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WRITER'S NOTE: Here is pretty much every Chrismahannaqwanza story up till now. It all start way back 2005 & the last story was from last year. Enjoy. The Complete Chad & Ronnie Christahannaqwanza Spectacular It's December 20th & It's snowing. In Parrodipolis, at a former vacant lot that now serves as Joyous Leon's Tree lot, Lenny is working at his Uncle Leon, like he does every year. He doesn't like being there, it's cold & he doesn't get paid anything other then all the Hot Chocolate he can drink & all the Candy Canes he wants. Lenny wonders the lot looking for customers. He sees families with tons of kids, couples & other assorted people. Lenny then sees a few rows away something odd. Among the trees is a red ball of fuzz, it's moving towards him. Lenny also hears the sounds of an Accordion being played & some one calling out for a "Susan". Then, Lenny sees two men, He can't believe what he's seeing. One looks a slightly disheveled. He is wearing a puffy coat over a flannel shirt; neither are buttoned up & the flannel shirt isn't tucked in, the flannel shirt bigger then the coat. From under the flannel shirt, Lenny could barely see a dark grey t-shirt with the words 'Inflatable Monkey' on it & the picture of a monkey-like balloon on it. The man is also wearing a pair of jeans & blue Converse High Tops. The shoes & the lower part of his pants are wet from the snow. His dark brown hair looks not to have combed in awhile, the man was not wearing the hood. He has light sky blue eyes and he wears a well-used pair of horned rimmed glasses. He is carrying an Accordion. His friend, the one calling out for Susan, his clothing follows a theme, red & yellow. He has a big red possible Afro with a yellow comb stuck in it. He is wearing a yellow trench coat, a yellow shirt & red denim jeans. Also, he has yellow striped socks & red oversized shoes on. He wears glasses are too big for his head. Lenny also notices that he has some Jellybeans up his nose. "Hello." Lenny says, hesitantly "May I help you find something?" "Yes, my fine seller of trees. We are looking for Susan!" The one with the afro said. Now, Lenny has a sister named Susan. He knows she's into some kinky stuff. But, he didn't know she was this kinky. "I'm sorry to tell you my sister ain't here. She might be in tomorrow." "We care not for your sister. We are looking for the sacred Holland Day's Bush, Susan!" The one with the afro said. His friend nodded in agreement. Lenny turns to a tree & asks if that one was Susan. The Man with the Afro said no. Lenny went around to with them to many trees asking the same question "Is this Susan?" & always the answer was no. Now, Lenny is a normally patient man, but this dynamic duo was grating on his nerves. He's cold, He's not getting paid, the hot chocolate taste like Leon's dog took a piss in it (and might of), so he doesn't have time to deal with these kooks. Then, the one with the accordion squealed with excitement. He ran over to a telephone pole, he put down his accordion & hugged the telephone pole. "It looks like your friend found Susan." Lenny joked. "Yes. Yes, he had. How much is she?" "What? You can't take that telephone pole, it's city property." Lenny almost yelled at the man. "It's on your lot, so it must be for sell!" he said. "It's not my lot, it's my uncle's & I don't think he would sell you the pole, either." "Ok. How about that Jerome over there?" The man with the afro said as he pointed to one of the wooded coat racks Lenny's Uncle Charlie makes (He has his brother sell them & they split the profits). "Yes, that is for sell. It's 20 bucks." "We'll take it." He said to Lenny. Then, turned to his friend. "Hey, Chad!" His friend ran over. "Susan is not for sell. The city owns her, but we are getting Jerome!" This made the accordion wearing Chad very happy. He ran over & picked up the coat rack, raised it above his head & screamed in excitement. "Here you go, my fine man." The man with the Afro said. He gave Lenny 20 dollars, all in quarters. "Good Christahannaqwanza to you & a happy new year to you & yours." Then, he walked away. He followed his friend who ran off with the coat rack he was waving it above his head & he yelled at a few people "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" After he said that, he laughed. Then, ran over to some more people did the same thing. The excitement was understandable, Christahannaqwanza is his favorite holiday next to Shave the Whales day. As soon as Lenny knew they had left, Lenny went to find his Uncle Leon to tell him he quit. He was keeping the quarters as severance. Later, at the apartment of Chad & Ronnie, they were decorating Jerome with random stuff from around the apartment. Ronnie has duct tapped some branches he "found" to Jerome. Chad was wrapping Jerome in lights, they were red & yellow (Ronnie bought them). Once finished, They stood back looking at Jerome. They were happy & did a dance, a mummer's dance to be exact. Just then, that day's mail arrived. Ronnie picked it up. "Occupant, Occupant, Occupant, Occupant, Occupant, Occupant, Chad's Accordion Players magazine. Occupant, Occupant, Occupant, Occupant. Yeah!" Ronnie said. He found mostly bills & other junk mail. One piece caught his eye. Chad turned his attention to Ronnie. "We got an invite to a party!" Ronnie said as he showed Chad the invite. They high fived each other. Ronnie read the invite: You are cordially invited to keep The Feast of Christmas at the home of Sir Mumphrey Wilton KBE GCB GCMG CVCO FRS Wilton Manor Wendel’s Hallow Shropshire, England RSVP. "Then, the sender wrote please attend. Isn't that nice. Oh, Oops! This isn't for us. I just looked at the envelope & It's for some guy named Dominic Clancy." Ronnie said. Chad got sad. "Then, I guess were going to have to return the invite to the sender." Ronnie said. Looked at the return address, it was an address in England. "England here we come!" "And So, Saint Rick Clausen got on his souped up Moped & rode off into the distance. As he rode off, one could hear being yelled: Lather, Rinse, Repeat! And, my friend that is the story of one of the first Christahannaqwanza's." Ronnie said. Ronnie didn't know if Chad was listening or even if he was awake, he just felt like telling the story, it gave him a nice warm feeling. He couldn't see Chad mostly because they happen to be in the dark. They were in the dark because their crate didn't not come with a light. Then, Ronnie wondered what time it was. He had forgotten his watch back in the US. Then, he wondered about the money exchange rate between American & English money. Then, he thought about his socks. He likes socks! Sometime later, Ronnie could hear some thing from outside their crate. It sounded like they were landing. Ronnie was glad. He was also happy that he overnight shipped himself & Chad to their destination. He wasn't sure how much longer he could stand being in that crate. During what Ronnie could only guess as being unloaded, Chad woke up. "Good Morning, Good Afternoon & Good Night, Chad." Ronnie said, not knowing what time it was. As Chad moved around, Ronnie could hear his Accordion. "I think we are in jolly, ol' England." Ronnie said. Many hours later, The FED-UP delivery man delivered Chad & Ronnie to there final destination. Chad & Ronnie listened in on what was happening outside their crate. They were brought into the building, signed for & then left. Once they were sure no one was around, They set about opening the crate. They brought crow bars with them (They both found out that crow bars aren't the greatest thing to sleep on or with). Ronnie, who was on top, got out first. He stretched out as Chad got out & stretched. "Not quite what I was expecting, but hey, it's their country!" Ronnie said as he commented on his surroundings. The duo happen to be in a back room of Buckingham Place. They left their crate to go & return the invite that wrongly was sent to them. They left the back room & proceeded to walk down one of the hallways. As they walk, Ronnie asks "Did we water Jerome before we left?" Chad shrugs his shoulders. "I sure hope he doesn't dry out before we get back." Ronnie said. They pass a ballroom. Chad taps Ronnie on the shoulder & points to a crowd. They were spilling out of the big ballroom. There was a big ceremony going on. One brave member of the English Commonwealth was being knighted. "Cool! I guess he gets knighted because of his involvement with the Trans-Planetary Reality show thing that was on the TV recently." Ronnie said. Chad & Ronnie were about to join the crowd to watch Hatman be knighted. But, some to the palace guards found them first. "Hey, you!" One called out to them. The duo turned to see who they were, they saw & then ran away. As they ran, Ronnie looked over at Chad, he looked back at him. Then, Ronnie said. "Yes, I know, Chad. Mailing ourselves to the Queen of England may have not being the smartest thing to do." They were searching for an exit. They finally found one. Now, they were outside, they needed to find somewhere to hide. Chad pointed to an car, it was a Rolls Royce Silver Dawn, the trunk was open. "Excellent thinking!" Ronnie said. They ran for the trunk & were able to close the trunk's lid before the Guards came storming out of the Palace after them. They decided to wait there until the guards were gotten. They didn't close the lid all the way, they could see out side. Once the guards had gone, they would go off to Wilton's & then back home to finnish their Christahannaqwanza celebration. While waiting for the guards to leave, the driver of the car came by & closed the trunk all the way. So, wherever that car was going, they were, too! Half way through the trip, the hum of the car made them sleepy & they fell asleep. Chad woke up first this time, the car had stopped & he shook Ronnie to wake him up. Chad saw that the trunk had not closed all the way, so he pushed open the trunk to find that they were in a fancy garage. It looked to have been at one time a stable for Horses. In fact, there was a Horse in the next stall, it was brown. Ronnie got up & out of the car. Chad then got out. "Why are we always in tight spaces?" Ronnie asked. Chad shrugged his shoulders. "Also, why do you have to bring that stupid Accordion everywhere? I left Little Cat with Jane when we left the States, you could have left the Accordion at the apartment?" Ronnie yelled. His yelling spooked some birds roosting in the rafters. Chad held his Accordion tightly. No one was going to take his Accordion. Then, Ronnie went & opened the door to the Garage/Stable. It was snowing outside. Ronnie stuck out his tongue & caught a snowflake on his tongue. "Hmm. Tastes just like back at home." The Duo could see through some trees the main building, They walked towards it. They needed directions to Sir Mumphrey's house, they were now completely lost. Chad knocked & a hunchback butler with a slightly crazed look on his face answered the door. "Yes?" "Hello, my good sir. My name is Ronald & his associate's names in Chadwick." Ronnie said in his best english accent (He ended up sounding like Mr Howell from Gilligan's Island). When he mentioned Chad, he waved hello. "Ok, name's Flapjack. You here for Mumph's party?" He said. "Mumph, as in Sir Mumphrey Wilton?" Ronnie asked. "Yes. Who else would I be talking about?" Flapjack said. As he spoke he was trying to place the two of them. He didn't see anyone named Ronald or Chadwick in the list of attendees, but he might have missed them. He then thought that they might be guests of CrazySugarFreakBoy! or dull thud's. They looked like it. "Uh, I'm not sure. But, yes. We are here to see Sir Mumphrey." Ronnie said. Then, Flapjack invited them in, they walked into the grand old building's foyer. "Can I take you coats, sirs?" Flapjack said. "Yes, thank you." Ronnie said as he took of his bright yellow tench coat. Chad also took of his coat. They both handed them to Flapjack, he was going to go through their pockets after they were out of sight. "The rest of the guests are in the main room. It's just down the hallway." Flapjack said & pointed down a hallway in front of them. "Just head on down the hallway, they are making lots of noise, you can't miss them." "Thank you, hunchbacked one. Is Sir Mumphrey there?" "Yes. At least, I think so." Chad & Ronnie made there way down the hallway. Once The duo was out of sight, Flapjack reached into one of Ronnie's coat pockets & pulled out a handfull of jelly beans. "Jelly beans? Why the heck is his pocket's filled with Jelly Beans?" Flapjack wondered to himself. As Chad & Ronnie walked down the hallway, they looked at all the stuff around them. "It's like being in a museum!" Ronnie said. Then, he started to search his pockets for something. "The invite!" he said, still searching. "Where is it?" Still searching for it, Ronnie finally looked up & saw that Chad had it. "Oh, good god!" He was relieved & stopped walking, turned to Chad & said. "So, here is what were going to do? Ok?" Chad nodded yes. "We are going to go into the party, give the invite back to Sir Mumphrey, maybe get some free food. Then, leave. Alright?" Again, Chad shook his head yes. They were now almost at the party. But, before they opened the doors, Ronnie to turned to Chad & said "You ready?" Chad shrugged his shoulder & they went in. Chad & Ronnie open the doors to the party. Few turn around to see who came. Those that do don't know who they are. "Dream, Did you invite some people I don't know about?" Meggan Foxxx asked her son, Dreamcatcher Foxglove, who is also know as the hero called CrazySugarFreakBoy! "No. At least, I didn't think I did." Lee Bookman looks up from his book. He was sitting in a high back leather chair, it was near a roaring fire. Lee sees Chad & Ronnie. Like most everyone, he doesn't recognize them. He thought "You would think that a man who spends most of his days in the LL's file room would know pretty much know everyone at a LL party." He pulls his IOL communicator out of his trench coat pocket. Flapjack tried to take his jacket from him, but Flapjack stopped after a few minutes of resistance. Lee opens the small device & presses a button, then the device dials a phone number. Lee raises the device to his ear, he hears it ringing. Then, a cheerful voice on the other end picks up. "Thanks you for dialing the Moon Public Library, My Name is DD. How may I help you?" "Hi." Lee said, almost monotonly. "Oh, Hi, Lee. How's the party going?" "Fine." "Did something happen?" "Depends. But, nothing bad has happened, yet. I need you to do something." "Sure, What?" "I'll be sending you some pic's of two men who just arrived at the party. I don't recognize them. I see that others don't either. I need to you to ID them." "Sure." Lee aims his communicator at Chad & Ronnie, it takes a few pictures of them. Then, Lee sends them to DD. "Do you have them?" Lee asks. "Yes. Once I have an answer, I'll call you back. Have fun!" DD says before hanging up. "Sure, whatever." At the Moon Public Library, A.L.F.RED asks DD a question "Who was that?" "That was Lee. He wanted me to do something for him." "Does he know about our problem?" "No. I didn't tell him." "Why Not?" "Because I decided he should have a nice christmas not worrying about us or the Library." "Stupid Holiday!" A.L.F.RED said before the massive plant he'd been fighting for the last hour bit down on his head. "That's it. I'm going to live up to my model's rep & go psycho on this plant's ass!" A.L.F.RED thought. Back at the home of Sir Mumphrey, Chad & Ronnie continue their way through the party. Most of the people they see there, they have only seen on Tv, in pictures & in other media. They have never seen them in person (Except for Hatman, they saw him earlier that day at Buckingham Palace). As they made it around, one thought kept come to them: They don't know what Sir Mumphrey looks like! They ruled many of the people out but that still left a good number of people. "Ah, yes. Mr. Beeslyhuxtoy & his mostly mute companion have arrived." The Hooded Hood mused from his chair. He was sitting on one of the balconies above the party. He cracked a sly smile and then mused "So, they did get the invitation." Then took a sip of his wine. Chad & Ronnie continue to look from Sir Mumphrey. They think they have narrowed who he is to a few people. Then, that group is narrowed down when they see some of them carrying around trays of food. "Would you like some Spotted Dick?" One asked Ronnie. "What?" "Would you like some Spotted Dick?" They asked again. Then, Ronnie noticed that the man had a tray of food & that must be what he was referring to. "Uh, no. But, could you direct me to Sir Mumphrey?" "Yes." The waiter said. He looked around & saw him. "He is over there next to that nice young woman over there." He pointed to Sir Mumphrey, he was talking Asil. "Thank you." Ronnie said. "If you don't mind me asking which super hero are you?" The waiter asked, still trying to place who he is. "Who don't know?" "No, I'm sorry." "You should be." Ronnie said & then walked off. As he walked off, he laughed to himself. During this interchange, Chad has wondered off as he offen does. He had found the buffet table, it was covered with all different types of food. "Oh my god, Trudi! It's him! That means that his freaky little friend must be here, too." Jenni Wooster whispered to her sister. They had also found the Buffet Table. "How did they get invited?" Trudi wondered. Then, the Wooster Sisters slowly walked away from the Buffet Table. They were both hoping to not get noticed (but only by him). The Sisters then spy Hatman across the room & head towards him. With Invite in hand, Ronnie walks up the Knight with a lot of three & four letter abbreviations after his name. He only knows what some of them mean. As he gets closer, the more nervous he gets. Now, Ronnie's eyes are large & trained on Mumphrey as he walks forward. It's at a slow pace but he's getting there. Ronnie also starts to breath heavily. "Ah, Mumph." Asil asks "Yes, m'dear." "There is a man dressed like Ronald McDonald on crack & he is heading this way." Mumph looks around & then sees him. Ronnie raises his arm with invite in hand. "What should we do?" Asil asked. "Let's find out what that queer-looking johnnie's after, what, and then I'll see if I need to sling him out on his ear." Ronnie gets closer, Asil & Mumph don't move. They are now starring at each other. Ronnie is now two to three feet from the two of them, he mumbles "Here", tosses the invite at Mumph & runs off. "That was odd." Asil said. Mumph leaned over to pick up what was thrown at him. He sees that it is one of his invites, the one he sent to Mr. Epitome. But, it was addressed in his real name. He didn't remember having one made out like this. "Dashed odd. Queer as a French sailor." Ronnie was now running around looking for Chad & then he wants to get the heck out of there. He found Chad playing his Accordion for the Caphans. They were dancing as he played, Flapjack was filming them with his new camcorder, a Christmas present from his Uncle. "Chad. We need to leave NOW!" Ronnie told Chad. He stopped playing, the Caphans stopped dancing, Flapjack stopped filming & was sad. Chad & Ronnie then ran off. Ronnie threw open the doors to the hallway. They ran down the hallway, Ronnie found his jellybeans spread all over the floor. He grabbed his jacket & Chad grabbed his. Then, they ran out into the snow. As they ran down the hill from the house to the main road, They pass a group of carolers going up the hill. Chad & Ronnie wave to them, some wave back. Time passes, Lee is still reading his book. Then, his communicator goes off. Lee answers. "Hello." "Hi, Lee. I have some info on your mystery men." DD said as A.L.F.RED cleaned up the aftermath of his fight. "Ok. What is it?" "According to our records, those two go by the names of Ronald Arnold Gerrimoto Beeslyhuxtoy & Chadwick L. Swiss. Our records don't show what the L stands for?" DD said. "Maybe it's Librarian?" she joked. "Anything else?" Lee asked, not finding the joke funny. "Their addresses, they both live on Parrodipolis. Most records on them start about the mid 80's. They don't pay taxes, they don't have jobs, It looks like they have never had jobs. Let's see what else?" DD said some more details about Chad & Ronnie. Most of the info was vague at best. "The oddest info i found was that they had a couple of songs written about them, it was by the band Inflatable Monkey, the songs title are accordion laden ballad "Chad & Ronnie" & the dance song "Don't try the Jelly Beans". They are both from the Inflatable Monkey album titled "It's all Sunshine & Puppies." Lee, not listening, asked no one. "So, what would they be doing here?" "Not sure." "Why are our records on them so sketchy?" "I don't know. I was finding that odd, too." "We should have complete records, dam it! Were the fricking IOL!" Lee almost yelled into the communicator. "Ok, Utah." DD said sarcastically. "Don't you ever say that name to me, ever again!" Lee said, angrily. "Ok." DD said, then changed the subject "Do you want me to search some more on them. I still have a couple more Earth databases that I could check?" "No, it's ok. I just don't like that two anomalies could walk right into a party with the earth's mightiest heroes without anyone knowing who they are." Lee said, then sighed. "See you later!" DD said "Sure." They both hang up. EPILOGUE: Dullard's Corner, local time is 4 am. The ringing of the phone wakes Jane Tarzania out of restful sleep. She finds the phone & picks up. Her eyes still closed & says "Hello?" She think it will be her boss, they are always calling at all hours of the day. "Jane?" said the voice on the other end. "Ronnie?" Jane says, she sits up in bed & opens her eyes. Looks over at his clock radio. "It's 4 in the morning." "No, it's not. It's 9 am, silly." There was a moment of silence. Then, Ronnie said "COOL!" "What, Ronnie?" Jane said, as she rolled her eyes. "So, this means I'm making a time traveling phone call. It just like in that movie. Hey, Chad!" Jane can hear a muffled answer. "Jane is in the past & I'm calling her from the present!" Another muffled answer. "Jane?" "Yes, Ronnie?" "Why I called is to ask you a question." "Yes, Little Cat is ok. I finally got him to eat some really food." "That's good, but that isn't my question." "What is it?" Jane asked, wanting to go back to sleep. She has work in 5 hours. "Could you pick us up?" "Sure. Why not?" "Cool!" "Where are you?" "In a phone booth." Ronnie answered. Jane sighed & asked "Where is this phone booth?" "England." Jane dropped the phone. She thought once she stopped dating Ronnie, she wouldn't have to put up with stuff like this. But, recently she decided to be the nice ex-girlfriend & take care of his hamster while he was away. Jane now realizes that that was a stupid idea. She tried to get out but he keep pulling her back in. Ronnie tried to get Jane back on the line, but it was no use. She picked up the receiver, said goodbye & hung up. They would just have to find there own way home. She then settled back down & fell back asleep. THE END! A 2nd Epilogue to the Chad & Ronnie Christahannaqwanza Spectacular in the from of a Postcard. 1/3/05 Jane, Returned invite, left. Went to look for crate, Not where we left it. Found in Palace dumpster, unusable. Met Linda Blair's cousin/brother, nice guy. Showed us around the castle, lots of cool old stuff. Spent few minutes having fun with guard. England food not as bad as people say. Had nice new years. Be back in the States by end of month. Say hi to Little Cat for me & Ronnie says hi! Lather, rinse, repeat, Chad A story that happens after the Chad & Ronnie Christahannaqwanza Spectacular & kind of ties in which had 2 titles: Homeward Bound & Gagged or Back in the USSA! The Parrodipolis International Airport, Concourse A, Gate 1. A transatlantic flight just got in from Heathrow Airport in England. It's your average flight with average people, or so you would think. Your typical people got off, they went to go get their luggage & then maybe meet family. After them came the flight crew get off. Then, getting off the plane were two men. One with brown hair & glasses. On his back, being worn like a back pack, is an accordion. He is also pulling a hand truck, on the hand truck is his friend. The man is strapped to the hand truck, he also has a straight jacket on. The man also has mask, of sorts, on to stop him from talking. This dynamic duo are known as Chadwick L. Swiss & Ronald Arnold Gerrimoto Beeslyhuxtoy. They are more commonly known as Chad & Ronnie. Chad & Ronnie had a couple of small problems at the Heathrow Airport. First, they only wanted one way tickets to the US & they didn't have any luggage (besides Chad's Accordion). They were taken aside by Airport Security, later they checked out to be "ok" for the flight. They got their tickets. Then, Ronnie was accosting a few people, Ronnie called it "expanding their minds", while waiting for the flight to leave. He was taking away by Security. They tried to calm him down, that didn't work. They tried to drug him, he just got more uncontrollable. With the help of Chad's accordion music, he calmed down. He was then bound & gagged. Back at the Parrodipolis International Airport, Chad helped Ronnie through the crowds, they got a few looks form passer's by (But, that's normal for them). They got out to the main terminal & Chad started looking for their ride. Yes, Jane decided to final come pick them up. Chad saw her, she was sitting on one of the many benches. She was reading that morning's Daily Trombone. She heard a squeaky wheel, it was getting louder. She didn't look up from the paper. It keep getting louder & louder & louder. Then, it stopped. Jane didn't move. A few minutes went by, then she looked up to see Chad smiling down at her & from what she could see, Ronnie might have also been smiling. "Hello, boys. How was the trip?" She asked. Ronnie started to mumble something. Chad just smiled & gave a thumbs up. "You know, Chad. You can speak to me, I think I have known you long enough to at least have that privilege. I know you can talk, you do it to Ronnie all the time." Chad just smiled & shook his head yes. Ronnie mumbled something. "Do you guys have any luggage we need to get?" Chad shook his head no & then patted his accordion. "Ok. I'm guessing that means that you only have the accordion as your luggage." Chad smiled again & shook his head yes. "So, what do we do with Ronnie?" Jane said referencing Ronnie in his Silence of the Lambs gear. Chad then starts doing a stabbing motion with his arm, the arm motion was directed at Ronnie. Then, Chad saw a look of desperation on Jane's face. Chad stopped, laughed a bit, then pointed at a nice looking, bald headed, security guard standing a few feet from them. "Mam'am." the Guard said. "Yes?" Jane said. She didn't really like being called mam'am, but she wasn't going to argue with an armed Guard. "As soon as Mr. Beeslyhuxtoy leaves the terminal, I'll take back the restraints." "ok." "Then, he'll been under your care from there." "oh, great." Jane said. The Guard wasn't sure if she was trying to be funny or was serious. The Group (Chad, Ronnie, Jane & the Guard) walk over to the exit doors. They step outside, release Ronnie & the Guard takes the restraints back inside the airport. "Hello, Jane." Ronnie said, pulling out the wedgie he'd had since England. "Hi, Ronnie." "Where's the car?" Ronnie said, looking around for it. "Over there." Jane said, pointing to the concrete parking structure. "Then, Let's go!" Ronnie said. The Group (now minus the Guard) start walking towards the parking structure. Ronnie is in front of the group, then Jane & bringing up the rear is Chad & his accordion makes sounds as he move. Ronnie is running everywhere, darting in between, in front & behind cars. He hums the Mission Impossible theme. Jane slows down so she can talk with Chad. "So, how's it going?" she asks. Chad shrugs his shoulders. "Did you like jolly ol' England?" Jane said with a small laugh. Chad gave a small smile & shrugged his shoulders, again. "How was the food?" She asks & get the same reaction. She asks a few other questions & gets the same response, a smile & a shrug of the shoulders. Then, Jane a little mad almost screams at Chad. "Can't I get to say anything?" Chad gave another small smile & shrugged his shoulders, yet again. Then, walked a little faster & wondered off. Jane let out a sigh. She promises to herself that one day she will have a verbal conversation with Chad. Twenty minutes later, Jane finds Ronnie, he was talking to some people about Broccoli & it's cosmic importance. She then went to find Chad (She drug Ronnie behind her). Jane found Chad waiting next to Jane's Car. She didn't tell him where the car was or what car she drove but shrugged off the that fact. All three get in the car (Jane in the driver's seat, Ronnie in the passenger seat & Chad in the back with his accordion.) "So, where to now?" Jane asked as she turned on the car. The tape she was listening to came on. It's was Dr. Phil & he was talking about how to deal with ex-boyfriends. Jane quickly went to turn it off. She gave out an embarrassed laugh. She heard Chad laugh. Ronnie didn't do anything. "Well, I would like to go see Little Cat." Ronnie said, then turned to Chad. "How about you?" Chad shrugged his shoulders. "So, it's settled & were off!" Jane put the car into drive, drove out of the parking structure. She paid her fair & drove back to her apartment to get Ronnie's hamster. They got to Jane's Dullard's Corners apartment building. They got out & Jane stopped Chad & Ronnie before going up the stairs to the building. "Now, Chad & Ronnie. I want you two to wait here. I'll go get Little Cat. Ok?" "Ok, whatever you want? Why don't you want me in your apartment? I've been in it before." Ronnie said, a little quickly. "I know. That's why I want you to wait out here." Jane said. She turned & walked up the stairs. Then, into the building. Before she closed the door, she looked back. Ronnie waved, Chad smiled. Then, she closed the door & had a bad feeling. No more then twenty minutes later did Jane come back with Little Cat, she saw that Ronnie was gone. Chad was still there, he was leaning against Jane's car playing a song on his accordion. "Where did he go?" She asked. Chad pointed to the left & continued to play, it sound like the Blues to Jane. Jane looked left & saw the path of destruction Ronnie has left. "Why didn't you go after him?" Chad shrugged his shoulders. "Ok. You stay here with Little Cat. I'll go find Ronnie. Ok?" Chad smiled & Jane guessed that was a yes. Jane handed Chad the hamster. He waved to the hamster, Little Cat waved back. As Jane went to go look for Ronnie, Chad played his accordion as Little Cat danced a small jig on the top of Jane's Car. Jane found Ronnie a few blocks away from where she left him. "Ronnie, what are you doing here?" Jane asked. "Expanding this young lady's mind!" Ronnie said. Ronnie was talking an elderly woman. All three of them were at a Bus Stop. The woman looked scared. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Johnson." Jane apologized to her neighbor. "It's ok, Jane. At least, he stopped wanting to dance with me." she said. "Ronnie!" Jane said. "Yes?" "Why did you wonder off?" "I did what you said, I waited. But, you were gone for, like, four hours. I got bored, so I left." "I was only gone for twenty minutes." "oh. I told Chad to tell you where I went, did he tell you?" "No. Chad never talks to anyone." "He talks to me. Does that mean I'm not anyone?" "No. You know what I mean." "I do?" Ronnie questioned. He arched on eyebrow. "Stop that. That was one reason I broke up with you, it's almost impossible to have a conversation with you." "It is?" Again Ronnie questioned. He arched the other eyebrow now. "Now come back to the car, Chad & Little Cat are waiting." "Ok." Ronnie said. As they walked away, he turned back & waved to Mrs. Johnson. "It was nice meeting you. Remember what I said, Grover Cleveland was only US President to be an Extra Terrestrial, too & Aliens are trying to take over Cleveland. There might be a connection!" Jane shook her head & sighed. Mrs. Johnson waved as they left. "Such a nice man. A little odd, but a nice man." she said to herself. Then, when back to her crochet, she was making mittens. Ronnie & Jane made it back to the car, Chad & Little Cat were gone. "Now where did they go ?" She said. "The Government might have gotten them. They have been after us since the mid-80's. We have done a pretty good job avoiding them. But, leaving them out in the open, all alone & being able to be seen by anyone maybe wasn't the smartest thing." Jane rolled her eyes. Then, say that Chad was sitting across the street at a bus stop. Ronnie & Jane walk across the street. "There you are." Jane said. "I knew he was here." Ronnie said a little full of himself. "No, you didn't. You thought the Government had gotten him." "They might have & then returned him." Ronnie said. "Did they?" he asked Chad. Chad shook his head no. "oh. So, Jane are you ready to take me & Chad back to our place of residence?" Ronnie asked Jane. "No." "What?" "The bus should get you close." "oh. Then, until we meet again please remember the immortal words of some dude: A radish is not a radish until it is planted." Jane rolled her eyes, then walked back across the street & then back into her building. That's not exactly what Dr. Phil told her to do, but it was close. THE END! The Uncompleted sequel to the Chad & Ronnie Christahannaqwanza Spectacular. I only ever did the prologue & a short part 1. In the dark recesses of the Lair Legion Mansion's basement, sits a man in a small room with one small window. He sits at a regulation issue desk, the desk is covered with old & new books, files & other assorted reading materials. To the right of him, on another smaller desk, is an iMAC computer for which he uses to access the LL's computer files & the internet. This room is littered with papers, file folders (both filled & unfilled), files, bookcases jammed with items, filling cabinets & other things of that sort. This man is Lee Bookman, a sometimes rogue IOL Librarian & associate member of the Lair Legion. He is also their unofficial record keeper at the moment. All thought he should be filing away Legion related materials, he is working on a personal side project. A project he's been working on since last December. It all started with a Lair Legion Christmas party at Sir Mumphrey's home in England. Lee had planned on going up to the MPL during his celebration, There was a new shipment of books that had come in that needed to be filed away. Lee didn't get to do that, he was told by Dancer & Sir Mumphrey that his present at the party was required. So, he went & sat by the fireplace in a comfortable high back leather chair. He was at least catching up on some of his reading. While he was reading about the Mukavarian government processes in the lower region of the northeast continent they walked into the party. He looked up from the chapter on Whippleguests when he noticed them. During the party, he every so offen would look up to see who had shown up. This was sort of a game for him to see how many people he could recognize, he was at a hundred percent until they walked in. These two anomalies were not listed in anything he had read about concerning the Legion. Lee sure hopped Flapjack wasn't just letting anyone who knocked on the door into the party. Lee with some help from D.D. at the MPL, he came know who the anomalies were: Chadwick L. Swiss & Ronald Arnold Gerrimoto Beeslyhuxtoy, who are more commonly known as Chad & Ronnie. The one known as Ronnie has a pet hamster with a somewhat confusing name of Little Cat. Over the next couple of months, Lee went about collecting information of this trio. Lee found all the info he needed on the hamster in the first month. He's spent the rest of time trying to figure out the owner & his friend. Lee had spent many a sleepless night trying to find any info on them. He kept on coming to a multitude of dead ends in his search. This was making Lee mad, He's the Librarian & no information is safe from him! It was now December 15th, 2005 & It was raining outside. Lee was up late compiling some info for Hatman, but his mind kept on wondering to his side project. The only light he had on was his desk lamp. Every so offen, lightning stuck & lit up the room. "Hello!" came a voice from the darkness. Lee looked up. He saw no one standing their until a flash of lightning lit up the room & there was two men standing in the doorway. They were his anomalies. "What are you doing here?" Lee asked. Another flash of lightning & Lee saw the one he had come to know as the mute one held up a pineapple. "What is this for?" "Chrismahannaqwanza!" said one with the afro. Lee scribbled down the word on a piece of paper & when he looked up, another flash of lightning lit up the room & they were gone. Lee saw that the pineapple was now set on his desk. Lee got up from his desk & ran out of the room. Then, down the hallway & up the stairs to the main floor of the Mansion. Lee checked every room quickly for any sign of those two. He found none. But, he did find that someone had left the door to the outside open in the Kitchen. Lee closed the door & decided it was late, so he went up to his room & fell asleep. Lee Bookman awakes from a fitful sleep. He sets up in bed, he's been sweating. All night his mind has been racing about the anomalies that occupy he every waking moment. He must know the secret behind Mister's Beeslyhuxtoy & Swiss. Then, he remembers the odd word they told him, it was Christa.. Crypta.. Christma.. What was it? He had it written on piece of paper in the File room. Lee races out of his room & down to the File room, almost knocking over a few people along the way. Once in the room, he started to search for the piece of paper. During his search, Dancer came down to ask Lee something. "Lee?" "Yes." He said as he continued to search. "Are you coming to the Legion Christmas party/Housewarming party for Vish?" "No." "Why not?" "Because!" "Why?" "I'm busy." "With what?" "stuff." Dancer sensing this conversation was not going anywhere, she left. Shortly their after, Lee found the piece of paper & the word he was looking for: Chrismahannaqwanza. He had never heard the word before, it sounded like the bastardization of three winter holidays. But, as he was come to learn their is always something more behind anything related to Mister's Beeslyhuxtoy & Swiss. Lee turns on his iMac, while it turned he search for the word in a few texts. He wasn't finding anything, so he turned to the internet & Google. Lee types in the word & the search yielded no results. Then, his pocket began making noises, it was the IOL pledge set to music. Lee fished around in his coat pocket for his IOL communicator. He found it, opened it & placed it next to his ear. "Hello?" "Hi, Lee! It's D.D." said the chipper voice on the other end. "Yes?" "I have wonderful news for you!" "Like what?" "Your Anomaly's Address." "You do!" Lee said with some glee. "How did you find it? We checked for it months ago & couldn't find it." "Yes, we did. But, the next phone books just came out & they are listed." "What's the address?" D.D. read off the address, Lee wrote it down. "Thanks." "No Problem." Lee hung up & was off. He was close, he could feel it. He would soon have the answers he needed. WRITER'S NOTE: Lee's obsession with Chad & Ronnie was resolved in later story as it was reveled as it actually wasn't Lee who was obsessed Chad & Ronnie but a malfunctioning robotic double of Lee that was obsessed with them. The 3rd story involving Chrismahannaqwanza which never got finished either but did have an Epilogue oddly enough. Jane Tarzania was having a wonderful dream, Her & Mr. Darcy were having a lovely picnic down by Lake Winchester. The Menu comprised of cucumber sandwiches, assorted pastries, crumpets & a nice pot of Earl Grey tea. They were talking about many a thing, everything from the state of geopolitics & where the U.S. should fit into to who they thought should have won Dancing with the Stars. The only thing that was a bit annoying was this low thumping noise that could be heard every so often. It was nothing to bothersome but they couldn't figure out what it was. Accompanying this low thumping was another low noise, it was a noise that Jane recognized but couldn't quite place. It was a noise she heard everyday. It was.. was.. a car? --------- Jane opened her eyes & was a bit shocked that she didn't wake up in her bed. That is were she fell asleep last night. She was still in what she went to bed in: a grey t-shirt, a pair of drawn string sweatpants (The head of Tweety bird all over them, the heads had a variety of expression which repeated a couple of times all over the pants). On her feet were a pair of white tube socks. She sat up & began to look around. She was traveling down the interstate heading somewhere in a car she didn't recognize. Seated next to her on the bench seat was a shoulder olive drab messenger bag with a faded black hoodie piled on top of it, those items she recognized & seated next to it was someone she knew. The person was looking out the window seeing the world past. She had black hair with a few light blue highlights scattered about. Her attire was comprised, starting from the floor up: a pair of black Chuck Taylor All-Star high tops (They had little white skulls spray painted on to them). On her feet were argyle socks. Her pants were a well worn & ripped in places pair of blue jeans. She had a grey short sleeved T-Shirt on. Under that shirt was a red & black long sleeved shirt. On her wrists were a few too many bracelets & a couple of wrist bands. A few of her fingers had some rings on them. Her black nail polish was cracked & chipped in places. On her lap was a black leather spiral bound book, the cover was devoid of text except for a piece of masking tape in the lower left hand corner that read one word: Front. As Jane's eyes moved up, they were meet by the emerald hued eyes of the person sitting across from her. She smiled & said "Morning, sleepy head." "uh.. hi, Catherine." Jane said, paused & then said. "Where am I?" "Well, your currently in the back seat of a sedan obtained by questionable means heading towards Destiny." "Hey!" came a voice from the front seat. "I rented this car by fair & square." "Oh sure, Mr. No Job." Catherine said as she rolled her eyes. Jane looked up towards the driver seat & there seated was a person but that was questionable given that most of what Jane saw was hair, bright red hair done up in an afro like fashion. She did see an arm & a hand, the arm was clad in yellow fabric. In the the passenger seat she could see the back of a man's head, he had brown hair & was wearing a flannel shirt. Lying on the dashboard was a calico color hamster, it was basking in the sunlight coming through the windshield. "Ronnie?" Jane asks. "Yes?" The Driver replied. "Did you do what I think you did?" "What?" "Did you Kidnap me?" "Well..." Ronnie said as he began to stumble over his words. He wasn't come up with a very good explanation of what has happened while Jane slumbered. Catherine placed a hand on Jane's shoulder & said "Ronnie wanted you to share this with you but you looked so peaceful sleeping we didn't want to wake you so we took you as is. Oh & one side note: when you sleep, you sleep hard. I thought a few times when we were moving you, you'd wake up but nope. You just continued to saw logs." "Ok. But how did you get into my Apartment?" "Ronnie had a key." She replied. "Yeah. Remember you gave me one for use in emergencies when we dated." "Kidnapping me for one of your adventures is not an emergency." "No. But you weren't answering your phone or your door. I though something might of happened to you." "Thank you for your concern but what time were you at my apartment?" There was a few moments of silence. "Well?" "I'm thinking!" Ronnie shot back. More silence. He then said. "About three hours ago." Jane checked the Car's clock, it read 8:15 am. "Of course I wouldn't be answering my phone or the door before six." "Yeah, I guess so. But, we were there for about an hour trying to contact you." "So, you were up before dawn?" "Yeah. With what were going to do: who could sleep?" "I was coming off my shift, the guys were waiting for me in the hallway." Catherine said. Jane gave her a weird look. "Oh, you don't know what I do, do you?" Catherine said with a small laugh. "I thought I told you. I vaguely remember telling you." "No." Jane said a bit puzzled. She also vaguely remembers something like that, too. "I guess I didn't. I work part-time for the City of Goth Haven in the Morgue. I basically get paid to sit on my duff & make sure no one walks off with one of our stiffs without doing all the paperwork for it." Catherine said with a smile. "ok." Jane said, now a little less puzzled but still perplexed. "Plus, the Morgue has great acoustics. I can get a lot of practice on my axe." Catherine said with a giggle. "Do you have a hand in the Autopsy process?" Jane asked. "Nope. Not even a finger, never been asked. Seen a few since the Autopsy people are my same sub-floor. We're in the basement so I guess no one accidently wanders in & sees a guy getting cut open or something. I've have had a few people wander into the Morgue looking for the Bathroom, which is odd since we don't even have one on our floor, I have to go up a floor or two to use one. That kind of sucks since I'm doing the night shift & City Hall is kind of creepy at 2 am." Catherine rambled on a bit. "oh. ok." Jane said. "So, getting back on point: I met up with the guys, we talked. Well, Chad & I talked, Ronnie stood there. We head over to your place, got you after waiting around a bit & have been traveling towards Destiny ever since." "Destiny?" "Yeah. It's this small town down the highway a stretch." Catherine said. "Why are we going there?" "To see Saint Rick Clausen." Ronnie says with some reverence. Jane got that puzzled look on her face again. "Clausen is the central figure of Chrismahannaqwanza." Catherine said. "oh." There was a few moments of the group just riding in silence, then Jane asked "So, is this like visiting a Mall Santa?" Jane has know about this holiday for awhile, at first it was cute but then it got kind of old & still is. Ronnie has never been all that forth coming with how one exactly celebrates the holiday, it seems to be just a random assortment of things borrowed from other holidays & some other stuff throw in. But, then that is Ronnie's typical M.O. in a nutshell. "No. Saint Clausen is so much more then some person in a suit, he's.. he's... a... I don't know. It's hard to describe. How to sum up someone who means so much." Ronnie said & then seemed to drift off. The car also drifted for a few seconds before Chad grabbed the wheel & brought it back to where it need to be. There was more silence. Jane watched the scenery zoom past, she didn't even recognize where she was. Then she wondered if Ronnie even knew where he was going, she had never heard of a town called Destiny. Out of the corner of her eye, Jane saw Catherine open the book she had on her lap. It was a sketchbook. Catherine flipped the pages to about the mid point of the book, pulled a few pencils & an eraser out of her jacket. Then started to sketch some more. Catherine could tell that Jane's eyes had wondered from the world outside to the world inside her sketchbook. She dusted the page off & held up the book to show her. The drawing was a behind 3/4th view portrait of Chad. "wow." Jane said seeing the drawing. "Thanks." she said & flipped back a few pages to another sketch, this one of Jane slumped over in the corner of the car with her eyes closed & mouth hanging open, some drool could been seen hanging out of her mouth. "Umm..." Jane said. She wasn't sure if she liked that drawing so much. It was well done but she looked horrible in it. Then she wondered what she looked like. She was always a mess in the morning. "Wanna look at the rest?" Catherine said as she closed the book & held it out. Jane took the book & looked over the pages. All the drawings were well done & highly detailed. The subject matter ranged from landscapes to portraits to rough sketches & doodles. There were notes in scattered about the pages also. Jane stopped at one of the portraits & pointed to him. "I met your father a days back." "You did?" "Yes. He came into the FMRC & wanted to meet with my Boss." "Why?" "I don't know. I hardly know anything about my workplace beyond what I'm directly involved in." "How did you know he was my dad?" "He introduced himself as Mr. Gillespie. With this drawing & it's caption: it confirms my thoughts." "Why didn't you bring it up earlier?" "I wasn't sure how to." "ok." Catherine said, then paused for a moment looking at the drawing & then continued. "I'm not sure I like the drawing, I drew him from memory. I don't do that a lot, my memory can be... forgive the pun, Sketchy at times." "I think all our memories can be at times. How did you learn to draw like this?" "Well, I've always liked to draw but refined my skills when I majored in drawing in college. Well, I should say as one of my majors." "You had more then one?" Jane said a bit shocked. Her one major almost killed her, so having two is just unthinkable. "I majored in Art History & Drawing with a minor in Criminology & Forensic Science. I know it's an odd combo but my Parents wanted me to have something to fall back on & I've always liked that sort of stuff. I think it comes from reading a few too many Batman comics." Catherine with a laugh. "Well, I hate to break of the Girl Talk but Destiny is just up ahead." Ronnie said as they past a sign that told them Destiny was accessible by the next two exits. ------ The world rushes past the Sedan as it heads down the pavement. There is a smattering of snow covering the ground & the road, not enough to cover it completely but enough that where it's noticeable. The Sedan changes to the outer right lane, the lane that will turn into the off ramp. After it gets off the highway, the car turns to the left & drives up the road a bit. A mile or two later, the car passes a billboard sized sign that reads: We've been expecting you! The sign has seen better days, the paint is faded & chipped in places but it's still readable. "Well, at least they have a sense of humor about it." one of the passengers said out loud. "What?" said the passenger seating next to her. She was lost in here out train of thought. "The sign marking Destiny city limits. I wonder what the sign out of town says?" The first passenger says & then ponders. They are two women, one dressed in pajamas & the other in street clothes. They are Catherine & Jane. They are along for the ride, a ride to visit the central figure in winter holiday known as Chrismahannaqwanza! The Sedan drives through the town. It's nothing all the different from any other small town that dots the country. It has been dressed up in the typical Holiday decorations, but they belong to the more widely excepted overly commercialized religious event at the end of December. As they leave the city center, Jane asks her driver "Where are we going?" "I told you. To visit Saint Rick Clausen!" "Yes. But, didn't you say he lives in Destiny." "No. Catherine did. Saint Rick lives on the outskirts of Destiny, that is where his workshop is." "What does he do there?" Jane asked. "He works." Ronnie replied. Jane didn't ask any further questions since she didn't think she'd get any further useful info. She's learned that you have to know when to stop asking question or you'll end up in a useless loop that gets you no where. "How do you know where the Saint lives?" Catherine asked. "I've been there before!" "How did you find it in the first place?" "My Father took me." Jane's ears perked up. Ronnie's never mentioned his family. Jane's tried to figure out about the Beeslyhuxtoys' but all her attempts have not bared fruit. "Is he a family friend?" "I don't know. Maybe. I haven't seen him in years." Ronnie turns off the paved road & on to a what is a vaguely defined dirt road. The ride got more bumpy. After a jarring journey, the car stopped. Ronnie turned off the car & said "This is the place." Everybody unbuckled themselves & most of them got out. Chad, the man who was riding shotgun was dressed up like he normally was but he had a winter coat added to it, once out of the car he put his Accordion on his back. Ronnie was wearing a big puffy Red & Yellow jacket. Catherine didn't have an special jacket, just her normal greying Black hoodie. Jane rolled down the window & then asked "Does anyone have a spare set of shoes I could borrow?" "Yes." Ronnie said & then went over to the Trunk, unlocked it. He pulled out a pair of shoes & a small plastic bag of clothes. He handed them to Jane. She took them & then looked at the bag, then back at Ronnie. "It's ok. I packed them." Catherine said. "Ok. Could you all look away while I change?" They did. A few minutes later, Jane stepped out of the car dressed up in a pair of jeans & a button down light pink shirt. On her feet were hiking boots. Over the shirt was a windbreaker. "Are we ready?" Ronnie asked. "Yes. Let be off to see the Wizard!" Catherine said with a laugh. "Saint Rick isn't a Wizard, he's a carpenter." Ronnie said missing the joke. The group walked up over to the small wooden building, lights were on inside & smoke was wafting out of the chimney. Once at the door, Ronnie knocks. There is some noise on the other side of the door, then the sound of locks unlocking. The door opens & there's no one there. Then they look down & there is someone there. A man, no more then 4 feet tall. He's wearing a pair of jeans, a tank top, suspenders & a dark green pointed shoes, they curve up at the end. His hair is cut short. In a cranky voice he barks "Yes?" "Hi, Little Guy." Ronnie starts. But before he could continue, Ronnie gets a pointed shoe to a very personal & private place on the Male body. Ronnie grabs that area & falls over. "Don't call me Little!" the man yells. He then turns his attention to the rest of the group. "Well?" After a few look between themselves, Jane says "Yes. Were... uh.. here to meet Clausen." "He know you coming?" "I'm not sure. The man who organized this trip is rolling around in pain on the ground." "ok." The man said. He turns around & screams "HEY RICK! YOU GOT VISITORS!" The Epilogue (of sorts) to this Story! It's was a cold frosty morning in Parrodipolis. The world has woken up to see the city covered in snow, it's a marshmallow world & the world seems at peace. "Why did you get me out of bed?" Jane Tarzania as she entered the apartment shared by Ronald Arnold Gerrimoto Beeslyhuxtoy & Chadwick L. Swiss, more commonly known as Chad & Ronnie. Jane was awaken from her midwinter's slumber by Ronnie. He was staring down at her, he was smiling a bit creepily as he did it. He said he was there to take Jane to the celebration. She reluctantly got dressed, got her stuff together & they were off. There in the living room was Chad & Catherine on the couch. They were watching a televised fireplace, it snapped & crackled just like a real one would. Catherine turned her head, saw Ronnie & Jane: she gave a smile a nod of her head & raised her her mug in greeting. The apartment was almost bare of any decoration to denote the season but then Chad & Ronnie don't celebrate normal holidays like everyone else. They celebrate Chrismahannaqwanza! It's present was visible only by what stood in the corner of the living, in between two windows there was a wood coat rack. It was decorated with a a few strands of red & yellow colored lights, at least a package of saltine crackers on strings, a few pairs of sock struin about. There were other decorations that jane couldn't make out what they were from her vantage point. On the floor, below the decoration were brightly colored presents, none wrapped all that neatly. Jane went to put down her present. It was the one she was asked to buy for Chrismahannaqwanza tradition is that of Secret Clausen. Jane goes & sits down in a chair near the coat rack. Ronnie had left the room. Chad had gotten up from his place on the couch to search for something in his closet. Jane asked "What's that?" as she motioned to the coat rack. "It's the traditional Chrismahannqwanza Holland Daze Bush." Catherine replied matter a factly. "I think Ronnie called it Shirley." "But, it's not a Bush." "It was made from one." Jane was about to continue on the line of thinking but Ronnie interrupted it by coming into the room with a tray. He placed it on the coffee table that was in front of the couch. On it was two mugs of opaque pale yellow liquid & a plate of oddly shaped cookies. The cookies also appeared to be decorated with no sense for design or visual interest. Jane picked up a cookie that could be a Reindeer, a Typewriter or Abraham Lincoln (she wasn't sure which). She took a bite & it tasted like any other sugar cookie. Ronnie took a cookie & a mug, he sat across from Jane. There was some moments of silence until Chad came back from the closet. He had his accordion on & began to play. "Oh! Oh! I know this one." Ronnie said excitedly. He jumped up from his seat & began to sign. Jane wasn't sure what song was, from what he gathered was it had to do with the nutritional value of Pineapples, Chrismahannqwanza, the city of Prague & a fight between Satan & a giant Chicken who spoke french. As he sung he swayed back & forth. As he did, his drink swayed back & forth in his mug. It came out over the vessel a few times. Chad always swayed as he played. Catherine hummed along. The epic song went on from at least ten minutes, that wasn't including the two accordion solos'. After it was over, the Chicken won over Satan & Prague was in ruins, Ronnie plopped down on his chair. He chugged the rest of his drink & slammed the mug down on the coffee table. Chad was now back on the couch with his accordion leaning against the side of the aforementioned piece of furniture. There was more silence. There was a since of unease that permeated the room. It went on from way to long before Ronnie let out a guttural scream as he stood up. It had certainly woken up everyone in the room if not the entire building. Ronnie made his was over to the "Bush", he turned around, faced the crowd & said "It's now time to open presents. But before we do, Jane will you recite the story of the first Chrismahannqwanza?" Jane didn't know that story. She wanted to decline but the look in Ronnie's eye said he was serious that he wanted her to give the story. Jane stumbled over her words for a few moments & began to tell all she knew about the holiday which was very little. "It all started a few years ago in a small shack off the beaten path & a man called Rick Clausen." Jane said. She was going to tell more but Ronnie placed his hand on her shoulder. He began to laugh. "You don't have to go any further. I know you don't know the story. But thanks for trying." Jane let out a sign of relief. Then Ronnie kneeled over & began to pass the presents. Everyone got one. Jane got to open her gift first because she was the closet to the "Bush". She took off the paper, half roll of Scotch tape & a few strips of Duct tape. There in a rectangular box was a black plastic Swingline Stapler. "I bet you don't have one of those?" Ronnie said with pride. He was smiling real big. "Uh... no, I don't." Jane lied. She has one back at her apartment & the FMRC gave her one to use at work. "I thought so. They are very hard to come by." Chad opened his. After tearing off the paper & tape there in the square box with a few sheets of tissue paper was a powder blue Bowling shirt. Stitched right above the pocket was his name. "I was noticing your old one was getting a light worn." Catherine said. Chad gave her a hug. Catherine opened her box & it was a waffle maker which made waffles in the shape of the Batman symbol. "Rock on." was her reply. "I thought you'd like it. I saw it on eBay & thought of you." Jane said with a smile. "Thanks. My old maker is getting kind of of worn out & I was thinking I needed a new one. Thanks, Jane." "Your welcome." It was now down Ronnie, by this time he had sat down in his chair. He opened a small box & inside was a clear plastic bag. "Thanks, Chad. I was getting low on Jellybeans." Ronnie opened the bag & went to feed some to Little Cat. Jane picked up the bag & saw that they were specially made Beans, ones Pets could eat & not die for doing so. Ronnie came back with Little Cat, who was munching away on a green bean. Ronnie sat down, he rested Little Cat on his lap. Again more moments of silence which Ronnie broke by saying "Happy Chrismahannqwanza everyone!" There were nods all around. ----------- THE END! The Chrismahannaqwanza story from last year known as "A Year without Chrismahannaqwanza". It's December 23rd & the city of Goth Haven is blanketed under a 2 to 3 foot sheet of snow. The City wasn't expecting such snowfall so almost all sorts of motorized transportation are at a stand still. It's getting late in the day & a trudging through the snow was a woman. She was dressed, started from the ground up: a pair of blue Chuck Taylor All-Star high tops. On her feet are argyle socks. Her pants are a well worn & ripped in places pair of blue jeans. She wore a greying black Hoodie. The hood was up & her hands were shoved in the jacket's pockets in attempt to keep them warm. Slung over her right shoulder was her olive drag colored messenger bag. She is walking to work, her bus got stalled. It was making it's way down Robinson Ave. but their was a stopped minivan on the side of the road, the bus tried to avoid it, got a little to close to the side of the road & got stuck in the snow. She didn't mind walking the rest, she was only a few blocks for City Hall. Just before she got there, she turned down a side alleyway to a back entrance. She took her hands out of her pockets, the black nail polish was cracked & chipped in places (partly due to the fact she has the habit of chewing her fingernails). She began to fishing around her pockets for something. She wasn't finding it so she then started to check her bag. After searching all but two pockets, she found it: her ID Card. It was also her key card. She swiped it through the card reader, nothing happened. The lock was frozen. She put her card in her jacket pocket & began to blow on the lock trying to warm it up. She also tried to pick off the snow & ice. After a few minutes, she wiped her card again. It lit up one of the two required lights which would signify entry. On a small screen a question appeared. She wiped away the snow & pressed hard on the keypad to type in her answer, the other light lit up & their was the accompanying buzzing noise. She pulled hard on the door to open it & entered the building. She was Catherine Gillespie, night Morgue attendant & just stood there on the landing in that back stairwell. Just taking in the warmness of it all, she had never been so glad that City Hall had back-up generators & central heating. Before he headed on down the stairs, she stamped off some of the snow on her shoes. As she did, she pushed back the hood & shook out her shoulder length sandy blond hair which was pulled back & into two small ponytails, one on each side of the back of her head. She also restituted her pair of black plastic glasses, they had got a bit crooked on the way over. She was early, her shift not scheduled to start for at least 2 hours but she got a call earlier that day from Chuck, one of the day Attendants. City Hall was closing early for the day & he also wanted to leave so he asked if Catherine came in early. She could & wasn't sure when since she was at the whims of public transportation. Catherine goes down the three flights of stairs & opens the door to the 3rd Subfloor, a floor devoted to one thing: Death. Well, actually two things: Death & Storage. On the floor is the Coroner's Office, the Morgue & a few dozen of the building's storage rooms. Catherine has often wonder what was stored there on her floor but her ID Card didn't open those doors. The sound of her shoes make an echoey thump thump sound as she walked down the empty, marble laced hallway. She was also leaving behind vaguely shoe shaped puddles behind her. As she walked down the hallway, her mind wonder around random thoughts. Nothing of all the real consequence. Those thoughts stop as she stops just before Doctor Jones', the Coroner, Office. She takes a deep breath & then walks past. As She does, she looks in the office & then lets out a sigh of relief: he already left. Probably shortly after they said the building was going to be closed. Jones is an ok boss but he always smells weird. It's a mix of workplace odors, a bit too much after shave & the smell of his beloved curry on his breath. He also has a habit of staring at her chest which isn't all his fault since it is at his eye level. But, he could at least be a little less obvious about it. Catherine pushes open the large black plastic doors & enters the Morgue's sparsely furnished waiting room. The beat up old couch, the couple of miss matched leather chair. The coffee table with it's massively out of date magazines laid out a top of it, the sadly looking green ficus which was now wrapped in a few strands of lights & the few posters on the walls which haven't changed sine she started working there. Catherine walked through the second set of double black plastic doors & there on a stool sat Chuck. He was using one of the examining tables as a work surface, he doing some paper work. "I'm here!" she said. Chuck looked up from his paper work & smiled. "Cool." "Yes, it is outside." Catherine said with a smirk & a laugh. Chuck then looked Catherine over & then asked "That's what you wore out in the snow?" "Yeah. So?" "Doing you have any winter gear?" "Yeah. But it's in storage & I didn't think I had time to go get it. Someone wanted to go home early." Catherine said rather pointedly. "Ok. Ok." Chuck conceded. "How is it out there?" "Ok. Not a lot of traffic or people around. Kind of ghost town out there." "I'd ask how driving was but you don't drive." "Well, not legally but there are cars & buses scattered around on the streets. It's almost like the rapture happened." Chuck had to thing about that for a second but then said. "Ok. How's the ice?" "It's there." "You don't know?" "No. But I'd think that it would be what you'd think what with the cold, then warmer temps that start to melt stuff but then freeze once more when the new cold front comes in." There was few brief moments of silence & then Chuck said. "Thanks for coming in early." "Sure, no problem. I wasn't doing anything." Catherine said with a smile. "Well, I didn't want to get stuck here. I've got some last minutes shopping to do, I hope places are still open. Then tomorrow I'm going to my parent's place out in New Jersey." "Where? If you don't mind me asking." "East Walton." "Ok. I have not idea where that is." "Central Jersey. What are you doing for the holiday?" "Not much of anything." "What about Chaz, Charlie, Chet.." Catherine stopped him before he could go on any further. "Chad." "Yeah. What about him & his friend?" "They don't celebrate Christmas." "They Jewish?" "No." "From what I've heard they doing sound black, so Kwanzaa is out." "Yeah. They celebrate a holiday that's a bit of a mix of all 3: Chrismahannaqwanza." "Chrismahanna-wha?" "yeah. It's kind of an obscure holiday." "When is it?" "It changes from year to year. I know it's been anywhere from October till into January." "When is it this year?" "Not sure. I've not been told & I kind of doubt it well happen this year." "Why?" "Well, in talking to Chad & seeing what I've seen from his friend, Ronnie: the holiday just doesn't seem to be a real priority. They don't even have their traditional Holland Daze Bush up yet." "Holland Daze Bush?" Chuck said somewhat confused. "yeah. That is normally up for a few weeks before the celebration." "Is Chrisma..uh.. hanna.. uh..." Catherine interrupts again. "Chrismahannaqwanza." "Yeah that. Is it religious?" "Not from what I've seen. But there I do know there is a group that has folded the holiday into their religious practices." "ok." Chuck said. He looked at his watch, Catherine noticed. "If you have to leave, do so." "Ok. Well, today has been a real slow day. Much has come in, I doubt much will over night." "It's ok. I'm prepared. I got some Nog, a few cookies, my iPod is filled with christmas cheer. Plus, I have this.." Catherine said & then paused to get something from his bag. "I have this!" Catherine said as she pulled out a video tape. "Paul & Amber's Wedding?" Chuck said as he read aloud the tape's label. "Well, yeah. But about an hour & forty five minutes into the tape someone tape over it with one of the best holiday specials ever." "Which is?" "The only aired once, much maligned bootleg copy of Star Wars holiday special! Two hours of pure Gold!" Catherine said with excitement. "Uh.. Ok." "yeah. I bought this copy off of eBay a few years back & pull it out every year to watch. I hear there are now bootleg DVD's of this but I have yet to find one of those." Chuck looks at his watch once more. "If you have to leave: Go. I'll be ok." "Ok." Chuck said. He got his stuff & then headed out. As he left, he wished Catherine a Merry Christmas & she did the same. Once he was out of sight, Catherine went to find the VCR she had seen a few weeks back, she had a movie to watch. Then I wrote a story that told of what happened because Catherine had a copy of the aforementioned Christmas special called "Catherine & The Hit List". It's the morning of December 24th, Catherine was heading home for the day. She trudged her way through the snow. As she did her mind wandered to various topics everything from the status of the local transit system to what members of her family were probably doing at the moment to what was Santa doing at the moment. Catherine rounded the corner of Macgovern onto Litchdenberg, out of the corner of her eye she saw some movement. When she turned to see what it was, nothing was there. She shrugged it off & continued on down the street. A few minutes later, out of the corner of her eye once again she saw some movement. This time she spun around quickly & caught just the last bit of a someone running down an alleyway. As she ran after them, something clicked in her mind, she had seen their boots from somewhere but she didn't have time to think about that now. Catherine got to the alleyway & no one was there. She carefully, slowly crept down the alleyway. She looked all around for signs that someone had been there. All she found were series of footprints in the snow going all sorts of directions so they weren't all that much a help. As Catherine past by a dumpster, out of the corner of her eye a person popped up & grabbed her. Catherine attempted to fight back. But they were much stronger then her. They held a piece of cloth over Catherine's nose & mouth. "Chloroform!" Catherine thought. Just before she felt asleep, Catherine got a good look at her attacker & they were wearing a Storm Trooper suit of armor. -------- Some time later, Catherine woke up. She didn't know how longer she had been out or where she was. But as she looked around the small room, she did know where she was. It was a cell much like the one Princess Leia was in Episode 4. Then Catherine noticed what was dressed in, Leia's slave outfit from Episode 6. She didn't feel all that cold, the cell was quite warm. "What the heck?" was her only thought before the Cell's door whooshed open. Then in the doorway was a man dressed as Darth Vader, behind him were a gaggle of Storm Troopers. The Sith Lord entered the room & said something, what he said muffled by the helmet. "What?" Lord Vader repeated what he had said, it was still muffled by the helmet but sounded a bit more angry this time. "What? I still can hear you." There a sigh from the Sith Lord. He turned to one of the Storm Troopers standing beside him. They nodded then went about removing the helmet & mask. When Lord Vader turned back to Catherine, she was a bit surprised to see was in the suit. "George Lucas?" "Yes. Now tell me the location of the tape?" "What?" "The Tape. I sensed that you are in pocession of a bootleg copy of the Star Wars holiday special." "You sensed it?" "Yes. Through the Force." "The Force is a real thing?" Mr. Lucas sighed. "Yes, it's real. You think I'd make up something like that?" "Well... yeah." Catherine could see that Mr. Lucas was attempting to not to hit her. She then thought he might also be attempting to not use The Force to choke her. "No. Everything in my Documentaries really happened." "They were Documentaries?" Mr. Lucas started to laugh. So did the Storm Troopers but their laughter was muffled by their helmets. When he stopped laughing, so did the Troopers. "Of course they were. They were just marketed as fiction protect your fragile minds." "ok." Catherine said not sure. She has read on the Internet that Lucas was crazy but she just thought was whiney fanboys. "Now tell me the location of the tape or remain here until you do!" He said forcefully. "Why do you want it?" "The Special, as it was called, was made as a joke & was never meant to be released to the general public. I've spent the past 30 years trying to collect every copy." "How's that going?" "Nicely. I almost have every copy. Now release unto me the location of your copy?" "Where are we?" "Your current in the Detention Block at my Ranch in Nicasio, California." "Cool." "Yes, it is. Now release unto me the location of your copy?" "Why should I?" "Do so or face my Rancor!" Mr. Lucas said as shook his right fist in the air. He was then tapped on the shoulder by one of the Storm Troopers. "What is it?" The Trooper whispered something of Lucas' ear. "WHAT?" He screamed. "What?" Catherine asked. "Apparently the last person I sent to the Rancor: killed it & we have yet to get another one. So, release unto me to the location of your copy or face my pack of rabid Ewoks!" He said & then shook his right fist in the air. "How rabid?" "Very." "Do they have use of weapons or not?" "No. It would be just you against the Ewoks." "Do I get weapons?" "No. Just you & the Ewoks." "How many are in a pack?" "It varies. I've sent it as low as five & upwards to fifty or more." "Interesting." Catherine said as she grabbed one of the Storm Troopers pistols & fired. This scattered the group allowing her a clear exit. She ran & as she did a siren went off. "Crap." she said. As she did, Catherine wondered where they had taken her stuff. She was lost in thought & wasn't really looking where she was going so when she reached an intersection she ran into someone. They were dressed up as Chewbacca. "Hey!" They said as picked up their mask & put it back on. "Do you work here?" Catherine asked. She got answer but it was a series of growls & moans. "English!" Catherine said & pointed the gun at them. The guy then took off the mask & said. "Sorry. I don't work here. I'm not even sure how I got here. Last thing I knew was I'm at home watching my copy of Star Wars Christmas special & then the power went out. Before I could do anything about it someone hit me in the back of the head & I woke here, wearing this." "I had a similar story." "But you got the better costume." He said. "Would you like to change?" Catherine said sarcastically. "No. I don't think it could pull it off. You do nicely." "Thanks, I think. We need to get out of here." Catherine said but before any plan could be hatched a group of Storm Troopers came down the corridor firing at them. "Crap." Chewbacca said. "I know." Catherine said & began to fire back as she hid behind one of the poles that lined the corridor. Catherine was one side & Chewbacca was on the other. "What do we do now?" "Not sure." Catherine said as she shot back. Her shots seemed to be hit most of her targets, when their shots are flying everywhere. "What about this?" Chewie asked. There was a hatch besides him. "You want to go down there?" Catherine asked as she fired back a few shots. "Sure." "What if it's a Garbage Shoot? I'm not all up from smelling wet Wookiee." "Me, either. But what choice do we have?" "Ok. You go first. I'll hold them off." Chewbacca goes down as Catherine fires off a few last shots then follows him. At the bottom, Catherine hits the floor with a thud. "Let me help you up." He said as he offered her his hand. She takes it & stands up. "Where are we?" "Storage." He says as he points to a sign behind that says the same thing. "You think out stuff might be here?" "Maybe. Maybe not." "You know what floor we were on? Catherine asked as she started to look around. "I think it was the Alderaan deck." The two of the walk through the seemingly endless room. "Here it is. Alderaan deck. Too bad I don't know what cell I was in." "Where you from?" Chewie asked. "Why?" Catherine wondered. "The bins are labeled." He said as he showed her a bin. On the bin it read "Male, Chicago." "Parrodipolis." They then set about looking for all the bins that said they were from there, only one was for a woman from there. Catherine opened it & there were her clothes, her shoes & her bag. She opened it & there inside was everything, including why she had been brought there. "So, where are you from?" "Topeka. But we don't need to look for a bin." "Why?" "I was only wearing my underwear when they got me." "Ok." Catherine said. She was feeling that was a bit too much information. She tossed him the gun & said "I'm going to go change, if any Troopers show up..." "Shoot them." "No. Maybe just wing them." Catherine said with a sly smile then went for find a secluded spot to change. Before she could, out of the corner of her eye a person popped up & grabbed her. Catherine attempted to fight back. But they were much stronger then her. They held a piece of cloth over Catherine's nose & mouth. "Not again" Catherine thought. Just before she felt asleep, Catherine got a good look at her attacker & they were wearing a Storm Trooper suit of armor. ----------- Sometime later, Catherine woke in her bed at home, she was dressed in her average clothes. "What the heck?" She thought. Catherine got out bed & wondered if it was all a dream until she found on her couch in the living room a storage bin with a Leia slave outfit in it. That is all I've written. This year really is the year without a Chrismahannaqwanza since I didn't write anything for it. Merry Christmas everybody. | ||||
