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| Tales of the Parodyverse >> View Post |
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“Interview with a Gnome†Starring: Indiana Gnome & The Gargoyle of DOOM By Joseph T. Gould "So... You just gonna sit there an drink away my money... or are ya gonna give me the story you promised on this weirdo roamin the streets of Chicago?" the journalist asked a young looking man in the corner of a dark bar. He doesn't know it, but in front of him is a story all its own. Although he looks young, this man before him is nearly four millennia old. He is a gnome... one of the faerie folk that have almost all departed what's left of this planet. Why he stayed... well... it's what friends do for each other. Indiana Gnome has walked this earth for nearly four millennia. Driven by friendship and protected by immortality given him by Zeus himself (before he headed off to more believing worlds), Indiana is more or less along for the ride. But... he is tired of the papers reporting the falseness of his friend's actions and making him out to be some sort of vigilante. Gulping down the pint in front of him like a man just out of the dessert, he looks at the reporter and grins. "Jack was it?" he asks wiping his chin. The reporter nods and turns on a tape recorder, placing it on the table. "Well, Jack... So you want to know about this vigilante... huh? I'll have you know that he's not your ordinary run of the mill 'weirdo' as your paper seems to have termed him." "What is he then? Some sort of science experiment that escaped? How about another alien force bent on ridding the earth of twisted psychos?" "Will you shut up and let me tell my story! After all... that's what we gnomes do best!" Indiana says, pulling off his dirty brown fedora. He pulls his long, light brown hair back to reveal his ears to Jack's disbelief. Dropping his hair back over his ears, he just grins. "But... You can't be... I mean...That can't be real..." Jack stammered, his voice quivering. "You're supposed to be..." "...In faerie tales?" Indiana's grin broadened as the reporter leaned back, jaw hanging. "You see... we're more real than you humans think. Sadly to say... there are so few of us around these days..." "Is that because people quit believing in you?" Jack asked in a whisper, leaning over the table. "HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HOOOOIEEEEE!" Indiana laughed so hard he fell out of his chair, almost knocking over the table, and getting the whole bar's attention. Jack on the other hand didn't find the humor in what he'd said. Seeing Jack's embarrassment, this wild gnome gets up off of the floor and sits back in his chair. "Sorry Jack..." he says, trying not to smile, "...but that was the funniest thing I'd heard in such a long time that I couldn't hold that back!" "Are you finished makin' a fool outta me? Now tell me about this man... or whatever..." "Okay... Okay...." Indiana slugs down another pint and wipes his chin. "As I said... I'm a gnome. I have lived for a lot longer than your civilization has been around, but enough about me. I'm here to tell ya about my friend... Gunthar. "Ya see... Gunthar was a chief warrior in his village of Nozanpoot. It is a village long forgotten by time, but remembered by just two: Gunthar and myself. "The village lay in a valley, not far from where you call Bristol, England is today. Back then, it was fertile and full of game. His village was next to a stream that ran past their lands and into the great sea. Every year, at the end of harvest time, a festival was held that would last for days. It was to celebrate their crops and bring in the locals for trade. "Gunthar's wife, Mishataal, was due with child. This was to be his first born, and so the festival would serve as a celebration of life as well as the harvest. Yet, Mishataal sensed complications and sent her husband to a nearby mountain to get some special herbs to help with the birth..." "I don't see what all of this has to do with a vigilante, Indiana..." "Without roots, a tree cannot grow..." Jack's expression changed to confusion, so Indiana clarified what he meant. "Every story has it's beginning... This is Gunthar's beginning.... "To make this trip... would mean that he would miss the first day of the festival. That did not stop him from going. He cared more for his wife's comfort than he did for the festival though. So, Gunthar kissed his precious Mishataal goodbye and began his quest. "Meanwhile, on a mountain overlooking this valley, there was a wizard who'd made his home there. He despised everything good, and he especially hated the harvest festival. After his third year of hearing their cheers and laughter echo up the valley to his dark home, Varnol the Vicious decided that the fourth year would be their last. And so... he launched his plot that evening. "He brought the statues on his keep to life. They became gargoyles... unable to be killed by man alone. With Gunthar gone, it was more of a slaughter than a fight. The whole village was destroyed in less than an hour and not one person was left alive. "To insure that no one would rebuild in that valley, Varnol left one gargoyle in the center of town as sentinel, to destroy any person who dared to come near. He was the strongest of all the gargoyles he created. It would take the power of 10 men to destroy it. "The second day of what was supposed to be the festival, Gunthar came running home. He knew something was wrong when he couldn't hear the familiar laughs coming up the valley to warm his journey home. He wasn't prepared for what he saw next. "As he rounded the bend in the road, where the grotto opened into his village, Gunthar's worst fears were confirmed. Varnol had left the bodies where they were. Gunthar's heart pounded through his chest as he thought of his poor Mishataal. "He ran to his cottage to see the roof caved in. Clearing debris from the door, he managed to get in. There, in her bed where he had left her, was Mishataal. She was miraculously alive, but she was slipping fast. "Gunthar rushed to her side. A beam had pinned her in bed and took almost all the breath from her. She whispered to her husband one word and died..." By this time, the whole bar was sitting around their table. After all... gnomes always tell the best stories... Someone piped in as Indiana held a moment in suspense. "What'd she say?" The whole crowd was eager to know as well. "She said, 'Gargoyles'... "Gunthar mourned her loss. He pried the beam off of her and gave her a decent burial. He took a rag that was soaked in her blood and wiped it on his blade, swearing on the life of Mishataal that he would not rest until he had destroyed every living gargoyle in the land. He lit a fire and gathered all of the weapons he could carry. "Nightfall came, and with it, the gargoyle came to life as well. It must have heard Gunthar's crying over his lost Mishataal, because it came straight to him. Gunthar turned to see a hideous monster statue behind him. It had froze in its tracks, but Gunthar was more wise than to believe it'd been there all along. "When the gargoyle saw him lunging at it, its stone skin turned to a softer and more grotesque color as it animated and dodged his attack. It swung around behind him, but Gunthar was three steps ahead of the beast! He swung his sword with all his might as he spun around to face the beast. "The gargoyle's flesh turned to a denser stone looking color, but it could not stop the blade which had been dedicated to the destruction of all gargoyles. With one swing, he clove the beast in two. It fell to the ground and crumbled away..." "So what... Gunthar is somehow still alive killing crooks now that there are no more gargoyles?" Jack interrupted. "I never said there were no more gargoyles.... And yeah... it is Gunthar out there... "You see... Gunthar wandered the country after that, following tales of gargoyle lairs and such, destroying all he came in contact with. This would obviously attract the curiosity of any gnome, but to me, he was a legend. I sought him out, and since then we've been inseparable.... Okay, so there was one time he wanted to kill me, but we won’t get into that... "We took up a quest to find the Medusa Staff. It was a legendary staff that could make gargoyles out of stone or even people! We were going to get a big reward for retrieving it, but I could tell that all Gunthar had in mind was destroying it. "A fierce battle was waged, and we barely made it out alive. Surprisingly, we got the staff. But... the owner of the staff, no other than Varnol himself, came to get it back. He'd managed to free himself, and he came up on us riding a baby dragon. "Gunthar fought the dragon, some elf friends that were with us fought Varnol, and I hid the staff. When I finished, I returned to find my elf friends frozen, Gunthar was looking dead underneath the baby dragon. The two had killed each other. I ran over to him, then remembered I hadn't seen Varnol. "A sudden shiver went down my spine as I turned around. There was the wizard, smiling a wicked smile. 'At last' he said, 'I've rid myself of that fool!' He and I circled 'til he had his back to Gunthar. Then he asked me for the staff. I responded by hitting him with my whip. "He didn't like that, and he grabbed my whip when I went for a second hit... I'd never seen anyone move that fast before... So, I pulled out my magic missile pistol... something another wizard made especially for me... "I hit him with it once, knocking him back a few feet, almost on top of Gunthar's body. He got back up and he was definitely not happy. 'I'll rip you to shreds like the gargoyles did to your friend's village...' "Those were his last words... You see, Gunthar had gathered enough strength to kill that evil wizard. Saving my life was the last act of his mortal frame..." "Wait a minute!!" Jack interrupted. "Gunthar died?! You just said he's here in Chicago!" "Will you let me finish my story?!!" A big man put his hand on Jack's shoulder. His hand was so big, it covered it completely. "Let the little man tell his story..." this large fellow insisted. Gulping, Jack waved him on. ".... As I was saying.... "That was the last act of his mortal frame... "I went and found the wizard that had sent us for the staff. I insisted he bring my friends back to life, but he said the best he could do was something called 'reincarnation. Of course... I made him cast his spell. "Well... The elves came back as dwarves and gnomes... but old Gunthar came back a little taller... a little more monster looking, and made of stone... "Gunthar was brought back as the one thing that he despised. It nearly drove him crazy... Lucky for him, I was there to talk some sense into that thick brain of his before he did something stupid, like kill himself with his own sword... "It turned out that he was only half gargoyle though. He has wings that when he relaxes them look and move like a cloak. He can also stand still for months... maybe even years at a time... Oh... And the one weapon that could kill him... his own sword... he threw it into a volcano. "With crime going as it is these days, he and I decided to try and help out this old city. So... here we are...." "The whole bar laughed and several said they almost believed it. Jack turned off his tape recorder and leaned back in his chair. "So you expect me to believe that a gnome and a half gargoyle are teamed up to rid the city of crime?" "Believe what you want... I live with the truth.." Indiana got up from his seat and walked out of the bar. Jack wasn't finished with him yet, so he paid the tab and ran out to talk some more. Through the rainy night, Jack saw Indiana walk past a statue, then dropped his jaw in amazement as the statue turned and followed him down the street..... | |||
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