Tales of the Parodyverse >> View Post
Post By
Al B. Harper

In Reply To
Anime Jason 
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Member Since: Sun Sep 12, 2004
Posts: 2,834
Subj: I think you are being too harsh on yourself...
Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 at 09:04:00 am EDT
Reply Subj: Much-anticipated Writer's Notes!
Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 at 01:03:54 am EDT (Viewed 402 times)

Previous Post

As you might have noticed this chapter takes a bit of a risk with Akiko Masamune.  It's not easy to tell, but there is a part 3 to this story - she doesn't just vanish to the Safe when part 2 comes to an end.

The point of the overall story is to end the Psychic Samurai's dependence on her criminal underworld connections.  It's one of those situations where they've served her well so far but you knew sooner or later there would be a conflict.  Well here it is.

A secondary point is that after Hatman took down the Lynchpin and the streets were left in disarray by that, and by the Parody War, there's a lot of opportunity for crime families.  The best spoils go to the most aggressive, and there are new players like the Zoot Suit Gang gaining fast.  It can be supposed, then, that Akiko has had to become more aggressive to protect her territory and expand.  And while she's friends with the Psychic Samurai, Chiaki's association with the Lair Legion makes her less than reliable for help.

Meanwhile though because the reaction to Part 1 seemed to be neutral, and Part 2 negative so far, I'm going to be watching for further opinions.  If it's turned off too many readers, and I get the overwhelming impression that nobody cares what part 3 is like after reading part 2, I may scrap part 3 and consider removing part 1 and 2 as well.  If I do that it'll be the first time I've ever had to axe an entire multi-part story, and I hope it's the last time I have to.

I guess this goes back to a problem I talked to Ian about in a reply thread once - that I have a very small personal cast, and whenever I write a multi-part story it usually involves outside characters.  If that becomes increasingly hazardous (either because I take too many risks or because other characters become too wrapped in other stories) I may have to avoid writing anything "integrated" for a while until I can come up with my own complete cast first.




I don't think you need to axe anything, nor should you feel that my comments indicate i am "turned off" in anyway. They are meant as constructive criticism, not a complaint. I enjoyed the story, and think the idea of Chiaki coming to conflict with Akiko is an interesting move.
What I failed to see shown is a real reason behind Akiko's actions...and I think the story suffers because of that. She seems weaker. Plain and simple. Therefore, it makes any "win" Chiaki (or Yuki) have over her diluted by such.
That shouldn't be taken as a reason not to use the extended cast either, but more as a challenge to make sure that the use works to get the story you want. I'm no great writer, but i enjoy reading and reviewing your work and hope you see this as a challenge, rather than a hindrance.
Sure, Akiko has become more aggressive, but your story didn't really show that...the notes tell us it. In the story she was a passive cry-baby who stole some kids off Visionary for...no real reason I could see, and then gave up real easily. 
Now, your challenge is to show us in part three why she did this in a believable way. Otherwise, it reads as just something you (the writer) did to easily get her out of the way for Chiaki to take over.
I do think both Chiaki and in particular Yuki were very well written here, as I said. And I do want to read more.
Keep at it! \:\)
Al B.