I'm a fan of many robots and other A.I.'s, in and out of the Parodyverse, so I guess I'll have to work through the various archetypes. Today, I thought I'd start with the "insane computer" archetype.

HAL was a bore, and Skynet never got any good screen time. I think I have to give the nod to relative newcomer GLaDOS (Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System), the computer that runs the Aperture Science Enrichment Center Testing Program in the new video game Portal.

Sure, her test protocols seems mostly designed to kill me for no apparent reason... and maybe she did force me to euthanize my faithful Weighted Companion Cube (a crate with a reassuring heart painted on the side)... and, well... I'm highly doubtful she was ever going to give me the cake I was promised at the end of the testing... but I did grow quite attached to her. Even after I learned that there wasn't anybody left alive in the Enrichment Center, and had to kill her to escape. At least she had personality. Some favorite quotes:

"Cake, and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test. Thank you for helping us help you help us all."

"Look - we're both stuck in this place. I'll use lasers to inscribe a line down the center of the facility, and one half will be where you live, and I'll live in the other half. We won't have to try to kill each other or even talk if we don't feel like it."

"There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend the companion cube. Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn't come either because you don't have any other friends because of how unlikable you are. Unlikable, it says so here in your personnel file: Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. SHALL. NOT. BE. MOURNED. That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you're adopted, so that's funny too."


Even better, she gives her final report after your escape, in the form of a Jonathon Coulton song:



This was a triumph!
I'm making a note here:
"HUGE SUCCESS!!"

It's hard to overstate
my satisfaction.

Aperture Science:
We do what we must
because we can.

For the good of all of us.
Except the ones who are dead.

But there's no sense crying
over every mistake.
You just keep on trying
till you run out of cake.
And the science gets done.
And you make a neat gun
for the people who are
still alive.

I'm not even angry...
I'm being so sincere right now-
Even though you broke my heart,
and killed me.

And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you!

Now, these points of data
make a beautiful line.
And we're out of beta.
We're releasing on time!
So I'm glad I got burned-
Think of all the things we learned-
for the people who are
still alive.

Go ahead and leave me...
I think I'd prefer to stay inside...
Maybe you'll find someone else
to help you?
Maybe Black Mesa?
That was a joke! HAHA!! FAT CHANCE!!

Anyway this cake is great!
It's so delicious and moist!

Look at me: still talking
when there's science to do!
When I look out there,
it makes me glad I'm not you.

I've experiments to run.
There is research to be done.
On the people who are
still alive.
And believe me I am
still alive.
I'm doing science and I'm
still alive.
I feel fantastic and I'm
still alive.
While you're dying I'll be
still alive.
And when you're dead I will be
still alive.

Still alive.

Still alive.