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> > #323: Untold Daily Tales of the Lair Legion versus [Spoiler you won’t be able to guess]
> >
> > What you need to know to follow this story: The Parodyverse’s greatest heroes are the Lair Legion. Led by Hatman (Jay Boaz) and his deputy CrazySugarFreakBoy! (Dreamcatcher Foxglove), the team also includes the loathsome elder being the Manga Shoggoth, G-man superman Mr Epitome (Dominic Clancy), cyborg P.I. Yuki Shiro, the Librarian (Lee Bookman), archscientist Al B. Harper, and the possibly-fake Visionary (Vizh isn’t in this chapter, since he’s busy with Untold Tales #324). The Legion are headquartered at the Lair Mansion on Parody Island, supported by some unusual staff including computer sentience Hallie and loathsome hunchbacked butler Flapjack.
> >
> > It’s been a tough year for our heroes. Even before the intergalactic Parody War from which the team is still recovering the Legion had to survive a government attempt to control all superheroes through a Metahuman Registration Act. The team finally exposed this manipulation as the work of the mysterious Shadow Cabinet, and have kept the Cabinet’s operative Edward Cromlyn (a.k.a. Gramayre) incarcerated for questioning in their mansion ever since, slowly assembling a case to find and bring down the sinister arch-conspiracy.
> >
> > For those who are really into continuity, this story probably takes place after Tom Black #1-3 and at the same time as The Compound #1-3, Shadowrat #1, and Untold Tales #324.
> >
> > This story is dedicated to those people who wanted some lighter, shorter, and more regular material.
> >
> > Previous chapters at The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom.
> > Descriptions of cast at Who's Who in the Parodyverse.
> > Locations explained in Where's Where in the Parodyverse.
> >
> > ***
> >
> > “Francis Edward Cornhill,†briefed Contessa Natalia Romanza, flicking the projector slide to show a middle-aged man in a grey business suit. “Secret Service courier, nineteen years service. He was last seen yesterday. Then he vanished.â€Â
> >
> > “I’m sorry to hear that,†Hatman admitted, “but what makes this Lair Legion business?â€Â
> >
> > “Two reasons,†answered the superspy agent of the Super-menace Principal Undercover Directorate. “The first is how he vanished.†She pressed a button on the remote and the projected image switched to CCTV footage of Cornhill entering an elevator in a building lobby somewhere. The décor was government institutional. “This is from the lobby camera, Cornhill getting into the elevator. This is Cornhill in the elevator from the internal car camera.â€Â
> >
> > Hatman and CrazySugarFreakBoy! watched as Cornhill checked his tie in the mirrored back of the elevator. Then he blinked out – simply disappeared! The last CCTV shot was from the ninth floor landing and the empty lift opening.
> >
> > “Okay, that’s definitely metahuman,†CSFB! enthused. “Teleportation, invisibility, disintegration, time travel…â€Â
> >
> > “You said there were two reasons we should be involved,†Hatman interrupted his enthusiastic deputy. “What’s the second one?â€Â
> >
> > “It’s what Cornhill was carrying in that briefcase he had with him, there in the FBI headquarters in Memphis, Tennessee,†the Contessa answered. “He had the entire case files of the ongoing investigation into Edward Cromlyn and the Shadow Cabinet.â€Â
> >
> > ***
> >
> > “Okay, I’ve checked the crime scene,†Al B. Harper reported over his comm-card to Hatty. “All the usual scans for dimensional and temporal displacement and whatnot. There’s some kind of residual signature, but it’s not anything I’ve ever seen before.â€Â
> >
> > “It tastes a little blue,†the Manga Shoggoth offered, creating a pseudopod tongue to lick the side of the elevator car. “With a hint of sushi.â€Â
> >
> > “What are you saying then?†Hatman asked. “Was Cornhill teleported out or what? Can we track him?â€Â
> >
> > “Maybe if G-Eyed was still around,†Al B. sighed. “Or even Lisa to summons him. Our options are a bit more limited now. I can program this energy signature into the LairSats around the globe and try and spot if it manifests again, but that’s about it. Otherwise we’re pretty much at a dead end here.â€Â
> >
> > “That is not dead which can eternal lie,†the Shoggoth comforted him. “But it is depressing that this place has gone back to having just three dimensions now, isn’t it?â€Â
> >
> > ***
> >
> > “Science and sorcery aren’t the only ways to track this,†Yuki told Mr Epitome. “There’s other ways too. Right, Lee?â€Â
> >
> > The Librarian nodded and handed over a dossier he’d compiled from the Lunar Public Library archive. “Three thousand, one hundred and sixty-one scattered reports of disappearances from elevator cars in the last two years,†he announced. “Everything from full-scale missing persons cases to lifted wallets. Very few are as well documented as the Cornhill case at the Memphis branch of the FBI but some very weird stuff.â€Â
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> > Mr Epitome speed read the material. “Some of this could be accounted for by pickpocketing or fraudulent testimony,†he reasoned. “Although why anyone would want to claim their false teeth vanished from their mouth while they were riding an elevator at Mimble’s Department Store is something of a mystery. And that girl in Paris who claimed her underwear was stolen as she went up the Eiffel Tower…â€Â
> >
> > “Was this before Josh Clement vanished?†Yuki checked. “Although come to think of it, that could actually be his happy ending.â€Â
> >
> > “None of the cases is too remarkable by themselves,†the Librarian admitted, “but taken together there is a remarkable body of evidence of strange things happening in elevators.â€Â
> >
> > Mr Epitome scowled as he noted the missing persons list. “There is something of a correlation here,†he observed. “There’s a disproportionate number of rich people here. Industrialists, politicians, scientists. And that’s not counting the Euro-MP who claims his pants and jockey shorts vanished as he rode to the thirtieth floor with his secretary.â€Â
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> > “I’ve been trying to find if there’s any common elements, like the elevators all being from the same manufacturer,†Yuki reported, “but so far I’m not seeing a pattern. The reports are from all over the world, new buildings and old. They’re so diverse that unless you look for them you’d miss the pattern altogether. If this Cornhill guy hadn’t vanished like he did carrying what he did we might never have got onto this.â€Â
> >
> > “And this is just the last two years,†Lee Bookman noted. “Who knows how many years this goes back?â€Â
> >
> > ***
> >
> > “This is the place!†CrazySugarFreakBoy! called out to Hatman as they raced into the lobby of the Gothametropolis Hilton. “Al’s signature-recognition gizmo is going into warp drive!â€Â
> >
> > “Which elevator?†Hatman demanded, surveying the bank of six doors which led into the city’s most expensive hotel.
> >
> > The doors of the third car from the left pinged open. “This one,†CSFB! said. He ventured inside, scanning around with his walkie-talkie wristwatch. Hatman put on his engineer’s hard-hat and followed him.
> >
> > The car was wood-panelled with a discrete gold panel with the floor buttons on. A uniformed car attendant looked at them in puzzlement. “May I assist you sirs?â€Â
> >
> > CSFB! flashed the footman a happy smile. “Don’t mind us, we’re just fighting crime. Carry on.â€Â
> >
> > “Which floor, sir?â€Â
> >
> > “We’re fine here,†Hatman told him, but the attendant had already closed the doors and pressed the top button.
> >
> > “We’re going down,†CrazySugarFreakBoy! worried. “What the…â€Â
> >
> > All the lights in the car went out.
> >
> > Hatman reached for his hatility belt to get his Beacons cap. His hatility belt was gone.
> >
> > The lights flickered on again. The doors slid open on the ground floor of a mid-rent tourist hotel in Singapore. Two dozen surprised Japanese tourists gazed on Hatman and CrazySugarFreakBoy! as the heroes realised that every last scrap of their clothing and equipment had vanished, leaving them stark naked.
> >
> > The cameras began to flash as well.
> >
> > ***
> >
> > Continued with more clothing tomorrow…
> >
> > ***
> >
> > Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2007 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2007 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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