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The thunder rumbled ominously across a sepia sky as
The Moderator schemed his evil scheme. Because the
sky was sepia, everything else was reflected in shades of
art-deco - Lair Legion Tower, the blimp in the sky, the car the
Moderator was driving. Even the Moderator himself, in his familiar
black suit and fedora hat with purple band, suited the scene.

"Now...it is time," he calmly stated to himself.

He parked his car and exited to stand outside Lair Legion Tower on
Parodiopolis Main Street, all awash in marshmallow and pistachio.

"Evening, Mr. Moderator Sir" said Jay Boaz, better known to the public as DoorMan, as he hurried to open the Tower's glass entry for the most important man in this Parodyverse.

"It is as I willed it," The
Moderator agreed, before casting a critical eye about the assorted riff
raff that waited in the crowded lobby, no doubt waiting for him. No
doubt wanting something, "Where is Functionary?" he demanded the status
of his possibly synthetic steward.


CalmSereneFlunkeyBoy... dutifully responded to his master in a dull
monotone. "He sends his apologies, my lord, but his ward has yet again
frozen him to a signpost. We are currently trying to free the canines
who had the misfortune of licking him and found their tongues trapped."

"Release the
fire-breathing grizzlies to thaw them out!" the Moderator ordered his
Halcyon Henchman, "And then bring Functionary to the throne room;
burned or freezerburned, it is of no consequence to me!"

The Moderator kept the populace
of this Earth pacified with his henchmen, Content Filter, who censored
dissent in the news media, and LOL INTERNET, who produced mind-numbing,
distracting entertainment. Dissent
was by definition evil, of course, since The
Moderator was the savior of all mankind and therefore loved by every
right thinking individual. Mind-numbing, distracting entertainment was
perhaps an evil as well, but rather on the scale of the useful, lesser
evils... one that could easily be overlooked for the greater good, much
like bingo night down at Holy Mercy. It turned out that running a
peaceful world required the careful coordination of many lesser but
useful evils, which is where Functionary came in... Literally and
figuratively.

"Er..." A dripping man in a green coat interrupted carefully. "I'm
here! There's no need, sir... for the grizzlies, I mean. At least in
this instance. I'm sure there's some very good reasons for
fire-breathing grizzlies in general." He assured the room. "I can't
think why God or geneticists never thought to make them before.
Honest."

"Well, Zhe Doctor zhat created me, she had some plans..." a three foot
tall, talking, bipedal pig chimed in from behind the Functionary's
dripping coat with a noticably French accent. "Although in zhe testing
phase, eet did not go quite as planned... Eet turned out zhe fire did
not come so much with their breath as, how you say, with their..."

"Not now, Brap" Functionary hissed nervously. "A-heh. Um... you wanted to see me? Sir?"

"Hardly" The Moderator noted icily. "What are these
citizens doing cluttering up the lobby?"

"Oh, right... Um... I know this one..." Functionary assured. "This is
Mr. Mac Fleetwood. He and these others are residents of Hell's
Bathroom, specifically the neighborhood that was, um... kind of
trashed... in last week's fight between the Lair Legion and the Yurt."

"Don't you mean "demolished as part of a long-planned Urban Renewal
Project"..." the leader of the Lair Legion suggested dangerously. "Or
can't you even be bothered to watch the broadcasts you oversee?"

"We don't need your propaganda to tell us what happens in our own neighborhood!" Mr. Fleetwood pointed out.

"Er... well..." Functionary explained. "They do kind of have a point,
though... don't they? I mean, the Yurt is pretty hard to miss, and not
the kind of thing you forget. And the Legion *did* kind of defeat him
by dropping much of Hell's Bathroom on his head, one structure at a
time..."

"Fight buildings with buildings, I always say!" Scarlet Lawnmower
snickered from his place leaning against the doors of the glass
elevator that led to the Lair Levels of the Tower. "Anyway, we saved
their lives... What do they want us to do about it now?"

"Pay for damages!" a voice in the crowd yelled. "Help us rebuild!" another chimed in.

"These people were left homeless..." Mac argued. "The city's shelters
are already overfilled. There's no place for many to go..."

"I can tell 'em where to go" Lawnmower suggested.

"Well, now... hold on..." Functionary said.

"We have videotape of what really happened!" Mr. Fleetwood argued.
"And we'll take it to the real press if you won't
help us. You have responsibilities!"

"Indeed" The Moderator said. "And Great Power.
Which means you no longer have any videotape." He waved his hands and
suddenly the angry crowd vanished completely from the lobby. "Thank
you for making sure this matter came to my attention, Functionary.
There are only two types of people who get jobs like yours, you know...
the ambitious and the incompetent. I knew I chose just the right type."

"You... you did just send them home, right?" Functionary asked. "I
mean... naturally without the video tape. And, um... without homes...
but you did just send them somewhere..."

"You should be proud... it's an important job, making sure the Legion
isn't distracted by the little things" The Moderator
assured him as he and the Scarlet Lawnmower entered the elevator.
"It's how the rest of the team is able to do great things."

Functionary exchanged worried glances with DoorMan.

"You know, eet wasn't so much zhat zhe grizzlies themselves were bad"
Brap explained absently. "I just wish zhe doctor had invested in zhe
flame-retardant pooper-scooper zhat I requested..."

---

And The Moderator was pleased, for
all was as it should be....save for one small apartment in the suburbs
of Upper Wuthering Heights, GMY, where a small boy turned off his
computer and said “Cor blimey, something odd is ‘appening!”