WGMY 104.1
week two

...but in the last panel Garfield has a change of heart and punts Odie off the windowledge. Finally, Arnold Hunt’s cartoon in the Parodopolis Trombone is captioned the Sinister Circus of Metahumans, and sees a careless super-clown juggling balls marked “public safety”, “liberty” and “rule of law”. A small boy clutching a scroll labelled “Constitution” sheds a single tear. Stacey.

STACEY: That’s Dan with the pick of today's newspaper cartoons. It’s eight-seventeen. Coming up, we look at Power Housework, the keep-fit craze that’s literally sweeping the nation. For now, we’re talking Pagan Idol with Haqqisaqq, Inuit god of vengeance and public relations.

HAQ: Good morning.

STACEY: The first challenge out of the way, and plenty to talk about.

HAQ: Yes indeed.

STACEY: Here’s the challenge, as summed up by TV Preview: “Stranded on a barren island in the High Arctic, the contestants must work together to survive.”

HAQ: As I explained last week, it’s important that candidates for membership of the Official Inuit Pantheon should gain some understanding of the hardships that have shaped Inuit culture.

STACEY: So after two days of training in traditional survival skills – which we saw condensed into a brief Rocky-style montage of seal-clubbing, eel-spearing and high fives – the twelve contestants were helicoptered to remote Luqqpaqqraqqnaqq Island. They would be left for seventy-two hours with the barest subsistence rations and a camera crew to record the results.

HAQ: That’s right, and it was good that this episode emphasised the importance of teamwork. Co-operative skills – compromise, seeking agreement and so on – are central to the effective working of any pantheon, where multiple deities must pull together to get results. The challenge also helped us to get a better idea of the different personalities among the contestants.

STACEY: It did indeed. Which personalities came out most strongly for you?

HAQ: There was TJ with his jokes. A sense of humour can be a useful trait in a god. I was impressed by Alix, potential goddess of hamsters, who showed a real can-do attitude.

STACEY: Were it up to her, I expect she’d still be there trying to lasso that guillemot. Who else was a powerful presence?

HAQ: Ernesto, possible god of Vaseline®, gave a lot of encouragement. And didn’t his lips look smooth and glossy?

STACEY: But was there one single particular contestant whom you felt communicated her personality very forcefully throughout the entire hour-long episode?

HAQ: I suppose there was, um, Brandii.

STACEY: That would be Brandii, candidate goddess of demanding to be the centre of attention, who maintained a single hysterical shriek pretty much from beginning to end.

HAQ: She's really pushing the envelope with respect to her Sphere of Godly Influence. I think she’s going to take some beating.

STACEY: Mmm. So how do you feel they coped with the practicalities of the challenge?

HAQ: Remarkably well. Threw themselves into it with great enthusiasm. Oscar, as we saw, was quick to organise others in building a shelter. The waters of the Luqqpaqqraqqnaqq Inlet are rich in fish, so Letitia and TJ had success with their rudimentary hooks and lines. Marisa had the bright idea of air-drying seaweed to use as fuel for cooking.

STACEY: Busy, busy, busy. Meanwhile Brandii ran up and down the shoreline shrieking, flapping, OMGing, hyperventilating, rending her clothes and making the most egregious spectacle of herself.

HAQ: Admirable dedication there.

STACEY: So tell me, Haqqisaqq; were you disappointed that the contestants didn’t last the full seventy-two hours?

HAQ: I think we should take time to focus on the many positives in the challenge -

STACEY: For it was on the second sleepless night in the communal igloo that things came to a head. After forty-three hours of Brandii’s complaints about the food, the cold, the company and the unfairness of anyone but her getting camera time, tempers began to fray.

HAQ: It just underlines my point about the importance of co-operation and agreement -

STACEY: In this case, the other eleven contestants agreed to bind Brandii with fishing line, gag her with seaweed and push her out to sea in a kayak.

HAQ: I should point out that Brandii herself was completely unharmed.

STACEY: Only because the camera crew, scenting blood in the air, felt bound to intervene. Which did little to cool the situation.

HAQ: Look, there’s always a place for the sort of full and frank exchange of views that -

STACEY: In the ensuing fracas the igloo was demolished and George, enraged beyond all reason, advanced upon Brandi and her protectors hurling dire threats and heavy objects.

HAQ: Who’d have guessed the old guy had it in him? But yes, the camera crew had no option but to enact a programme of percussive de-escalation.

STACEY: In layman’s terms, he could be subdued only by the crew beating him unconscious with tripods and boom mikes. At which point the producers brought the challenge to a halt.

HAQ: With reluctance. But the only responsible decision, and responsibility is what Pagan Idol is all about. We wish him a speedy recovery and we'll look back on some of his best moments during next week's thrilling episode.

STACEY: Just one thing before we go to the weather. Many viewers have expressed unhappiness at being denied the opportunity to take part in the usual eviction phone-vote.

HAQ: After George’s unscheduled retirement from the contest there was no need for a further eviction, and so the phone-vote was cancelled. It will go ahead next week as normal. Look, I think we can draw a line under this episode now. Lessons have been learned, and we’re all eager to move forward.

STACEY: Which lessons?

HAQ: From next week the camera crew will carry Tasers.

STACEY: The Inuit god Haqqisaqq. Dan has the weather.

DAN: Get ready to drag out those winter woolies, because...

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