> > > #327: Untold Tales of the Parodyverse: On Affairs of State and the State of Affairs
> > >
> > > 
> > >
> > > Go straight to Part One: On the Morning After the Night Before
> > > Go straight to Part Two: On Traitors
> > >
> > > Previously:
> > > UT #325: On the Return of the Juniors (and On the Return of Caph)
> > > UT #326: On Things (and People) That Go Bump In The Night
> > >
> > > Characters in this story outlines in the Cast List
> > > Situation overview in A Caph Recap
> > > Glossary of Caphan terms in The Caph Lexicon
> > > Previous chapters at The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom.
> > > Descriptions of our regular cast at Who's Who in the Parodyverse.
> > > Locations explained in Where's Where in the Parodyverse.
> > >
> > > ***
> > >
> > > On the Morning After the Night Before
> > >
> > > The Juniors and their friends assembled slowly in the morning, several of them moving quite delicately and wincing at loud noises.
> > >
> > > “You’d think that a people who can party that well would have perfected hangover cures,†complained Kid Produce, holding a frozen cabbage to his forehead.
> > >
> > > “That stuff they make with those berries kind of creeps up on you,†admitted Falconne. “Pass the fridge produce, KP.â€Â
> > >
> > > Kit Kipling was freshly shaved and in his official Captain Courageous costume. “This is going to be a fascinating event,†he told them. “The Great Court is almost medieval in its structure. Kiivan’s not an absolute monarch because he’s bound by a huge body of law and tradition, but he’s the final arbiter of the cases brought before him today, and he has very wide-ranging powers of justice.â€Â
> > >
> > > “So he can, say, confiscate pleasure slaves off people?†Ham-Boy checked nervously. He was staying close to Glory this morning as if he required a comfort blanket.
> > >
> > > “I’m sure Kiivan can sort everything out,†the mutt of might assured him. “Although it would certainly expedite things if you consented to breed with those young ladies as they desire.â€Â
> > >
> > > Hacker Nine had programmed his data-padd to translate Glory’s paw movement and bark sequences to voice transmission, so the dog’s advice was broadcast to the rest of the Juniors. Kerry began choking on her breakfast muffin and Danny had to deny her windpipe being blocked.
> > >
> > > “Did you just say that some Caphan girls want to breed with HB?†Fashion Accessory demanded incredulously.
> > >
> > > “This is all a big misunderstanding,†Ham-Boy blushed. “All I wanted was a cup of coffee.â€Â
> > >
> > > “Yon Caphan girls art most hospitable,†Harlagaz approved. “And very imaginative,†he added honestly.
> > >
> > > “Hold it,†Glitch interrupted. “Ham-Boy, according to the Caphan ownership database you’re currently the master of Zeela, Doolia, Aatis, Jemiira, Hooli, Fantiis, and Sooon.â€Â
> > >
> > > “And all I got was this lousy t-shirt,†Kid Produce complained.
> > >
> > > “You do know you don’t have to buy them to sleep with them?†FA checked. “It’s all down to hospitality. Caphans are very free about these things.†She unconsciously touched the new earrings she was wearing this morning and looked away. “Apparently.â€Â
> > >
> > > “I’m sure Visionary will be able to sort out any problems,†Glory assured HB. “After all, he knows what it is like to suddenly own a number of pleasure slaves.â€Â
> > >
> > > “And look how well he handled that,†Kerry snorted. “Which one of yours are you gonna knock up, HB?â€Â
> > >
> > > “I don’t think it’s actually legal for a US citizen to own slaves any more,†Kit considered. “I think it’s a federal offence under one of the Constitutional amendments.â€Â
> > >
> > > “And you don’t have the possibly-fake defence, Ham-Boy,†Danny added. “You’re going to the Big House.â€Â
> > >
> > > “I didn’t do anything!†the world’s meatiest hero protested.
> > >
> > > “That wert thy first mistake right there,†advised Harlagaz.
> > >
> > > “I thought Ham-Boy was supposed to be the neoNats?†objected Falconne. “Now he’s the neoVizh?â€Â
> > >
> > > “Now you take that back,†Samantha Bonnington objected.
> > >
> > > “NeoVizh?†Kerry frowned. HB’s cowl began to smoulder.
> > >
> > > “The girls won’t lose any value if Ham-Boy mates with them before selling them on,†Glitch pointed out. “In fact it would considerably enhance their status in this culture.â€Â
> > >
> > > “If it helps, HB, you could always share them out,†Hacker Nine offered generously. “We’re your friends, and we’re right there for you.â€Â
> > >
> > > Ham-Boy reached for another of Kid Produce’s frozen vegetables.
> > >
> > >
> > > ***
> > >
> > >
> > > Koodi had managed to convince Slavemistress Juura that there was a better chance of getting fresh produce in the great marketplace than in one of the ad-hoc trading camps that had strung up around the capital. Supplies were very disrupted by the troubles and a lot of extra mouths required feeding, so food was short. So it was that Koodi was allowed to hitch a lift on the back of the covered wagon taking recharged magazines to her Master’s soldiers standing guard in the city.
> > >
> > > It was difficult but not impossible to slip Vespiir into the back of the wagon before they set off.
> > >
> > > The ride into Alacaphia was slow. Warlord Vaahir’s men had set up checkpoints at the gates, but they were more concerned with what was going out than what was coming in. There were still traitors and war criminals loose within the capital. Nobody thought twice about a couple of drudges in the back of a cart so long as Vespiir kept her face covered.
> > >
> > > Once through the gates, Vespiir slipped away into one of the alleys. Koodi called her thanks to the eunuch driving the wagon and jumped down after her. The two girls met up again in one of the sheltered courtyards that had not been damaged too badly in the recent fighting.
> > >
> > > “You’re in the city, now,†Koodi said to the ownerless outcast. “What will you do now? It’s even more dangerous for an evok-hai here, easier to come to a sorry end than in the wilderness.â€Â
> > >
> > > “All evok-hai come to bad ends, sooner or later,†Vespiir said. “It’s just a matter of how soon. But I have to get to the Emir. You have to help me.â€Â
> > >
> > > Koodi shook her head, trembling. “I can’t do that. I’ve got to go find fruit and vegetables for my Master. Somehow. Besides, you said… you said that if I helped you then my life would be destroyed.â€Â
> > >
> > > “But if you do not help me then Prince Kiivan’s life will be destroyed,†Vespiir replied. “Maybe all of Caph. I have seen it.â€Â
> > >
> > > “The Emir?†Koodi’s eyes were wide. “He is in danger?â€Â
> > >
> > > “Unless I can get to him in time. For that I need you.†Suddenly the seeress looked uncertain. “At least… I think all this is right. The visions aren’t always that clear, and this one is so complex. I see… all kinds of things I don’t understand. A great ship of iron bigger than a city, bigger than those warships that appeared over Caph. And a complete… void, waiting to devour us all. And… so many bad things, Koodi. So many.â€Â
> > >
> > > “I don’t want to die,†the drudge admitted. “But Kiivan is the future of Caph.â€Â
> > >
> > > “I see the future,†Vespiir confessed. “It is my great sin. I see Caph’s future with him and without him, and I see a future where Caph is not even here.†She blinked away the tormenting images. “If I have to die, I would rather die securing Kiivan for Caph.â€Â
> > >
> > > Koodi tried not to shake. “Then so do I,†she agreed.
> > >
> > > ***
> > >
> > >
> > > “Hold, slave!†called out a rough-looking man in dirty leathers. He held a short sword in one hand and a dagger in the other. “Who are you, and of what House and Master?â€Â
> > >
> > > Miiri turned from the ruins of the House of Raael and regarded the intruder living in its wreckage. “I am Miiri,†she replied, “and I own myself.â€Â
> > >
> > > “Outcast!†proclaimed the man. Suddenly there were others there, two, three more scum living rough in the gutters of the city. “This girl is ownerless and unprotected.â€Â
> > >
> > > “I own myself,†Miiri told them. She slipped a couple of blue-steel daggers from her chainmail mesh. “I protect myself.â€Â
> > >
> > > The raiders weren’t listening. They were trying to manoeuvre around her.
> > >
> > > “Is there a problem?†asked Visionary, appearing from behind a half-demolished tower wall.
> > >
> > > The robbers took in Visionary’s yellow coat of office and paused. But the Great Lord was unarmed.
> > >
> > > “This is the father of my children,†Miiri explained to the raiders. “He is the Lord Visionary, of Earth.â€Â
> > >
> > > “Lord… Lord Viisionary…†the rough looking man mouthed, his eyes suddenly wide. He began to sweat.
> > >
> > > “Yes,†agreed Vizh. “That’s me. Is there a problem?â€Â
> > >
> > > “Er, no,†stammered the raider. “No problem at all. Sir. Master. My Lord. None at all.â€Â
> > >
> > > “We wus just going,†promised another.
> > >
> > > “Now,†added the third, before they all fled.
> > >
> > > Vizh watched them scramble away. His face was puzzled. “What was all that about?†he wondered.
> > >
> > > “Your fame precedes you,†Miiri chuckled, sheathing her daggers again. “And now I have a happy final memory of this place.â€Â
> > >
> > > ***
> > >
> > > On Traitors
> > >
> > > Kriije’s chains were heavy and her wounds hurt when she moved where the blood had stuck to her dressings; but she struggled to her feet when the cell door opened, ready for the worst.
> > >
> > > It was the worst. Ohanna of Raael stood there before her.
> > >
> > > “So you’ve finally had sex with Kiivan,†Kriije surmised, reading the younger woman’s body language. “About time.â€Â
> > >
> > > “I have questions,†Ohanna replied. “And then I must decide what to do with you.â€Â
> > >
> > > “You must decide?†Kriije raised one eyebrow. “Not the Emir of All Caph, my lawful Master by right of conquest?â€Â
> > >
> > > Ohanna tossed a chit at the leman’s feet. “Kiivan sold you to me this morning,†she answered. “Your new value is one shekl.â€Â
> > >
> > > Kriije blanched. “I… I am an experienced, talented leman, accredited by the guild, versed in the ways of many cultures and…†Then she caught herself. “One shekl. About my meat value when my corpse is sold to feed the glarns.â€Â
> > >
> > > “About that,†agreed Ohanna. “The sentence for traitors is death.â€Â
> > >
> > > “Prince Aarmus was a traitor,†Kriije objected. “And he has died.â€Â
> > >
> > > “You were his leman, versed in all his councils. You helped him do the things he did.â€Â
> > >
> > > Kriije nodded. “I was his slave. I did my duty. A slave obeys her Master in all things.†A sly smile spread over Kriije’s face. “You always had problems with that part, didn’t you, Ohanna?â€Â
> > >
> > > “And yet I am beloved of the Emir of Caph, and you lie rotting in a traitor’s cell for selling your world to foreign raiders.â€Â
> > >
> > > The leman had to acknowledge that. “You win,†she admitted. “I tried to kill you and couldn’t. I tried to support my master to victory and failed.†She looked over at the de-facto Queen of Caph. “So what is my end to be? Must I beg for a quick, clean death? Or do you intend to put me to torture and shame first no matter what I do?â€Â
> > >
> > > “As I said, I have questions,†Ohanna repeated. “Only then will I choose what becomes of you.â€Â
> > >
> > > Kriije nodded and gestured round the cell. “I’d offer you a seat, but they seem to have neglected to provide me with such hospitality.â€Â
> > >
> > > “You read me very efficiently when I came in here, Kriije,†Ohanna went on, “I hope you recognise that I have been trained too. However good you are at dissembling for a Master I will know if you lie to me. And if my powers of observation fail me there are technical gadgets provided for me by the human Hacker Nine that will warn me when you deceive.â€Â
> > >
> > > “I understand. The truth then. Why not?â€Â
> > >
> > > “Have you ever killed?â€Â
> > >
> > > “Yes. I have the blood of seventeen people on my hands. Four I killed in combat, protecting my Master from assassins. Three more were women who challenged me in the Harem. We met in duel with daggers.â€Â
> > >
> > > “And the rest?â€Â
> > >
> > > “On five occasions my Master, Lord Aarmus, had me pass as a pleasure slave to bring a knife to some rival whose elimination he desired. Twice I was sent to strike in secret from hiding, using alien weapons that kill from afar. Twice more when I accompanied alien mercenary units to carry out my Master’s will and was called upon to end a life. The last occasion was when I… gave mercy to a slave who had displeased my Master and who was in very great pain.â€Â
> > >
> > > “And torture? Who have you tortured?â€Â
> > >
> > > “I have given discipline, of course, to Prince Aarmus’ chattels when it was his will. I am not versed in the torturer’s arts, though. I gain information in other ways.â€Â
> > >
> > > “What crimes have you committed for your Master, then, other than the murders you have confessed?â€Â
> > >
> > > Kriije took a deep breath. “I did the duties of a leman. Sometimes that means bribery, espionage, sabotage, coercion. But you have Prince Aarmus’ records by now, you and your clever Earth allies. You will know what I have done.â€Â
> > >
> > > “I’ve seen your files, yes,†agreed Ohanna. “And the ones they have about you at the Leman’s Guild. You’re very talented. What a shame you wasted it all by betraying Caph.â€Â
> > >
> > > Kriije closed her eyes. Her wounds were sapping her strength now. She was surprised they’d even bothered to stitch her up, unless they wanted to keep her alive to punish her worse. “Aarmus was many things, and traitor amongst them,†she admitted, “and maybe he was unworthy of the service I did him. But he was my Master, my only chance to make something of myself. I rose from drudgery to become his greatest servant. If I’d been born of a noble sire I’d have been his most favoured slave. I tried so hard. So hard.â€Â
> > >
> > > “You have many redeeming qualities,†agreed Ohanna. “But you betrayed Caph. You could have saved the world. One quick motion with your houri dagger and Prince Aarmus, oppressor of our people, would have been dead.â€Â
> > >
> > > “That’s easy for you to say!†Kriije blurted. “You were lucky. Yes, you were, even though your House was slaughtered. You were found and nurtured by the Hooded Hood. You became the childhood companion-in-exile of the Hope of Caph. Fabled in legend. Trained on a dozen glittering alien worlds. You were never chained in the dark, starved and beaten, forced to serve up slices of your soul day after day to a Master who never truly appreciated you. You never had to compromise. My life has been nothing but.â€Â
> > >
> > > “You hate me,†Ohanna recognised.
> > >
> > > “Of course I do! You’re everything I want to be!â€Â
> > >
> > > There was a long silence, then Kriije slid to the ground. “Now you truly have beaten me,†she said. The first tears she’d wept since she entered the Leman’s Guild as a callow child trickled down her face. The lash and the flame had not broken Kriije of Aarixus, but the truth had.
> > >
> > > “Here’s your punishment,†Ohanna said at last. “You’ll be exiled. You can never return to Caph again.â€Â
> > >
> > > “Sold offworld?†Kriije asked. “I won’t die?†Then her face fell again. “The Lovetoads,†she realised. “How poetic, yes.â€Â
> > >
> > > “I said exiled, not sold,†Ohanna replied. “You’re far too dangerous to belong to another Master. I’m sending you to Earth.â€Â
> > >
> > > “Earth? But they hate me there. I was with Aarmus when he tried to lead an armada to raid it.â€Â
> > >
> > > “But to Earth you shall go. With my sister. And there you shall serve.â€Â
> > >
> > > “Serve how? Serve whom?â€Â
> > >
> > > Ohanna squatted down beside the fallen leman. “When Vaahir made his errors he was sentenced to a far-off world full of need, to care for those who could not care for themselves,†she revealed. “It was a wise sentence. Look at what Lord Vaahir has become now.â€Â
> > >
> > > Kriije tried not to shiver. “My value is now one shekl,†she said.
> > >
> > > “Then you must add to that value for yourself,†Ohanna replied, “And you must find things about yourself that you can value.â€Â
> > >
> > > “Exile,†Kriije whispered, clutching her arms around herself where her chest wounds were aching. “On Earth.â€Â
> > >
> > > But there was the faintest unfamiliar note in her voice.
> > >
> > > Hope.
> > >
> > > ***
> > >
> > > Next: On the Parting of Beloved Tent-Sisters and On Mircandalee and Kerry.
> > >
> > > ***
> > >
> > > Cast List:
> > >
> > >
> > > High Caphans of Rank:
> > >
> > > Prince Kiivan, Emir of All Caph, is the rightful heir to the Caliphate and liberator of his homeworld. He escaped when Caph was invaded by Thonnagarians, trained in different times and places, and returned just over an Earth year later having grown to adulthood to save his people.
> > >
> > > Ohanna of Raael is Kiivan’s constant companion, and as the Caphans would put it “his heart’s desire and best belovedâ€Â. She is younger sister to the exiled Caphan Miiri, and arguably the most extensively offworld-trained woman of Caph. Although Caphans have no such custom she is now Kiivan’s fiancée.
> > >
> > > Vaahir of Viigo is Caph’s greatest warlord, Prince Kiivan’s mentor and right-hand man in retaking Caph. Vaahir’s passion for the Lady Kaara of Jaaxa is celebrated in song and story.
> > >
> > > Serooq, High Priest of Raathi is one of the religious leaders of Caph, keepers of tradition and morality. Now that the Thonnagarian invasion is over he has been able to come out of hiding to lead the Caphan people in right ways.
> > >
> > > Prince Laartroon of Laartros was offworld at the time of the Thonnagarian takeover and therefore avoided the worst excesses of the occupation. He has returned now to reclaim his estates and stake his position in the new hierarchy of Caph.
> > >
> > > Lord Troovis of Troovis survived the reign of Prince Aarmis by being alternately stupid, subservient, absent, and stupid. He sees a future for himself in politics.
> > >
> > > Prince Aarmus of Aarixus was a traitor to his people, aligning himself with the conquering Thonnagarians and serving as their puppet Emir. He was previously Miiri’s first owner when she left her mother’s house, and it was he who sold her offworld to the Slimy Slaver Lovetoad. Aarmus died in a combat challenge from Prince Kiivan over the ownership of Ohanna and of Caph. His property is forfeit to his slayer.
> > >
> > >
> > > The Lost Flowers of Caph:
> > >
> > > Nine Caphan pleasure slaves sold offworld to the Slimy Slaver Lovetoad and liberated by the Lair legion during the Transworlds challenge, now finally returned to the world of their birth. The nine are:
> > >
> > > Deeela, a daughter of Chieftain Ytirar by Iliia the Fair, She and her triplet siblings are sometimes called the Lost Jewels of the House of Kelinda after their abduction by raiders on the occasion of their vina drea (ceremony of bonding) to Laamis of Laamis. Deeela dreams of becoming a bard like her tent-sister Losiira.
> > >
> > > Sayaana, also one of three daughters born to the Chieftain Ytirar out of Illia the Fair. She is the best weaver and needlewoman of the group, and most accomplished at performing kelanath-sto.
> > >
> > > Philaana, younger sister to Sayaana and Deeela. She bears a child of Prince Kiivan, Emir of All Caph.
> > >
> > > Noona of Portaa, the older of two sisters sold offworld to the Slimy Slaver Lovetoad from the marketplace of Luutan. She is Losiira’s lover.
> > >
> > > Miiri of Earth, daughter of Prince Kiivas out of Ekooria of Damaar, is the most liberated of the Caphan exiles. When she was no longer owned by Visionary (a fiction anyway for the comfort of the rescued slaves) she returned to him as a lover and bore him twin children, Magweed (Naari) and Griffin. Miiri no longer wishes to be owned by anyone save herself.
> > >
> > > Odoona of Portaa, Noona’s younger sister, a romantic dreamer; she has an unspoken crush on Lord Visionary.
> > >
> > > Losiira of the Nine Songs is the oldest of the nine Caphan exiles, and the only one accredited by the bardic college. She had now been accredited as a slave-mistress and house mother, and has been awarded the rank of mistress of the House of the Emir. She also carries a child of Prince Kiivan.
> > >
> > > Luuma Swiftheels, famed for her athletic prowess, also carries a child of Prince Kiivan.
> > >
> > > Kaara of Jaaxa, last daughter of a murdered House, was ravaged and sold into slavery. The youth who strove to own her was Vaahir of Viigo, and his exploits to escape and save her are chronicled in the Tenth Caphan Saga in Untold Tales #202-212.
> > >
> > > Zeela, Doolia, Aatis, Jemiira, Hooli, Fantiis, and Sooon, seven slaves given in tribute to the Earth-hero Ham-Boy by Amaal of Ammalin.
> > >
> > >
> > > Common Caphans
> > >
> > > Koodi of Jathaar is a drudge, one of the menial class of slaves who form the majority of Caph’s population. Her master is Lord Khuufal and she lived most of her young life in domestic service in the deserts of Urendiir. When her Master joined Vaahir’s rebellion Koodi came to Alcaphia as a runner bringing arms and supplies to the warriors. While camped outside the city Koodi encountered the outcast seeress Vespiir and made a fateful decision that she knew would destroy her life.
> > >
> > > Vespiir is an outcast slave, masterless and unprotected, for the crime of being a seeress. Only males may possess the gift of Raathi, and so Vespiir is evok-hai, fair game for any who would harm or kill her. She bears the Outcast Brand on her forehead, proclaiming her shame to all who see her.
> > >
> > > Oloora of Kiivan is a drudge in the Emir’s palace, an innocent pawn in most holy Serooq’s plots against those who advise Prince Kiivan.
> > >
> > > Kriije of Raael, formerly of Aarixus, is a Caphan leman – personal assistant and bodyslave – who clawed her way to the top of her profession in service to the traitorous would-be Emir Aarmus of Aarixus. Trained in espionage, assassination, and manipulation Kriije supported her Master’s domination attempts but was badly wounded in combat with Ohanna of Raael. With Aarmus’ fall Kriije became the property of his slayer, Prince Kiivan, who in turn sold her to his lover Ohanna for virtually nothing. Kriije is to be exiled to Earth.
> > >
> > >
> > > Heroes From Earth:
> > >
> > > Visionary, possibly-fake man and headmaster of the Junior Lair Legion training programme, was formerly the accidental owner of nine Caphan slave girls, including Miiri who later mothered his twin children. His yellow coat is often mistaken on Caph for the saffron mantle of a powerful lord.
> > >
> > > Glory, the pooch of power, is a superpowered and highly intelligent border collie who works with the metahuman agent Mr Epitome. She is also the Junior Lair Legion’s teaching assistant.
> > >
> > > Danny Lyle (Denial) is a rebel without a cause, dating Kerry Shepherdson. He is also the son of the Hooded Hood and madame Symmetry, the Shaper of Worlds.
> > >
> > > Kerry Shepherdson probability-twisting pyromaniac, is the former ward and current adopted little sister of Visionary.
> > >
> > > Ham-Boy (Fred Harris) is an alumni of the Junior Lair Legion. The world’s meatiest hero has the ability to create and control raw meat products.
> > >
> > > Fashion Accessory (Samantha Bonnington) is a fabric-manipulating teen catwalk model, all-round valley girl, and member of the Junior Lair Legion. Her best friend is Kerry Shepherdson.
> > >
> > > Glitch is a female Autobot from a distant galaxy, sent to monitor and protect life on Earth. She’s just discovering a fetish for human boys.
> > >
> > > Harlagaz Donarson is the son of Donar, Ausgardian hemigod of thunder. He’s also a member of the Junior Lair Legion.
> > >
> > > Falconne (Belinda “Lindy†Wilson) is younger sister of the missing-in-action legionnaire Falcon and has inherited his combat flight suit.
> > >
> > > Captain Courageous (Kip Kipling) is a young British agent of Project: Pendragon, gifted with enhanced physical abilities and cursed with an absolute sense of morality.
> > >
> > > Kid Produce (Jasper Stevens) was a member of the JBH (Justa Bunch of Heroes) until tragedy struck and the love of his life Jackie Rabbit was taken from him. Now he is a morose, brooding loner who retains the ability to generate any kind of enhanced fruit or vegetable from his magic apron.
> > >
> > > Hacker Nine (Zachary Zelnitz) is an anarchist computer whiz from the distant dimension of Technopolis. He recently served an apprenticeship with the Hooded hood that almost led him to betray his friends to destruction.
> > >
> > >
> > > Other Offworlders
> > >
> > > Shazana Pel is an outcast Thonnagarian warrior who stood against her own people as an ally of Kiivan and Vaahir. Her grandmother, Pigeonwarrior leader. Her grandmother Ancient Shadara, last of the Great Eyrie, whom Pel slew in battle has proclaimed her next leader of the Pigeonrace.
> > >
> > > ***
> > > Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2008 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2008 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
> > >
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