Made the mistake of watching Dracula 2000 all the way through Friday night. Thank you, AMC! Was disappointed that Dracula never said, "THIS! IS! TRANSYLVANIA!!!" WOW, Gerard Butler has been in a LOT of shitty films. And yet, I kept watching. After all, where else am I going to see Seven of Nine and Vitamin C playing slutty bisexual vampires HA HA HA I edited that because ALL female vampires are slutty and bisexual. No, really; prove me wrong. And I was about to say that modern male vampires don't have it much better, except then I realized that only HALF of modern male vampires are slutty and/or bisexual, whereas the rest are aggressively masculine hetero-dogs who turn all WOMEN into slutty bisexuals, even before those women are turned into vampires themselves, so yay for the vampire genre and/or subgenre perpetuating offensive gender stereotyping, and possibly racial stereotyping as well, if you spend WAY too much time reading offensive subtext into black vampire men seducing white human women away from us with their enormous penises fangs -

Oh holy shit brainstorm, Elisabeth Sladen and Catherine Tate need to play vampires, either in-character as Sarah Jane Smith and Donna Noble, or not, but preferably in-character, so that we can see Sarah Jane and Donna as slutty bisexuals with fangs and skimpy no clothing. British accents + slutty bisexuality + fangs + nudity = already awesome on its own, even before you add cougars and MILFs into the equation, and yet, the number of British female vampires has been in an uncomfortably sharp decline ever since Joanna Lumley apparently decided she was too good to appear in what amounted to soft-core lesbo porn scenes in the classic Lee-and-Cushing era of horror films, whereas the number of cougar and MILF vampires is practically non-existent. I mean, I remember the dude from Herman's Head getting macked on by Julie Carmen in Fright Night II, and a pre-In Living Color Jim Carrey rejecting an attempted seduction by Lauren Hutton(!!!) in Once Bitten, but where else is the LOVE for older and/or more mature women in the vampire genre and/or subgenre? Okay, yeah, Catherine Deneuve in The Hunger, too, but that film is so much Liquid Win on any number of levels that it can barely be counted as an example of ANYTHING (I mean, having both Susan Sarandon's tits AND David Bowie in the same movie should technically be impossible in this plane of existence).

Hey, you know who else should play a vampire? Is Stephanie Courtney. Of course you don't know her name, because I didn't even know her name until I looked it up, but she's the chick who plays awkwardly perky saleslady "Flo" in the Progressive Insurance TV commercials. Not only does she have perfectly OMG HAWT GAWTH black hair, blue eyes and pale skin, plus a large, luscious, expressive mouth that already looks like HOLY FUCKING SEX with red lipstick, even before you add fangs ...



... But she also has the ability, as demonstrated in those Progressive commercials, to play a HUGE ADORABLE DORK, and if there's something ELSE we need more of, it's female vampires who are NERDS. Think about it; if Dracula unleashed an army of undead slutty bisexual cougars and MILFs who wanted to bitch about superhero comics, watch sci-fi and fantasy TV shows and movies, and play MMORPGs, he'd pretty much have every high school and Internet cafe in America conquered between the dusk and dawn of a single night. It'd take even less time than that if the female vampires in question were also camwhores who listed their ages as 15 in their profiles.

But I digress, even in the midst of my digressions, because my point, or one of them, was that Sarah Jane and Donna need to be vampires who try to rape the Tenth Doctor, like the Quymn sisters, Nancy and Drew, nearly succeeded in doing to Dean Venture, and HOLY FUCKING BALLS, in Season 3 of The Venture Bros. so far, Dean has won the awestruck admiration of Triana Orpheus, the love of his life, and has almost been raped by identical blonde teen twins, which means that Dean Venture is officially THE MOTHERFUCKING MAN, and is therefore automatically inducted into THE MOTHERFUCKING MAN club, whose other members include Gaius I Have Three-Ways With Cylons Baltar and, once again, the Tenth Doctor, a.k.a. Theta Sigma Lungbarrow MILF Hunter.

And this is what happens when I turn off my brain and let my penis do the writing for me.