Good start, in media res, getting us right into the head of the main character

    


Nice pan out, very cinematic. We start in her head and we pull outwards from there. Now we're surveying the whole scene.

    


Good use of active descriptors ("wail") and linking action descriptions back to personal perceptions. Sophisticated techique.

    


"The two broke her down" is probably the first bit of prose I've enountered that might need smoothing out.

    


Strong choice to keep this from Keiko's POV. I think the two paragraphs above need a little unpacking, perhaps with a bit of dialogue to leaven the description. Dragging Keiko in and her meeting another cast member needs to occupy the reader's attention for just a bit longer, so they're ready for the next bit.

Also, since we're in Keiko's head we could learn a bit more about her personality by flitting through her judgements and conclusions at this point. She had a unique way of analysing and here's an early place to showcase that. Don't be afraid to italicise her internal dialogue as you did in the opening sentences. If we see her thinking strong then that's more personal and immediate than the narrator noting that's what she thought.

    


Felt there was a bit of reaction missing here about the Marshal asking how she came to be there. Perhaps just an exchange about "Ask her when she's able to answer about..." to explain why nobody wants to make a deal about her train-jumping now, even the Marshal who might reasonably be expected to do that as his job.

    


Don't switch to Micheal's head for one sentence. Either convert it to Keiko recognising that he sensed that, or switch at this point to his POV to let us see her from the outside, maybe with a scene break to emphasise the shift.




Have we established Keiko's name before this? if not we need an introduction.




At this point, Michael the Marshal's reaction differed from my expectations of what he might logically do. My thoughts were:

1. Is this story set in a world where the goverment is known to use assassins? If not he takes this strange young woman's word very easily without question or proof.

2. Michael doesn't ask a bunch of questions that I (as the typical reader) might have asked, like "Why woukd the government send assassins after you?" "How did you survive them?" and "Are you kidding? Are you concussed?" A Marshal's logical thought might be "What bad thing did she do to merit that kind of response?"

3. Why does Michael immediately assume in the next sentence that these assasins will go after the whole train, as Keiko asserts in her next line after that? I felt that revelation, the next threat point, needed more work to set it up right.

On a different point, from here the POV gradually shifts to Michael. You might want to make that a definite move, because now we're in his head drawing impressions about Keiko. She's the stranger we're discovering now.




The paragraph above feels too quick and easy, and "After taking a minute or so..." isn't the strongest way of putting it.

You could really unpack this moment to offer some worldbuilding context. What has Micheal heard/suspected about such agencies? How do assassins fit into the setting? What's the process behind Michael's chill and how does it lead his thinking to his question? Here's a chance to show us how Michael's head works and build up some respect for his skills too.

    


Keiko POV again. Some signifier of the change would help the reader. Section break?

    


Sorry, but time's caught up with me re commenting in detail. I'm sure I've made the points I'd want to feed back anyhow.

In general: I can tell this has gone through revisions, which have refined it well. The story has a stong opening and it introduces its principles well. It left me wanting to know more about Keiko's world (not so much about Michael's yet).

There's a bit of a POV blur, which you might attend to on another draft, but where you do get into the characters' heads it works well. More would be even better. That includes the internal monologues that convey impressions and background information. That's something of a signature of your best writing and you shouldn't be afraid to build on it.

You do good "widescreen" description shots and again, a few more establishing images placing the dialogue characters in context with enviroment will only enhance that movie-gloss feel that your World Class work always has.

My only concern is how trusting Michael and Keiko instantly are of each other. It doesn't neccessarily feel earned. Maybe if you lampshade that by having them note internally that each seems to implicitly believe and trust the other it becomes a plot and character point rather than a potential immersion-breaker.

I encourage you to continue working on this.