Previous Post Quote: In checking a back-reference I was surprised to find that there wasn't a compilation page for Dancer's longest and best "serious" story from 2005. Consider this the 10th anniversary re-release. I used to host the archive page for Far Away, but when I switched from dial-up to Broadband my website was erased (the broadband service, oddly, did not include a web site allowance). Still, I have the old backups (with the original stories), and dug out the three increasingly irrelevant side stories I wrote - I'll post them as followups to this...

A Bad Day at the Office: Yet Another Far Away tie-in

Originally posted on Tales of the Parodyverse.

Characters in this story are owned either by myself, or other posters on the Board.

---

Little things still dogged the operation.

Take General Steppenstoat, for example. Flanked by his Ermines of Destruction, he bestrode the badlands like a rather aged colossus. Metahumans and humans alike fell to his forces and were gathered up for processing.

To be fair, initially he did very well. The humans were disorganised and disorientated, and were easily herded like the sheep they resembled. The metahumans, who would normally be a severe problem, were prevented from using their abilities because of the Amnesia Serum. It is hard to use an ability that you don't remember you have.

As the days passed, however, the playing field changed. The ones who managed to evade capture in turn became harder to catch. Some of them started to band together, pooling resources and making life as difficult as possible for the collection teams. There were even rumours that some of the invincible battle tanks had damaged or destroyed.

Steppenstoat was keeping quiet about the one he had found covered in slime with its main turret torn off. Mercifully - and this was not a word he often used - there had been no sign of its occupants. Morale among the troops was starting to become a little...fragile.

Then another report came in. A nearby battle tank had been damaged and was retreating from combat. This warranted investigation. And punishment, of course.

* * *

Steppenstoat has to admit that the tank looked a mess. The heavy armour was severely gashed and holed, one of the hatches had sliced open, and the internals were...chewed up a little. The sole surviving trooper stood at attention next to the tank. He looked badly bitten and shaken, but otherwise unharmed.

"Report."

"Sir. We were engaged in a standard sweep for survivors when we encountered a hidden group of immature humans. We moved in as per standing orders to collect them for Granny Grimness' Obedience Academy when a human adult interfered."

"Metahuman?"

"Negative, Sir. The scanners indicated a mature human female. Visual indicated that she was armed with a straight, thin double-edged bladed weapon with an ornate handle. She engaged the tank and managed to cause heavy damage before we shook her off."

"That sort of damage with a simple blade? Don't be foolish. That's impossible."

"She obviously didn't think so, Sir."

Steppenstoat sighed. "What happened to the rest of your squad?"

The trooper hesitated. The first part of the story had been hard enough to explain.

"Well, sir. The immature humans were playing with some small, purple furry creatures. She somehow ordered them to attack. They hopped through the holes cut in the tank and...". The trooper shuddered at the memory, unable to continue his tale.

"Very well. Remain here. I will investigate this matter and determine your fate later."

* * *

He led his stoats to the place indicated. The building sheltering the humans was fairly easy to find - a mere shell with two lines on a broken sign reading "t Jud" "phan".

He kicked down the door - what remained of it - and went in. The roof and much of the internal ceiling had collapsed. The few parts of the building that had not collapsed had been roughly (but effectively) buttressed, making a few sheltered living areas. These areas had been partly blocked off with cloth.

Ever one for the straightforward approach, Steppenstoat issued a challenge. "Come on out and face me, female, before I offer up your children to my mighty Ermines of Destruction. Come and face Steppenstoat".

The response was not long in coming. A figure leapt on to one of the broken walls, the sun at its back. The silhouetted figure - Steppenstoat could have sworn that it was actually male - drew its rapier. "Bunniary is thinking that uncute Steppenstoat should leave! Otherwise Bunniary will be defending cute children with Bunniary's rapier and Bunniary's cute fluffy bunnies!"

For one of the very few times in his life, Steppenstoat felt the cold fingers of fear clutch at what remained of his heart. That speech pattern... That rapier... Those... bunnies.

He did the only sensible thing he could under the circumstances. He fled.

* * *

"Sir?"

"Engage self-destruct on the battle tank, then report to Lord Torkamahda for debriefing."

"Yes Sir! Thank you Sir!" responded the trooper, relieved that he was only going to be horribly tortured by an expert in the field. That, he felt, he could cope with.

Steppenstoat watched as the self-destruct engaged, wiping the tank and the trooper off the face of the planet. As if he was going to let news of this get back to Torkamahda. Now he was going to go back to base, find his desk and stay there for the rest of the operation.

* * *

Lord Torkamahda, Minister of Torment, was not a happy person. First of all, a human brain he that he had high hopes of adding to the Brains Trust turned out to be something of a lemon. Then there was Splendiferous Stuart, currently enjoying orchestrating the downfall of some attractive female metahuman - not so much for the "downfall" part as the "Splendiferous Stuart enjoying it" part. Then reports started coming in about... difficulties... with the captured humans.

Now, to cap it all, General Steppenstoat had decided to park himself behind his desk rather than going out to reap the harvest from their latest snatch operation. Granted that there were some interesting rumours about a sudden change in uniform, but the man was underfoot none-the-less.

Torkamahda sighed - an unusual event in itself - and applied himself to the report he was writing.

Subject ID: #98375634758776

Subjects Assumed Name: Oatcake

Description:

Male humanoid, Height – 4' 11", Weight 230lbs, suffering from severe kyphosis, the effect of which appears to have been exaggerated by some form of padding with a form of short synthetic item of clothing similar to the ones worn on the subjects feet.

Tortures applied:

At this point Torkamahda sighed again. It was not as if he hadn't tried.

He had started with whips, only to be thanked because of... well, something about contract breach.

The subject had then been stretched on a rack, at which point he had started offering advice on technique.

Finally, after being subject to just about everything in the chamber (which were either too big, too small or tickled) the wretched creature was dumped in an Ion Maiden for an hour on full power.

It had requested another hour.

It wasn't fair! How was he supposed to maintain his position as the premiere sadist and torturer of his age if the victims refused to co-operate.

At that point, the building shook. A few seconds later an underling threw in a report about a disturbance in the blister pits and ran for its life.

Torkamahda threw the report into the disintegrater and stalked out of the room. Anything was better than trying to write up this particular case. Even going down to the blister pits.

Once he had left the room, a dusky, white-robed maiden slipped out of the shadows and dragged the protesting Oatcake out of the Ion Maiden. After all, he had a job to do.

It should be noted in passing that later on, when Torkamahda discovered this, he was even less happy. Even worse that writing reports would be trying to explain how he had lost a prisoner.

---

Footnotes:

Bunniary is the name FleaBot suggested for the purple Thought Bunny that Visionary created as a Christmas present for Yo in A Parodyverse Christmas. Since Yo can be or do anything that Yo thinks (S)he can, imagine how powerful a Thought Being is going to be if it cannot remember of the things that limit it.

General Steppenstoat has met Yo before, during the Follies of Youth crossover, specifically Follies of Youth/Killer Shrike Tie-Ins 1 to 4:

• "The Girl from Earth 616"
  
• "You and Me Against the Fourth World"
  
• "Smells like Teen Spirit… and Giant Carnivorous Mammals"
  
• "The Part With the Surprise Guest Stars"

Flapjack is known to (ahem) enhance parts of his anatomy with socks, as detailed in Follies of Youth #23: Flapjack's Folly. His vital statistics are taken from his CV, which also mentions a "regular damn good flaying" as part of his remuneration package.

---