I've been reviewing my Ham-Boy stories lately & I recently reread this: The first Ham-Boy story. It's sort of time capsule of how my stories where like when I started writing for the Parodyverse (back in 2003).

Way back then I had the Librarian as a sort of Watcher type narrator for my stories. I don't have a lot of stories that use this gimmick but it was an idea I tried out but lost interest in.

Another "idea I lost interest in" was Earth Ranchburger, the planet I created & set all my early stories on. The name was in reference to how DC labels it's Earths & a name I used at the time to post stuff on another forum. The Earth & it's dimension was done with a way a year or two in my time here. Most of it's people are now forgotten.

Seen here is what I consider the Earth Ranchburger of Ham-Boy since he did not survive the destruction of his universe. Also, early on Ham-Boy was spelt without the hyphen. More behind the scenes stuff after the story.

One little writer's note: I've added some formatting & fixed some of the errors from the original story.

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Greetings for I am the Librarian! I sit up on the dark side of the Moon orbiting the planet Earth Ranchburger in the Moon Public Library or what I call the Watch Tower. I sit on the Cosmic Couch recording all. Here is a Tale of Earth Ranchburger.

The Librarian Presents: So you want to be a Super Hero?

Here is a story about a young man's quest to become a Super Hero.

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"Uh, Hello. Could you direct me to the Hall of Rightness?"

"It is in Kirby Park. Go three blocks that way and take a left at the Building with the giant Globe on top, and you should be able to see the Hall."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

This interchange was just between a random person on the street and Ryan Johnson, the would be hero known as Ham Boy. He is answering an ad in the paper that states The Rightness Guild of America is looking for new members, anyone with super powers could come to the open casting call. They are to come to the main offices of the RGA. Ryan thinks it's the Hall of Rightness. The headquarters of the RGA in beautiful Kirby Park. Therefore, Ryan decided to go to the casting call. Asks directions from a couple people. Most people did not answer him for he was in his Ham Boy Costume. He finally found the Park. Ryan takes a walk thought the park. Sees a man chasing a dog called "Chuck". Ryan or Ham Boy finally finds the Hall. The hall is gated, so Ham Boy presses the button for the intercom.

A pleasant female voice says "Greetings and welcome to the Hall Of Rightness, the headquarters of the Rightness Guild of America. Please state you reason for being here. "

"Uh, I am here for the Casting Call." Ham Boy said.

"Oh, That is across the Street in the basement of the Hoover Building." the woman said.

"But the ad said at the offices of the RGA, I thought it was the same the Headquarters."

"No, please go across the street unless you have a emergency."

"Oh, Ok. Bye." Ham Boy said as his walk away from the intercom.

Another person walked up and the woman did her thing. "Greetings and welcome to the Hall Of Rightness, the headquarters of the Rightness Guild of America. Please state you reason for being here."

"I have reason to believe that this planet in the next year we are going to be invaded by some thing from a different universe, it will use a inter-dimential bar to get here." The Man said

"What is you name, sir?" the woman said

"Well, I go by many names. Which one would you like?"

"How about a current one."

"They are all current. How about T.R."

"Ok, Mr. R. I am sending out some nice men with a strait jacket for you."

"Nooooooo. You must believe me. Someone named Membraine will invade us. Mr. Sock believes, why do not you and me?"

Ham boy have found the Hoover Building, in the lobby was a sign that read: Johnstein Bar Mitzvah 3:00 PM, Byrne Room. Spider Cult Secret Meeting 2:45 PM, Cult Room. RGA tryouts, 9:00 AM-5:00 PM, Basement.

Ham Boy looked around and found a sign that said basement and an arrow pointing down some stairs. Therefore, Ham Boy went goes down the stairs and there was a hallway with one door at the end. Ham Boy walked down the hallway and opened the Door. Behind that door, he found a waiting room with a bunch of people in costumes. He went to the desk.

"Hello." Ham Boy said.

"Hello, are you here for the tryouts for the RGA " The woman from behind the desk said.

"Yes, Miss..... uh.. Barrymore. " Ham Boy said as he said her name on a plaque on her desk.

"Here is a pencil and a application and a number, you are 665. Take a seat." Miss Barrymore said.

Ham Boy sat down between who he found out was Really Sort Of Strong Guy and Model Citizen, a very beautiful woman. Ham Boy filled out every part of the application from name to reason for wanted to be part of The RGA to if you get killed in action, who should we send you remains to. He looked over at Model Citizen's number, it was 496 and RSOSG's number was 545.

He asked, "How long have you being waiting?"

"Well I have been waiting for according to my watch three hours, ten minutes, fifteen seconds. " Said RSOSG.

"I have been wait for about three time pass that 12 on the wall. " Said Model Citizen.

"Oh." said Ham Boy.

The door opened and a person came out, crying and went on into the hallway, then a british man came out and said "Number 158."

Then a man with lots of weapons strapped to him, got up and walking the door. A half-hour later, he came out crying. The british man said "Number 159."

This went on for hours. He came out said a number, person goes in and comes out crying. Never anything different. It came to 5:00 pm; the british man said that we needed to come back tomorrow and that we could go upstairs and get a room. Ham Boy got a room with Model Citizen. What happened the night has been block form the sight of the Librarian but the morning, clothes were all over the room and Ham Boy and Model Citizen who started the night in two beds and ended it in one. They got dressed and went to the basement. The day started with Number 489. A couple hours later about 11:45 AM, Model Citizen, who Ham Boy found was named Heidi, got her turn, came out of the room, and ripped off the door to the hallway. She told Ham Boy that she would be in the room. It got to be about 3:00 pm and it was at Number 530, they closed the casting call early that day some of the judges had to go early. Therefore, Ham Boy went to his room and found it trashed and Heidi sitting in her underwear eating ice cream watching Spongebob Squarepants. That night they made hot sweaty Love, which was not block from me but should have. I have that recorded and put in the X Cubed section of the Library.

Ham Boy went down to the Casting Call a little late and they were at Number 544, Really Sort of Strong Guy was next and he was nervous. A person came out crying and the british man said "Number 545" Ham Boy Waited and RSOSG came out and ripped off both doors and of course, crying. Ham Boy fell asleep and woke up just in time to hear "Number 665." He got up, wiped off the drool, and went in to the casting call. In the casting call was a small room with a round table and on the wall behind the table was the Logo for the Rightness Squad of America, the Super team for the Golden Age of Superheroes. Where Ham Boy was at that moment was in the former headquarters of the RSA.

Ham Boy was told who his judges were. There were Patriot, current leader of the RGA and former member of the RSA. To him left was Mrs. Jones; secretary to the RGA and to her left was the british man who was named Simon. He told Ham Boy that many people think he is a rude, mean man but he is just looking for the best. Then they started the Audition.

"So... Ham Boy is it. Why do you think you deserve to be part of the RGA? You have one minute." Simon almost shouted.

"Well, I have really super useful powers. I have always wanted to be a superhero from the time I was a little baby and Nite Avenger saved my family. "

"But Nite Avenger is a Urban Legend, like Grey Eagle, A good cup of coffee, and Britney Spears." said Patriot.

"What are these 'Really Super Useful Powers' of yours. Can you show them?" Simon said smugly.

"I have the power of meat products. Do you have any meat products here?" Ham boy said.

"I have this ham sandwich?" Mrs. Jones said.

"That will do. Watch this. " Ham Boy said as the ham sandwich attacked Simon.

"I have never been more insulted in my life, you have a great power but not a RGA power." Simon said as he ripped the sandwich off him.

"I beg to differ, Simon. I think he has great potential. I give you a five." Patriot said as he held up a card with a five on it.

"I agree with Patriot, A 6 for you." Mrs. Jones said she held up a card with a six on it.

"I disagree." Simon holds a card with a two on it.

"That gives you a score of thirteen. You made it! Come to the Hall later for orientation. You are on RGA Team 45. If the main team and the other 44 are unable to fight, you get to fight." Patriot said as he shook Ham Boy's hand.

"I am now going to spray you with mace." Patriot said as he pulled out a spray bottle.

"WHY?" Ham Boy said.

"So, we scare the other applicants." Patriot said.

Spraying Ham Boy and saying "Now run, the door is right ahead of you."

Therefore, Ham Boy ran and the mace wore of in a couple minutes. He went back up to the room and found, the room clean and still Model Citizen in her underwear, eating ice cream, watching Sponge bob Square pants.

Ham Boy Said "Guess what?"

She Said "You got on the Team?"

"How did you know?” Ham Boy said a little puzzled.

"I am the team to but on RGA team 42." she said as she shovel move Ice cream into her mouth.

"I am on RGA Team 45! If you got on the team, why have you been sitting in your underwear, eating Ice cream and watching cartoons?" Ham Boy said.

"Well, I thought I was going to be on the main team. In addition, I ran out of clothes and the mini fridge is broken, so I am eating everything inside." Model Citizen said and shoveled the last of that carton of Ice Cream into her mouth.

"Want some?" She said as she was opening another carton.

"Oh, ok. Scoot over and pass a spoon. You know that they charge us for the stuff in the fridge." Ham Said as he took a bite.

"Yeah, So. We are now super heroes, we can afford it. HA HA HA HA, that Spongebob." Model Citizen said as she eats another spoon full.

"Yeah, we are super heroes. You know Simon. " Ham Boy said.

"Yeah."

"I attacked him with a Ham Sandwich."

"HA HA HA HA HA HA." They laughed as the sat there eating Ice Cream, watching Spongebob Squarepants.

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That Night They made More Hot Sweaty Love.

That is the end of this Tale, so says the Librarian.

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That's it. The first appearance of Ham Boy. It'll be another 3 or 4 versions before we get to the version currently in use.

Early in the story Ham Boy sees a man chasing after a dog, that is a reference to a story I wrote in High School, one of the few stories I had written before coming to the Parodyverse.

I make a cameo of sorts in the story. The man who has come to worn the RGA of an on coming invasion is Me. The invasion did happen in the story "Trouble with 2 Planets" it was written by Me & Scott. It featured a team-up between The RGA & The JBH. It's also the story were an early version of Chad & Ronnie pop up in.

I also reference Wayne's World 2 (one of my favorite movies) & American Idol.

Interesting enough this one of the few stories, maybe the only story, where I have people having sex.

The character name "Model Citizen" does show up again years later as a character in the Semi-Transparent Lad series. The character are almost completely different other then they are but attractive women.

That's all I got.

Hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane.