Tales of the Parodyverse >> View Post |
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Reply Subj: Much-anticipated Writer's Notes! Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 at 01:03:54 am EDT (Viewed 402 times) | |||||||
I don't think you need to axe anything, nor should you feel that my comments indicate i am "turned off" in anyway. They are meant as constructive criticism, not a complaint. I enjoyed the story, and think the idea of Chiaki coming to conflict with Akiko is an interesting move. What I failed to see shown is a real reason behind Akiko's actions...and I think the story suffers because of that. She seems weaker. Plain and simple. Therefore, it makes any "win" Chiaki (or Yuki) have over her diluted by such. That shouldn't be taken as a reason not to use the extended cast either, but more as a challenge to make sure that the use works to get the story you want. I'm no great writer, but i enjoy reading and reviewing your work and hope you see this as a challenge, rather than a hindrance. Sure, Akiko has become more aggressive, but your story didn't really show that...the notes tell us it. In the story she was a passive cry-baby who stole some kids off Visionary for...no real reason I could see, and then gave up real easily. Now, your challenge is to show us in part three why she did this in a believable way. Otherwise, it reads as just something you (the writer) did to easily get her out of the way for Chiaki to take over. I do think both Chiaki and in particular Yuki were very well written here, as I said. And I do want to read more. Keep at it! Al B. | |||||||