> Dancer’s Next Land That Common Sense Forgot Adventure Tie-In: “I’d like to be clear that I’m a no-skewer zone, and have been since college.â€Â
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> [The Story So Far: Dancer and Lair Legion liaison officer Amber St Clare have been dropped in a mysterious jungle without even a camera crew to film their exploits for reality TV. They’ve been trying to find civilisation, or at least a 7-11 where they can call a cab, but so far all they’ve found is that grass skirts itch and a trio of pterodactyl-riding slaver pirates who want to add them to their collection.]
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> Cap’n Helltooth: Aha! Tis two choicesome wenches what will serve well in the pleasure pits once they’ve been a-properly plundered and broken in!
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> Dancer: Well, I have waitressed before. What kind of cuisine do they do there?
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> Two-Stumps Simpson: Aha! Tis tasty little morsels such as yourselves that get devoured!
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> Dancer: I don’t approve of cannibalism. And before you aha me again, yes I know it was a double entendre. Like I said, I’ve waitressed before.
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> Amber: Dancer, never mind the entendres. They’re speaking a language we can understand. It’s almost like English except it has lots of Ahas and compulsory exclamation marks.
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> Doubloon Douglass: Aha! We are possessing of the silver crowns of the ancient shadow empire, what lets us understand all the languages of the thirty-odd-but-I-forgets-exactly-how-many realms!
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> Cap’n Helltooth: Aha! But none of that matters, my buxom sweeties, because the language of love is eternal, and your lips will be too busy…
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> Dancer: Hold it. Don’t go there. It’s not big and it’s not clever. But I guess you’ve already been told that lots of times. Let’s just cut past the gloating and do the introductions. I’m Dancer and this is Amber. We’re tourists from Earth but we seem to have lost the bus. And you are…?
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> Cap’n Helltooth: Aha! Why I’m the dread Cap’n Helltooth, scourge of the thirty-odd realms, corsair dinosaur rider extraordinaire!
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> Dancer: Well that’s good. We wouldn’t want to be plundered by just anybody. And your friends?
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> Two-Stumps Simpson: Aha! I be Two Stumps Simpson, master o’ the, em, two stumps. And I be a corsair dino rider extraordinaire too.
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> Amber: Just leave your business card and I’ll have my people call your people. Eventually.
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> Dancer: Very nice to meet you, Two-Stumps. So are you more or less extraordinaire than the Cap’n?
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> Two-Stumps Simpson: Er, well I be perhaps about as extraordinaire, but I wouldn’t like to be a measuring it.
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> Amber: You forgot to say Aha!
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> Cap’n Helltooth: He be less extraordinaire if he wants to keep my boot out’o his Davy Jones locker. Maybe about three fifths as extraordinaire. Arr!
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> Amber: Now you’re just changing the syntax rules to confuse me.
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> Doubloon Douglass: Aha! And I be Doubloon Douglass, also the scourge of a given number of worlds somewhere in the region of thirty to forty. And I be extraordinaire [* glances at Cap’n Helltooth *] but not as extraordinaire as the Cap’n, o’course.
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> Two-Stumps Simpson: Aha! And not as extraordinaire as Two-Stumps Simpson, either!
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> Doubloon Douglass: Aha! Are ye sayin’ ye’re more less extraordinaire than the Cap’n than I is, ye swab?
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> Two-Stumps Simpson: Aha! Are ye sayin’ I’m less more less extraordinaire than the Cap’n that you is more less extraordinaire?
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> Dancer: Boy! Boys! Don’t quarrel. You’ll scare the pterodactyls. I’m sure you’re all immensely extraordinaire.
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> Amber: If everybody’s extraordinaire that just makes them ordinaire.
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> Cap’n Bloodtooth: Aha! I is getting’ a headache. Can we be getting’ back to the pillaging part o’ the encounter?
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> Dancer: Well hold on. I’m still waiting to hear more about Two-Stumps and Doubloon. So far all I know is an undetermined level of extraordinaireness. There’s so much more if you scratch beneath the stereotype. What made them want to be pirates? What do they call their flying lizards? Do they have family? What are their hobbies? What are their goals in life? All kinds of interesting things to find out.
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> Two-Stumps Simpson: Er, what was that third one again?
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> Cap’n Bloodtooth: Avast! We has no time to be playing twenty questions. There’s reaving and plundering to be done!
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> Doubloon Douglass: Aha! Hold on Cap’n! Why does it always have to be the reaving and the plundering straight away? Just because the young lady was to be asking about Two-Stumps and me suddenly it’s on to the reaving and plundering. Well it so happens that my hobby is collecting shrunken heads. So arr!
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> Amber: Really. Your mother must be so proud of you.
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> Doubloon Douglass: Arr! She be on o’em!
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> Two-Stumps Simpson: Aha! Well I was born down in them selfsame pleasure pits and grew up from an early age always knowing that I’d want to be a scurvy saur-dog!
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> Amber: Most people do grow up from an early age.
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> Dancer: Shh. Two-Stumps is telling us about himself, from the days when he was a little One-Stump and maybe even a tiny No-Stumps.
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> Two-Stumps: Aha! Tis so, lassie! And this be my pterodactyl, Loreli.
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> Dancer: That’s a nice name. She had lovely eyes.
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> Two-Stumps: Aha! Thank’ee kindly missie. Tis not may people be stopping Loreli’s lovely eyes. Mostly they be notin’ the six foot beak and the razor-talons.
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> Doubloon Douglass: Aha! Well it so happens that my Bessie here be havin’ even lovelier eyes. And a shiny coat.
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> Cap’n Bloodtooth: Aha! Well the both o’ye can shut the hell up! And for the record, my Ophelia has a lovely coat and the best eyes and she’s very warm and affectionate on a cold and lonely night.
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> Two Stumps: ………
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> Doubloon Douglass: ……….
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> Dancer and Amber: ……….
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> Cap’n Bloodtooth: What? Who are ye to judge, ye lubbers! Avast!
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> Dancer: They’re three very lovely pterodactyls, and you’re very lucky to have them. In whatever sense of the word have is appropriate.
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> Doubloon Douglass: Aha! As to myself, I never wanted to be a corsair when I was a youngling, but m’father and his father were corsairs before me and wanted me in the family business. I wanted to be a greengrocer.
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> Cap’n Bloodtooth: Aha! Ye always was a little strange, Doubloon Douglass. Tis unnatural to be reaving and pillaging of vegetables.
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> April: Pot. Kettle. Black.
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> Dancer: So why don’t you, Doubloon? I mean, there’s always a need for good grocers. And you might have the right kind of attitude. People need a grocer they can confide in, someone who’ll understand their vegetable needs. You have the air of a man who would command culinary confidence.
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> Doubloon Douglass: Aha! Tis most kind of ye to say so, Dancer, but ‘tis too late for this poor pirate to become a landlubbering greens-merchant now!
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> Two-Stumps Simpson: Aha! Just ‘ee hold on there, Doubloon Douglass. Don’t ye be underestimatin’ yourself, like the young lady says. If’n ye wants to be a seller of vegetables then don’t let anyone stand in thy way. And if’n they do, then give ‘em the radish where it’ll do the most good.
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> Cap’n Helltooth: Aha! Have you two idiots listened to yourselves? Bleatin’ on about pterodactyl’s eyes and greengrocery while two toothsome wenches tremble helpless in our cruel clutches? Are ye pirates or no?
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> Doubloon Douglass: Aha! Now that’s the question, Cap’n. What do’ee really think I should do, Missie Dancer?
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> Cap’n Helltooth: Avast! Don’t be asking the wench! She’s the pillagee!
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> Dancer: Not on the first date. Well, not always. Well, sometimes not.
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> Two-Stumps Simpson: Aha! But it makes a man think, Cap’n. I means, what are we a-doin’ here menacing these nice young ladies. What’d out old mothers be thinking, back in the pleasure pits?
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> Amber: Maybe, “Oh, my back really hurts�
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> Dancer: Well, one time not.
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> Doubloon Douglass: Aha! Tis as Two-Stumps says, Cap’n. I’m a-rethinking this whole corsair thing. Tis no future for a man who’s not getting any younger. Whereas a barrow is a barrow. Bessie could help to pull it.
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> Cap’n Helltooth: Avaunt! Ye mangy dogs! I’ll skewer the first man who won’t plunder these wenches and, er, skewer ‘em.
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> Amber: I’d like to be clear that I’m a no-skewer zone, and have been since college.
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> Dancer: Wouldn’t it be better if you just helped us on our way, towards that big smoking column over there which I’m hoping will hook us back up with the main plotline? We could hitch a ride on Loreli and Bessie.
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> Cap’n Helltooth: We’re not takin on hitch-hikers, ye saucy drabs! We’re at the pillaging. Right here! Right now!
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> Two-Stumps Simpson: Aha! Ye forgot to say Aha, Cap’n. Or Avast. Or aye!
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> Doubloon Douglass: Aye! And also ye should be showing more respect to Missie Dancer and her friend. Tis not gallant. And there’ll be no plundering or skewering either. Besides, the rumour is ye only have a dagger.
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> Dancer: Please, Cap’n, don’t try to explain what that’s not true. This is a family episode. Let’s just get to the bit where you draw on Two-Stumps and Doubloon and they clobber you, okay?
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> Cap’n Helltooth: Aha! What do ye mean they…
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> [Two-Stumps and Doubloon clobber him]
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> Amber: He wasn’t drawing a weapon.
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> Two-Stumps Simpson: Aha! Better safe than sorry, arr!
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> Doubloon Douglass: Aha! Besides, it might have been a very small weapon. According to the rumours!
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> Dancer: Ah well. Poor Cap’n Helltooth. At least he’s still got Ophelia. [* She points to the distant column of smoke *] That way please, boys! Aha! Avast! Yo ho!
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> Continued…
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> Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2008 reserved by Sarah Shepherdson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2008 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Sarah Shepherdson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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