getting a gal pal, because you're not a computer, you're a woman... and you've reached a point in your life where, even digital, you can't dodge that any longer. We won't let you."
>
> Hallie considered it for a long moment in silence. "Would I have to keep using the steam room?"
>
> April grinned. "All the best gossip comes out in the steam room..."
>
> For all of her control of her outward appearance, the holographic woman still couldn't keep her eyes from darting over to her friend through the lazily rolling steam. "Um... what kind of gossip..?"
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