> #328: Untold Tales of the Parodyverse: On The Unwelcome Attentions of the Living Death that Sucks
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> 
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> Previously: The lush distant world of Caph was saved from tyranny by the rightful Emir Prince Kiivan and his best-beloved, Ohanna of Raael, with the assistance of young heroes from Earth. Now, as Visionary collects his students and returns long-exiled Caphans to their home, and as the new rulers seek to forge a fairer, better world, plots arise to murder Kiivan’s closest advisors and allies. But worse even than this, foreseen only by outlawed seer Vespiir, Caph faces imminent destruction from Galactivac, the Living Death That Sucks.
> It seems that the happy ending is over, and only death remains…
>
> UT #325: On the Return of the Juniors (and On the Return of Caph)
> UT #326: On Things (and People) That Go Bump In The Night
> UT #327: On Affairs of State and the State of Affairs
>
> Characters in this story outlines in the Cast List
> Situation overview in A Caph Recap
> Glossary of Caphan terms in The Caph Lexicon
> Previous chapters at The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom.
> Descriptions of our regular cast at Who's Who in the Parodyverse.
> Locations explained in Where's Where in the Parodyverse.
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> ***
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> On the News of Galactivac’s Appearance
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> “It is a sign,†cried Serooq, High Priest of Raathi. “We have sinned, and the curse of Zaahir is upon us!†He pointed at Ohanna. “This is what comes of allowing slaves to leave their proper station.â€Â
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> “No, what happens is if you do not get that finger out of my face you get a broken wrist,†the Emir’s fiancée replied.
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> The skies of Caph were made dark with the vast bulk of Galactivac’s hoovership. The Living Death That Sucks travelled the Parodyverse devouring the life force of whole planets to slake his terrible appetites.
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> “No,†whispered Hacker Nine, his face drained of blood, as he looked up at the writhing nozzles moving into position. “I caused this. It was the Hooded Hood’s plan, a trap for the Parody Master. I set this up.â€Â
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> “Actually it was me,†confessed Kerry Shepherdson. “I got probability powers off Dancer. She’s a herald of Galactivac. Her greatest power – apart from annoying the hell out of people when they simply borrow her underwear for essential scientific experiments about the flammability of silk – is to summon that thing. And I got tricked into using it.†She looked around wildly. “After all this time, I’ve finally killed a planet.â€Â
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> “You can’t blame yourself, Firecracker,†Danny Lyle tried to convince her, holding her in his arms. “It was a set up, like Zelnitz said. The trap’s just misfired, that’s all. Instead of weakening the Parody Master it’s going to wipe out everyone else.â€Â
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> There was panic in the court of the Emir. Slaves began to weep and scream. Some of the nobles joined them.
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> “Enough,†barked Prince Kiivan, ruler of the planet. “This caterwauling is ridiculous, and unfitting to the elite of Caph. Either act like nobles and slaves of breeding or go hide in the kroth barns with the field eunuchs and uglydrudges!â€Â
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> “We have to leave,†decided Chauncy DeVeux, would-be Earth ambassador, staring up at the unimaginably large vessel moving above them. “That portal those EEE freaks set up, we can activate the return gate.â€Â
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> “First thing Galactivac does when he moves into a planetary system is block all forms of planar transit out,†Kit Kipling lectured. “Doesn’t do to let your dinner wriggle away.†He looked again at Ambassador DeVeux. “Or slither away,†he added.
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> “He’s jamming off-planet communications as well,†Glitch the comms autobot reported. “We can’t send for help.â€Â
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> “Because there are so many people who can chase off the Living Death That Sucks,†snorted Fashion Accessory.
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> “So why aren’t we doing that panicking thing again?†demanded Falconne.
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> “Because we are the heroes,†barked Glory, the mutt of might. “It is our job to save everyone!â€Â
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> Kid Produce looked up at the bulk that now brought darkness worse than midnight to the streets of Alcaphia, and a thin smile crossed his lips. “Jackie, baby, I’m coming to you.â€Â
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> “We wilt struggle with yon planet eater for the nonce!†announced Harlagaz Donarson. “Doth anyone have a goat chariot I might borroweth?â€Â
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> “There’s no struggling with something like that,†argued Prince Laartros of Lartroon. “The only possible course is to take ship and flee.â€Â
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> “It worked well for you during the Thonnagarian invasion,†Vaahir of Viigo agreed with a cold contempt on his face. “But I doubt vessels will be permitted to leave this world now. The devourer is thorough in his appetites.â€Â
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> “You have to talk to the people, Kiivan,†Ohanna told the Emir. “All of Caph is looking to you. Again. You have to reassure them.â€Â
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> “Reassure them of what?†the new-crowned ruler glanced up to the doom-filled heavens. “What am I expected to do about that, Anna?â€Â
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> “You have to have a plan,†the girl told him. “It’s your job now.â€Â
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> Herbert P Garrick stabbed a finger at Visionary. “You’re supposed to be a super-hero, aren’t you?†he demanded. “You and those brats you train. So why don’t you do something to save the day?â€Â
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> Vizh winced, and not just because of the poke. “We didn’t get to the bit on the syllabus about stopping Galactivac,†he admitted. “I guess we’ll have to improvise.â€Â
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> “That was going to be my plan,†admitted Kiivan. As to how… clearly we need to either deflect, deceive, or defeat the Living Death That Sucks. What means have we of doing those?â€Â
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> “I don’t suppose you have any more of those Sir Mumphrey time-shifts?†asked Miiri hopefully.
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> The Emir shook his head. “I believe we are now forced to depend upon Caph’s own resourcefulness, and upon the aid of our friends.â€Â
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> “You got it,†Ham Boy assured him. “But what can we do?â€Â
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> “There was a device,†barked Glory. “A cosmic artefact designed to halt the Living Death That Sucks. It was called the Galactic Nobbler.â€Â
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> “That would stop him,†agreed Ohanna. “If it indeed nobbles.â€Â
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> “That’s the old school traditional way of stopping him!†Glitch approved, her orange and green chassis glowing brightly with enthusiasm. “Where do we get one of these doohickeys?â€Â
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> Fashion Accessory shuddered. “Is it by any chance hidden up in that planet-sized vacuum ship?†she guessed.
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> “I kind of thought the Nobbler got melted down in the Parody Master’s Infinity Forge,†worried Danny Lyle. “But I might be wrong.â€Â
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> “If it wasn’t though, if we could get it,†Kerry breathed in reverent awe, “the size of that explosion…â€Â
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> “The idea’s to just use it to threaten the big G,†Fashion Accessory told her quickly. “Not to actually, you know, blow apart a quarter of the universe?â€Â
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> “Maybe,†pouted the probability arsonist.
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> “So Kes is on a different team from the one that looks for the Nobbler,†insisted HB.
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> “We have teams now?†Falconne asked in surprise. “There’s a plan?â€Â
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> “Not yet,†Danny replied. “Vizh just hasn’t told us it.†He smiled villainously. “What is the plan, o glorious leader?â€Â
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> “So if the planet being destroyed is a sign of Zaahir’s wrath at the reforms Prince Kiivan has made,†Miiri said thoughtfully, “that means if Caph is saved it’s a sign he actually approves of them.†She looked over at the High Priest of Raathi. “Right?â€Â
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> “I do not speak to evok-hai†spat Serooq.
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> “She’s not one, though,†Shazana Pel noted, moving over to get in the High Priest’s face. “She’s a free woman. Which means if you insult her she can challenge you like a man would, and beat the living crap out of you.â€Â
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> “The person of a priest of Raathi is sacred,†Serooq insisted. “No man may harm him.â€Â
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> “She’s not a man,†Ohanna pointed out. “You might want to go sit quietly over there, your holiness.â€Â
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> “You might want to behave before your betters, wench!†snapped Troovis of Troovis.
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> Prince Kiivan hammered the nobleman to the ground before anyone else could react. “And you might want to recall that the penalty for treason is death, you miserable worm!†snarled the Emir of All Caph. His forced his hands away from Troovis’ throat and hurled the man at Guard Captain Jaan. “Take this worthless fool away. I’ll judge him when there’s less important things to cope with.†Kiivan glared round at the shocked and frightened court. “Anyone else want to say anything to or about the woman I love?†he demanded. He glared at Serooq and Laartros. “Anyone?â€Â
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> “I don’t want to interrupt,†Hacker Nine ventured, “but records indicate those vacuum nozzles have a set-up cycle of between two and four hours. If we’re going to do something it has to be fairly fast.â€Â
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> “I hate to ask this,†Vizh sighed, trying to keep the words ‘little punk’ from passing his lips, “but can you hack that vessel?â€Â
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> H9 looked embarrassed. “He’s got firewalls like you wouldn’t believe. Maybe if I could get inside, with Glitch to act as a conduit…â€Â
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> “It seems like the answers all lie aboard that vessel,†decided Shazana Pel. “We must therefore invade it and do what we must.â€Â
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> “Wrestle yon Galactivac?†asked Gaz hopefully.
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> “I guess we could at least try to talk to him,†sighed Vizh.
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> “Well, you are a diplomat now,†Miiri encouraged him.
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> “It’s what Dancer would do,†said Kerry, with a shudder. “And hey, I’m almost a herald of his, right? I could tell him it was a false alarm, that he’s got the wrong address.â€Â
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> “Getting to that vacuumship won’t be easy,†predicted Captain Courageous. “Even with the Heralds seemingly absent after our last fight with them there are all kinds of other defences on that vessel.â€Â
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> “That is what we have been training for!†barked Glory. “Now we must protect and serve!â€Â
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> “Does this mean we get another reward?†checked Falconne. “One that Visionary doesn’t give away?â€Â
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> “I have a fast Skree cruiser that we can use to approach the craft,†Vaahir announced. “Let us prepare it for launch at once.â€Â
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> “So Plan A is to talk to Galactivac,†summarised Fashion Accessory. “And Plan B is to find this Galactic Nobbler and threaten him with it? Those are our plans? Really?â€Â
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> “Don’t forget Plan C,†Kid Produce added. “Get to the vacuum-ship without getting blown to pieces in the first place and get past Galactivac’s unstoppable defences.â€Â
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> “Most verily,†approved Harlagaz happily.
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> “Those are the plans, yes,†sighed Visionary. “Also include the Plan D ‘don’t die’ plan as well, please.â€Â
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> “I shall speak to Caph, then,†Prince Kiivan told Ohanna. “And tell them there is one last hope.â€Â
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> “Is that us?†worried Ham-Boy. “Oh drat.â€Â
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> ***
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> Next: On Visiting The Living Death That Sucks
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> ***
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> Cast List:
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> High Caphans of Rank:
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> Prince Kiivan, Emir of All Caph, is the rightful heir to the Caliphate and liberator of his homeworld. He escaped when Caph was invaded by Thonnagarians, trained in different times and places, and returned just over an Earth year later having grown to adulthood to save his people.
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> Ohanna of Raael is Kiivan’s constant companion, and as the Caphans would put it “his heart’s desire and best belovedâ€Â. She is younger sister to the exiled Caphan Miiri, and arguably the most extensively offworld-trained woman of Caph. Although Caphans have no such custom she is now Kiivan’s fiancée.
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> Vaahir of Viigo is Caph’s greatest warlord, Prince Kiivan’s mentor and right-hand man in retaking Caph. Vaahir’s passion for the Lady Kaara of Jaaxa is celebrated in song and story.
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> Serooq, High Priest of Raathi is one of the religious leaders of Caph, keepers of tradition and morality. Now that the Thonnagarian invasion is over he has been able to come out of hiding to lead the Caphan people in right ways.
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> Prince Laartroon of Laartros was offworld at the time of the Thonnagarian takeover and therefore avoided the worst excesses of the occupation. He has returned now to reclaim his estates and stake his position in the new hierarchy of Caph.
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> Lord Troovis of Troovis survived the reign of Prince Aarmis by being alternately stupid, subservient, absent, and stupid. He sees a future for himself in politics.
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> The Lost Flowers of Caph: Nine Caphan pleasure slaves sold offworld to the Slimy Slaver Lovetoad and liberated by the Lair legion during the Transworlds challenge, now finally returned to the world of their birth. The nine are:
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> Deeela, a daughter of Chieftain Ytirar by Iliia the Fair, She and her triplet siblings are sometimes called the Lost Jewels of the House of Kelinda after their abduction by raiders on the occasion of their vina drea (ceremony of bonding) to Laamis of Laamis. Deeela dreams of becoming a bard like her tent-sister Losiira.
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> Sayaana, also one of three daughters born to the Chieftain Ytirar out of Illia the Fair. She is the best weaver and needlewoman of the group, and most accomplished at performing kelanath-sto.
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> Philaana, younger sister to Sayaana and Deeela. She bears a child of Prince Kiivan, Emir of All Caph.
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> Noona of Portaa, the older of two sisters sold offworld to the Slimy Slaver Lovetoad from the marketplace of Luutan. She is Losiira’s lover.
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> Miiri of Earth, daughter of Prince Kiivas out of Ekooria of Damaar, is the most liberated of the Caphan exiles. When she was no longer owned by Visionary (a fiction anyway for the comfort of the rescued slaves) she returned to him as a lover and bore him twin children, Magweed (Naari) and Griffin. Miiri no longer wishes to be owned by anyone save herself.
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> Odoona of Portaa, Noona’s younger sister, a romantic dreamer; she has an unspoken crush on Lord Visionary.
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> Losiira of the Nine Songs is the oldest of the nine Caphan exiles, and the only one accredited by the bardic college. She had now been accredited as a slave-mistress and house mother, and has been awarded the rank of mistress of the House of the Emir. She also carries a child of Prince Kiivan.
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> Luuma Swiftheels, famed for her athletic prowess, also carries a child of Prince Kiivan.
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> Kaara of Jaaxa, last daughter of a murdered House, was ravaged and sold into slavery. The youth who strove to own her was Vaahir of Viigo, and his exploits to escape and save her are chronicled in the Tenth Caphan Saga in Untold Tales #202-212.
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> Other High-Status Slaves
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> Guildmistress Keroon of the Leman's Guild is one of the most powerful slaves on Caph, heading the order which trains and accredits women of the leman class. In the absence of an appointed Vizier it is her role to manage the proceedings of the Caliphate Court, of whom collectively she is the chattel.
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> Zeela, Doolia, Aatis, Jemiira, Hooli, Fantiis, and Sooon, are seven slaves given in tribute to the Earth-hero Ham-Boy by Amaal of Ammalin, now brought into the House of kiivan.
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> Common Caphans
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> Koodi of Jathaar is a drudge, one of the menial class of slaves who form the majority of Caph’s population. Her master is Lord Khuufal and she lived most of her young life in domestic service in the deserts of Urendiir. When her Master joined Vaahir’s rebellion Koodi came to Alcaphia as a runner bringing arms and supplies to the warriors. While camped outside the city Koodi encountered the outcast seeress Vespiir and made a fateful decision that she knew would destroy her life.
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> Vespiir is an outcast slave, masterless and unprotected, for the crime of being a seeress. Only males may possess the gift of Raathi, and so Vespiir is evok-hai, fair game for any who would harm or kill her. She bears the Outcast Brand on her forehead, proclaiming her shame to all who see her.
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> Oloora of Kiivan is a drudge in the Emir’s palace, an innocent pawn in most holy Serooq’s plots against those who advise Prince Kiivan.
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> Kriije of Raael, formerly of Aarixus, is a Caphan leman – personal assistant and bodyslave – who clawed her way to the top of her profession in service to the traitorous would-be Emir Aarmus of Aarixus. Trained in espionage, assassination, and manipulation Kriije supported her Master’s domination attempts but was badly wounded in combat with Ohanna of Raael. With Aarmus’ fall Kriije became the property of his slayer, Prince Kiivan, who in turn sold her to his lover Ohanna for virtually nothing. Kriije is to be exiled to Earth.
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> Jaal of Kiivan is acting Captain of the Guard at Kiivan's Alphacaphia palace. He is a career eunuch.
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> Visitors From Earth:
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> Visionary, possibly-fake man and headmaster of the Junior Lair Legion training programme, was formerly the accidental owner of nine Caphan slave girls, including Miiri who later mothered his twin children. His yellow coat is often mistaken on Caph for the saffron mantle of a powerful lord.
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> Glory, the pooch of power, is a superpowered and highly intelligent border collie who works with the metahuman agent Mr Epitome. She is also the Junior Lair Legion’s teaching assistant.
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> Danny Lyle (Denial) is a rebel without a cause, dating Kerry Shepherdson. He is also the son of the Hooded Hood and madame Symmetry, the Shaper of Worlds.
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> Kerry Shepherdson probability-twisting pyromaniac, is the former ward and current adopted little sister of Visionary.
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> Ham-Boy (Fred Harris) is an alumni of the Junior Lair Legion. The world’s meatiest hero has the ability to create and control raw meat products.
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> Fashion Accessory (Samantha Bonnington) is a fabric-manipulating teen catwalk model, all-round valley girl, and member of the Junior Lair Legion. Her best friend is Kerry Shepherdson.
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> Glitch is a female Autobot from a distant galaxy, sent to monitor and protect life on Earth. She’s just discovering a fetish for human boys.
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> Harlagaz Donarson is the son of Donar, Ausgardian hemigod of thunder. He’s also a member of the Junior Lair Legion.
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> Falconne (Belinda “Lindy†Wilson) is younger sister of the missing-in-action legionnaire Falcon and has inherited his combat flight suit.
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> Captain Courageous (Kip Kipling) is a young British agent of Project: Pendragon, gifted with enhanced physical abilities and cursed with an absolute sense of morality.
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> Kid Produce (Jasper Stevens) was a member of the JBH (Justa Bunch of Heroes) until tragedy struck and the love of his life Jackie Rabbit was taken from him. Now he is a morose, brooding loner who retains the ability to generate any kind of enhanced fruit or vegetable from his magic apron.
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> Hacker Nine (Zachary Zelnitz) is an anarchist computer whiz from the distant dimension of Technopolis. He recently served an apprenticeship with the Hooded hood that almost led him to betray his friends to destruction.
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> Herbert P. Garrick (a.k.a. Bad News Herb) is the U.S. President’s Special Advisor on Metahuman Affairs. He’s not a fan of the Lair Legion, and he's not had good experiences with Caphans so far.
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> Chauncy Sidney Lancelot DeVeux is the US State Department's nominated Ambassador to Caph. He's from the Boston DeVeuxs.
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> Other Offworlders
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> Shazana Pel is an outcast Thonnagarian warrior who stood against her own people as an ally of Kiivan and Vaahir. Her grandmother, Pigeonwarrior leader. Her grandmother Ancient Shadara, last of the Great Eyrie, whom Pel slew in battle has proclaimed her next leader of the Pigeonrace.
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> Mircandalee Tremensalor is of the alien race the Dramaatis, the last survivor of her troupe after the Parody War. She now owns and runs the former avawarrior training ship as a star-spanning vaudeville theatre.
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> Aroth Kor is a grizzled veteran Pigeonwarrior sergeant now sworn to the service of Shazana Pel.
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> Yedo of Plxtragar is the purple-skinned ad-hoc ambassador of the ravaged pirate-raided world of Plxtragar to which Vaahir was formerly assigned as guardian.
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> ***
> Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2008 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2008 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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