Kambyon the Kruel #5 “God of Monsters”


Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four



Continuity note: This story takes place between the end of the Parody War and the start of the Moderator Saga.



It said much about Magweed and Griffin’s upbringing that neither was fazed by the exotic nature of their home. Most residents of the Parodyverse would find difficulty in coming to terms with the concept of a lighthouse that stood on two tracts of geography (depending on circumstance). Not so the twins. They had lived lives fraught with the fantastic even before they had learned their true pedigrees as children sired by a possibly fake paternal figure and two separate mothers: one an emancipated pleasure slave from a galaxy far, far away, the other a living hologram.

It was the latter woman who broadcast herself into the lighthouse’s living room, where both children could be found.

“Hi, Mom. What’s up?” Griffin asked her once she had finished materializing.

“Just checking in,” Hallie responded somewhat suspiciously. The boy was usually surprisingly in the know, a circumstance caused by his being gestated in a womb that was the combined sum of all the electronic data on the World Wide Web, “I see you’re both hitting the books.”

“Yes,” Magweed held up her copy of Julie of the Wolves, “That was what you wanted, wasn’t it?”

“Absolutely,” Hallie glanced over to her son who had gone back to being engrossed in the adventures of the Heterodyne Boys, “We’re going to have company soon; some people from the mansion.”

“OK, Mom. Do you want us to do anything for when they arrive?”

“No. Just stay as you are,” the emerald hued woman gave them both a comforting pat on the shoulder before disappearing.

“We shouldn’t do this,” the girl said once their mother had gone.

“We have to,” Griffin hopped off the sofa and lifted its cushion.

“She told us to stay here.”

Retrieving a hastily folded floor plan of Lair Mansion, Griff argued, “Actually, she said for you to stay here. Which you will. Its too dangerous for you to come with me.”

“You may need my help!” his sister protested.

“No, Maggie. You saw what that giant did on the TV. It tore up the entire bridge to the island as easy as pulling weeds,” Griff referenced Kambyon’s spectacular display of power caught earlier on camera, right before his threat to devour one of the twin’s closest friends.

“I don’t think he really intends to eat Iris. His heart didn’t seem into it.”

The boy made some last minute calculations on his hand-drawn map before turning to his sister, “Maybe. But it’s hard for you to read a person’s intentions from so far away, especially when the cable reception here is so bad. We can’t take the risk. Somebody has to save Iris, and since her dad or our dad or the rest of the Lair Legion isn’t here, I’m the best qualified. The giant can’t hurt what he can’t see or touch.”

“You hope.”

“Yeah.”

Magweed stared at her brother for several moments. The two had been through a great deal in their lives, facing monsters that had come in a variety of forms. But this one… “I hope Iris is OK.”

*****

“RRRAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!” Kambyon the Kruel bared his claws and loomed over the doe eyed baby sitting on the desk of the absent leader of the Lair Legion.

Iris Paintbrush Sunrise’s face grew solemn for a moment, before she exploded into a fit of happy squeals, repeatedly mashing her pudgy hands together in a show of appreciation for the Hairy Man’s antics.

The Beast of Apocalyspe did not reciprocate the sentiment. He had tried everything short of violence to frighten the female, from growls to snorts to grinding his molars so hard a sound akin to an avalanche filled the room. Iris had been entertained, but not impressed.

Finally, it a fit of pique, Kambyon tore the wrought iron fireplace free from its brick mantel, bending it so that the blackened iron caged the child.

Iris cooed and began finger painting herself with the soot.

“Stupid mortal infant,” Kambyon cursed as he lowered himself on his haunches to his best pondering position. He had much to consider.

*****

It had become obvious to Hallie that the most secure place to plot strategy was in the mansion’s sound proof room. Kambyon had demonstrated a preternatural sense of hearing, and the hologram hoped by relocating the few inhabitants on the island here they could meet without fear of the brute learning their plans. A drawback to this was while Kambyon could not eavesdrop on the group, they were as woefully in the dark as to what he was doing.

“Damn it: that’s the third of my HEDs he’s destroyed,” Hallie reported to the assembled staff and guests of the mansion. She was cloaking her Hologram Emitter Drones so as to be wholly invisible to the entire spectrum, and having them operate on full silent running, and Kambyon was still spotting them. The latest fell victim to an expectorated thumbnail (fortunately his own; the monster had not yet made good on his vow to eat Iris if the Legion did not appear). Time, however, was running out, “OK, we’re going to have to assume help isn’t coming and it’s up to us to save the day.”

“But, but what can we do?” Marie Murcheson fretted, “we’re not heroes.”

“Who says?” Bettie Barrie countered, “Being a hero isn’t about power or skill. It’s about being willing to sacrifice for a good cause. And at this moment I can think of no better cause than putting that big bully in his place.”

Hallie nodded, “Besides, it’s not like we’re without powers or skills. I’ve got my holograms, Marie apparently has her banshee scream back even though she’s not, ahm, a banshee anymore, and Corporal Meicklejohn can generate explosions.”

“Aye,” the Detonator Hippo said, “But it is a sham mah fellows in arms ur trapped in 'yon beastie's gullet. If we waur together we coods gie heem a right good rummel.”

“All the more reason Hallie should let me try my plan to get them out,” Flapjack held up a large casserole dish of his special three bean salad, “Sure, there’s a risk of blowback, but-“

Hallie cut him off, “Giving Kambyon indigestion is not a plan! If we’re to win we need to take this threat seriously!”

“Not taking threats seriously is the secret to the Lair Legion’s success! Haven’t you paid attention at all since you’ve been here?!”

“Please,” Marie spoke up, “stop fighting. It’s not getting us any closer to a solution to the problem.”

“You’re right. I apologize,” the hunchbacked butler said with surprising sincerity.

Hallie’s anxiety subroutines caused her to rake her fingers through her hard light hair, “Sorry.”

“It’s OK. Hugs?” Flapjack held out his twisted arms hopefully.

Bettie Barrie saw they were about to veer off task again, so she verbalized the question that still needed to be answered, “How do we keep Kambyon occupied long enough to grab Iris and escape to Visionary’s lighthouse?”

*****

Despite being both invisible and intangible, Griffin was cautious when he poked his head into Hatman’s office. The room was a mess. Most of the furniture had been knocked to the ground, no doubt the result of Kambyon’s difficulty in navigating its dimensions and a lack of concern over the condition of its contents.

To the boy’s great relief, the most important thing in the room was intact, though a bit grimy. Iris Paintbrush Sunrise crawled back and forth in a makeshift playpen. On occasion she would grip the soot stained bars and shake them, in an attempt to get the attention of her captor.

Kambyon looked asleep. The beast’s eyes were closed and he was breathing heavily, his massive form rocking back on his hooves as it squatted.

This was a huge break for Griffin. While he himself could remain unseen and untouched, the boy could not pass those states onto Iris or anyone else, which meant in order to pull off an escape Kambyon’s attention would have to be elsewhere. Griffin originally had thought to get the giant to chase him, then double back and snatch up the baby before retreating via the secret passage behind the life size Jarvis portrait that hung on the office’s wall. But with Kambyon dead to the world that would make things easier. Without a sound he crept forward towards Iris’s cage, all the while keeping watch on Kambyon, looking for any sign that he would awaken.

“You might as well materialize. I know you’re here.”

Griffin gave a tiny yelp and stepped back when Kambyon spoke. The monster, eyes still closed, leaned forward and laid one of his massive paws atop of Iris’s prison.

“Come on, don’t waste my time.”

Reluctantly Griffin made himself visible, causing Iris to squeal happily. Kambyon, now fully awake, was less enthused.

“A naked child? This is what they send against me. Pathetic.”

“Nobody sent me. I came on my own.”

“Well, then, in addition to being underdressed, you’re quite stupid, aren’t you? Here,” reaching over with his free arm, Kambyon tore down one set of the office’s curtains and tossed it at the youth, “To cover up at least some of your shame.”

Griffin wrapped the fabric around his waist, “I’m not stupid,” he said bluntly, “You are. When the Lair Legion gets here they are going to kick in your big ugly face. That baby you’re holding hostage? Her dad is the deputy leader of the team and the Champion of Chaos and he’s not going to like the fact you threatened to eat his daughter.”

Kambyon barked a laugh, “The Champion of Chaos?! Is that meant to impress me? A puffed up title for a wholly subjective conceit? He might as well be the Lord and Master of Ball Cheese for all it matters.”

“Go ahead, and make jokes. Bigger guys than you have crossed the Legion. They all lose.”

“What’s your name, boy?”

“Griffin.”

“Now that is an interesting name, and seemingly appropriate,” Kambyon sniffed, “You share the odor of these other humans, yet I detect the sugary scent of Caph in your spoor, and… something else. Something bitter and almost metallic. You’re a mongrel, like the gryphon. Like me.”

“Well, my dad is human, and also by the way a member of the Lair Legion and friends with the Destroyer of Tales who’s also my godmother and the Chronicler of Tales and he was also Chronicler himself so he’s somebody else you don’t want to get mad. One of my moms is Caphan, and her sister is queen of the entire planet. And my other mom is a seriously smart computer genius who probably can come up with a hundred ways to beat you and make you look like a fool while doing it.”

“That… is an remarkable lineage,” Kambyon stood so that he now towered over the boy, “Let me tell you mine. I am Kambyon the Kruel, son of Dark Thugos, grandson of Jungu Khan. My mother was the Maxellian goddess of death and ruin, captured and enslaved by my father, for the express purpose of bearing me as an heir. I am the God of all Monsters. Every beast in the Parodyverse, the wolf, the wyrm, the Behemoth, even the gryphon, gets its name and its strength from me. No chains can hold me and no door can bar me. I am the Ignoble Savage, the Apex Predator, the Wide Awake Nightmare. Tell me, does that sound like someone your father and his Legion can defeat?”

“Yeah, probably,” Griffin answered, “They’ve beaten Dark Thugos, your dad.”

If that fact impressed Kambyon he hid it well, “Thugos has certain flaws that can be exploited.”

“Your other grandfather, the Hooded Hood, did a good job exploiting them.”

The giant’s eyes narrowed, “Other grandfather?”

“Sure. At one time the Hooded Hood was your grandfather. I guess now that that’s been retconned, he’s not anymore.”

“What are you blabbering about?”

“Well,” Griffin explained, “Dark Thugos was originally spiffy from another reality. spiffy used to be the son of the Hooded Hood, until he used his power to retcon, that’s rewrite, things so that spiffy isn’t his son anymore. Which means you’re not his alternate universe grandson.”

“Are you mad? There is no Hooded Hood in the lineage of the Gods of Apocalyspe.”

“That’s because he changed the past. Besides, the Hooded Hood isn’t a god. He’s human, I think. Just like spiffy. Look, there’s his picture on the wall over there.”

Kambyon turned and glared at the portrait at the wispy thin mortal with the foliage sprouting from his head, “Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?”

Actually, it was supposed to be a plan. One of the oldest in the book, according to Griffin’s friend Dream. Only Griffin didn’t intend on telling Kambyon that just yet, “No, not at all. That’s spiffy, your retconned father from another reality. I guess that could make him your retconned uncle, maybe.”

“These are lies!” Kambyon destroyed the wall of portraits with one swipe of his arm, shattering the office’s great bay window in the process, “I never was kin with any mortal! And no mortal has the power to alter history, let alone the history of a god!”

This was the moment. If Griffin could get Kambyon to lunge, he could turn incorporeal and make a dash for Iris. Then maybe if he could grab her and get her to the now exposed secret passage, maybe they could escape. Maybe, “The Hooded Hood does it all the time, when he needs things just so for a particular plot. When he’s done with them he just,” the boy shrugged, “tosses them away.”

That did it. With a growl Kambyon lunged forward and tried grabbing Griffin, but he only succeeded in snatching up a handful of drapery. The boy left it behind as he ran, pushing over the cage that held Iris. He gathered the baby up in his arms and got ready to bolt for the narrow escape passage.

There was a blur of motion and Kambyon stood in his way. The giant was grinning.

“Young hero outwits monster,” he chuckled approvingly, “an old story. Good one, too. Almost worked.”

Kambyon caught Griffin by the hair and hoisted him up to eye level. The boy dared not turn intangible out of fear of dropping Iris, who now seemed at last to understand the severity of their plight and was bawling inconsolably.

“What’s going on?” Hallie materialized in a blizzard of green pixels, “Why is- Griffin!!! Let go of my son!!!”

“Your son?” Kambyon smirked but obliged, allowing Hallie to gather both children up protectively in her arms, “How interesting. Since you’re clearly not Caphan, you must be the mother who is a ‘seriously smart computer genius’.”

“Hi, Mom,” Griffin said somewhat weakly.

“Hi, Griff,” Hallie smiled back, “don’t worry, everything is going to be fine.”

Kambyon laughed again, “Yes, Griffin told me you could come up with a hundred ways to defeat and humiliate me. How are those plans coming along?”

“Pretty well, I’d say.”

All four of the room’s occupants turned to stare out the window at the surprise entrant to the conversation, a handsome man dressed in black who floated outside the window.

Mark Carnifex smiled, “She called me.”


Next: Kambyon versus the Carnifex, and if you think the outcome should be obvious, well, you haven’t been paying attention. But while the Beast of Apocalyspe and the Parodyverse’s Greatest Phony Hero trade punches, could an even bigger threat be on the horizon? What is IAGOS, and why is it so interested in talking to Hallie? All this and more in Kambyon the Kruel #6 “Endgames”.