Previously, on Pagan Idol:
two weeks to go
week zero
week one
week two
week three


WGMY 104.1
week four


...offered his profoundest apologies to the French ambassador, though Visionary maintains that it “was like that when he got there.” More on this story later. Dan has the travel.

DAN: Thakka thakka thakka. Traffic remains slow on all major routes into GMY, thakka thakka, and looks to be pretty much at a standstill on I-666. Thakka thakka thakka. South of the water, seems we’re down to one lane heading east on the Englehart Bridge, thakka, and that means trouble all through Dullard’s Corner. Thakka thakka thakka. Best to avoid that area if you can. Thakka thakka. On the Metro, Green Line is suspended due to swans. Thakka thakka thakka thakka. Parodopolis Sound Ferries report normal service on all routes. Thakka thakka thakka. That's all from me. Stacey?

STACEY: Thanks Dan. That's Dan in the imaginary WGMY travel copter. It’s eight-seventeen. Right now, and in what looks increasingly like a regular feature, we can welcome Haqqisaqq, Inuit god of vengeance and public relations.

HAQ: Good morning.

STACEY: Haqqisaqq, I sensed that the Official Inuit Pantheon was trying to achieve several different things with this week’s episode of Pagan Idol.

HAQ: The pantheon’s objective, as always, was to provide an exciting televisual spectacle, and in that they succeeded admirably.

STACEY: We’ll come back to that. What I mean is that in addition to the challenge, and with perhaps one eye on the tourist dollar, the Inuit pantheon used the episode to show off the bleak yet stunning High Arctic landscape.

HAQ: This was a welcome opportunity to share a little of the region we call home. Much of the episode took place on the beautiful Maqqhi’iu’urqqa’i’uu’yuqq glacier, which is among the largest and most unspoilt anywhere in the world.

STACEY: Your introductory aerial footage of the glacier was truly spectacular. As indeed were the contestants’ difficulties in pronouncing its name. But on top of all that, the challenge must have been designed from the outset as a means of tackling an issue that I know you feel strongly about.

HAQ: That’s true, Stacey. The Official Inuit Pantheon have long been concerned that many in the Warmer World have a very narrow idea of Inuit cultural heritage.

STACEY: You think we labour under some unhelpful preconceptions.

HAQ: Exactly. Take language, for instance. Even today you’ll hear people drag out that old line about the Inuit having eighty words for snow. It gives a totally false impression of our culture; the Inuit are in truth custodians of a remarkable linguistic richness. For example, we also have ninety different words for ice, twenty for subtly different kinds of permafrost and almost fifty words for “gruesome fate”.

STACEY: It’s a veritable poet’s treasure chest.

HAQ: That’s just my point. And indeed the Inuit have a particular respect for poets and bards. During that part of the year when outdoor sports are not practicable, the ever-competitive Inuit turn to outwitting each other in word games. The most successful players, often poets by trade, are celebrated for their large vocabularies and quick wits. The deity leading this week’s challenge, Ruqqsaqq, is not just god of hiking but also a well-known figure on the word games pro circuit.

STACEY: Thus the challenge element of this episode was an hour-long glacier hike in zero visibility...

HAQ: The unforecast blizzard was totally beyond the producers’ control.

STACEY: ...whilst your man Ruqqsaqq, straining to be heard above the wind, led an I-Spy competition in a language spoken neither by contestants nor television audience.

HAQ: There were subtitles.

STACEY: Yes, and the first fifty answers were all translated as “snow”.

HAQ: Your paucity of terms is really not our responsibility.

STACEY: Amidst all that linguistic richness do the Inuit have a word for “ratings freefall?” Speaking of which, when did you first notice TJ was missing?

HAQ: I… TJ was found safe and well just a few hours after broadcast.

STACEY: Clarify “safe and well”.

HAQ: Alright, he was found safe.

STACEY: Clarify “safe”.

HAQ: Safe, in the sense that he was in no immediate danger of falling into a second crevasse. But he is making excellent progress and we wish him all the best.

STACEY: He’s probably questioning the wisdom of bringing that unicycle in the first place. But I suppose one more enforced withdrawal doesn’t make much difference now. Let’s see what the newspapers thought about sixty minutes of a white screen and Ruqqsaqq’s incomprehensible bellowing.

HAQ: What we should be focusing on here -

STACEY: Here’s the Parodopolis Herald: SNORE-ORA BOREALIS.

HAQ: If I could just -

STACEY: And the GMY Pontificator: LAST LAP OF THE GODS - HOW PAGAN IDOL LOST THE PLOT.

HAQ: Surely the -

STACEY: Direct as always, the Goth Haven Mercury: “IDOL” FAVOURITE FALLS OFF CLIFF, TAKES RATINGS WITH HIM.

HAQ: It was a crevasse -

STACEY: The mighty J. Jonah Jerkson himself felt pressed to comment. “So the Inuit like word games? Unscramble the following: shark, the, jumped.”

HAQ: It’s to the show’s credit that it has sparked this sort of debate right across the media. Top of the news agenda, bringing important ideas into the public arena, and that's what Pagan Idol has always been about.

STACEY: Here’s an important idea for you. By the end of this episode Channel Nine had the lowest audience share in its sixty-year history.

HAQ: That’s a very cynical reading of the situation.

STACEY: By the time a panicking cast-your-votes voice-over-guy counted our contestants off the glacier, only 0.04% of television viewers were still tuned to Channel Nine.

HAQ: But if you look beyond these statistics you'll find that fully 100% of those tuned to Channel Nine were watching Pagan Idol. Which is the sort of ratings share that advertisers dream about.

STACEY: Haqqisaqq, thanks. Now back to our main story, after Dan with the weather.

DAN: The mercury continues to plummet all over the Parodopolis Sound area, with...

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