Malibu, California
Pacific Coast Highway
Wednesday
4:15 pm.

Amongst all the cars stuck in traffic, there is a beat up cherry red scooter. On said scooter is the Earth’s Meatiest Hero, a man in his early 30’s. He was dressed in well worn brown leather jacket with a faded yellow H stitched on the front & back, the H on the back is slightly larger then the H on the front. Under the jacket was black turtle neck. The rest of his clothes was grey cargo pants, red leather combat boots, a utility belt around his waist & a string of sausages hanging for it. On his head was a helmet which matched the mask underneath, both were a dark brown with a diamond pattern on.

Ham-Boy was making his way up to the condo for the JBH. Today was day of the quarterly meeting of the Juvenile Battalion of Heroes. The group had agreed that at least once a quarter that every member should met together. Ham-Boy become a reservist member a few years back. He had partly joined under protest. He:
A. wasn’t Juvenile in any stretch of the term.
B. didn’t want to associate with the group in any way. This incarnation of the JBH consisted of would be heroes were using the names & likenesses of Heroes he looked up. Some who he had served with.
C. was already a member of another more well established team: The Lair Legion. Something none of the current members of JBH will ever get to achieve. They wouldn’t even make it as members of the Juniors.

Why did he even join the group? They certainly did not live up the standards he held or those heroes they emulate. The current JBH came by means of purchasing the naming rights. They didn’t need to work to become heroes. Their predecessors had done that work for them. Work that Ham-Boy cared about. Work he felt deserved respect.

That might be why he joined: Respect. He respected those heroes. They were those heroes he had posters of on his bedroom wall. He rose up through the ranks. From being a young solo hero who really didn’t know what he was doing to that of a rookie on his home state’s only Super Hero team to in his eyes graduating to living in the quad city area of the Greats. After a few more years, he was fight along side the greats. He became friends with a few of them. One of the original JBH’s long standing members became a good friend of his. Maybe his best friend in the super hero community.

Ham-Boy mind flashes through the various times team-ups & other experiences he had spent with Jasper Stevens, the hero known to the world as Kid Produce. Ham-Boy always felt less stupid when KP was around. He was the kid with the meat based gimmick but that didn’t matter since there was a guy about his same age with a vegetable gimmick out there & he was part of one of the biggest teams out there!

Ham-Boy’s mind changes from thoughts of Jasper to Betty. It was until years later did he find out that the girl he had grown up with was also the cousin to Kid Produce. He frowned slightly & wondered how she was. Last he heard she was still in the Badripoor area searching out her missing cousin.

He shook away those thoughts to focus on the here & now, not on the past & what might up happened. He was listed as a “reservist” since the current generation of the JBH only really wanted to use not only his own personal contacts & connections but those that member of the Lair Legion has. This has most often been requests of him to borrow a Lair Jet to go off to Europe for the weekend & party. He allowed that once. August 25th, a few years ago. The group had cooked up some story that an doomsday cult was threatening to end the world & the group needed to travel to Cancun immediately.

After spending a horrible weekend there, he stopped allowing those requests. Also because you only get chewed out by Sergeant MacHarridan once & live. The team has tried use their tenuous connection the Legion for other things. 2 summers ago, Visionary & Hatman had to do some serious damage control so that The Lair Legion would not be banned from the Republic of Spango. Ham-Boy still avoids large flocks of pigeons for fear they heard what happened that fateful night in a Spagan bar.

He thinks back to why he keeps coming out to California. There is the quarterly meeting but this new JBH is quite adept at going digital. He’s been at the condo headquarter for meetings & had half of the members Skype in because they are busy elsewhere. “Busy” most often meant “at a party somewhere leaching the fame that using a name for a previous hero created gets you”. He can’t remember the number of times a member has “butt dialed” into a meeting. He really needed to hear Becky from Queens idea on what to do about the pack of Lobrillas attacking Gothametropolis York.

As he sits in traffic, he sighs. “Am I too old for this?” he thinks. He’s in his 30’s now. Ham-Boy burst on to the Iowa Super Heroes scene at the age of 15. No… he decided to become Ham-Boy at age 11 but was allowed to go out “on patrol” on weekends & during the summer months at age 15. Those 4 years, he spend begging his mom to let him do that. He thinks she only let him do it at 15 & not the originally said age of 18 is because his grandfather had also spent those 4 years trying to get her to let his favorite & only grandson to go out. She must of known it was a loosing battle, it was two against one. But now he knew why she didn’t want him going out “crimefighting” or as much as you can do in a sleepy small town in rural Iowa: Dad.

Ham-Boy sighed once more. For as how many years he’s been Ham-Boy, add on a few more to how long his dad has been missing. He was presumed dead year before he enter Junior High but there is always still that glimmer of hope in the Harris family that Air Force pilot Roger McCorkle Harris will one day come walking through the front door once more. His mind flashes back to memories of him & his dad. He smiles & then shakes them away as the traffic has started to move.

As he heads down the winding highway to the coastal condo, his built in Legion communicator starts to buzz. He pressed the answer button & the green hued face of Hallie appeared on the screen.

“oh… Is this a bad time?” she asked as she noticed she was looking up at Ham-Boy, he had his helmet & the background around him was whizzing by.

“no. Just driving in the California traffic. Not sure where there will be a better time. I probably won’t be moving much longer. What’s up?”

"oh… Not much. I can totally call back.”

“Hallie.” he said with a hint of disgust to it. “You had a reason to call so talk.”

Ham-Boy weaved back & forth through traffic hoping to get close to an exit before the traffic stopped.

“Mayor Macklinberg’s office called again. Told them you weren’t here, they didn’t believe me.”

“Did they say what they wanted?”

“No. But it’s probably what they want overtime they call.”

Ham-Boy sighs “It’s been years. They need to find another possible cash cow.”

“I know.”

He wishes they would finally get the point: He’s not giving in. There is already 1 Ham-Boy museum & there will remain only 1 Ham-Boy museum.

“Anyways… You seen Sally lately?”

“why?”

“She’s not respond to any of our means of contacting her. We even tried reaching out to the Baroness & I bet you can tell how well that worked.”

“yeah. Did you sent the normal apology basket?”

Hallie rolled her eyes. “Yes. We even used the new disposable messenger bots that Triple E created.”

“Aren’t those the kind that explode if tampered with?” Ham-Boy said with a mixture of confusion & worry.

“maybe.” Hallie said noncommittally.

“ok.” He said with a shrug. “And to answer your question: No. I have not seen Sally lately. Not since the since the CrazySugarFreakBaby Shower.”

Hallie nods “Any idea how much longer you’ll be in California?”

“a few days. I got the JBH meeting which I doubt will actually happen today. There is also this other thing I could do if I get bored enough.”

“what?”

“Keeley wants to met up. Not sure how she knew I was going to be here.”

“oh… the Ex!” Hallie said teasingly.

“yeah.” Ham-Boy replied rolling his eyes. Keeley Montgomery, one of the original California mistakes. She is partly the blame to why he was even part of the JBH. That & her agent Jerry White.

“You going to see her?” Hallie asked. Not that she’d admit it to anyone but she was a big fan of Surviving Hollywood & it’s first two spin offs. Hallie would go on record that L.A. Lives is a piece of crap.

“I don’t know. Seeing her in person would be opening up a really regretful period of time for me.”

“It’s ok. How could you know it would go down how it did?”

“Dream did warn me.”

“yeah. But were you really going to believe him?”

Ham-Boy shrugged.

“I gotta go. Almost at the condo.”

“Alright. There is a meeting Monday morning. Yuki is chairing it.”

“Good to know. Contact me if anything goes wrong.”

“Will do. Enjoy your meeting at the kid’s table!”

The screen turned off as Ham-Boy pulled onto the offramp.

---------------

Ham-Boy pulled up to the gate outside Condo, he entered in his pass code. As the gates opened up, he was greeted by a British voice “Welcome back, Ham-Boy!”

“Thanks, J.A.R.V.I.S.”

Ham-Boy drove up the driveway to see what he expected: he was the only one there. Not even Jackie Rabbit’s garish pink Bunny Wagon was there. He parked his scooter in the covered carport & took off his helmet. He stored in the back compartment before walking over to the Condo. As he approached the front door, he could see that front lawn was covered in the remnants of a party. A few chairs & a table that were normally in the living room were out there also. He walked into the darkened home.

“J.A.R.V.I.S.?”

“yes?” came a British male voice. Now, Ham-Boy had never met the actual Jarvis but didn’t he think was British. He also choose to stop asking why Legion members have been co-opted for the New JBH. Partly due to the fact that none of the members seem to know who was a member of which team anyways.

“Why is there a table & chairs on the lawn?”

“Trickshot has a party here a few weeks ago. He was celebrating something. I either forgot about what or didn’t care to ask.”

“How did they get out there?”

“Smashed right through the front window. Got the police called. Made the local news.”

Ham-Boy looked over at the clearly not broken window. “But it’s not broken.”

“Yes. I repaired it. I didn’t need people just waltzing into the condo uninvited. At least not when a party is not going on.”

“So… you repaired the window but didn’t retrieve the table & chairs?”

“no. What use do I have need of a table & chairs? I’m a disembodied voice! If you want them, go get it yourself!”

Ham-Boy sighed. He closed his eyes & started to rub the bridge of his nose. “Is anyone else here?”

“Does it look like anyone else is here?”

“no. But…”

J.A.R.V.I.S. interrupted “The team is all here! Just sitting in the bloody dark! We’re having a surprise party! Just for you! Or better yet, we’ve gone Eco! No need to have the lights on, that might harm the bloody planet!”

“ok… ok… I get it. Can you turn some lights on?”

“Why? The switches are to your left.”

Ham-Boy flips on the bank of switches which lights up the open concept condo. On the wall to his left, beside the switches are over sized head shots of the members of the Juvenile Battalion of Heroes.

The first portrait is that of Trickshot, the team’s team leader. He’s decked in his dark green leather outfit. His bleached blond hair is spiked up. In all the time he’s known him, Trickshot still can not grow a goatee or any facial hair. Trickshot is the only one that seems to have any real talent. He’s a former Olympic level archer. He’s also the only member that Ham-Boy would consider recommending for advancement in the community. That is if he can grow up a bit.

The next portrait is of Jackie Rabbit. Her outfit has always been confused, it looks nothing like the original Jackie Rabbit’s outfit. The buxom brunette’s costume was somewhere between that of a Playboy Bunny & that of legionnaire Dancer. She wanted to be the new Dancer, mostly because her background is in dance but the group couldn’t buy the rights to the name. She was given the name of the most prominent JBH member. This does not mean she does not try to be Dancer.

The next portrait is that of The Brown Streak. Shawn, one of the few members who’s has revealed a real name to Ham-Boy, is not that particularly fast. That doesn’t stop Shawn from trying. He ends up being the driver for group outings. His driving skill could be improved.

The next 2 spots for photos where blank. Banjo quit the team after going to rehab the forth time & Ham-Boy doesn’t who the photo was of. That spot has blank ever since he’s been a member of the team.

The last photo is of The Dark Knight, He’s the most infrequent member of the group. Ham-Boy has only met him once or twice. Very stand offish.

“J.A.R.V.I.S., any word from the other members of the group?”

“No. There hasn’t been any mentions of them attending the meeting on any of their various social media networks. Trickshot normally Snapchats that he’ll be here or not.”

Ham-Boy sighs & slumps down into a chair beside the oval meeting table. A meeting table with 9 chairs around it, Ham-Boy always found that odd.

He takes off his mask & throws at the table. “why am I even here?”

“That’s something I’ve wondered myself.” J.A.R.V.I.S. replied. “I’m surprised you even said yes to joining the group & am constantly surprised you keep coming back. You came back after the Lawsuits, the Spangan debacle, the Vessel Quest & countless other times. These blighters don’t deserve you.”

Ham-Boy nods.

“Go back to the Legion. They respect you. They show up to meetings. No one will blame you.”

“I will.”

---------------

TO BE CONTINUED?

---------------

Here there be Footnotes!

**This story takes place sometime after the events of recent Untold Tales **

This story brings up what the current situation is of a few plot lines that were present in The Ham-Tastic Adventures of Ham-Boy #17, posted in June 2011. Most of these plot lines were a result of Ham-Boy joining the Lair Legion.

- Ham-Boy was being courted by the Juvenile Battalion of Heroes to join their team as means to legitimize it. As shown here, Ham-Boy did in fact join that group & regrets that fact.

- Ham-Boy was also being courted by Mayor J. Thomas Macklinberg’s office. Macklinberg being the mayor of Goth Haven, the city that Ham-Boy still continues to live in. The reason why they wanted to talk to him was to create a museum devoted to him. This was because the city was not seeing a revenue from that of the other Super Hero museum in town: the Jet Starscream Experience (the JSX). That is the museum devoted the biggest super hero to operate in Goth Haven: Jet Starscream, leader of the Wonderful Seven & brother to Semi-Transparent Lad. I’m not sure if the “Museum” plot line was present in HB #17 or not but it was an idea I had for the series at the time so it’s referenced here. There is a Ham-Boy Museum & it’s in his home town of Piney Oaks, Iowa. The Museum is run by his mother.

- Ham-Boy was being courted on behalf of Keeley Montgomery by her agent Jerry White. Keeley was former Child Star/current Reality TV Star. Jerry hoped that Ham-Boy recent rise to fame would help inflate his own client’s fame. He hoped to do that by having Ham-Boy seen in public with his client & have the media think they were dating. This is now “old news” & Ham-Boy regrets doing so. The whole dating subplot was the only reason Ham-Boy came to California & if he had not, he would have not met with the new JBH. That’s why they are partly to blame for his joining the group.

As seen here, Ham-Boy is still part of the Lair Legion, who else is part of the team is not known. You could assume that Yuki Shiro is part of the group since she is leading the “Monday Meeting”. Visionary & Hatman might be. Is Silicone Sally part of the group? That’s a question for another time.

What is/was The CrazySugarFreakBaby Shower? Another question for another time.