> #327: Untold Tales of the Parodyverse: On Affairs of State and the State of Affairs
>
> 
>
> Go straight to Part One: On the Morning After the Night Before
> Go straight to Part Two: On Traitors
> Go straight to Part Three: On the Parting of Beloved Tent Sisters
> Go straight to Part Four: On Kerry and Mircandalee
> Go straight to Part Five: On the Proceedings of the Grand Court
>
> Previously:
> UT #325: On the Return of the Juniors (and On the Return of Caph)
> UT #326: On Things (and People) That Go Bump In The Night
>
> Characters in this story outlines in the Cast List
> Situation overview in A Caph Recap
> Glossary of Caphan terms in The Caph Lexicon
> Previous chapters at The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom.
> Descriptions of our regular cast at Who's Who in the Parodyverse.
> Locations explained in Where's Where in the Parodyverse.
>
> ***
>
> On the Morning After the Night Before
>
> The Juniors and their friends assembled slowly in the morning, several of them moving quite delicately and wincing at loud noises.
>
> “You’d think that a people who can party that well would have perfected hangover cures,†complained Kid Produce, holding a frozen cabbage to his forehead.
>
> “That stuff they make with those berries kind of creeps up on you,†admitted Falconne. “Pass the fridge produce, KP.â€Â
>
> Kit Kipling was freshly shaved and in his official Captain Courageous costume. “This is going to be a fascinating event,†he told them. “The Great Court is almost medieval in its structure. Kiivan’s not an absolute monarch because he’s bound by a huge body of law and tradition, but he’s the final arbiter of the cases brought before him today, and he has very wide-ranging powers of justice.â€Â
>
> “So he can, say, confiscate pleasure slaves off people?†Ham-Boy checked nervously. He was staying close to Glory this morning as if he required a comfort blanket.
>
> “I’m sure Kiivan can sort everything out,†the mutt of might assured him. “Although it would certainly expedite things if you consented to breed with those young ladies as they desire.â€Â
>
> Hacker Nine had programmed his data-padd to translate Glory’s paw movement and bark sequences to voice transmission, so the dog’s advice was broadcast to the rest of the Juniors. Kerry began choking on her breakfast muffin and Danny had to deny her windpipe being blocked.
>
> “Did you just say that some Caphan girls want to breed with HB?†Fashion Accessory demanded incredulously.
>
> “This is all a big misunderstanding,†Ham-Boy blushed. “All I wanted was a cup of coffee.â€Â
>
> “Yon Caphan girls art most hospitable,†Harlagaz approved. “And very imaginative,†he added honestly.
>
> “Hold it,†Glitch interrupted. “Ham-Boy, according to the Caphan ownership database you’re currently the master of Zeela, Doolia, Aatis, Jemiira, Hooli, Fantiis, and Sooon.â€Â
>
> “And all I got was this lousy t-shirt,†Kid Produce complained.
>
> “You do know you don’t have to buy them to sleep with them?†FA checked. “It’s all down to hospitality. Caphans are very free about these things.†She unconsciously touched the new earrings she was wearing this morning and looked away. “Apparently.â€Â
>
> “I’m sure Visionary will be able to sort out any problems,†Glory assured HB. “After all, he knows what it is like to suddenly own a number of pleasure slaves.â€Â
>
> “And look how well he handled that,†Kerry snorted. “Which one of yours are you gonna knock up, HB?â€Â
>
> “I don’t think it’s actually legal for a US citizen to own slaves any more,†Kit considered. “I think it’s a federal offence under one of the Constitutional amendments.â€Â
>
> “And you don’t have the possibly-fake defence, Ham-Boy,†Danny added. “You’re going to the Big House.â€Â
>
> “I didn’t do anything!†the world’s meatiest hero protested.
>
> “That wert thy first mistake right there,†advised Harlagaz.
>
> “I thought Ham-Boy was supposed to be the neoNats?†objected Falconne. “Now he’s the neoVizh?â€Â
>
> “Now you take that back,†Samantha Bonnington objected.
>
> “NeoVizh?†Kerry frowned. HB’s cowl began to smoulder.
>
> “The girls won’t lose any value if Ham-Boy mates with them before selling them on,†Glitch pointed out. “In fact it would considerably enhance their status in this culture.â€Â
>
> “If it helps, HB, you could always share them out,†Hacker Nine offered generously. “We’re your friends, and we’re right there for you.â€Â
>
> Ham-Boy reached for another of Kid Produce’s frozen vegetables.
>
>
> ***
>
>
> Koodi had managed to convince Slavemistress Juura that there was a better chance of getting fresh produce in the great marketplace than in one of the ad-hoc trading camps that had strung up around the capital. Supplies were very disrupted by the troubles and a lot of extra mouths required feeding, so food was short. So it was that Koodi was allowed to hitch a lift on the back of the covered wagon taking recharged magazines to her Master’s soldiers standing guard in the city.
>
> It was difficult but not impossible to slip Vespiir into the back of the wagon before they set off.
>
> The ride into Alacaphia was slow. Warlord Vaahir’s men had set up checkpoints at the gates, but they were more concerned with what was going out than what was coming in. There were still traitors and war criminals loose within the capital. Nobody thought twice about a couple of drudges in the back of a cart so long as Vespiir kept her face covered.
>
> Once through the gates, Vespiir slipped away into one of the alleys. Koodi called her thanks to the eunuch driving the wagon and jumped down after her. The two girls met up again in one of the sheltered courtyards that had not been damaged too badly in the recent fighting.
>
> “You’re in the city, now,†Koodi said to the ownerless outcast. “What will you do now? It’s even more dangerous for an evok-hai here, easier to come to a sorry end than in the wilderness.â€Â
>
> “All evok-hai come to bad ends, sooner or later,†Vespiir said. “It’s just a matter of how soon. But I have to get to the Emir. You have to help me.â€Â
>
> Koodi shook her head, trembling. “I can’t do that. I’ve got to go find fruit and vegetables for my Master. Somehow. Besides, you said… you said that if I helped you then my life would be destroyed.â€Â
>
> “But if you do not help me then Prince Kiivan’s life will be destroyed,†Vespiir replied. “Maybe all of Caph. I have seen it.â€Â
>
> “The Emir?†Koodi’s eyes were wide. “He is in danger?â€Â
>
> “Unless I can get to him in time. For that I need you.†Suddenly the seeress looked uncertain. “At least… I think all this is right. The visions aren’t always that clear, and this one is so complex. I see… all kinds of things I don’t understand. A great ship of iron bigger than a city, bigger than those warships that appeared over Caph. And a complete… void, waiting to devour us all. And… so many bad things, Koodi. So many.â€Â
>
> “I don’t want to die,†the drudge admitted. “But Kiivan is the future of Caph.â€Â
>
> “I see the future,†Vespiir confessed. “It is my great sin. I see Caph’s future with him and without him, and I see a future where Caph is not even here.†She blinked away the tormenting images. “If I have to die, I would rather die securing Kiivan for Caph.â€Â
>
> Koodi tried not to shake. “Then so do I,†she agreed.
>
> ***
>
>
> “Hold, slave!†called out a rough-looking man in dirty leathers. He held a short sword in one hand and a dagger in the other. “Who are you, and of what House and Master?â€Â
>
> Miiri turned from the ruins of the House of Raael and regarded the intruder living in its wreckage. “I am Miiri,†she replied, “and I own myself.â€Â
>
> “Outcast!†proclaimed the man. Suddenly there were others there, two, three more scum living rough in the gutters of the city. “This girl is ownerless and unprotected.â€Â
>
> “I own myself,†Miiri told them. She slipped a couple of blue-steel daggers from her chainmail mesh. “I protect myself.â€Â
>
> The raiders weren’t listening. They were trying to manoeuvre around her.
>
> “Is there a problem?†asked Visionary, appearing from behind a half-demolished tower wall.
>
> The robbers took in Visionary’s yellow coat of office and paused. But the Great Lord was unarmed.
>
> “This is the father of my children,†Miiri explained to the raiders. “He is the Lord Visionary, of Earth.â€Â
>
> “Lord… Lord Viisionary…†the rough looking man mouthed, his eyes suddenly wide. He began to sweat.
>
> “Yes,†agreed Vizh. “That’s me. Is there a problem?â€Â
>
> “Er, no,†stammered the raider. “No problem at all. Sir. Master. My Lord. None at all.â€Â
>
> “We wus just going,†promised another.
>
> “Now,†added the third, before they all fled.
>
> Vizh watched them scramble away. His face was puzzled. “What was all that about?†he wondered.
>
> “Your fame precedes you,†Miiri chuckled, sheathing her daggers again. “And now I have a happy final memory of this place.â€Â
>
> ***
>
> On Traitors
>
> Kriije’s chains were heavy and her wounds hurt when she moved where the blood had stuck to her dressings; but she struggled to her feet when the cell door opened, ready for the worst.
>
> It was the worst. Ohanna of Raael stood there before her.
>
> “So you’ve finally had sex with Kiivan,†Kriije surmised, reading the younger woman’s body language. “About time.â€Â
>
> “I have questions,†Ohanna replied. “And then I must decide what to do with you.â€Â
>
> “You must decide?†Kriije raised one eyebrow. “Not the Emir of All Caph, my lawful Master by right of conquest?â€Â
>
> Ohanna tossed a chit at the leman’s feet. “Kiivan sold you to me this morning,†she answered. “Your new value is one shekl.â€Â
>
> Kriije blanched. “I… I am an experienced, talented leman, accredited by the guild, versed in the ways of many cultures and…†Then she caught herself. “One shekl. About my meat value when my corpse is sold to feed the glarns.â€Â
>
> “About that,†agreed Ohanna. “The sentence for traitors is death.â€Â
>
> “Prince Aarmus was a traitor,†Kriije objected. “And he has died.â€Â
>
> “You were his leman, versed in all his councils. You helped him do the things he did.â€Â
>
> Kriije nodded. “I was his slave. I did my duty. A slave obeys her Master in all things.†A sly smile spread over Kriije’s face. “You always had problems with that part, didn’t you, Ohanna?â€Â
>
> “And yet I am beloved of the Emir of Caph, and you lie rotting in a traitor’s cell for selling your world to foreign raiders.â€Â
>
> The leman had to acknowledge that. “You win,†she admitted. “I tried to kill you and couldn’t. I tried to support my master to victory and failed.†She looked over at the de-facto Queen of Caph. “So what is my end to be? Must I beg for a quick, clean death? Or do you intend to put me to torture and shame first no matter what I do?â€Â
>
> “As I said, I have questions,†Ohanna repeated. “Only then will I choose what becomes of you.â€Â
>
> Kriije nodded and gestured round the cell. “I’d offer you a seat, but they seem to have neglected to provide me with such hospitality.â€Â
>
> “You read me very efficiently when I came in here, Kriije,†Ohanna went on, “I hope you recognise that I have been trained too. However good you are at dissembling for a Master I will know if you lie to me. And if my powers of observation fail me there are technical gadgets provided for me by the human Hacker Nine that will warn me when you deceive.â€Â
>
> “I understand. The truth then. Why not?â€Â
>
> “Have you ever killed?â€Â
>
> “Yes. I have the blood of seventeen people on my hands. Four I killed in combat, protecting my Master from assassins. Three more were women who challenged me in the Harem. We met in duel with daggers.â€Â
>
> “And the rest?â€Â
>
> “On five occasions my Master, Lord Aarmus, had me pass as a pleasure slave to bring a knife to some rival whose elimination he desired. Twice I was sent to strike in secret from hiding, using alien weapons that kill from afar. Twice more when I accompanied alien mercenary units to carry out my Master’s will and was called upon to end a life. The last occasion was when I… gave mercy to a slave who had displeased my Master and who was in very great pain.â€Â
>
> “And torture? Who have you tortured?â€Â
>
> “I have given discipline, of course, to Prince Aarmus’ chattels when it was his will. I am not versed in the torturer’s arts, though. I gain information in other ways.â€Â
>
> “What crimes have you committed for your Master, then, other than the murders you have confessed?â€Â
>
> Kriije took a deep breath. “I did the duties of a leman. Sometimes that means bribery, espionage, sabotage, coercion. But you have Prince Aarmus’ records by now, you and your clever Earth allies. You will know what I have done.â€Â
>
> “I’ve seen your files, yes,†agreed Ohanna. “And the ones they have about you at the Leman’s Guild. You’re very talented. What a shame you wasted it all by betraying Caph.â€Â
>
> Kriije closed her eyes. Her wounds were sapping her strength now. She was surprised they’d even bothered to stitch her up, unless they wanted to keep her alive to punish her worse. “Aarmus was many things, and traitor amongst them,†she admitted, “and maybe he was unworthy of the service I did him. But he was my Master, my only chance to make something of myself. I rose from drudgery to become his greatest servant. If I’d been born of a noble sire I’d have been his most favoured slave. I tried so hard. So hard.â€Â
>
> “You have many redeeming qualities,†agreed Ohanna. “But you betrayed Caph. You could have saved the world. One quick motion with your houri dagger and Prince Aarmus, oppressor of our people, would have been dead.â€Â
>
> “That’s easy for you to say!†Kriije blurted. “You were lucky. Yes, you were, even though your House was slaughtered. You were found and nurtured by the Hooded Hood. You became the childhood companion-in-exile of the Hope of Caph. Fabled in legend. Trained on a dozen glittering alien worlds. You were never chained in the dark, starved and beaten, forced to serve up slices of your soul day after day to a Master who never truly appreciated you. You never had to compromise. My life has been nothing but.â€Â
>
> “You hate me,†Ohanna recognised.
>
> “Of course I do! You’re everything I want to be!â€Â
>
> There was a long silence, then Kriije slid to the ground. “Now you truly have beaten me,†she said. The first tears she’d wept since she entered the Leman’s Guild as a callow child trickled down her face. The lash and the flame had not broken Kriije of Aarixus, but the truth had.
>
> “Here’s your punishment,†Ohanna said at last. “You’ll be exiled. You can never return to Caph again.â€Â
>
> “Sold offworld?†Kriije asked. “I won’t die?†Then her face fell again. “The Lovetoads,†she realised. “How poetic, yes.â€Â
>
> “I said exiled, not sold,†Ohanna replied. “You’re far too dangerous to belong to another Master. I’m sending you to Earth.â€Â
>
> “Earth? But they hate me there. I was with Aarmus when he tried to lead an armada to raid it.â€Â
>
> “But to Earth you shall go. With my sister. And there you shall serve.â€Â
>
> “Serve how? Serve whom?â€Â
>
> Ohanna squatted down beside the fallen leman. “When Vaahir made his errors he was sentenced to a far-off world full of need, to care for those who could not care for themselves,†she revealed. “It was a wise sentence. Look at what Lord Vaahir has become now.â€Â
>
> Kriije tried not to shiver. “My value is now one shekl,†she said.
>
> “Then you must add to that value for yourself,†Ohanna replied, “And you must find things about yourself that you can value.â€Â
>
> “Exile,†Kriije whispered, clutching her arms around herself where her chest wounds were aching. “On Earth.â€Â
>
> But there was the faintest unfamiliar note in her voice.
>
> Hope.
>
> ***
>
> On the Parting of Beloved Tent-Sisters
>
> “Well,†grinned Philaana, looking around, “Who’d ever have thought that our travails would bring us all here?â€Â
>
> She and the other lost Caphans were sat in the pillowed-and-carpeted luxury of the Emir’s harem, bathing and grooming themselves for the grand court. The sun shone through the opened balcony windows making the tiny fountains in the centre of the room sparkle as they flowed. All of Alcaphia was arrayed beyond the roofs of the imperial palace.
>
> “Certainly not me,†confessed Kaara of Jaaxa. “When I was captured, when I was sold offworld, I thought everything was lost. I looked only to die.â€Â
>
> “We all saw only fear and misery and death,†agreed Deeela. “And yet here we are, where every woman of Caph would kill to be, in the harem-chamber of the Emir. And three of us bear his seed.â€Â
>
> Sayaana lowered her hand over her swelling belly. “It’s like a fairy tale,†she admitted with a sigh. “I wish our mother Illia had lived to know of this.â€Â
>
> “It’s an improvement over the slave pens of Luutan,†contributed Luuma, “and over the luxurious cages of the Lovetoad. But sometimes I will miss the simple tents we shared on the shores of Lemuria, where we span and wove and sang together. And I will miss my tent-sisters.â€Â
>
> “Don’t be sad,†Odoona begged. “We’ll stay in touch. Lord Visionary has promised to get Lord Al B. to set something up. And if we need to… well some of us know of the writing now, do we not?â€Â
>
> “I know we’ll speak occasionally, and maybe even meet sometimes,†her sister Noona responded, “but we will never be together again like this, will we? We cannot be, because life pulls us in different ways.â€Â
>
> “It is the way of the world,†Losiira said, stroking Noona’s head on her lap. “Calls of motherhood, of duty, of destiny, of love will have their way with us. Nothing is forever, no fellowship, no relationship. All is shifting as the sands. But as long as we remember in our hearts we will always be tent-sisters.â€Â
>
> “What will become of us, though?†worried Sayaana. “Our lives have changed so much from what we expected. My sisters and I looked to be owned by Lord Laarmis. Now two of us are chattels of the Emir and the third turns to distant Earth and the calling of the bard. Miiri was the property of Lord Aarmus but gifted Lord Visionary with her children and now she owns herself. And little Kaara looks to surpass all of us in story and song if her Lord Vaahir pays the Shoggoth’s price for her.â€Â
>
> Kaara blushed. “Lord Vaahir has given me to believe that he still wishes to own me,†she admitted.
>
> “So you described,†giggled Philaana. “A pleasure slave cannot help but be encouraged by such fervent convincing. And so many times.â€Â
>
> “I will miss the men of Earth,†Luuma mused. “Untutored but vigorous. So grateful and so surprised,.â€Â
>
> “Lord Joshua,†Deela smiled. Everyone giggled.
>
> “At least Odoona is returning back there,†Noona noted slyly. “Perhaps she hopes for another taste of Earthman? Who had you in mind, little sister?â€Â
>
> Odoona poked her tongue at her sibling.
>
> “It is almost time for the court,†noted Losiira, hearing the gong, “and Philaana, Sayaana, Noona, Luuma and I are high women of this House now, so we must go and welcome the guests. Is everybody nearly ready?â€Â
>
> Miiri had to grin at the familiar question. “We’re all gorgeous, Losiira. We won’t shame Kiivan or you. But before we go, let’s just take a moment. As Noona says, this is the last time we will ever sit together as true tent-sisters, before we go to our new roles, to different adventures. Let us remember each other and our fellowship, which has endured pain and sorrow and uncertainty to this happy hour, and store that in our souls forever.â€Â
>
> Nine Caphans, no longer exiled, sat together basking under the morning sun of Caph, in the palace of the Emir, famed in song and story; and they were content.
>
> ***
>
> On Mircandalee and Kerry
>
> Mircandalee Tremensalor stood on a balcony of one of the palace’s guest suites and looked out over the city. Away across the courtyard she could see the nine Caphans she’d ferried from Earth preparing for the day’s events.
>
> Somebody jangled the chain of tiny symbols on the other side of the curtain of crystals that passed as a doorway here on Caph. It was the equivalent of ringing to doorbell. “Mircandalee? You in there?â€Â
>
> “Kerry. Come on in.†The Dramaatis moved from the window. “I was just admiring this wonderful planet.†She wrinkled her nose up in a cute little grin. “Every planet’s wonderful now I’m not an Avawarrior comfort woman,†she admitted.
>
> “Yeah, I can imagine,†Kerry Shepherdson agreed, moving into the room. “I was nearly there myself, if you remember.†The young actress and the probability arsonist had met under very difficult circumstances on the torture deck of the Bloody Genocide. “If not for Danny…â€Â
>
> “Ah, Mister Danny Lyle,†smiled Mircandalee. “It was nice to meet him properly on the journey here. And for him to be not dead, which rather surprised me.â€Â
>
> “Long story,†Kerry glossed, “but the short version is he decided he’d prefer to come back for a booty call.â€Â
>
> “So I heard last night,†Mircandalee confessed. “These Caphans don’t seem to worry about personal privacy much. In fact I think the acoustics are designed to amplify that kind of thing.â€Â
>
> “So how about you? These Caphs are pretty interested in hot offworld chicks, it seems.â€Â
>
> The Dramaatis shook her head. “It’s still too soon,†she answered. “I was captive of the Avawarriors for nearly six months. It’ll be a while and a very special person before I want to take someone else to bed with me. Someone as special to me as Danny is to you. Then I’ll make some noise.â€Â
>
> Kerry suddenly looked a little alarmed. “The, um the echoes? Did Visionary…?â€Â
>
> “Your – brother is it? – is in the even-more-luxury suites in the other wing,†the Dramaatis assured her. “But really, I think he deserves to know that you’ve found the man of your heart.â€Â
>
> “Yeah. That’s on my to-do list. You know Vizh has a history of coronaries, don’t you?â€Â
>
> “You can’t still be sneaking about with Danny when you’re both forty.â€Â
>
> “Maybe Vizh will be dead by then,†Kerry considered. “Enough people want to kill him.†She paused. “Besides, it’s not like we’re that close any more. He’s moved on. He’s got Miiri and Magweed and Griffin and Hallie and all that. He doesn’t need me being a drag at the party.â€Â
>
> “Stop that!†said Mircandalee sharply. “Of course he needs you, and he wants you.†She tossed a glossy brochure over at her visitor. “Look at that.â€Â
>
> The colourful cover proclaimed Mircandalee Tremensalor’s Interplantary Vaudeville and Light Opera Company, coming soon to a Planet Near You! “It’s great,†agreed Kerry. “I’m really happy you were able to salvage that old warship and turn it into something useful. You’ve got it decked out really nice, too, kind of like an old Earth cinema or something…â€Â
>
> “It is nice,†the Dramaatis agreed. “It’s wonderful, everything I ever dreamed of owning and running. People are coming from all over the quadrant to join the company and we’ve bookings from Prospectis to J’Rondrus to Skelvis to the Reticulum Matrix – helped quite a bit by a command performance to the Emir of All Caph. We’re even doing a short season at Yo-Planet. But do you know the first thing that comes into my head every time I think about it?â€Â
>
> “What?â€Â
>
> “I want to tell my family. My troupe. I want to share the good news with them.†Mircandalee’s face fell. “But I have no family left. All my troupe were killed by the Avawarriors. I’m all that remains of our whole company. Just me.â€Â
>
> “I’m sorry, Mircandalee,†said Kerry. “I don’t know what else to say. I could get Vizh to talk to you, or maybe Miiri. Or I could fetch Glory for you to hug.â€Â
>
> The Dramaatis shook her head. “I’m fine. I’ve dedicated the bar to Ringmaster Fendergard. He’d have loved that. And some of the business in act two, that’s straight from Vanselam and Andalar, as a tribute to them. That company, my family, will never be forgotten, not while my show’s amongst the stars. But I still miss them. I wish they were still with me, to share my good fortune. That’s what I’m saying.â€Â
>
> “So you’re saying that I should value Feebo…â€Â
>
> “I’m saying that you do value Visionary. That you love him and need him, as he does you. You’re just unsure now that things have changed. You need reassurance that he still cares about you, and being you you have no idea how to ask for it.â€Â
>
> “Hey!†objected Kerry.
>
> “Showfolk!†Mircandallee called, holding up her hands in surrender. “We’re allowed to say the stuff other people can’t. The Fool’s ancient privilege. And I’m telling you, you need to talk with your big brother. You’ll both be happier for it.â€Â
>
> “Me and Vizh, talk?†Kerry snorted. “We only ever really connect when one of us has screwed up to epic levels or the world’s about to end. Or both.â€Â
>
> “Be careful what you wish for,†Mircandalee said superstitiously.
>
> ***
>
> On the Proceedings of the Grand Court
>
> The eyes of Caph were on Prince Kiivan when he mounted the restored Throne of Caliphs to begin the Grand Court. Many of those eyes widened in surprise when Lady Ohanna sat right next to him; not at his feet, but beside him as an equal.
>
> “Yep, the new days start here,†Glitch approved.
>
> The Caliphate Courtroom had been hastily refurbished after the recent troubles. New drapes covered old scorch marks on the high circular room. The ornate glass dome had not yet been replaced, so the hemispherical cupola was open to the sky. But the Caphans who attended more than made up for the simplicity of the setting. Three hundred or more nobles of Caph, each attended by two or three slaves, crowded into the chamber, arrayed in their finest attire; glittering gems and rare furs and exotic feathers abounded. The room was heady with rich perfumes and rare body oils.
>
> “This Grand Court is now in session,†called Guildmistress Keroon of the Leman’s Guild. She held the Sceptre of Korrvis high above her head then hammered it to the ground with all her strength. The Courtroom fell silent.
>
> And then there was a shout. “I do not recognise this pretender to the throne!†thundered Prince Laartoon of Laatros. “Kiivan was a child, not even three when he fled from the Pigeonmen. He likely died a sad miserable death in some dark alley within hours of the coup. This is an alien impostor seeking to rule over us! I challenge him for the right to be Emir!â€Â
>
> “So do I!†shouted Troovis of Troovis.
>
> “And I!†added Chaliis of Chaliim. After all, if the throne was open to the taking by simply gutting a boy-king…
>
> Kiivan glanced at Ohanna, and she ticked something off on a list.
>
> “These are serious charges,†the Emir noted. “And serious challenges, of course. The scholars have examined my claims, tested my lineage by science and mysticism, and have pronounced themselves satisfied. But if you are not, then by all means let us test this by the ancient ways.â€Â
>
> Troovis allowed a small smile to cross his oiled bearded face. “Yes.â€Â
>
> Kiivan gestured. “My champion stands forth,†he said as Harlagaz Donarson stepped before the court. “Which of you will face him first?â€Â
>
> Gaz cracked his knuckles and smiled encouragingly. “I hast not battled with a foe for nigh on a day now,†he confided. “I wast beginning to get rusty.â€Â
>
> “Nobody fights anybody!†Lindy Wilson objected. “Not till I get to place some bets.â€Â
>
> Troovis looked at the Ausgardian warrior and a horrible look of realisation crossed his face. His green skin turned puce. “Him? But… he is an offworlder.â€Â
>
> “He’s an honorary Caphan,†Ohanna assured the challenger. “It’s in the records.â€Â
>
> “Now,†added Hacker Nine under his breath.
>
> Harlagaz gestured with his fingertips for his attackers to begin. “Thou canst all come at once if it helpeth,†he offered generously.
>
> “Or perhaps you’d prefer to examine the evidence of the scholars and seers again?†offered Kiivan.
>
> “That… might be helpful,†agreed Troovis. “Yes.â€Â
>
> “So you withdraw your challenge?†Ohanna persisted.
>
> “Nay!†objected Gaz.
>
> “Yes,†agreed Troovis quickly. This was but the first gambit. The others joined in a chorus of assent.
>
> “Then we can get on with the next business,†Kiivan noted with satisfaction. “Lady Keroon?â€Â
>
> “He really did get trained by the Hooded Hood, didn’t he?†whispered Kerry.
>
> ***
>
> The ambassadors and envoys from a hundred foreign worlds filled the court. Many were familiar to Visionary and the Juniors from the Parody War. A few looked strange even to their eyes, although Glitch could identify more.
>
> “So he’s really composed of nothing but gas,†Kerry marvelled at the Torkh diplomat. “Flammable gas?â€Â
>
> Danny laid a restraining hand on her shoulder. “Try not to detonate the diplomats, Firecracker,†he urged. “Remember what your big brother said.â€Â
>
> “He also said I wasn’t supposed to kiss boys,†the probability arsonist shot back, “but I didn’t hear any objections from you last night as we worked down pretty much the whole list of things I’m not supposed to do with them.â€Â
>
> “Pretty much?†Danny raised an eyebrow. “What did we miss out?â€Â
>
> “I didn’t borrow money from you and I didn’t set fire to your body hair. Yet.â€Â
>
> The diplomats weren’t all of senior rank. Caph IX was a fairly minor world, after all, and the aftermath of the Parody War had kept many senior politicians very busy addressing issues of compensation and territory. Visionary was surprised to spot Herbert P. Garrick in the receiving line, along with a well-dressed middle-aged man he didn’t recognise.
>
> “What are you doing here?†the possibly-fake man asked Bad News Herb, the President’s Special Advisor on Metahuman Affairs. “More importantly, how are you here?â€Â
>
> “A very expensive contract with Extraordinary Endeavour Enterprises,†spat Garrick. “Including some substantial zoning leeway about keeping proton accelerators in a built up hemisphere.†He gestured to the man next to him. “This is Chauncy DeVeux, of the Diplomatic Corps. He’s the Secretary of State’s choice for ambassador to Caph.â€Â
>
> DeVeux looked at Visionary as if he was some new and repugnant social disease. “Yes. So I would very much appreciate it if you were to absent yourself from future meetings with the Emir. We do not want him getting mixed messages from Earth. Or confused information.†He looked the possibly-fake man up and down. “Or just confused.â€Â
>
> Vizh looked at Garrick. “Wow. Looks like you’re going to have to really work for your title as biggest %$£*&% in government!â€Â
>
> But just then there was a disturbance at the front of the queue as Kit Kipling cut into the line, apologising politely to the J’Rondri ambassador but firmly stepping up to address Prince Kiivan.
>
> “Sorry to butt in, your eminence, but there’s something I’ve got to say at this point,†Captain Courageous called out. Denial watched him carefully.
>
> “Say it,†urged the Emir of All Caph, halting with a gesture the guards sent by Guildmistrees Keroon.
>
> Kip swallowed hard. “Well… I’m ordered by my government – by someone in my government – to try and use our friendship to set up an exclusive trade agreement between Caph and the United Kingdom. I’m supposed to convince you because I helped liberate Caph a little bit. But that’s not what I want to say.â€Â
>
> Ohanna leaned forward, reading the conflicting emotions coursing through the young hero.
>
> “My country’s not like that,†Kip argued. “Not really. We have our idiots and our bastards, if you’ll pardon the word, like everybody else. But we’re not like that. We’re not about pretending to be your friend to get money from you then setting up a spy ring to get an advantage. Or we shouldn’t be. We’re loyal to our friends even as we stand up to our enemies. Everyone should be.â€Â
>
> “They should,†barked Glory, her tail wagging.
>
> “What is that young idiot doing?†Garrick exploded. “We're supposed to set up an exclusive US/Caph trade agreement! He’s wrecking everything!â€Â
>
> “He’s representing Earth,†Visionary answered. “I’m thinking of grading him quite highly.â€Â
>
> “Stop him!†DeVeux commanded. “Stop him now!â€Â
>
> “I’m supposed to absent myself from future meetings with the Emir,†Vizh pointed out. “He mustn’t get mixed messages, you see.â€Â
>
> “So I just wanted to say,†Kip concluded, “don’t judge my country just by the actions of a few idiots in office. Trade with us if you want and we’ll try and keep it fair. Or don’t, and that’s okay too. And if there’s any problem, tell me. Because I’m supposed to be a hero and it’s my job to make my land the best it can be and that’ exactly what I am going to do.â€Â
>
> “If he was any squarer he’d be a cube,†noted Samantha Featherstone.
>
> “Yeah, but he does it well,†admitted Ham-Boy.
>
> “Your eminence!†burst out Chauncy DeVeux, “I must protest. This young man does not speak for Earth! I do!â€Â
>
> Kiivan’s eyes turned to the advancing diplomat. Garrick trailed forward behind DeVeux. “You speak for Earth?†the Emir checked.
>
> “My credentials,†DeVeux said, handing a packet to Lady Keroon.
>
> Ohanna gestured for them to be passed to her. “These are credentials from the American Secretary of State,†she noted. “Isn’t Earth comprised of rather more than one political division?â€Â
>
> “But ours is the pre-eminent one, my lady,†DeVeux assured her. “I can promise that…â€Â
>
> “We already have a recognised diplomat from Earth,†Kiivan interrupted. “One that has our utmost confidence. A man of galactic stature, known to every ambassador here. A valued councillor, mentor to some of our closets friends. Step forward, Lord Visionary.â€Â
>
> “Er, what?†Vizh stammered. “Wait…!â€Â
>
> “It’s the yellow coat,†Miiri whispered in his ear as she pushed him forward. “Gets them every time.â€Â
>
> ***
>
> “So the problem is, Ham-Boy didn’t realise he was accepting ownership of the girls. He doesn’t believe in owning slaves,†Glory explained, her whines and movements translated via Hacker Nine’s comm-pad. “There’s nothing wrong with the girls, and they have not transgressed in any way. He just can’t keep them.â€Â
>
> “My flat’s really small,†Fred Harris contributed.
>
> “But we do not want these girls to suffer because they were accidentally given to the wrong Master,†Glory explained. “That would not be fair either.â€Â
>
> Visionary was scowling at the Juniors. “I distinctly told them not to own anyone,†he growled.
>
> “You also told them never to get into any trouble or cause any damage,†growled back Herbert Garrick. “Good job there.â€Â
>
> “There’s a perfect comeback to that,†Vizh answered. “Give me an hour or two and I’ll think of it.â€Â
>
> Kiivan regarded Ham-Boy, Glory, and the worried Caphan girls, then shot a glance at Ohanna.
>
> “Why not?†she asked him. “When you sell them on they’ll have increased in value immensely.
>
> “Ham-Boy, I am declaring your slaves kolith m’lan, conscripted to the harem of the Emir. Lady Losiira will establish a fair price for them.â€Â
>
> “A price you’ll be donating to the Caphan Foundation on Earth,†Ohanna told Fred Harris.
>
> “That’s… fine,†agreed Ham-Boy. He turned to the suddenly jubilant slaves. “Look, I’m sorry it didn’t quite work out between us…â€Â
>
> “There is no need to apologise, Master,†Zeela told him with a graceful, spectacular bow. “We were hurt and unhappy to think you did not desire us, but then Mistress Beliinda of Wilson explained to us that you did not prefer the company of girls. Now we understand. This is the best possible outcome for all of us.â€Â
>
> “Did not prefer…†Ham-Boy stammered. He turned to Falconne. “Lindy…!â€Â
>
> “Next time we come to Caph we bring a video camera,†muttered Kid Produce.
>
> ***
>
> Next: On Unauthorised Intruders.
>
> ***
>
> Cast List:
>
>
> High Caphans of Rank:
>
> Prince Kiivan, Emir of All Caph, is the rightful heir to the Caliphate and liberator of his homeworld. He escaped when Caph was invaded by Thonnagarians, trained in different times and places, and returned just over an Earth year later having grown to adulthood to save his people.
>
> Ohanna of Raael is Kiivan’s constant companion, and as the Caphans would put it “his heart’s desire and best belovedâ€Â. She is younger sister to the exiled Caphan Miiri, and arguably the most extensively offworld-trained woman of Caph. Although Caphans have no such custom she is now Kiivan’s fiancée.
>
> Vaahir of Viigo is Caph’s greatest warlord, Prince Kiivan’s mentor and right-hand man in retaking Caph. Vaahir’s passion for the Lady Kaara of Jaaxa is celebrated in song and story.
>
> Serooq, High Priest of Raathi is one of the religious leaders of Caph, keepers of tradition and morality. Now that the Thonnagarian invasion is over he has been able to come out of hiding to lead the Caphan people in right ways.
>
> Prince Laartroon of Laartros was offworld at the time of the Thonnagarian takeover and therefore avoided the worst excesses of the occupation. He has returned now to reclaim his estates and stake his position in the new hierarchy of Caph.
>
> Lord Troovis of Troovis survived the reign of Prince Aarmis by being alternately stupid, subservient, absent, and stupid. He sees a future for himself in politics.
>
> Prince Aarmus of Aarixus was a traitor to his people, aligning himself with the conquering Thonnagarians and serving as their puppet Emir. He was previously Miiri’s first owner when she left her mother’s house, and it was he who sold her offworld to the Slimy Slaver Lovetoad. Aarmus died in a combat challenge from Prince Kiivan over the ownership of Ohanna and of Caph. His property is forfeit to his slayer.
>
> Lord Chaalis of Chaalim is not part of Serooq's conspiracy. He's just an opportunist who wants to be taken seriously; but he doesn't want to get smitten for it.
>
> The Lost Flowers of Caph:
>
> Nine Caphan pleasure slaves sold offworld to the Slimy Slaver Lovetoad and liberated by the Lair legion during the Transworlds challenge, now finally returned to the world of their birth. The nine are:
>
> Deeela, a daughter of Chieftain Ytirar by Iliia the Fair, She and her triplet siblings are sometimes called the Lost Jewels of the House of Kelinda after their abduction by raiders on the occasion of their vina drea (ceremony of bonding) to Laamis of Laamis. Deeela dreams of becoming a bard like her tent-sister Losiira.
>
> Sayaana, also one of three daughters born to the Chieftain Ytirar out of Illia the Fair. She is the best weaver and needlewoman of the group, and most accomplished at performing kelanath-sto.
>
> Philaana, younger sister to Sayaana and Deeela. She bears a child of Prince Kiivan, Emir of All Caph.
>
> Noona of Portaa, the older of two sisters sold offworld to the Slimy Slaver Lovetoad from the marketplace of Luutan. She is Losiira’s lover.
>
> Miiri of Earth, daughter of Prince Kiivas out of Ekooria of Damaar, is the most liberated of the Caphan exiles. When she was no longer owned by Visionary (a fiction anyway for the comfort of the rescued slaves) she returned to him as a lover and bore him twin children, Magweed (Naari) and Griffin. Miiri no longer wishes to be owned by anyone save herself.
>
> Odoona of Portaa, Noona’s younger sister, a romantic dreamer; she has an unspoken crush on Lord Visionary.
>
> Losiira of the Nine Songs is the oldest of the nine Caphan exiles, and the only one accredited by the bardic college. She had now been accredited as a slave-mistress and house mother, and has been awarded the rank of mistress of the House of the Emir. She also carries a child of Prince Kiivan.
>
> Luuma Swiftheels, famed for her athletic prowess, also carries a child of Prince Kiivan.
>
> Kaara of Jaaxa, last daughter of a murdered House, was ravaged and sold into slavery. The youth who strove to own her was Vaahir of Viigo, and his exploits to escape and save her are chronicled in the Tenth Caphan Saga in Untold Tales #202-212.
>
>
> Other High-Status Slaves
>
> Guildmistress Keroon of the Leman's Guild is one of the most powerful slaves on Caph, heading the order which trains and accredits women of the leman class. In the absence of an appointed Vizier it is her role to manage the proceedings of the Caliphate Court, of whom collectively she is the chattel.
>
> Zeela, Doolia, Aatis, Jemiira, Hooli, Fantiis, and Sooon, seven slaves given in tribute to the Earth-hero Ham-Boy by Amaal of Ammalin, now brought into the House of kiivan.
>
>
> Common Caphans
>
> Koodi of Jathaar is a drudge, one of the menial class of slaves who form the majority of Caph’s population. Her master is Lord Khuufal and she lived most of her young life in domestic service in the deserts of Urendiir. When her Master joined Vaahir’s rebellion Koodi came to Alcaphia as a runner bringing arms and supplies to the warriors. While camped outside the city Koodi encountered the outcast seeress Vespiir and made a fateful decision that she knew would destroy her life.
>
> Vespiir is an outcast slave, masterless and unprotected, for the crime of being a seeress. Only males may possess the gift of Raathi, and so Vespiir is evok-hai, fair game for any who would harm or kill her. She bears the Outcast Brand on her forehead, proclaiming her shame to all who see her.
>
> Oloora of Kiivan is a drudge in the Emir’s palace, an innocent pawn in most holy Serooq’s plots against those who advise Prince Kiivan.
>
> Kriije of Raael, formerly of Aarixus, is a Caphan leman – personal assistant and bodyslave – who clawed her way to the top of her profession in service to the traitorous would-be Emir Aarmus of Aarixus. Trained in espionage, assassination, and manipulation Kriije supported her Master’s domination attempts but was badly wounded in combat with Ohanna of Raael. With Aarmus’ fall Kriije became the property of his slayer, Prince Kiivan, who in turn sold her to his lover Ohanna for virtually nothing. Kriije is to be exiled to Earth.
>
>
> Heroes From Earth:
>
> Visionary, possibly-fake man and headmaster of the Junior Lair Legion training programme, was formerly the accidental owner of nine Caphan slave girls, including Miiri who later mothered his twin children. His yellow coat is often mistaken on Caph for the saffron mantle of a powerful lord.
>
> Glory, the pooch of power, is a superpowered and highly intelligent border collie who works with the metahuman agent Mr Epitome. She is also the Junior Lair Legion’s teaching assistant.
>
> Danny Lyle (Denial) is a rebel without a cause, dating Kerry Shepherdson. He is also the son of the Hooded Hood and madame Symmetry, the Shaper of Worlds.
>
> Kerry Shepherdson probability-twisting pyromaniac, is the former ward and current adopted little sister of Visionary.
>
> Ham-Boy (Fred Harris) is an alumni of the Junior Lair Legion. The world’s meatiest hero has the ability to create and control raw meat products.
>
> Fashion Accessory (Samantha Bonnington) is a fabric-manipulating teen catwalk model, all-round valley girl, and member of the Junior Lair Legion. Her best friend is Kerry Shepherdson.
>
> Glitch is a female Autobot from a distant galaxy, sent to monitor and protect life on Earth. She’s just discovering a fetish for human boys.
>
> Harlagaz Donarson is the son of Donar, Ausgardian hemigod of thunder. He’s also a member of the Junior Lair Legion.
>
> Falconne (Belinda “Lindy†Wilson) is younger sister of the missing-in-action legionnaire Falcon and has inherited his combat flight suit.
>
> Captain Courageous (Kip Kipling) is a young British agent of Project: Pendragon, gifted with enhanced physical abilities and cursed with an absolute sense of morality.
>
> Kid Produce (Jasper Stevens) was a member of the JBH (Justa Bunch of Heroes) until tragedy struck and the love of his life Jackie Rabbit was taken from him. Now he is a morose, brooding loner who retains the ability to generate any kind of enhanced fruit or vegetable from his magic apron.
>
> Hacker Nine (Zachary Zelnitz) is an anarchist computer whiz from the distant dimension of Technopolis. He recently served an apprenticeship with the Hooded hood that almost led him to betray his friends to destruction.
>
>
> Other Offworlders
>
> Shazana Pel is an outcast Thonnagarian warrior who stood against her own people as an ally of Kiivan and Vaahir. Her grandmother, Pigeonwarrior leader. Her grandmother Ancient Shadara, last of the Great Eyrie, whom Pel slew in battle has proclaimed her next leader of the Pigeonrace.
>
> Mircandalee Tremensalor is of the alien race the Dramaatis, the last survivor of her troupe after the Parody War. She now owns and runs the former avawarrior training ship as a star-spanning vaudeville theatre.
>
> Herbert P. Garrick, “Bed News Herbâ€Â, is the President’s Special Advisor on Metahuman Affairs. He’s not a fan of the Lair Legion, and he's not had good experiences with Caphans so far.
>
> Chauncy Sidney Lancelot DeVeux is the US State Department's nominated Ambassador to Caph. He's from the Boston DeVeuxs.
>
> ***
> Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2008 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2008 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
>
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