THE BARONESS, Part 68. A Prologue
We open in the solarium of Schloss Schreckhausen, which inevitably means two things. Elizabeth Zemo is noshing on coffee and pastry at her breakfast table, and a foil is there to move the story forward.
ELIZABETH ZEMO VON SAXE – ETC. (speaking around a mouthful of Spritzkuchen): So, Madge, urp, we haven’t seen you for years. I hear [gulp] you’ve retired from the ruling the world business.
MAGENTA ST. EVIL (dressed, atypically, in a jump suit and a string of pearls): Well, Bethy [Elizabeth winces at the diminutive], a lot of the fun went out of it when the Probability Dancer left the game. And then I invested my money with Stevie Cohan and my net worth is now greater than the GDP of Borovia and Wakandybar. Not like you I hear, down to your last hundred million?
ELIZABETH (trying to sneer and achieving only a scowl): I invest, Madggey, in power and technology, not the stock market.
MAGENTA: And that’s worked so well for you recently, hasn’t it, Bethy-wethy?
ELIZABETH (taking a strengthening gulp of coffee, and then grimacing as her mouth is scalded): Eerrgh. Little do you know what I have in mind even this week, Madgelah. And you haven’t even touched your strudel, or your coffee.
MAGENTA: I’m sure you wouldn’t stoop to poisoning a guest, Sugardough, but your unalive grandfather . . . .
ELIZABETH: Baron Otto is unfortunately unable to be here. He’s probably boinking that Ag – his paramour. Something you should do more of, Moo-cow. I can lend you Gunther.
MAGENTA: You wound me, Elizabeth. I stopped by to give you some friendly advice and you’re turning it into a competition.
ELIZABETH (pausing to lift another Spritzkuchen from the pastry trolley, and then setting it down, regretfully): When have you ever stopped competing, Magenta? And why would I want your advice?
MAGENTA: Because, darling, you’re stuck. The authorities and the Lair Legion have tapped into your communications, you’re foiled at every turn, your perfect marriage with Wilton was a temporary retcon, and your number two defected to the Lair Legion.
ELIZABETH: Within a few days, I will prove to you and the universe that I'm back, even more powerful. Further, in only a few days, I will prove to you and the universe I am the rightful Empress of Earth. And finally, I’ve solved the number two problem. And you’re here to see it. Franz!
FRANZ, the perfect major-domo, gliding in: Jawohl, hochgeboren Freiin?â€
ELIZABETH: Bring in the apparatus!
Moments later, Dolf, Rolf and Hrolf wheeled in an eight foot tall cylinder that looked strangely like an Energizer battery on steroids.
ELIZABETH: Allow me a brief monologue, Magenta.
MAGENTA (bored, and leaning back in her chair): Of course.
ELIZABETH: Behold!
MAGENTA: You’ve got to be kidding. That line went extinct in the Silver Age.
ELIZABETH: It’s been a long time since I’ve done a proper monologue. Ahem. While cataloguing my great-uncle’s papers, I found yet another research program to create elemental warriors. Like so much of his ambitious work, it was incomplete. But with persistence, I’ve filled in most of the gaps, and I’m ready to present the world with Cathode, my new assistant and hitwoman.
Elizabeth then stalked over to the battery and then looked upward. The control panel was at the top of the cylinder, far out of reach. She jumped, but her outstretched hand missed by 10 inches. She jumped again. 12 inches.
ELIZABETH (mortified): Franz! Who worked with those blueprints?
DOLF: We did, oh impatient mistress. Didn’t we do a great job with the design?
ELIZABETH: Grrrr. Fetch a ladder, NOW!
MAGENTA (squelches laughter): Snigger.
A few minutes later, Elizabeth Zemo ascended the ladder, held by Rolf and Hrolf. As she neared the top, the ladder creaked.
MAGENTA: That’s another reason I skipped the pastry, Sugar.
Ignoring the gibe, the ex-Empress of Earth keyed in a complex series of codes, and blinking lights and booping sounds resulted. Slowly, a door opened in the cylinder – right next to the ladder. A thick fog from the interior momentarily masked the scene.
ELIZABETH (suddenly appreciating her peril): You, down there, move this ladder! NOW!
Rolf and Hrolf obeyed – by moving in different directions. The ladder swayed, throwing the Baroness into the air. She was saved from serious injury when she landed on Dolf, who collapsed to the floor and broke three ribs as his mistress’s avoirdupois slammed him into the flagstones. Franz somehow had already summoned a stretcher and trained footmen to tend to the injured. Magenta was almost falling out of her chair with laughter. Rolf and Hrolf were frantically trying to balance the gyrating ladder, which slipped from their grasp, crashed into the pastry cart, sending pastry shards all over the group, and narrowly missing Magenta St. Evil.
MAGENTA: I’m getting out of here before your clowns do me serious damage. But don’t worry, Bethy, I’ve got it all on my smartphone. It’ll be on Heelbook, the villains’ social network, in five minutes.
ELIZABETH (groans).
Playing the part of Elizabeth Zemo von Saxe-Lurkburg Schreckhausen
J. JONAH JERKSON
Voice of the People
J. JONAH JERKSON
Voice of the People |
