> #325: Untold Tales of the Parodyverse: On The Return of the Junior Lair Legion (and on the Return of Caph)
>
> Go straight to Part 1: On the Return of the Caphans
> Go straight to Part 2: On the Fate of the Sons of Thonnagar
>
> Previously: There was a Parody War. In the closing stages of it, the Hooded Hood sprang a trap on the Parody Master by luring him to the planet Caph IX in the Andromeda Nebula then arranging for Galactivac, the Living Death that Sucks, to attack the planet. The Hood manipulated his son Danny Lyle, Danny’s probability arsonist girlfriend Kerry Shepherdson, and Zack Zelnitz, Hacker Nine (amongst many others) to achieve his ambush.
> Caph IX was already a troubled planet. Conquered by treachery by the last of the Thonnagarian pigeon-warriors then offered as a tribute to the Parody Master, the war of liberation was fought by Prince Kiivan, rightful Emir of All Caph, by Lord Vaahir of Viigo, warlord adventurer, Lady Ohanna of Raael, Kiivan’s best-beloved, by Shazana Pel, outcast pigeonwarrior, and by the Junior Lair Legion and their friends. It was Kiivan who triggered a time-shift acquired from the Keeper of the Chronometer of Infinity and sent the whole planet three months into the future to save it from otherwise inevitable destruction.
> Now the Parody War is over, the Parody Master destroyed. For the rest of the Parodyverse three months has passed since those terrible events. For the world that has blinked forward in time, and for the young Earth champions who were shifted with it – Fashion Accessory, Harlagaz Donarson, Ham-Boy, Kid Produce, Glitch, Captain Courageous, hacker Nine, and Falconne – but a few seconds has passed.
> Now the problems begin…
>
> Cast List
> Caph Recap
> Caph Lexicon
>
> For those who are really into continuity, this story probably takes place after Tom Black #1-3 and at the same time as The Compound #1-3, Shadowrat #1, and Untold Tales #323-4.
>
> Previous chapters at The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom.
> Descriptions of cast at Who's Who in the Parodyverse.
> Locations explained in Where's Where in the Parodyverse.
>
> ***
>
> On the Return of the Caphans:
>
> There’s no sound effect in deep space to accompany an Earth-sized planet sliding back into timespace. But on the starship hovering anxiously two light minutes outside the outer orbit of Caph IX the noise could roughly be described as “Woot!†At least the component of the cheers that came from the possibly-fake man known as Visionary.
>
> “It’s looking good and stable,†Mircandalee reported from the Main Stage of Mircandalee Tremensalor’s Travelling Vaudeville and Light Opera Auditorium (formerly known as the Avawarrior training ship Bloody Genocide). “I think Caph is back.â€Â
>
> Vizh was a little bit distracted by the sight of nine excited Caphan girls jumping up and down and clapping, but he took the time to thank the new proprietor of the space craft for the ride.
>
> Glory, the mutt of might, was as excited as all the rest. “Can we go down and see our friends, now?†she yipped, skittering around Vizh, her tail wagging so hard that her entire hind quarters swayed. “Can we?â€Â
>
> “I don’t see why not,†agreed Vizh. “Is everybody ready?â€Â
>
> “I can’t find the leash,†Danny warned.
>
> “I do not need a leash,†Glory objected. “I am a good dog.â€Â
>
> “I meant for Kerry,†noted the young man. He liked to live dangerously.
>
> “Are you insulting me, Danny Lyle?†the probability arsonist demanded. “On my birthday?â€Â
>
> “Nah,†Danny shrugged with a sly smile. “Happy eighteenth, Firecracker.â€Â
>
> “This way!†Glory barked, leading them towards the shuttle bay. “This way, everybody!†Her sheepdog instincts got the better of her when she was this worked up.
>
> A few of the Caphans girls were still staring at the green and blue planet they’d been sold away from so long ago. “Home?†said Sayaana, wistfully.
>
> “At last,†agreed Philaana.
>
> But some of the others looked less sure.
>
> ***
>
> “Um guys,†Ham-Boy noted, tentatively. “The time-stop’s finished. You could stop kissing now if you want to.â€Â
>
> Kiivan of Caph held Ohanna in his arms and completely ignored the world.
>
> “Or you could, um, keep going,†HB added.
>
> “Wasn’t Kiivan dying or something?†Fashion Accessory asked. “I distinctly remember having to create great wads of compression bandages for him and Ohanna.â€Â
>
> “It was a very subtle variation on the timeslip,†Glitch explained. “It accelerated their healing so they’re fully recovered now.â€Â
>
> “Besides,†Harlagaz grinned widely, “He hath fought the goodeth fight and so hath she. Tis a traditional ending to yon adventure, and the bestesth possible.â€Â
>
> “But they have to breathe sometime, right?†Falconne asked curiously. “Or do Caphans get special training?â€Â
>
> “Kiivan gave her a ring,†FA noted. “I don’t know what that means in Caph tradition, but on Earth…â€Â
>
> “Hey, he’s just changed the law so Caphan women can own slaves as well as Caphan men,†Kip Kipling reminded them. “That’s a massive social change, laying the steps for an eventual universal enfranchisement. Caphan slaves at least have a route now to buy themselves or their families free.â€Â
>
> Ham-Boy nodded. “Sure. He saved the planet, became Emir of All Caph. What’s he going to do now?â€Â
>
> Kid Produce snickered. “Looks like he’s going to Disneyland. On the big ticket ride.â€Â
>
> “You know,†Falconne noted wistfully, “the Caphans have thirty-seven different words for kinds of kissing.â€Â
>
> “These two are making up some more,†suggested Ham-Boy.
>
> “Verily,†beamed Harlagaz happily. “Mayhap now we canst assist with bringing the remnants of the collaborator scum to boot? I hast boots.â€Â
>
> “We should check on Vaahir, I guess,†agreed Fashion Accessory. “Maybe try and tear Shazana Pel off whoever she’s ripping open.â€Â
>
> “Some Thonngarians asked her to be their new leader,†Ham-Boy supplied. “She’s explaining her views to them.â€Â
>
> “We need new data,†suggested Glitch. “A moment passed for us in that time-slip. According to my onboard sensors three months has passed for the rest of the Parodyverse, a full Caphan year. We have to know what happened in the Parody War.â€Â
>
> “And maybe find a fire hose for Kiivan and Ohanna,†added Kid Produce.
>
> Hacker Nine checked his comm-pad for information. “I hate to spoil the good mood,†he interrupted, “but there’s a Parody warship just come into geosynchronous orbit above our heads.â€Â
>
> Kit Kipling was suddenly all business. “Are any of the ground to air defences still intact? We need to get…â€Â
>
> “It’s sending a message.â€Â
>
> Harlagaz scowled. “What message?â€Â
>
> H9 checked his padd again. “Um… They’re asking who stole the batteries out of Vizh’s remote control?â€Â
>
> ***
>
> On the Fate of the Sons of Thonnagar:
>
> “So what are you going to do with them?†Vaahir, Warlord of Caph, asked his closest ally in the war of liberation.
>
> Shazana Pel was the last of the Pigeonwarrior Elite, but she had been cast out and exiled from her people long before the remnant of them had tried to claim Caph as their new homeworld. Now that conquest had been taken from them, and the remnants of the Thonnagar invasion force was scattered, hunted, their ships destroyed and their numbers thinned with every passing hour. A half dozen tired warriors had come and surrendered personally to Pel, and the exile now had to decide their fate.
>
> “Well, I could always have them stuffed,†she suggested. “Or made into throw rugs.â€Â
>
> Vaahir considered this. “It can be arranged if you desire it. But I do not think that is what you truly desire.â€Â
>
> “Vaahir, you don’t understand. You have no idea what these k’vakh did to me…â€Â
>
> “Did they perhaps betray you, blacken your name, torture and debase your body, leave you homeless, directionless, bereft, and heartbroken, then turn to you deserving only your hatred and contempt and beg you to save their future?†ventured the Warlord. “Because if so then I suspect I can begin to understand what you’re feeling.â€Â
>
> Pel was abruptly reminded of Vaahir’s own dark experiences. “Ah. Maybe you can.â€Â
>
> “I know that I had all kinds of mixed feelings when you and the Hooded Hood dumped young Kiivan at my feet.â€Â
>
> “But Kiivan was a child. He hadn’t been an adult in the society that brought your whole race’s long and glorious history into dishonour and treachery.â€Â
>
> Vaahir nodded. “The parallels only go so far. And really, given my record, I’m hardly the ideal person to give you advice about doing the right thing. Or the sensible thing.â€Â
>
> “I should give them swift merciful deaths,†reasoned the pigeonwoman. “They have shamed themselves in their attack on your world, shamed themselves in their behaviour to your people when conquest was theirs, shamed themselves by being defeated when Caph fought back, and shamed themselves again by surrendering rather than by dying in combat.â€Â
>
> “I agree with most of that,†Vaahir said,†but not that last part. To die for no reason when a fight is lost, merely to kill enemies who could otherwise return to their homes and harems, to avoid facing the consequences of what they had done and not have to strive to make amends, that would not be honour. That is cowardice.â€Â
>
> Pel got the feeling again that Vaahir was speaking from experience.
>
> “Consider those wretches,†the Caphan said. “Once your world was a proud, complex place, powerful and storied. In one terrible day your planet was shattered into rubble. The source of your great abilities, the heart of your religion and culture, that z-alloy which allows you to control gravity, was lost. Only one in ten thousand of your population survived. The Great Eyrie which governed your civilisation was all but eradicated.†He looked around the ruined capital. “Disaster changes a people, twists them in ways nobody ever imagined.â€Â
>
> Shazana Pel glared over at the miserable huddled captives. They didn’t even need Vaahir’s soldiers pointing weapons at them. “Thonnagarians are not victims,†she said fiercely.
>
> “Anyone can suffer misfortune,†Vaahir suggested. “And sooner or later everyone tastes defeat. It is what we do next that decides whether we are victims.â€Â
>
> Pel looked at him sharply. “Defeat with honour is but victory delayed,†she quoted. “Someone told me that once.â€Â
>
> Vaahir looked back at the pyre where the Thonnagarian dead were being cremated. “ That old woman in charge of them, the last member of the Great Eyrie…â€Â
>
> “Ancient Shadara,†supplied Pel, her teeth naturally clenching at the thought of her grandmother.
>
> “Shadara, yes. She was still alive when we came out of that time-thing that Kiivan used to save us all. She spoke to some of her people, the ones tending to her.â€Â
>
> “Nothing Ancient Shadara said is of interest to me.â€Â
>
> “She revoked your exile,†Vaahir told her anyway. “And she named you leader of their people in her stead.â€Â
>
> Shazana Pel shrugged. “So? Her words mean nothing.â€Â
>
> “That was when the Pigeonwarriors stopped fighting. Now they’re just… waiting. Or running. Or dying.â€Â
>
> “Good,†said Pel. “Finish them off then. Rid the universe of this stain.â€Â
>
> Vaahir nodded again. “As you wish. But they serve to hear the judgement from you. Go over there and tell them of their fate.â€Â
>
> ***
>
> Pel looked at the captive pigeonwarriors. Stripped of their wings and their z-alloy they were just men, bloodied and exhausted and desolate. A grizzled old sergeant was in charge. All the others, three men and two women, looked far too young to wear the harness.
>
> They stood as Pel approached them. A Thonnagarian greets friend and enemy on their feet, ready for what is to come. One of the boys had to be helped to stand by the girl beside him.
>
> “Who are you?†Pel demanded of the Sergeant.
>
> “Aroth Kor, Seventh Wing, Ninth Flight, Second Flock,†he answered, standing stiffly to attention.
>
> “And why should I let you live?â€Â
>
> The old warrior looked baffled. “No… no reason at all,†he admitted at last.
>
> “No, none,†agreed Pel. “You have been led to dishonour. You followed to dishonour.â€Â
>
> She could see it in their eyes. They knew it. There was a dull fury, but only part of it was at the enemy that had defeated them. They waited for the sentence to be pronounced.
>
> “What service have you seen, Aroth Kor?†Pel demanded.
>
> “Earned my wings in the year of the Z’Sox War,†the sergeant answered. “I served in the Shee-Yar Infraction, and the Broob Invasion. I was at Celimbor, and at Kaath. Got promoted to sergeant after the brush with the Maxils. Third Skunk War, third Skree Blockade. Retired then, but got called back for the Crisis. And then…†he gestured round him, “Everything after that. All this.â€Â
>
> “That’s… a record anybody could be proud of,†Pel admitted. She looked over to where the captives’ wings had been careless tossed in feathery heaps. One of them had pinfeathers tipped with crimson and gold. “Three Awards of Merit,†she noted.
>
> “Yes,†agreed Kor. A Thonnagarian does not beg.
>
> “What about these others?†Pel asked, gesturing at the puppies.
>
> “First timers,†the sergeant answered. “None of them fledged to wingship when Thonnagar went. But we had so few, we had to bring them forward fast. There were enemies everywhere, ready to peck at us now we’d fallen. Everyone had to do what they could.â€Â
>
> “I remember,†Pel confessed. She’d been there in those terrible, desperate days, when a victory in the Transworld Challenge seemed like the only possible way for her people to endure. Back when they’d been her people.
>
> How good must vulnerable, backward Caph have looked to those dying survivors?
>
> One of the boys looked up. “Ancient Shadara fell,†he blurted. “You conquered her.†That makes us yours, was the unspoken codicil. Save us was what was written in each of the young faces. Save us from what we have become.
>
> “I don’t know how to lead a people,†Shazana Pel blurted, out loud.
>
> Aroth Kor still stood rigid. “But we know how to follow,†he answered.
>
> Shazana Pel could hear her dead grandmother’s laugher. She could see the Hooded Hood’s thin complicated smile. She could smell the pyre of a thousand Pigeonwarriors. She could taste her own fear.
>
> “You will swear allegiance to me now,†she told them, quickly, before she changed her mind. “In flight and rest, victory and loss, through blood and bone, honour and heroism, all the days of your existence until the last nest calls to you.â€Â
>
> “We swear it,†said Aroth Kor. There were tears on his cheeks as he repeated his vows. The others pledged themselves after him.
>
> “Damn,†said Pel. “This complicates things.â€Â
>
> ***
>
> Next: On the Restoration of the Lost Flowers of Caph
>
> ***
>
> Cast List:
>
> Mircandalee Tremensalor is of the alien race the Dramaatis, the last survivor of her troupe after the Parody War. She now owns and runs the former avawarrior training ship as a star-spanning vaudeville theatre.
>
> Visionary, possibly-fake man and headmaster of the Junior Lair Legion training programme, was formerly the accidental owner of nine Caphan slave girls, including Miiri who later mothered his twin children.
>
> Glory, the pooch of power, is a superpowered and highly intelligent border collie who works with the metahuman agent Mr Epitome. She is also the Junior Lair Legion’s teaching assistant.
>
> Danny Lyle (Denial) is a rebel without a cause, dating Kerry Shepherdson. He is also the son of the Hooded Hood and madame Symmetry, the Shaper of Worlds.
>
> Kerry Shepherdson probability-twisting pyromaniac, is the former ward and current adopted little sister of Visionary.
>
> Sayaana is a Caphan pleasure slave, one of three daughters born to the Chieftain Ytirar out of Illia the Fair, and one of nine Caphans rescued by the Lair Legion to sojourn on Earth. She and her triplet siblings are sometimes called the lost Jewels of Caph.
>
> Philaana is another of the nine exiled Caphan slaves, and is younger sister to Sayaana.
>
> Ham-Boy (Fred Harris) is an alumni of the Junior Lair Legion. The world’s meatiest hero has the ability to create and control raw meat products.
>
> Prince Kiivan, Emir of All Caph, is the rightful heir to the Caliphate and liberator of his homeworld. He escaped when Caph was invaded by Thonnagarians, trained in different times and places, and returned just over am Eath year later having grown to adulthood to save his people.
>
> Ohanna of Raael is Kiivan’s constant companion, and as the Caphans would put it “his heart’s desire and best belovedâ€Â. She is younger sister to the exiled Caphan Miiri, and arguably the most extensively offworld-trained woman of Caph.
>
> Fashion Accessory (Samantha Bonnington) is a fabric-manipulating teen catwalk model, all-round valley girl, and member of the Junior Lair Legion. Her best friend is Kerry Shepherdson.
>
> Glitch is a female Autobot from a distant galaxy, sent to monitor and protect life on Earth. She’s just discovering a fetish for human boys.
>
> Harlagaz Donarson is the son of Donar, Ausgardian hemigod of thunder. He’s also a member of the Junior Lair Legion.
>
> Falconne (Belinda “Lindy†Wilson) is younger sister of the missing-in-action legionnaire Falcon and has inherited his combat flight suit.
>
> Captain Courageous (Kip Kipling) is a young British agent of Project: Pendragon, gifted with enhanced physical abilities and cursed with an absolute sense of morality.
>
> Kid Produce (Jasper Stevens) was a member of the JBH (Justa Bunch of Heroes) until tragedy struck and the love of his life Jackie Rabbit was taken from him. Now he is a morose, brooding loner who retains the ability to generate any kind of enhanced fruit or vegetable from his magic apron.
>
> Vaahir of Viigo is Caph’s greatest warlord, Prince Kiivan’s mentor and right-hand man in retaking Caph. Vaahir’s passion for the Lady Kaara of Jaaxa is celebrated in song and story.
>
> Shazana Pel is an outcast Thonnagarian warrior who stood against her own people as an ally of Kiivan and Vaahir. Her grandmother, Pigeonwarrior leader Ancient Shadara, last of the Great Eyrie, whom Pel defeated in battle and mortally wounded, has not yet finished with her.
>
> Hacker Nine (Zachary Zelnitz) is an anarchist computer whiz from the distant dimension of Technopolis. He recently served an apprenticeship with the Hooded Hood that almost led him to betray his friends to destruction.
>
> Ancient Shadara was the last of the ruling Great Eyrie of Thonnagar before it’s destruction in the Crisis on Multiple Earths. Hers was the iron rule that gathered the survivors of the once-mighty warrior race and sought victory in the Transworlds Challenge. She was the secret initiator of her grand-daughter’s exile for failure, “softness to the enemyâ€Â, and blasphemy during that contest – apparently to test Shazana Pel’s worthiness as a successor. Shadara was the architect of the invasion of Caph, and died of wounds she took in its final rebellion against her rule.
>
> Aroth Kor appears for the first time in this story. He’s a grizzled veteran Pigeonwarrior now sworn to the service of Shazana Pel.
>
> ***
> Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2008 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2008 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
>
|
|
