Adventures in Parodyverse: Taking Things In Stride


    Sir Mumphrey Wilton was frowning when he arrived at the Paradopolis city jail.  When he did, he had five thousand dollars on his person, that he fought hard to raise, and he wasn’t happy because by the time he reached the cell of the person he was paying the contempt fine for, his pockets were once again empty.

    Yuki Shiro was sitting in the cell, her clothing torn, and she was leaned over, elbows resting on her legs, hands on her face.  The cell was old, dimly lit, and kind of damp, since it was only a temporary holding area.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Care to explain this, now?”  Sir Mumphrey asked.

    The purple-haired Legionnaire looked up, and she appeared positively embarrassed.  It felt a lot like her grandfather bailing her out of jail after a wild night out.  And she was sure Mumph didn’t expect to have to bail out any young girls until his own granddaughter hit late teens at least.

    Yuki took a deep breath.  “It all started in court this morning...”


---


    Earlier That Morning


    Judge Carl J. Chance Sr. sat behind a huge desk, his mustache and narrow eyes making him look more angry than he actually was.  Yet he had a tough reputation.  And today, his docket included a request from the U.S. Attorney’s Office to revoke the recently obtained citizenship of an android named Anna.

    The star witness of the case was a Colonel Dr. Norman Carpenter.  He showed up in court in his Army dress uniform, and was introduced as an expert researcher in advanced robotics.

    Anna sat silently, without speaking, at a polished wood table next to attorney Arnie J. Armbruster.  He seemed to be doodling a rude caricature of his opposing attorney, Jim “The Hatchet” Hatcher on a legal pad during the testimony.

    Yuki was sitting in the first row of the observation seating, directly behind Anna.

    Hatcher kicked off the case by putting his star witness on the stand.   “Dr. Carpenter, please explain...what really makes Anna different than any other robot?  Why has she been given citizenship and no others?”

    As Dr. Carpenter cleared his throat, two enlisted military men brought in a huge chart, and a projector hooked up to a presentation.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“As you can see in the chart, this android’s type of A.I. - that’s artificial intelligence - is wired for reflective action.  It records everything it sees, and then reflects it back at us.  Like looking in a mirror, we recognize that activity, and to the average person, it’s convincing and real.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“But you’re not the average person?”  Hatcher asked.

    Dr. Carpenter chuckled.  “While it was in captivity, I had an opportunity to observe its behavior.  It’s consistent with the same patterns in my own theories about reflective artificial intelligence.”

    He picked up the remote handed to him by one of the enlisted men, and clicked the first slide into view.  “As you can see here on this decision tree, when you speak to someone you expect one of several responses.  We consider those to be sane responses to a situation.”

    The next slide clicked on.  “A coded A.I. will simply follow the decision tree, choosing the most appropriate response based on the available data.”

    Another slide clicked on, this one looking different, one with many tiny images with lines crisscrossed between them.  It differed from the clean-looking tree of the last one.  “This android, however, stores responses it learns from previous encounters.  It will seem to become more socially interactive with time, but really it’s just gaining more reference material.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“What does this all mean, Doctor?”  Hatcher asked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“It means this poster child for robot rights is actually less capable than other A.I.’s we’re familiar with.  It is incapable of feeling; if she cries, it’s just the response she chose because it resulted in humans treating her favorably.  This Anna is less capable of bonding with a human than a rodent, or an insect.  If it’s decommissioned and scrapped, it wouldn’t even feel fear.  Any display of fear would just be a simulation intended to gain pity from humans.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s a lie!”  Yuki Shiro called out from behind Anna.

    Judge Chance raised his gavel and banged it twice on the desk.  “Order in this court!  If you raise your voice again Ms. Shiro, you’re going to be in contempt!”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“It’s not a lie.”  the Doctor unwisely objected to Yuki’s outburst.  “You’re being duped by one of the world’s greatest cons, perpetrated by Dr. Lia Anne Paul.  She didn’t create an advanced A.I. - she created a mirror.  If you see anything in that...device...you’re seeing yourself!”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Your honor.”  Yuki piped up again, only trying to be more respectful this time, “Anna is not a mirror, and I can prove it.  We spent lots of time and energy trying to build up her confidence, and teach her to fight back, yet she’s still so scared and passive.  That doesn’t sound like a mirror to you, does it?”

    Arnie beamed for a moment.  “That’s a good one!”  He quickly wrote that down.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Regardless,”  the Judge warned, “You’re still out of order.  I’m going to have to fine you one hundred dollars for contempt.”

    The purple-haired Legionnaire wisely bit her lip and sat back down.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“The mirroring only works for her own purposes, not yours.”  the Doctor replied.

    Yuki stood again.  “Ah, now you’re implying motive!  How can a mirror have motives?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Ms. Shiro--”  the Judge warned.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“He addressed me directly this time!”  she protested.

    The Judge turned on the Doctor too.  “Doctor, please restrict your replies to actual participants in this case.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I know why she’s doing this, your honor.  She thinks that if she saves this useless android, she’ll prove herself to be more than an abomination created by that mad scientist, Al B Harper.  She should be dead.  He created a zombie, and now they’re trying to give citizenship to another one.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Oh that’s it!  It’s on now!”  Yuki leapt over the wooden partition and headed for the witness stand.  “I’ll show you who the zombie is!”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Get back to your seat!  Order!”  the Judge yelled, banging his gavel on the desk.

    Yuki grabbed the Doctor, who was now screaming, and threw him only the marble floor, and then she stepped on his chest as he made choking noises.

    The room flooded with Sherriff deputies and Bailiffs, and they all piled on to Yuki as she struggled.  There were some ripping sounds as her clothing tore a bit.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Take her into custody!”  the Judge called after them, “Five thousand dollars bail!”

    Once the courtroom quieted down, and Yuki had surrendered and been taken to a holding cell, the judge looked at Arnie.  “Do you have anything constructive to add?”

    Arnie reached over next to him, and gently took the legal pad he had sitting in front of Anna.  She was left looking confused, and holding a pencil.  Then he picked up the one he had in front of him as well.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I drew this while I was listening to the good Doctor’s testimony.”  He held up his own pad, which had a bad caricature of his opponent lawyer with a very large head that resembled a balloon, held to his neck by a string.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You jerk!”  Hatcher yelled at Arnie, and made a rude gesture to go with it.  “Just wait till we get outside.  I’m going to beat your ass!”

    Arnie ignored him, and toss his own pad back on the table.  “Anna saw me draw, and asked if she could try.”  He held up the other pad.

    On the second pad was a very detailed pencil sketch of the judge sitting at his bench, gavel dangling in his hand, severe eyes staring at the court.  It had multiple directions of pencil lines and shading, setting a somber mood.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“If you’ve ever taken an art class, you know that art usually reflects the mood of the artist.  I submit this as evidence that Anna feels.  She’s terrified and worried right now, and the mood of this drawing reflects that perfectly.”

    The judge was staring, slack-jawed, at the drawing.  He then strained to see Arnie’s own drawing.  At least there was no way he could have done them both - Arnie wasn’t nearly that talented.  “May I see that?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sure.”  Arnie strolled across the courtroom and dropped the legal pad on the bench.  “What do you think?  Can we all go home now?”

    The Judge put on his reading glasses, and looked carefully at the drawing.  His wife was an art collector, and he was forced to learn quite a bit about hand-drawn art.  This was moody enough to be a little disturbing.  The judge had been drawn like he was a nightmare of Anna’s.  He looked at her face, and her eyes seemed to match the mood.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Mr. Hatcher, do you have any more testimony to refute...this?”  he asked, waving the sketch in the air.

    Hatcher leaned over to talk to the bruised and shaken Doctor.  The Doc shook his head a few times as Hatcher asked him questions quickly.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Mr. Hatcher?”  the Judge prodded.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“No, I don’t, your honor.  I’d like a continuance, maybe, so we can process this and come up with an appropriate response.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I object, your honor.”  Arnie protested.  “I had nothing, and managed to pull this off in court while Dr. Windbag there was blabbing nonstop.  I can’t believe Jim Hatcher is so lame he needs several weeks to pull of what I did in a few minutes.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hey!”  Hatcher yelled.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Watch it, Mr. Armbruster,”  the Judge warned.  “You’re right, though.  Unfortunately, Mr. Hatcher, you were unable to produce enough evidence to have Anna’s citizenship revoked.  I’m denying your request.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“F--- yeah!”  Arnie cheered.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“And I’m fining Mr. Armbruster one hundred dollars for contempt.”  the Judge added, banging his gavel with a note of finality.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Awww.”  Arnie whined.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“We won?”  Anna asked Arnie.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yes, we won.”  He flinched when the android suddenly jumped out of her seat and hugged him.

    Then she looked toward the bench.  “May I send you some cookies or flowers as thanks?”

    Judge Chance couldn’t help but smile at how respectful she was.  “I’m sorry, young lady, that would be unethical.  I wish you luck, though.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Thank you,”  Anna replied with a smile.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Move along, everyone, next case please!”  the Judge called out as everyone started to file out of the room.

    As everyone left, a bailiff called out the next case.  “People vs. Chadwick L. Swiss and Ronald A. Beeslyhuxtoy...”

    Outside, while Arnie was smiling and enjoying his victory, with Anna following close behind, Jim Hatcher ambushed him, grabbing him by the shirt collar as he rounded a corner.  

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I told you I’d beat your ass.”  Hatcher drew back a fist, and Arnie closed his eyes and waited for the pain.
    
    But the pain never came.  Anna was holding back Hatcher’s fist with no effort at all.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Leave him alone.”  Anna warned him.  “He saved me, twice.  I’m not going to let you hit him.”

    The opposing lawyer pulled back his hand and rubbed it - Anna’s crushing grip hurt.  He turned to walk away, still frowning.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“He’s been trying to kick my ass since college.”  Arnie said with a nervous laugh.  “Now you saved me, so we’re even.  Unless, you know, you’d like to even it some more by joining me on a date.”

    Anna smiled widely, so that her teeth showed when she laughed.  “I’m flattered, but Yuki would probably kill you.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Yeah.  Yeah, she would.”  He then realized he forgot something.  “Oh!  Yuki!  Um...do you have five thousand handy?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“No, but I know someone who might...”


---


    Ã¢â‚¬Å“So that’s the story,”  Yuki finished up just as the guard came by and unlocked the cell to let her go.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I suppose the bounder deserved a good pounding.”  Sir Mumphrey noted.  “Next time, however, make sure it doesn’t cost you money, what?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Cost me money?”  Yuki asked suspiciously.

    Sir Mumphrey nodded.  “You’re payin’ me back, young lady.”

    As the two headed back upstairs, they met Anna and Arnie halfway there.  The two had come by to make sure Yuki got out.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Congratulations to you.”  Sir Mumphrey told Anna.  He then gave a very cold look to Arnie, who had his arm across Anna’s shoulders.  Arnie’s smile disappeared, and he removed his arm quickly.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“All right guys, I’ve had enough of the court system for one day.”  Yuki said.  “Let’s get out of here.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Agreed,”  Arnie said.  He handed the legal pad he was carrying to Sir Mumphrey.

    Mumph looked at it, and then looked at Anna.  “You drew this?”

    The android nodded.

    He nodded.  “Quite talented.”


-- Story written and copyrighted (C) 2010 by Jason Froikin, and may not be 
--    reprinted without permission.  
-- Yuki Shiro designed by Jason Froikin, based on designs by Masamune Shirow
--  Liu Xi Xian and the Psychic Samurai are original design by Jason Froikin
--  Lara Night is an original creation by Jason Froikin