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From the Parodiopolis Daily Trombone
An Editorial
By J. Jonah Jerkson, Editor and Publisher
The Lair Legion Promises Ultimate Ruin for Our City
Once again Parodiopolis has faced and survived devastation from a titanic battle by the Lair Legion. The tenacity and sheer guts of all of us Paradopolitans and the heroism and self-sacrifice of our supremely devoted police, firefighters and emergency crews have pulled us through. As we repair the damage and try to assauge the psychic trauma of the carnage so cavalierly forced into the tender minds of our children and ourselves, though, responsible citizens must ask, "Why has the Lair Legion provoked yet another disaster in this city?"
Mark Carnifex had proved repeatedly that he had this city's best interests at heart. True, in the heat of a battle instigated or intensified by a posse of super-powered ne'er-do-wells who outnumbered him 20 to one, he appeared to confess that he was on some preposterous mission to obliterate the universe. But is it not even more likely that this philanthropist and protector of the innocent was driven to insanity by the combine of almost two dozen freaks, loonies and self-admitted deviants calling themselves "heroes"? In the presence of a Crazy Sugar Freak Boy, an anachronistic English toff, asocial robots and cyborgs and an indescribable "shoggoth" who openly touts his reality-mangling presence, even a Carnifex might go a little mad.
The baleful, if not catastrophic consequences of the Lair Legion's struggle against the noble Carnifex are proved by the terrifying set of allies they literally exhumed to take him down. How can we contemplate with anything less than alarm the return of the eccentric and multi-perilous Spiffy, destroyer of entire countries, not to mention his cascading failures as omni- mayor and now president of the nefarious Badripoor? Not to mention the nattering, numbskulled Nats and incredibly, back from his well-deserved exit at the conclusion of the Parody War, Goldeneyed, the most nefarious of all. A man, if he is a man, who embodies not only conquest, war, famine and death but also entropy itself.
This is the last straw! Goldeneyed must be immediately exiled from this city, this state, this country, and were it in our power, this universe. Delay will only subject our widows and orphans to the terror of his undisciplined interference in our lives. Nothing less than his prompt and total removal from our sight will do! Goldeneyed must be eliminated! Now, yes, now!
J. Jonah Jerkson
VOICE OF THE PEOPLE
Mr. J. Jonah Jerkson, editor and publisher of this newspaper and billionaire owner of Jerkson Industries, Inc., was rushed to Phantomhwk Memorial Hospital as he concluded writing the preceding editorial, presenting with a concurrent myocardial infarction and cerebral thrombosis. His condition is critical, but he is expected to recover in accordance with prior experience. The prayers of the staff of the Daily Trombone follow him. Expressions of encouragement from our readership are gratefully solicited and may be sent to the Daily Trombone or dropped off at any Slopp-Burger restaurant.
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