Adventures in Parodyverse - Stand Up


    (a short time before the inquiry)

    The Lair Mansion’s library was quiet late at night, occupied by a single curious soul.

    Lara Night had been visiting the Lair Legion for the last couple of days.  Since they were kind enough to put her up for nights during her visit, she earned the license to assume her usual semi-nocturnal schedule.

    Back home, it seemed the criminal and violent enterprises her services had been required to squelch mostly took place between the late afternoon and the early hours after midnight.  Rather than deal with the lack of sleep she simply adjusted her schedule to one more suitable.

    At the Lair Mansion, that left her a few hours at night alone.  With the exception of Flapjack, who seemed to never sleep - but he never spoke with her during that time, he just lurked and leered.  And possibly CSFB! and April, who she hardly saw at night, but she could hear occasionally.  And sometimes Liu Xi, but she mostly kept to herself at night.

    Many of those nights, usually when nothing good was on television, she took it upon herself to learn about the history of the Parodyverse.  Sir Mumphrey Wilton was kind enough to assemble quite a collection of history books in the Library...so she went there late at night to leaf through them, sitting in the overstuffed chair in front of the fireplace.  She was in casual clothing, just an old bright yellow shirt, sneakers, and jeans - after all, she wasn’t expecting anything exciting to happen.

    She never expected to see three men in suits floating a few inches above the ground near the doorway of the Library.  Fortunately her career as a superhero, as well as her time visiting the Parodyverse, allowed her to skip past any fear a normal person might have felt.  Instead she raised an eyebrow and placed the book on the coffee table with its open pages facing down to save her place.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I believe you’re tresspassing,”  Lara informed them calmly as she rose from the overstuffed chair.  Of course, the small blonde seemed a lot less intimidating on her feet, standing before three rather tall men, who were floating in the air, making them taller and more frightening than usual.

    One of them handed her a business card.  She read it aloud.  “‘Noseous Org?’”  she read.  “Is that supposed to mean something to me?” 

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“We are investigating the current Keeper of the Chronometer of Infinity.”  Mr. Org quickly summarized, sounding official.

    Lara stood defiantly, staring the three of them down with the confidence of someone who had seen far, far scarier things.  “Well...that’s not me, so...why are you talking to me?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“We’re looking for witnesses...those who might testify to his...misuse of office during the Parody Master war.”  Mr. Org said.

    She frowned when she realized what was happening.  It was some sort of committee, and like the similar congressional ones on television.  Or possibly more similar to the Inquisition, in that they were looking for scapegoats to crucify.  “Find someone else.”  she said plainly.  She tossed the business card into the wastebasket near the work desk in the Library.  “And I think it’s time I showed you out.”

    Mr. Org looked at his two companions.  Then his face darkened.  “I don’t understand this...misplaced loyalty.  You’re an outsider, Miss Night.  What difference does the fate of this old fool matter to you?  After all, didn’t he treat you with suspicion when you first arrived?  Berate you for your behavior?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s just Mumph.”  Lara replied with a shrug.  “Once I ‘earned my wings’, so to speak though...now the man would walk through a fiery desert just to offer me his only glass of water.  That’s the kind of guy he is.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“If you refuse to testify we have the authority to put you on The List.”  Mr. Org threatened.  “Persona non grata.  Every time you come to the Parodyverse you’ll be hunted by the Cosmic Office Holders as a danger and a threat.  So will anyone who associates with you.”

    Lara set her jaw and crossed her arms angrily.  “Look, we can threaten each other all night and I’ll still win because you’re freaks.  So instead, tell me why you want me so badly?”

    There was silence from the three of them.  Lara’s frown faded as she realized what was going on.  They needed someone with cosmic significance because they weren’t sure they could physically take the watch from Mumph, and they needed to recruit help - even if it had to be through blackmail.  “You know you can’t take the watch from him, don’t you?”  she taunted.  “You want me to do it!”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s not true!”  Mr. Org insisted angrily.  “We simply...need someone with the ability to understand trans-dimensional matters to testify.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Ohhhhh.”  Lara nodded slowly, making it obvious she didn’t believe him.  “So I guess someone like, oh, Al B Harper, doesn’t count.”  She paused then as a chilling thought came to mind.  Who would they harass next if she resisted?  “Hey, who’s number two on your witness list?  If you fail to get me, that is?”

    Mr. Org smirked almost evilly.  “Samantha Featherstone.”  he replied.  He obviously was well prepared to push Lara’s buttons.

    Lara frowned again, and looked even more angry than last time.  “Fine,”  she said.  “I’ll testify...but expect a really, really hostile witness.”  Lara jabbed him hard in the chest twice to emphasize the ‘really’ part.  “In exchange...you leave Sam alone.  I’m not usually a violent person, but...you know what I’m capable of, and I’m dead serious about this.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Excellent,”  Mr. Org said, ignoring Lara’s threat.  He then opened his briefcase.

    The scenery changed rather suddenly, from the Lair Mansion Library to a familiar yet different room.  A room furnished entirely in mahogany, including the walls and the furniture.  Thick carpeting covered the floor.  It looked like an attorney’s office, or a judge, or an officer of a large company.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Is this your office?”  Lara asked as she looked around.

    Mr. Org ignored the question and sat in a thick, shiny leather chair behind the one highly polished desk in the room.  The chair creaked noisly as he sat in it.  He looked over his banker’s lamp as he spoke, giving his eyes and face an unearthly green hue, “I’m going to ask you a few questions, and you’re going to answer them truthfully.”

    So it was a lawyer’s office, Lara thought to herself.  “Okay,”  she replied as she sat across the desk from him in a low-backed rounded leather chair.  She had given depositions before.  “Are your two silent friends here for a reason?”

    That question was ignored too, and the two silent suited men didn’t even react.  Though the question was sort of answered when yet another silent person entered the room, sat down in the other rounded low-backed chair, and began taking notes without speaking a word.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re all business around here aren’t you?”  the blonde asked.  She knew she wouldn’t get a response, but it was fun to ask them questions they didn’t expect.

    Mr. Org went on with that business.  “You are aware that Sir Mumphrey is forbidden to take any action which can significantly change the timeline in the Parodyverse?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes.”  Lara nodded.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“And you’re aware that Sir Mumphrey fighting the Parody Master, using the Chronometer, qualifies as changing the timeline?”

    Lara shook her head.  “No.”

    Mr. Org looked at his two companions.  “Excuse me?  Do you honestly believe removing the Parody Master from power has no bearing on the timeline of the Parodyverse?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“No.”  Lara replied confidently.  “I believe Sir Mumphrey didn’t do it.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re going to have to explain, Miss.”  he said.

    She smiled patiently.  “Ever hear the saying many hands make light work?”  She shook her head.  “Yeah, the Parody Master couldn’t have been beaten without Mumph’s help.  But he wouldn’t have lasted a full minute without all the others who helped.  I probably did as much to help unseat the Parody Master as Mumph did.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“So you admit Sir Mumphrey used the Chronometer against the Parody Master?”  Mr. Org asked as he wrote something down as well.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“We all used everything we had,”  Lara replied diplomatically.  She had to deal with lawyers at home, too.  “But if you want to talk misuse of Cosmic Artifacts, what about the Parody Master?  He melted a bunch of them in a forge to use them to take over the universe.”

    Mr. Org fell as silent as his two companions.  He began to shuffle papers around his desk as if he had suddenly been thrown off his questioning.  “And another matter.”  Org added quickly as he found the paper he was looking for.  “Your interference in the affairs of the realm of the Cosmic Officers.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“When did this become about me?”  she asked, crossing her arms angrily.

    Mr. Org wasn’t fazed by her demeanor.  “You yourself admitted working to change the fate of this universe, when it’s quite obviously not your domain.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Just me being here changes the fate of the universe.”  Lara pointed out.  “Every time I drink a cup of water here I take something away from the universe when I leave.  Every cup of water I drink at home and bring here with me changes something here.  There’s nothing I can do, really, besides try to keep it balanced--”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Or stay home where you belong,”  Mr. Org suggested coldly.  “Which is something we have been considering enforcing.”

    Lara stood and placed her palms firmly on the desk.  She was tired of playing nice with these paper pushers.  “You have neither the power nor the authority,”  she informed him calmly.

    He smirked as he replied, “Perhaps we can’t prevent you from coming here, or send you back.  But we can sanction you every time you arrive.  And those who illegally associate with you.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I see what this is.”  Lara sat back down, crossing her arms again.  “You want me to go along with whatever you have planned for Mumph, and since you lack the power to harm me, you’ll threaten everyone I care about till I cooperate.”

    Mr. Org didn’t reply to that.  He didn’t have to.

    Lara bit her lip and thought for a moment.  “Okay, I’m going to be a sport about this.”  She was trying to appear calm, though anger was still seething below the surface.  “Because I know Mumph can defend himself.  I want to see him make complete fools of all of you, and when he does, I’ll be laughing.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Miss Night, this doesn’t help your case or Sir Mumphrey’s”  Mr. Org warned her.

    She ignored him and stood again, this time forcing herself to be more calm.  “But you stick to Mumph, and your case with him, understand?  Because if you harass me, or Sam, or anyone besides Mumph...I’m going to bring trouble of my own.  Tell me you understand.”

    Mr. Org inched back a little as Lara leaned over the desk this time.  He finally nodded once.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I knew you would.”  Lara pressed the palm of her left hand against the smooth desk.  The polished surface split in two, and the pungent smell of burned wood, like a tree that had just been hit by lightning, filled the room.  Then she vanished in a flash of light.

    An instant later, she was safely back in the Lair Mansion Library.  She picked up the book she had put down earlier, and dropped herself into the overstuffed chair to resume reading.  Then she had an occurring thought.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hey, Flapjack!”  she called out, not loudly, but with enough volume so she knew he would hear.  He was always lurking somewhere nearby.

    The heavy curtains by the windows moved ever so slightly, and Flapjack slipped between them.  “Yes?”  he asked, sounding hopeful and disgusting at the same time.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You know those three guys who were just here?  Let’s keep that between us, okay?  When they show up and harass Mumph, I want him at his angriest.”  Lara smirked as she added, “And don’t forget to videotape it.”

    Flapjack looked excited as he skipped out of the Lair Mansion Library happily, grabbing his video camera as he went.


TO BE CONTINUED?


-- Story written and copyrighted (C) 2008 by Jason Froikin, and may not be 
--    reprinted without permission.  
-- Yuki Shiro designed by Jason Froikin, based on designs by Masamune Shirow
--  Liu Xi Xian and the Psychic Samurai are original design by Jason Froikin
--  Lara Night is an original creation by Jason Froikin