While You Were Out


When he left, he’d made sure to lock the door. Now it was slightly ajar. That could mean someone had been there in his absence. When you’ve spent a while in the hero business, he thought with some satisfaction, you begin to develop an instinct for that sort of thing. Shifting his grip on the grocery bags, he listened at the gap: muffled conversation. That could mean someone was still inside.

Visionary pushed the door open with his toe and peered into the hallway. “Jay,” he said. “This is a surprise. Everything okay?”

“Fine,” said Hatman stiffly, “everything’s fine”. He gripped Visionary by the elbow and marched him into the kitchen. CrazySugarFreakBoy! was crouching on the breakfast bar, scribbling on post-it notes and chugging Mountain Dew from a bottle the size of a fire hydrant.

“V-Man!” roared CSFB! between gulps.

“Yes, here he is,” said Hatman. “And Vizh is really keen to hear your plan, okay? So you tell him all about it after you finish your soda.” Hatman turned his back on the wired wonder. “Sorry for landing him on you,” he told Visionary in a strained whisper. “I know you don’t get much time to yourself these days. I just didn’t want the rest of the team to see him like this.”

“Like what?” said Visionary.

“We were downtown. Breaking up a fight between gamma-powered publishing executives. Order was restored, but Dream got bitten by a radioactive brand-extension consultant. By the time we got back to the Mansion he was manic, babbling, incoherent.”

“And when did you suspect something was wrong?”

A euphoric belch signalled that CSFB! was out of soda and ready to babble anew.

“You’d better keep this,” said Hatman. He pressed something small and metallic into Visionary’s palm; the possibly-fake man dropped it into his trenchcoat pocket. “I have to go. Al B. says he’s got some kind of antidote. I’ll be as quick as I can. Just keep him talking, okay?”

That wasn’t normally a challenge. Jay gave CrazySugarFreakBoy! two-thumbs-up before slapping on a Houston Rockets cap and blasting out through the open window. CSFB! flattened himself over the bright yellow post-it notes that threatened to scatter in Hatman’s wake. When he straightened up, about fifty stayed stuck to his chest and face.

“So,” said Visionary warily. “Looks like you’ve been busy, huh?”

“Yep yep yep,” chattered CSFB!. He watched, mystified, as Vizh unpacked his groceries and began loading up the refrigerator with knobbly Caphan vegetables from the off-world deli on Stern Street. Magweed had declared she was cooking tonight, and had presented her father with a very comprehensive shopping list. “Busy busy busy. Yeah. So I told everybody how we’re permanently disbanding the Lair Legion, and the - ”

From behind the refrigerator door came a sharp crack. Visionary emerged clutching the back of his head and a fistful of q’uaa grass. “You’re what? Why? And who’s everybody?”

“You know, everybody! So I maybe haven’t told them personally,” he clarified, “but Jay said he’ll pass it on. Guess I dropped my Walkie-Talkie Wrist Radio in the melee, or I could have just…”

“Riiight,” said Visionary, hand moving to his pocket. “Dropped it. Dang.”

“But you remember we were talking about expanding the Legion again?”

“I remember you were talking about it. Until you decided a standing roster of forty-seven people would be unworkable. Then you said stability should be our watchword.”

“Yeah, but I changed my mind. A bunch of times… and the only way forward is to start all over again. I’ve got the whole thing worked out, look.” He peeled a post-it from one lens of his goggles and waved it under Visionary’s nose. “So first we announce we’re disbanding the Lair Legion forever, and then we wait a couple days, and then we launch the New Lair Legion.”

Vizh took the note between finger and thumb, moving it back and forth until the jittery scrawl became vaguely legible. The word NEW was underlined seven times. “So this is the roster, is it? Okay... yes... good… fine... interesting... wait, him? And who’s this guy EveryMan?”

“That’s you in disguise,” said CrazySugarFreakBoy!. “I’ll explain nearer the time. But one week later we launch Lair Legion Cosmic. Have a look.”

Vizh closed the refrigerator, then pulled up a stool to sit by the breakfast bar. “She’ll be leader? Good. That’s quite a line-up. But, you know, I’m not sure I’ll have time to be in both of these teams.”

“Sure you will. On your breaks from Secret Lair Legion.”

“Of course. And who else is on that?”

“I can’t tell you. But the week after that we start Lair Legion Europe, Lair Legion Coast-to-Coast, and after huge public outcry we relaunch Lair Legion Classic like nothing ever happened… and then it’s Junior Lair Legion, you’ll want to see that.” He passed over a whole fistful of crumpled notes.

“Kid Tinnitus,” read Visionary. “Bearface. Glue Monitor. Ubiquity. Tonguebath?” He flipped ahead. “The Elocutioner, Guava Lass, Captain Honduras... Lot of names here, Dream. How many juniors are we talking about?”

“Oh man, there’s like a gadillion of them, it’s hopeless. But I’m sure you’ll knock ’em into shape. What’s next? Oh, here.”

Visionary peered close. “Lair Legion dull thud,” he read. “So is that all clones, or - ”

“Duluth,” corrected CSFB!. “Lair Legion Duluth. They’re totally underheroed up there. That’s the comedy useless team.”

Visionary read on. “Have you put me on every single one of these?”

“Uh, wait a minute.” CSFB! began collecting notes into a pile. “Lair Legion Dark – that’s Messy and Vinnie and Sorcy and Ebony-y and Dead Boy and – yep, you’re in that one. Lair Legion Lite, that’s just you and Ham-Boy getting cats out of trees. Lair Legion of Super-Pets, that’s Rabito and HoundDog and Lisa’s cat and my chupacabra. You’re there too, I can’t remember why. We’ve got the Semi-Amazing Lair Legion, which is basically the New Lair Legion except with Goldeneyed in it...”

“But Goldeneyed was already in the - ”

“...then there’s the Liar Legion, and that’s all villains pretending to be heroes, or it’s sometimes heroes pretending to be villains, maybe both, it doesn’t really matter, but you’re gonna need another new costume. The All-New New Lair Legion is the same as the current roster. And then I realised, like, hey, we’ve got the Lair Legion, and in the same city we’ve got the League of Regulars, and all this time the two rosters have pretty much never worked together...”

“Never - ”

“...so I started working on a sort of hybrid roster but I couldn’t choose between the Lair League or the Legion of Regulars, so we’ll do both. And then there’s Lair Legion Caffeine-Free, and Lair Legion Menthol, and Lair Legion Citrus Burst, and Lair Legion Giant-Size, that’s where everybody is piloting a hundred-foot tall mecha of themselves for a reason which escapes me but I promise it’s like the coolest freaking thing you have ever seen. And we’ve got Cajun Lair Legion... Fijian Lair Legion... Norwegian Lair Legion... Oh, here! You’re not on Fifty Shades of the Lair Legion. Unless, I mean, you’d...”

“No, no,” said Visionary, “that’s fine, really. Listen, Dream, not wanting to interfere or anything. I just wonder. Isn’t this going to get complicated?”

CSFB!’s eyes narrowed. “Complicated how?”

“Aside from when you’re expecting me to sleep?” Visionary looked down at the dozens of post-its in his hands. “All these teams. You just know they’ll end up treading on each others’ toes. Or paws, or claws, or whatever the Shoggoth has. It’ll get messy.”

“Good point. So we’ll set up Lair Legends to keep everybody else in line. You got any soda?”

Visionary hesitated, then emptied his hands onto the breakfast bar. “Listen,” he said, “inclusivity is great, I get that. But the Lair Legion isn’t just about the world-saving. It means something to people. It’s special. And here you’ve made space for every hero I’ve ever heard of, and hundreds I haven’t... If everyone and her dog, and her mom, and her mom’s dentist, suddenly everyone is in some kind of Lair Legion, what is it that makes the Lair Legion special? If pretty much anyone can join...”

CrazySugarFreakBoy! looked indignant. “Not anyone can join the Lair Legion - ”

“No? Because this roster for Lunar Legion includes dude from the copy shop and that chick I always see walking her dalmatian.”

“New blood - ”

“And you forget: not everybody is as into this stuff as you are. Think about the casual citizen. How are they supposed to keep track of this? Aren’t you worried we’ll lose precious time explaining to people just which particular kind of Lair Legion is saving the day?”

Over his friend’s shoulder, Vizh saw movement at the window. Hatman was hovering outside, making a keep-it-going gesture as Al B. Harper clambered in, a gleaming hypodermic in one gloved hand. Harper unsnagged his labcoat from the window frame and tiptoed up behind CSFB!.

Visionary took a deep breath. “I mean, it’s not insurmountable. I guess we could give all the teams enamel pins or something, or team bomber jackets, or, er, billboard ads, or...”

Al B. Harper chose his mark with care and plunged the needle into the wired wonder’s neck. CrazySugarFreakBoy!’s eyelids flickered and a little line of drool appeared on his stilled lip. The silence was palpable.

With a twinge of regret, Visionary laid down the roster for My Little Lair Legion. “What did you give him?”

“A harsh dose of Commercial Reality®,” sighed Al, inspecting the spent syringe. “It’s for his own good.”

CSFB! shook his head and reached for another magic marker. “Yuki’s Kabuki Lair Legion,” he croaked. “Lair Legion She Wrote. Lair Legion: Assignment Miami Beach. Liu Xi and the Lady Legionnaires. Lair Legion of Sock Puppets!”

“Hm.” Al leaned against the window frame and began filling his bubble pipe. “If anything, that’s made it worse. This might take longer than I expected.”

CrazySugarFreakBoy! tore off note after note. “Lair Legion of Lovecraft! Lair Legion Everyone’s A Dinosaur! Lair Legion Non-Stop Disco Hits! And when the musical comes out, we do Lair Legion Lined Up as though that’s been the roster all along. Call EVERYBODY and order in pizza, this is gonna be AWESOME!!!!!!!!!”