At two years in now, one of the most frequent charges that supporters of the current Spider-Man status quo have leveled at its critics has been the accusation that all we care about is the character's marriage having been retconned.

And while the marriage retcon did do a lot of long-term damage to all of the characters involved, and I still believe that it needs to be reversed as soon as possible, what this simplification of our complaints ignores is the fact that, even within the bounds of his supposedly always having been a single superhero who never tied the knot with Mary Jane Watson, Peter Parker's behavior in the wake of "One More Day" has been off-puttingly out-of-character.

Perhaps the best way for me to prove this, though, would be to suggest improvements to the character's portrayals and status quo, that could be enacted regardless of whether his deal with Mephisto is ever undone, or even acknowledged.

First off? Screw his freelance photographer job. Put Peter Parker back in the classroom as a high school science teacher, where he belongs. Fans of Spider-Man's classic status quo once argued that keeping Peter in the same dead-end job he's had since he was a high school student was the best way to keep him connected to some of the most iconic members of his cast, but that boat already sailed the moment that J. Jonah Jameson got elected mayor of New York City. Yes, there's Ben Urich and Norah Winters at Front Line, and Betty Brant at what remains of the Daily Bugle, but I see no compelling reason why those folks can't simply be friends and civilian (here used to denote "non-superhuman") contacts of Peter, with whom he keeps in touch both in and out of costume. After all, he didn't have to join the police to have Jean DeWolff as a member of his supporting cast.

Marvel Comics Editor Tom Brevoort asserted a while ago that, in spite of Peter Parker taking his Uncle Ben's motto of "With great power comes great responsibility" to heart, Spider-Man is about youth, and NOT about responsibility. Count me among those who initially railed against Brevoort's statements by protesting that, no, Spider-Man is about responsibility, and NOT about youth, but as I've thought about it, I realize that both sides of that debate were half-right, which is to say that we were both half-wrong, because from his first appearance forward, the story of Spider-Man has ALWAYS been one of youth saddled with responsibility.

Therefore, while Brevoort, Marvel Comics Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada, Spider-Man Editor Steve Wacker and the members of the Spider-Man "brain trust" of writers have expressed concerns over prematurely aging Peter Parker by saddling him with too much responsibility, either in his personal or his professional lives, I would argue that Peter has been saddled with a degree of responsibility that's outsized his youth ever since his inception as a character, and furthermore, I would contend that part of the whole point of that practice has been to underscore his youth through his responsibility.

Worried that you can't show Peter Parker teaching teenage students, because it might detract from the youth of his character? I say that, if you write such stories properly, they'll actually emphasize Peter's youth. Have him reflect on how his memories of high school still feel so fresh that he barely feels like he's left. At the same time, show that he's genuinely good at his job, no matter how difficult it is for him to maintain it while also staying active in his demanding second career in costume. Contrary to Marvel's current party line, I say that it's okay to depict Peter as competent, because this is a guy who basically became the adult breadwinner and head of his household the moment that his Uncle Ben was murdered, back when he was still just a teenager himself. The challenges in Peter's life shouldn't rise so much from his own mistakes, especially if they stem from selfishness or short-sightedness, as they should from the fact that he's an exceptionally bright guy who nonetheless feels compelled to take way too much onto his plate at once.

More than anything, THAT'S who Peter Parker is, is the perpetual tug-of-war between not only his youth and his responsibility, but also between his intelligence and his responsibility. Peter has ALWAYS over-committed like mad, because he's driven - both by his guilt over his Uncle Ben's death AND by the lingering sense of nerd-pride hubris that he harbored from BEFORE Uncle Ben died - to juggle as many obligations to his friends and family, coworkers and employers, and fellow superheroes and innocent civilians as he thinks that he possibly can. Yes, Peter tries to spin so many plates at the same time that he occasionally drops more than a few, and yet, thanks to his years of experience at attempting this impossibly Sisyphean schedule, he should be better at it than anyone. Peter may seem a bit aimless at times, but he should never seem lazy, and while he shouldn't be Captain America, whose veteran superhero status has gifted him with a decades-deep list of back-up plans to draw from in combat, what makes Peter special in a fight is that, even when he's surprised - and due to the number of other concerns that tend to divide his focus, he often is - he's developed an impressive capacity to improvise "eureka" solutions on the spot, because more than any other superhero aside from the Flash, Peter lives or dies by thinking on his feet.

It's worth noting that, if written properly, being a high school teacher would highlight not only Peter Parker's smarts and ability to adjust to adversity, but also his compassion. Teaching science plays perfectly into his mental talents, while having him live on a teacher's salary ensures that he's still struggling to make ends meet financially, but just as importantly, teaching opens the door for Peter to serve as a mentor to those even younger than himself, which, once again, ties into both his own youth and his responsibility. A while back, I mapped out Marvel's four most iconic male characters onto male family archetypes, with Steve Rogers as the inspiring and optimistic grandfather, Tony Stark as the indulgent but distant father, Logan as the roguish but good-hearted uncle, and Peter himself as the sensitive and supportive older brother. As a teacher, Mr. Parker would likely be regarded as a bit of a flake by his coworkers, for his occasional unexplained absences and visible bruises if nothing else, but they'd keep him on because of his popularity with students and parents alike. He'd be the gentle, non-judgemental teacher who kids would feel safe enough around to confide in, whether they were dealing with abuse at home, or they were gay but not ready to come out just yet. A lot of young girls (and more than a handful of young boys) would crush on Mr. Parker, mostly without him ever realizing it, and when he did find out about the affections he'd inspired, it would create comic and touching moments of awkward awkwardness. Hell, if you really want to make Peter blush, have a few cougar moms flirt with him, because even THAT will shine a spotlight on his youth ("This lady's actually pretty attractive, but jeez, she's almost old enough to be MY mom, never mind my student's mom!") and his responsibility ("As tempting as this is, I don't want to create the appearance of a conflict of interest, by having people say I'm giving a student preferential treatment just because I'm dating her mom.").

And once you've established this mentorship role for Peter in his civilian life, there's no reason not to extend it to a parallel role in his costumed career. If you're a young superhero who needs someone to show you the ropes, but you don't want to be roped into anyone else's wars, who can you really turn to in the Marvel Universe anymore? The X-Men have become politically partisan isolationists (yes, even more so than they ever were before), the Avengers have split into oppressively government-run and intimidatingly gritty outlaw factions, and the Fantastic Four don't even schedule appointments with anyone who's not on Reed Richards' personal Rolodex. But if you live in New York City (and, let's face it, if you're a superhero in the Marvel Universe, odds are that you probably do), then you know that there's a guy who's willing to help out solo operators such as yourself. Sure, he's gotten a bad rap from law enforcement, the mainstream media and assorted other authority figures, but the general public knows the real score on him, because he's a working-class underdog, just like them, who looks out for the little guys, just like you, who everyone else is too busy with their own secular agendas to bother with. For as often as Jonah rails against him and warrants are issued for his arrest, the average person on the street should think that Spider-Man is an Okay Joe, and the average non-affiliated self-starter newbie superhero should see Spider-Man as someone like themselves, only with a far greater wealth of experience and know-how. Even the kids with brand-new costumes who might be slightly skeptical of Captain America should trust Spider-Man, because in the truest sense of the term, he's got "indie cred."

Of course, realizing that he has so many young students and young superheroes alike who look up to him should trip Peter Parker's guilt and anxiety triggers something serious, because, as already stated, he still sees himself as barely being that much older or more mature than any number of the kids who are looking up to him, but for as distracted and as overextended as he often is, the fact that he holds it all together as well as he does should show the readers that those young people's faith in Peter is deserved.

Peter Parker isn't the only one in a position to pass on knowledge gleaned from direct dealings with the world of superheroes, though, since Mary Jane Watson, who already went back to college to major in psychology, is someone who's had a longtime relationship with a superhero (regardless of whether canon ultimately decides that she was married to him or merely dating him and living together with him at the time), with full knowledge of his secret identity throughout that relationship. So, guess who's now overqualified to offer couples and family counseling to other superheroes and their loved ones? Again, this new role for Mary Jane works whether she ever gets back together with Peter or not, and even better, it gives her a reason to stay in touch with him, both in and out of costume, since she might refer her clients to see him for superhero mentorship, or vice-versa. Of course, since we've already established that Peter's story is one of youth made to appear even more youthful by taking on additional adult responsibility, I'd point out that Peter and Mary Jane could get (re)married without fears of prematurely aging either character, but that's bordering on off-topic for the parameters that I myself set for this discussion.

Bottom line, there's an embarrassing wealth of ways to make Peter an admirably competent, clever and compassionate hero, without sacrificing his sense of responsibility to enshrine his youth (or even the other way around), that would make him a compelling, dynamic and creatively realized character, but in spite of the fact that you could accomplish almost all of this within the boundaries of the current status quo - IE. without retconning the retcons - NONE OF THESE FUN IDEAS ARE BEING USED, because Marvel apparently prefers to treat Peter Parker like a formulaic collection of holdover cliches and genre conventions rather than as an internally consistent or multidimensional character in his own right.

Blame Neadods for inspiring this rant, by the way. She requested it a while ago, and it's long overdue.

P.S. Oh, and because I know someone will ask, how does Peter Parker get hired as a high school teacher again, after the reversal of his secret identity reveal ruined his job references?

"I understand that, as the principal of an already struggling inner-city high school, you need to be as selective as you can about the staff that you choose to hire, but Peter Parker's service proved invaluable during the conflict over superhero registration."

"What? But there's nothing on file about that! How was he involved, Ms. ... Potts, is it?"

"He wasn't involved - not that you know of, anyway, because if he was involved, it would be a matter of national security, and you wouldn't be authorized to know. All you need to know is that, if you were to consider Mr. Parker for the open science teacher position at your school, the Maria Stark Foundation would be grateful. And our gratitude takes the form of a dollar amount, with a number of zeroes after it. How many zeroes would it take for you to consider someone with Mr. Parker's employment record?"

If this essay has been relevant to your interests, let me know, and I might gin up my further thoughts on yaoi how to create interesting new romantic subplots for Peter, without retconning the marriage retcon, or even necessarily involving Mary Jane, but also without resorting to any of the utterly worthless and painfully unbearable stories or tropes that the "brain trust" has chosen to employ for this same topic.

Feel free to repost the full text of this piece as you see fit, so long as you link back to its source and give credit where it's due.