From the Parodiopolis Daily Trombone:
An Editorial
By J. Jonah Jerkson, Editor and Publisher

Glad Tidings of Comfort and Joy

This festive holiday season was slightly marred yesterday afternoon by the complaint of the Parodiopolis Tourist Board on the disappearance of the Parody Island Lighthouse. It seems that the peripatetic “Dimensional” Lighthouse that has been ping-ponging from Willington to the tip of Parody Island had become a major local tourist attraction. Apparently hundreds if not thousands of tourists daily consulted tide tables and almanacs to observe its sudden appearances. This in spite of the fact that it had been housing the questionably human Visionary and the unquestionably perilous Kerry Shephardson, whose mere presence had caused random, igneous cataclysms.

Note that the last sentence is written in past perfect tenses. The loss of a minor tourist attraction in the world’s most visit-worthy city is inconsequential against this season’s Good News: not only the Lighthouse but the entire menagerie of superpowered menaces, anthropomorphic kooks, deranged automatons, mystic muddleheads, mad and bad scientists, bizarre mutants, preposterous pantheons and cosmic holders of incomprehensible sinecures no longer plagues this city, which has been the prime focus of their destructive escapades for far too long. Not only that, but reports are that our salvation at this holy season has spread not only over our entire planet but also is surging out to the farthest reaches of the universe. Truly, if there was ever a moment to praise the Supreme Being for deliverance, that moment is now. The Daily Trombone plans to organize a city-wide service of thanksgiving as soon as the complete extinction of these warpings of reality is confirmed.

Note also this newspaper's hesitation. Our elation at the liberation of the planet, and yea, perhaps even the universe, is tempered only by our bitter experience that most of these mountebanks return, even from dimensional exile or death. There have already been rumors and leaks from Washington and other capitals that the existing array of protective agencies must be reinforced, either to combat the forces that have so generously rid us of these infestations of powered buffoons or to prevent the return of same. While caution no doubt is a sagacious response to these momentous changes, why on earth should we entrust our newfound peace to the agencies and individuals that so miserably failed to manage the so-called heroes and villains until now? It is time for the President-elect and his advisers to steer a new course away from the failures of the past and toward an effective defense against any future incursion of the abnormals to this country and the planet.

After more than a century of blood, sweat, tears, destruction and death, it is time for every government on this planet to dedicate itself to one, crystal-clear creed: THEY NEVER SHALL RETURN. May we all be blessed with the continuation of this restored world of human scale and human ambition only, and may the coming New Year be the culmination of all our righteous hopes.

J. Jonah Jerkson
VOICE OF THE PEOPLE

and not just mean old bigots.

[sotto voce] Even though we did have to combine a bunch of sections, lay off half the staff and use cheaper newsprint to offset the advertising loss. And dailytrombone.com isn't getting enough paying subscriptions. Would you have any suggestions to revitalize our digital offerings?

Note how we covered all the bases so that no matter what happens, the editorial is valid.

If the Normalverse persists, we endorsed it and took the lead on the thanksgiving service.

If the heroes prevail, we warned that was likely.

If the Big Bad prevails and attacks, we warned about that too.

If the alphabet agencies are once again inadequate, we urged their removal.

If they succeed in whatever they do, we can claim our criticism spurred them to better efforts.

Eat our words? Hah!