Tales of the Parodyverse >> View Post
Post By
jack
In Reply To
CrazySugarFreakBoy!

Member Since: Sun Jan 04, 2004
Posts: 1,235
Subj: The properties of the silly suit are very useful...
Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 at 12:38:35 pm EST
Reply Subj: The Moderator Saga: The Impossible Win
Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 03:10:00 am EST (Viewed 615 times)


> The Moderator Saga: The Impossible Win
>
> The Dominator had beaten CrazySugarFreakBoy! bloody across 10 city blocks, for as many minutes, even though CrazySugarFreakBoy! had stopped fighting back less than five minutes into it.
>
> And if you don’t think that’s a long time, try counting it out
> one
> second
> at
> a time.
>
> “You know what your problem is?” the Dominator bantered, even as a single backhanded blow from him sent CrazySugarFreakBoy! sailing through several walls of a Seedytown tenement building. “You refuse to accept things. The Moderator handed you the life you were meant to live, but you’re so spoiled and willful that you won’t submit to it … not without being broken, anyway,” he dragged CrazySugarFreakBoy! back outside, “which is where I come in.”
>
> “I don’t do Kübler-Ross stages of grief,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! barely managed to wheeze, even as he shut his eyes tight and trembled uncontrollably. “I’ve never accepted anything in my entire life.”
>
> “Of course not,” the Dominator yanked CrazySugarFreakBoy! up from the ground, where he’d curled into fetal position, by the collar of his Silly Suit, before slapping him across the face with the force of a thunder-crack. “You refuse to accept reality. That’s why you’re weak, and that’s why I’ll always win … because I am reality. It’s impossible for me to lose. I’m an irresistible force, and you’re not an immovable object.”
>
> “Neither are you, you fascist asshole,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! scoffed with a wet cough.
>
> The Dominator scowled and kneed CrazySugarFreakBoy! in the groin, hard enough to fracture his pelvic bone.
>
> “How’s that again, deviant?” the Dominator growled in a low voice, practically purring in CrazySugarFreakBoy’s! ear.
>
> “I’m a living, breathing engine of impossibility,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! sputtered out through lungfuls of neon green blood. “My body’s the battery, and my Silly Suit is the converter.”
>
> “Yeah, you’re an Impossibilitium engine,” the Dominator summarized with a snort, punctuating his point with a jab to CrazySugarFreakBoy’s! solar plexus, “powered by sugar and caffeine, which is why The Moderator deleted your Black Hole Backpack full of soda and candy. You’ve been running on empty since this fight started.”
>
> CrazySugarFreakBoy! made a hacking, gargling noise that sounded suspiciously like laughter.
>
> “I absorb potential and kinetic energy, and transform each into the other,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! drooled neon green blood as he bared his teeth, “and you’ve been hitting me with … irresistible amounts of force.”
>
> CrazySugarFreakBoy! spotted that the Dominator’s sneer had faltered, even through his own tightly squinted eyelids, and he snarled, “The hardest part wasn’t taking the pain, but taking the force of the blows, drawing all of that energy into myself, so deep that it wouldn’t even show up as a glow.”
>
> The Dominator’s grip slackened slightly on CrazySugarFreakBoy’s! collar, as he realized that CrazySugarFreakBoy! wasn’t trembling, but … vibrating.
>
> “You may be an irresistible force, but you’re not an immovable object,” CrazySugarFreakBoy’s! neon green eyes shot open, their brightness nearly blinding the Dominator, “and I’m about to prove it.”
>
> “This is impossible,” the Dominator’s face fell, as even the worst of CrazySugarFreakBoy’s! wounds began healing themselves before his panic-widened eyes. “I won’t accept it! I can’t lose! IT’S LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO LOSE!!!”
>
> CrazySugarFreakBoy! cocked his fist back and swung his left arm forward. “AND I AM IMPOSSIBLE.”
> __________
>
> Every car and home alarm system within a five-mile radius went off.
>
> Every window, television screen and glass within five city blocks shattered.
>
> Every exposed concrete surface within 500 feet cracked and crumbled.
>
> Everything within the 50-foot-wide smoking crater surrounding CrazySugarFreakBoy! was reduced to silicate grains.
>
> The force of CrazySugarFreakBoy’s! blow had knocked the Dominator all the way into the sea, just past the mouth of the Parodiopolis Sound.
>
> And CrazySugarFreakBoy! had dropped to his knees, propping himself up on his right arm as he vomited up neon green blood.
>
> “Yeah,” he groaned as the smoke cleared, “I don’t think I’ll be doing that again anytime soon.”
>
> He pulled himself unsteadily to his feet, just as the cameras finally caught sight of him again through the smoke.
>
> “And that was the Dominator,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! addressed the cameras, which he knew were broadcasting live on all channels. “Like he said, it was literally impossible for him to lose. Except that he did. To me.”
>
> He moved to throw up his arms in challenge, even though he couldn’t feel the left one, which he was starting to suspect he’d broken in the blow.
>
> “So … who’s next?” CrazySugarFreakBoy! shouted, until the oddly off-center aim of the cameras caused him to glance toward his left side, and notice that he no longer had a left arm at all.
>
> “Well … shit,” he grumbled. “This complicates things.”