Since I've already made embarrassing confessions about my adolescent crush on Renet, the time-traveling Valley girl from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I figured that I might as well subject you all to her first appearance, in Eastman & Laird's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (vol. 1) #8, which also marked the series' crossover with Dave Sim's Cerebus.

No, really:



You know you want to read the rest of this.



And this is the audience's introduction to Renet and her ginormous rack.

Visually, what stands out about her - beyond her Power Girl cleavage - is her New Gods ensemble. For as obvious as it was that Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird were parodying Frank Miller, what doesn't get remarked upon nearly as often is how much they were channeling Jack Kirby, and Renet's Fourth World fashion design is just one example of this theme.

As far as Renet's personality is concerned, we see that she's anxious and pensive, but working up the nerve to take a chance, which she expects will require her to lie her ass off to a cosmically powerful authority figure.

Those who know me shouldn't be surprised that I couldn't help feeling fond of her from the first.



BUSTED (pun intended).

So, she's built like a brick shithouse, and the core concept of her character motivation is basically the same as the Doctor's, when he took a spare TARDIS for an extended joyride and forced the Time Lords back on Gallifrey to play Ed Rooney to his Ferris Bueller for the next several centuries or so.

Two pages into her first appearance, and my initial affection for Renet had already grown into full-on adoration.



"-- 1986!"

One vital distinction between Renet and the Doctor emerges on this page, which is that she's not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.

Also? Get used to Renet getting caught on her cape - as in, a LOT - since Eastman and Laird's views on that aspect of superhero attire seem to be simpatico with Brad Bird's in The Incredibles.

Meanwhile, in 1986 New York, Leonardo wants everyone on the roof of April's building for exercise, so Michelangelo wakes up Raphael by pouring a pitcher of water over his head. On the roof, Raph gets his revenge, in characteristically overkill fashion, by turning a fire hose on Mikey and the other Turtles. After he's finished laughing about it, they all spot some strange lights in the sky, and then ...



Even in black and white, that is a truly spectacular entrance.

By which I mean, RENET'S JIGGLING CLOCKS SURE ARE MAKING ME WANT TO "SPRING FORWARD," IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.



Askew goofy Kirby hat is adorkable.

Also? Bottom left panel. DAT ASS.

The Turtles' wide-eyed reactions in the bottom right panel remind me that they are indeed teenagers. I originally wondered why they'd be gawking so hard at Renet, since they share living space with certified babe April O'Neil, until I remembered that April isn't in the habit of wearing blue scale-mail panties and letting her big, round clocks hang out in front of them.



"Yeah, special!" Oh, Raph ... I never wanted to see your Rape Face.

Points to Renet for asking the obvious question. It might seem simple enough, but it automatically puts her head and shoulders above a majority of the characters in the Turtles' '80s cartoon.

And, oh God, how cute is her enthusiasm? It's even more endearing in retrospect, now that the 1980s really are the historic past, instead of the contemporary present that they were when this was actually written. It's bittersweet for a child of the '80s like me to see Renet rattling off some of the catchphrases and cliches so stereotypically associated with that decade, knowing that, unlike her, I don't have the benefit of time travel, to experience that decade directly again.

And if you didn't know before that Eastman and Laird are from Massachusetts, Renet's "Ooh, wicked cool!" should have tipped you off by now.



Foiled by her own cape yet again, albeit this time in a pose that would have passed muster (and then some) for the aerobics class gals in Eric Prydz's "Call On Me" video. We might as well start a running count for this gag.



Admit it; in that top panel, if you were the Turtles, you'd be White Knighting her just as hard.

And, oh God, her FACE in those bottom right panels ... the panicked fear of her expression just makes me want to hug her and give her a warm blanket to curl up in.



"Hey, Peter! Have you ever seen the movie Time Bandits?"
"No, Kevin, I have not. Have you?"
"No, I have not."
"Why do you ask?"
"Oh, no reason."

Lord Simultaneous' Word of God command to Renet trailing off into that little "Oh, damn!" at the end still makes me smile.

Also? Once again, DAT ASS.

Stay tuned to this channel, true believers, because I should be cross-posting the rest of this exciting adventure on both my own blog and here soon.