> > #325: Untold Tales of the Parodyverse: On The Return of the Junior Lair Legion (and on the Return of Caph)
> >
> > Previously: There was a Parody War. In the closing stages of it, the Hooded Hood sprang a trap on the Parody Master by luring him to the planet Caph IX in the Andromeda Nebula then arranging for Galactivac, the Living Death that Sucks, to attack the planet. The Hood manipulated his son Danny Lyle, Danny’s probability arsonist girlfriend Kerry Shepherdson, and Zack Zelnitz, Hacker Nine (amongst many others) to achieve his ambush.
> > Caph IX was already a troubled planet. Conquered by treachery by the last of the Thonnagarian pigeon-warriors then offered as a tribute to the Parody Master, the war of liberation was fought by Prince Kiivan, rightful Emir of All Caph, by Lord Vaahir of Viigo, warlord adventurer, Lady Ohanna of Raael, Kiivan’s best-beloved, by Shazana Pel, outcast pigeonwarrior, and by the Junior Lair Legion and their friends. It was Kiivan who triggered a time-shift acquired from the Keeper of the Chronometer of Infinity and sent the whole planet three months into the future to save it from otherwise inevitable destruction.
> > Now the Parody War is over, the Parody Master destroyed. For the rest of the Parodyverse three months has passed since those terrible events. For the world that has blinked forward in time, and for the young Earth champions who were shifted with it – Fashion Accessory, Harlagaz Donarson, Ham-Boy, Kid Produce, Glitch, Captain Courageous, hacker Nine, and Falconne – but a few seconds has passed.
> > Now the problems begin…
> >
> > Cast List
> > Caph Recap
> > Caph Lexicon
> >
> > For those who are really into continuity, this story probably takes place after Tom Black #1-3 and at the same time as The Compound #1-3, Shadowrat #1, and Untold Tales #323-4.
> >
> > Previous chapters at The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom.
> > Descriptions of cast at Who's Who in the Parodyverse.
> > Locations explained in Where's Where in the Parodyverse.
> >
> > ***
> >
> > On the Return of the Caphans:
> >
> > There’s no sound effect in deep space to accompany an Earth-sized planet sliding back into timespace. But on the starship hovering anxiously two light minutes outside the outer orbit of Caph IX the noise could roughly be described as “Woot!†At least the component of the cheers that came from the possibly-fake man known as Visionary.
> >
> > “It’s looking good and stable,†Mircandalee reported from the Main Stage of Mircandalee Tremensalor’s Travelling Vaudeville and Light Opera Auditorium (formerly known as the Avawarrior training ship Bloody Genocide). “I think Caph is back.â€Â
> >
> > Vizh was a little bit distracted by the sight of nine excited Caphan girls jumping up and down and clapping, but he took the time to thank the new proprietor of the space craft for the ride.
> >
> > Glory, the mutt of might, was as excited as all the rest. “Can we go down and see our friends, now?†she yipped, skittering around Vizh, her tail wagging so hard that her entire hind quarters swayed. “Can we?â€Â
> >
> > “I don’t see why not,†agreed Vizh. “Is everybody ready?â€Â
> >
> > “I can’t find the leash,†Danny warned.
> >
> > “I do not need a leash,†Glory objected. “I am a good dog.â€Â
> >
> > “I meant for Kerry,†noted the young man. He liked to live dangerously.
> >
> > “Are you insulting me, Danny Lyle?†the probability arsonist demanded. “On my birthday?â€Â
> >
> > “Nah,†Danny shrugged with a sly smile. “Happy eighteenth, Firecracker.â€Â
> >
> > “This way!†Glory barked, leading them towards the shuttle bay. “This way, everybody!†Her sheepdog instincts got the better of her when she was this worked up.
> >
> > A few of the Caphans girls were still staring at the green and blue planet they’d been sold away from so long ago. “Home?†said Sayaana, wistfully.
> >
> > “At last,†agreed Philaana.
> >
> > But some of the others looked less sure.
> >
> > ***
> >
> > “Um guys,†Ham-Boy noted, tentatively. “The time-stop’s finished. You could stop kissing now if you want to.â€Â
> >
> > Kiivan of Caph held Ohanna in his arms and completely ignored the world.
> >
> > “Or you could, um, keep going,†HB added.
> >
> > “Wasn’t Kiivan dying or something?†Fashion Accessory asked. “I distinctly remember having to create great wads of compression bandages for him and Ohanna.â€Â
> >
> > “It was a very subtle variation on the timeslip,†Glitch explained. “It accelerated their healing so they’re fully recovered now.â€Â
> >
> > “Besides,†Harlagaz grinned widely, “He hath fought the goodeth fight and so hath she. Tis a traditional ending to yon adventure, and the bestesth possible.â€Â
> >
> > “But they have to breathe sometime, right?†Falconne asked curiously. “Or do Caphans get special training?â€Â
> >
> > “Kiivan gave her a ring,†FA noted. “I don’t know what that means in Caph tradition, but on Earth…â€Â
> >
> > “Hey, he’s just changed the law so Caphan women can own slaves as well as Caphan men,†Kip Kipling reminded them. “That’s a massive social change, laying the steps for an eventual universal enfranchisement. Caphan slaves at least have a route now to buy themselves or their families free.â€Â
> >
> > Ham-Boy nodded. “Sure. He saved the planet, became Emir of All Caph. What’s he going to do now?â€Â
> >
> > Kid Produce snickered. “Looks like he’s going to Disneyland. On the big ticket ride.â€Â
> >
> > “You know,†Falconne noted wistfully, “the Caphans have thirty-seven different words for kinds of kissing.â€Â
> >
> > “These two are making up some more,†suggested Ham-Boy.
> >
> > “Verily,†beamed Harlagaz happily. “Mayhap now we canst assist with bringing the remnants of the collaborator scum to boot? I hast boots.â€Â
> >
> > “We should check on Vaahir, I guess,†agreed Fashion Accessory. “Maybe try and tear Shazana Pel off whoever she’s ripping open.â€Â
> >
> > “Some Thonngarians asked her to be their new leader,†Ham-Boy supplied. “She’s explaining her views to them.â€Â
> >
> > “We need new data,†suggested Glitch. “A moment passed for us in that time-slip. According to my onboard sensors three months has passed for the rest of the Parodyverse, a full Caphan year. We have to know what happened in the Parody War.â€Â
> >
> > “And maybe find a fire hose for Kiivan and Ohanna,†added Kid Produce.
> >
> > Hacker Nine checked his comm-pad for information. “I hate to spoil the good mood,†he interrupted, “but there’s a Parody warship just come into geosynchronous orbit above our heads.â€Â
> >
> > Kit Kipling was suddenly all business. “Are any of the ground to air defences still intact? We need to get…â€Â
> >
> > “It’s sending a message.â€Â
> >
> > Harlagaz scowled. “What message?â€Â
> >
> > H9 checked his padd again. “Um… They’re asking who stole the batteries out of Vizh’s remote control?â€Â
> >
> > ***
> >
> > Next: On the Fate of the Sons of Thonnagar
> >
> > ***
> >
> > Cast List:
> >
> > Mircandalee Tremensalor is of the alien race the Dramaatis, the last survivor of her troupe after the Parody War. She now owns and runs the former avawarrior training ship as a star-spanning vaudeville theatre.
> >
> > Visionary, possibly-fake man and headmaster of the Junior Lair Legion training programme, was formerly the accidental owner of nine Caphan slave girls, including Miiri who later mothered his twin children.
> >
> > Glory, the pooch of power, is a superpowered and highly intelligent border collie who works with the metahuman agent Mr Epitome. She is also the Junior Lair Legion’s teaching assistant.
> >
> > Danny Lyle (Denial) is a rebel without a cause, dating Kerry Shepherdson. He is also the son of the Hooded Hood and madame Symmetry, the Shaper of Worlds.
> >
> > Kerry Shepherdson probability-twisting pyromaniac, is the former ward and current adopted little sister of Visionary.
> >
> > Sayaana is a Caphan pleasure slave, one of three daughters born to the Chieftain Ytirar out of Illia the Fair, and one of nine Caphans rescued by the Lair Legion to sojourn on Earth. She and her triplet siblings are sometimes called the lost Jewels of Caph.
> >
> > Philaana is another of the nine exiled Caphan slaves, and is younger sister to Sayaana.
> >
> > Ham-Boy (Fred Harris) is an alumni of the Junior Lair Legion. The world’s meatiest hero has the ability to create and control raw meat products.
> >
> > Prince Kiivan, Emir of All Caph, is the rightful heir to the Caliphate and liberator of his homeworld. He escaped when Caph was invaded by Thonnagarians, trained in different times and places, and returned just over am Eath year later having grown to adulthood to save his people.
> >
> > Ohanna of Raael is Kiivan’s constant companion, and as the Caphans would put it “his heart’s desire and best belovedâ€Â. She is younger sister to the exiled Caphan Miiri, and arguably the most extensively offworld-trained woman of Caph.
> >
> > Fashion Accessory (Samantha Bonnington) is a fabric-manipulating teen catwalk model, all-round valley girl, and member of the Junior Lair Legion. Her best friend is Kerry Shepherdson.
> >
> > Glitch is a female Autobot from a distant galaxy, sent to monitor and protect life on Earth. She’s just discovering a fetish for human boys.
> >
> > Harlagaz Donarson is the son of Donar, Ausgardian hemigod of thunder. He’s also a member of the Junior Lair Legion.
> >
> > Falconne (Belinda “Lindy†Wilson) is younger sister of the missing-in-action legionnaire Falcon and has inherited his combat flight suit.
> >
> > Captain Courageous (Kip Kipling) is a young British agent of Project: Pendragon, gifted with enhanced physical abilities and cursed with an absolute sense of morality.
> >
> > Kid Produce (Jasper Stevens) was a member of the JBH (Justa Bunch of Heroes) until tragedy struck and the love of his life Jackie Rabbit was taken from him. Now he is a morose, brooding loner who retains the ability to generate any kind of enhanced fruit or vegetable from his magic apron.
> >
> > Vaahir of Viigo is Caph’s greatest warlord, Prince Kiivan’s mentor and right-hand man in retaking Caph. Vaahir’s passion for the Lady Kaara of Jaaxa is celebrated in song and story.
> >
> > Shazana Pel is an outcast Thonnagarian warrior who stood against her own people as an ally of Kiivan and Vaahir. Her grandmother, Pigeonwarrior leader Ancient Shadara, last of the Great Eyrie, whom Pel defeated in battle and mortally wounded, has not yet finished with her.
> >
> > Hacker Nine (Zachary Zelnitz) is an anarchist computer whiz from the distant dimension of Technopolis. He recently served an apprenticeship with the Hooded hood that almost led him to betray his friends to destruction.
> >
> > ***
> > Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2008 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2008 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
> >
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