The Baroness, Part 61.
The Ransom Was Read, Chief

It started as a typical morning at Schloss Schreckhausen. The Baroness was lounging in the solarium, sipping Blue Mountain coffee and nibbling on Frau Zuckerwolken’s apricot strudel. To her right and slightly behind her, an orange and black-furred cat girl sat at a small table with a glass of water and a laptop.
“Ramona,” the Baroness intoned, “stop fussing with your fur and give me my appointments for today. “
“Yes, Your Excellency. But do you remember that question I asked you yesterday? Please?”
Beth thought for a moment, and drawing a blank, took another bit of apricot strudel. When the pastry gave her no clues as to what Ramona had had in mind, she upped the ante and took a large sip of the Blue Mountain. “Ouch!” She turned to her new assistant. “I’m sorry, it slipped my mind. What did you want to bother me about?
The cat girl leaned forward and a pleading look spread across her furred face. “It’s just that, I mean I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but this internship, it’s not, well, it’s not your fault, but it’s not very educational. I mean, I’m really just your secretary. And I realize unpaid internships are the only way to get noticed for a job nowadays, but I get the feeling . . . .”
“Yes?” the Baroness leaned toward Ramona with a touch of tacit menace.
“Well, Your Excellency, it’s just that, it seems, well, the only things I’m learning is how to order people around when you have lots of money and power. And how to send them to the dungeon. I suppose those are useful skills when you are a supervillain, but they don’t really look good on an entry-level resume.”
Baroness Zemo lifted her eyebrows a tad and cocked her head. “But this is fantastic experience. Byrne Community College says so. They’ll put it on your transcript.”
Ramona looked dubious. “They’ll put anything on a transcript. My best friend Ronnie is working at Starblecks as a barista and they’re putting it on her transcript as an applied chemistry internship. But the important thing is she’s at least getting paid for it. I know this, you were very clear about it, is an unpaid internship, but wouldn’t it be better for me and you if you paid me? Then I wouldn’t be wasting time looking for your leftovers and sneaking into the kitchen for milk.”
“Nonsense,” the Baroness riposted. “Internships are a way to show how resourceful you are. If anything, I should take that water glass away to see how much you really want this job.”
“So,” the tiger-striped cat girl almost mewed, “you still aren’t going to pay me?”
“Of course not,” Elizabeth huffed. “This experience is priceless. And you have to admit you have no work experience at all, except for those three weeks at the Slopp-Burger place. You should be grateful that I’m willing to let you intern for me at all.”
Ramona cringed. “Yes, of course, that’s right, Your Worship, er, Highness, er, Imperiousness. And I really appreciate the opportunity you are giving me. I mean, I’d work even more hours, if you wanted me to.”
“Not just yet,” the Baroness intoned in a haughty voice. “If you want to work more for me, even for free, you have to prove that you are really qualified. And stop licking your paw, I mean, your hand. You have no reason to be nervous, so long as you please me.”
Ramona jerked her head away from her left hand and looked pleadingly at her employer. “Yes, ma’am. It’s just that, well, aside from that stupid question I had, that I’ll never ask you again, I’m just – I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m a little hungry. I only had cereal for dinner last night and the box was empty this morning.”
“You should plan better,” the Baroness chided.
“I realize I don’t deserve to be paid, but could I have some of the extra pastry and coffee? It would really help me concentrate on my work.”
The Baroness feigned consideration for a moment, and then sorrowfully replied, “But then you wouldn’t have the full educational experience of learning to budget your money and plan your meals. I couldn’t undermine you that way, Ramona. You should use this to learn to rise above that kind of petty problem.”
“Yes, Your Excellency,” moaned Ramona.
. . . .
Some time later, Ramona was finishing the morning update for the Baroness.
“Your ZOXXON Oil shares are up ¾ of a percent on the news from Arabia, and the secret take-over bid for Wilton Armaments is still stalled over that operating loss tax problem. “
“Tell Mr. Sneek that unless he gets moving on that, we’ll have to hire a Magic Circle firm for additional advice.”
“Won’t that be terribly expensive? Two sets of lawyers on the same problem?”
“Yes, but the only thing Sneek, Grabbit and Thuggery hates more than speed is seeing another law firm get paid.”
“I see,” Ramona murmured dubiously. To her thinking, two law firms meant that they’d argue with each other and run up the fees even higher.
Elizabeth Zemo sighed and took a last sip of the Blue Mountain coffee. “All right, let’s go over the appointments for today again.”
The cat girl focused on the laptop’s screen and began reading them off.
“In 15 minutes, the Diabolical Dr. Moo about the genetically upgraded amphibious strike force soldiers. She’s still demanding the additional $43,002,087 for those cost overruns.” Ramona the cat girl chattered.

“Forty-three million for a half dozen frogmen that holed up in the mud instead of attacking?” snarled the Baroness. “What else is on the agenda?”
“Right after Dr. Moo, Franz and Frau Blucher on the plans for the Parodiopolis Garden Club reception on Saturday afternoon. At 9:30, 10 minutes with Velcro Vixen about last night’s attack on the Lynchpin’s arsenal. Then into the limo for your 10:30 meeting with Harry Flask at his tower. At 11:15 you have Don Antonio Vendredi at the Montepazzi Social Club down by the GMY docks. Then lunch with Velma Klein at City Hall. “
“Enough,” groaned the Baroness. “A whole morning doublecrossing GMY and being doublecrossed by them. Why did I get into that bog of frustration?”
“Could it be that you enjoy it?” offered Ramona.
“When I want psychoanalysis, Ramona, I’ll pay for it. Keep your mouth shut when I ask rhetorical questions.”
At that moment Velcro Vixen strutted into the solarium, long blonde hair cascading over a black leather catsuit with too many chrome buckles and studded straps. She strode over to Ramona and scratched her behind the ears, forcing the feline flunky into an involuntary purr.
Elizabeth was less happy. “You don’t belong here, yet. What’s the emergency?”
VV, unfazed, replied languidly, “No emergency, just an unexpected opportunity. You remember that tail we put on Visionary’s two brats?”
The Baroness paused for a beat. “Not really. . . . That’s still on? I thought we reported back to Camellia months ago.”
Vickie Vee smirked back at her employer. “I warned you that hiring the Indigo Imposter and Headcase as temps would be expensive. They just kept at it and kept submitting inflated timesheets. When the internal auditors finally noticed, last week, those two decided they had to make a score before you strung them up for stringing it out. “
“And why are you wasting my time with this exposition?”
The smirk returned to Velcro Vixen’s face. “So they did a snatch.”
Elizabeth blew up. “Are they freaking mad? Snatching Visionary’s whelps? They couldn’t think of a less dangerous plan, like inviting Galactivac for dinner? They’ve been unemployed for three years, and I’ll solve that right now by handing them over to Grandfather Otto for fun!” Her hand reached ominously for the disintegrator pistol on her right hip.
Even with that reminder about messengers with bad news, Vickie luxuriated for a moment with the knowledge that she was about to make the Baroness look foolish again. When the timing was right, she drawled , “Not Visionary’s moppets. A friend. A rich friend, from the look of her clothes and the places she took them. “
“And who might this friend be?”
“Some teenager called Featherstone. English, according to her passport. Visiting the Big Banana and the kids supposedly are friends – not related. Google says her guardians are some sir and lady.”
“Featherstone? Samantha Featherstone? 14 years old, blonde with a smirk worse than Trickshot’s?” Elizabeth’s voice began to tremble.
Velcro Vixen adjusted herself into an even more smug stance before delivering the bomb. “The very same,” she drawled.
“DONNERWETTERHIMMELHERRGOTTSAKRAJESUSMARIiiii-A!” screamed the Baroness. SAMANTHA FEATHERSTONE! THE TEENAGE BRAT THAT DEPOSED ME AS EMPRESS OF EARTH? AND SHE’S HERE!!!!!?????

“Ramona? Pay that cow anything she wants and get her out of here ! No! Keep her here! Stop! Have her run the tests on those soldiers herself! Come on, Ramona, get moving – WAIT ! What am I thinking? Moo running her own tests? FRANZ! Get down here sofort!”

“Jawohl, hochadelige Freein?” the peerless major-domo addressed his trembling, sweaty and decidedly demented mistress, whose eyes were agape in panic and whose voice had degenerated into a glass-shattering screech.

“Franz,” she panted, “take care of the good Doctor Moo and keep the financial damage under $100 million.” Thumbing her communicator, she shouted, “Guards! All guards! Secure the Schloss! Red Alert! Locate and capture Samantha Featherstone, a teenage, unpowered girl, blonde hair, blue eyes. Assume nothing! NOTHING! Handle with extreme care. Zemo out!”

With unflappable calm, the major-domo advised his mistress, “We already have her, Excellenz. in the deluxe dungeon. I had the two freelancers deliver her there five minutes ago. I took the liberty of sending her pastries and tea.”
“Pastries and tea?! She’s more dangerous than the Parody Master! I want her locked up in chains, thrown into the deepest dungeon and under 24 hour guard! NOW!”
Ramona attempted to break in, but the Baroness ignored her soft mew for attention.
“Vicky, get those two bunglers over to Baron Otto’s torture chamber.”
“Don’t you want to interrogate them first?”
“I don’t have time, and they clearly are a pair of ignorant fools. Let Grandfather have the pleasure.”
“Meeeow!” expostulated Ramona. “Dr. Moo in the conference room?" Her long, flexible cat tongue caressed her lips at the thought of milk.
“FOOLS! I’M SURROUNDED BY FOOLS!” Elizabeth Zemo’s frustration expressed itself with a hard kick to Ramona’s tail, launching the catgirl through the French windows, as the Baroness lumbered towards her control center.

Playing the part of Baroness Elizabeth Zemo von Saxe-Lurkburg-Schreckhausen as Scrooge:
J. Jonah Jerkson
VOICE OF THE PEOPLE