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[The Scene: The LL phone rings. Vizh is distracted by a cruller moment and picks it up]
Vizh: Hello? Lair Mansion, as sponsored by Bautista Enterprises, for all your incendiary kitchen appliance needs.
Dancer: Vizh. Hi! It’s me. Dancer. Your little adopted sister. The non-explosive one.
Vizh: Hey, how are you doing? How’s Paris? How’s the show?
Dancer: All men are pigs, but we won’t go into that just now. I’m ringing for updates. Lots of updates.
Vizh: Updates? What do you mean?
Dancer: Vizh! Did you forget that Dominic vanished? People are looking for Dominic, right?
Vizh: Epitome? Um, yeah, I’m feeding Glory.
Dancer: Right. And the LL are poking Al B. with sticks until he figures out what happened, right?
Vizh: I think they do that anyhow.
Dancer: Good. And has anybody swatted CSFB! round the ear yet?
Vizh: I’m pretty sure they have. Was there any particular reason?
Dancer: Hey, I got the Hallie memo about the Moderator crossover. Sounds like I did well to sit that one out. It was long enough already without a scene in the Bean and Donut where the Moderator comes for coffee with hilarious consequences.
Vizh: I could have stood to hear about it.
Dancer: Instead I hear that Dream has gone all Rambo and started shooting down minions. I know he’d had a bad experience, but he’s got to know that minion-shooting is not right.
Vizh: That was in another reality which never happened. I know all about them. Living in the Lighthouse I have to check my drivers license every morning when I get up. Right after I check my pants for detonation devices.
Dancer: Nothing’s exploding in your trousers, Vizh. I also got the Hallie memo about that. Get a piece of paper right now and take a list.
Vizh: A list? What kind of list.
Dancer: A list of stuff to do, silly, before I ask you to pass the phone over to Kerry and revoke my no-permanent-damage clause of letting her stay with you.
Vizh: You’re saying that Kerry’s been doing the restrained version of staying with me?
Dancer: Write. Item one - find Epitome. Make sure somebody’s looking after Kat. Somebody who isn’t Flapjack.
Vizh: Check. I think Flapjack’s busy right now because Chiaki’s hiding in the Lair Mansion. It’s a whole new set of uncharted lingerie to fondle.
Dancer: Jumping ahead to item five then, find new places for all our houseguests where they can be themselves. A girl needs her own space space to walk around naked without having to worry about webcams.
Vizh: They do? Walk around naked at home? I mean not just Caphans and people on Cinemax?
Dancer: Focus, Vizh. And by space I mean places of their own, not extradimensional pockets of the Lair Mansion. They need to be able to find supporting casts and wickedy villains and things all of their own. Its what growing up is all about.
Vizh: Can you babble more slowly, only I’m still writing down the bit about walking around naked. My pencil point broke.
Dancer: back to Item two then - Swack CSFB! and remind him that killing is bad. Ask him what pre-Quesada Cap or would do. Tell him to find one of the guys he killed in that reality in this reality instead and see if it still seems like a good idea to have murdered him. If necessary confiscate his action figure collection till he sees sense.
Vizh: You don’t think it would be better if I sent a LairJet for you? Or there’s these new dimensional portals Al’s been playing with. Less than half the stuff that goes through them now explodes to pulp.
Dancer: Item three – make sure none of those nasties from the Moderator saga got away. I mean if Search Engineer or Doorman or anyone had escaped to this reality it would be really, really bad. Either find them or take me off Yuki’s things-to-worry-about mailing list.
Vizh: Less spam. Gotcha. Anything else?
Dancer: Item four – date Hallie. Its months since you slipped her some tongue at the finale of the Parody War and we haven’t even seen the artwork for it yet. Take her somewhere romantic, tell her how you feel, and progress the plotline for goodness sake!
Vizh: Well, I’ve been kind of busy. There was the Caphan trip (which might yet be to come depending on how things work out continuity-wise, but even then there’s the packing) and the Moderator thing and I still haven’t finished my paperwork on that Great North Star caper back at Christmas.
Dancer: Okay. Item five – no, we’ve already done that, this had better be 5a - kick yourself on the seat of your pants for being slow at getting to the good stuff.
Vizh: Um, I don’t think I actually can…
Dancer: It’s easy if I break your kneecaps. Finish the Great North Star and date Hallie. Fast. If nothing else she’ll get her mind off that trouble with poor Joan Henry. And as Lisa says, if the date goes nowhere then at least Hallie’ll have something to laugh about.
Vizh: Er, wait? What was that about what Lisa said?
Dancer: Nothing. Hardly any money has changed hands. Nobody’s accepting those kind of odds from the Destroyer of Tales.
Vizh: Can I hide now? Only I’ve had less scary phone calls about having to go fight the Hellraisers.
Dancer: Item six…
Vizh: I’ve had less scary phone calls from your mom.
Dancer: Item. Six. Find out what happened to that snowman the kids were playing with. The one we talked about joining the LL. Did he melt or head off to join the New Abandoned Legion or what? If you can’t find him then check Samantha’s files. If she doesn’t know then sign up Champagne onto the team and get her to look into it.
Vizh: Um, are you sure you don’t want to be leader of the Lair Legion? Only I’ve had less orders than this from Hatty since he took over months ago.
Dancer: Which brings me to item seven. I want you to have a man-to-man chat with Jay. As man-to-man as you can manage, since you seem to be incapable of asking poor Hallie out on one simple spectacular romance-of-a-lifetime date.
Vizh: I have to do what now? What am I man-to-manning about with Hatty? There’s already enough of April’s internet fiction about CSFB! and Jay.
Dancer: You need to find out about his true feelings.
Vizh: I really don’t. We’re just good friends. It’s not like I’m Lara or Liu Xi or Chiaki or that part-time cat girl we haven’t seen for a while.
Dancer: You need to find out about his true feelings for Zdenka. Why did she go back to Candia? What’s going to happen next? We need to know.
Vizh: Why do we need to know? Why can’t we just leave them alone and stay with our crullers?
Dancer: We need to know so I can tell you how I want you to interfere next, Visionary. Stay with the programme. It’s not easy running people’s lives for them without probability powers from a continent away. It takes effort.
Vizh: My effort, apparently.
Dancer: That’s what brothers are for. That and blocking the wind when its stormy. And maybe for reaching high shelves.
Vizh: Is that the lot? Only, er, I think there’s a Lair Emergency about to happen. I’m pretty sure the alarm sirens will be going off any minute now. Please.
Dancer: Tell the Librarian to check up on that Catherine Gillespie. Tell the Shoggoth to find out more about those people in the Tomb of the bloke whose name begins with T, I think. Tell Lisa to drop in and say hi. Make sure you’re keeping an eye on what that Zemo woman is up to. I don’t trust her staying in prison like that. She’s up to something. And finish that report on what happened with Yo and Roni Y Avis in the Happy Place, dammit!
Vizh: …..
Dancer: It’s lovely to talk with you, Vizh. I’ll call again next week with an new list. Bye!
Vizh: Take care, Sarah. Um, what was number 5a again?
To Be Continued… By All you Guys!!!!! J
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