That Strange Blonde Girl Part 4


    Will Lewis’ home looked like a toy store.  It was unbelievably clean and neat, without a speck of dust anywhere.  One wall was lined with glass cases that showcased action figures and comic books featuring super-heroes.  Another with a large screen television, a computer, and a couple of video game systems, paired with a high-end audio system.  And then there were what looked like file cabinets, except they contained more comic books wrapped in plastic.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I know, geeky, right?”  he asked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Can I start calling you Will?”  Lara Night asked.  “And you can start calling me Lara?  It’s a little weird using last names if we’re visiting each other’s homes.”

    He shrugged.  “Yeah, okay.  But not in school.”

    Lara looked at the cabinets again, and she gradually began to feel safe enough to maybe tell this one person her secret.  At lower risk, at the very least, because he was into comic book super-heroes.  But she wasn’t completely sure yet.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Maybe I should quit school,”  she suggested.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why would you even say that?”  he asked.  “You’re doing great.  This is just one suspension.”

    She shook her head.  “I feel like my calling is elsewhere.”

    Now Will was confused.  He narrowed his eyes, and asked, “What calling?  What are you talking about?”

    By this point, Lara felt like she exhausted her cryptic references to her hidden power, and ran out of reasons not to show him.  She felt also that she had nothing to lose, since she had been suspended from school, her home was falling apart, and she had just threatened to drop out.  So she decided to show him.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“This,”  Lara said.

    She held her fingers up, hands apart, and blue electricity danced between them with a fierce crackle.  It only lasted a couple of seconds, but long enough to make her point.

    Without saying a word, Will grabbed both her hands and examined them.  He looked shocked when there was no injury, and when he didn’t find any kind of device to have caused the electricity.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I...I have a card,”  he said.  “Um...it was given to me by someone with...well, with different abilities, but who does his thing professionally.”

    He pulled out his wallet and dug through it.  “Ah-ha!”  he said.

    And the same massage parlor card that fell out at school hit the floor again.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I can explain that, by the way,”  he noted.

    She waved her hand.  “No need.  Just stop dropping it, you might lose it somewhere, and someone will find it.”

    He handed her a small, semi-transparent white business card.  It had no name on it, just a telephone number.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“The more I get to know you, the more fascinating you become,”  he commented.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Wait,”  she said, still holding the business card.  “You’d better not like me like me.  You could get in serious trouble.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“No, no.”  He looked away, and nervously ran his fingers through his hair.  “Look, I...don’t have that many friends, period.  And I have no female friends.  It’s a little weird for me too, but I feel like we communicate.  Like we knew each other in a past life, or something.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re like, nine years older than me.”  Lara noted.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I know, I know.  It’s weird, trying to be friends with a student.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Okay.”  Lara smiled slightly.  “I guess you’re kind of the only person that I can talk to for more than five minutes without wanting to vomit right now, so...friends is okay.  For now.”

    She held out her hand, and he shook it.  Then she smiled.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’ll think about calling this number,”  she said.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Don’t quit school just yet,”  he said.  “You deserve better.”

    She shrugged.  “Maybe you have that backwards.”


---


    Later that night, long after Lara got home and went to sleep, she had a dream.  This glowing being who looked a lot like her - blonde, with the same pale blue eyes, only much older - appeared.  This being in what looked like a glowing robe, who said her name was Shema, told Lara that she was about to reach her destiny.

    Lara opened her eyes, feeling a little groggy so she felt unsure, and Shema was still there.  In her bedroom, only glowing much less.  Lara’s heart started racing as the being floated to her, a foot or two off the floor, and touched her gently on the forehead.  And then she felt warm, calm, relaxed, and happy, like she was with a friend she had known for all eternity.

    With that touch, she also then knew that Shema was the being who granted her that taste of power that she had been afraid to show to anyone.  That she was a friend, not something to be terrified of.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I have unlocked your dormant power,”  Shema told her.  “You are now a part of me, and can now harness all of energy.  You are linked to energy, as well.”

    Lara looked down.  She was floating in the air, above the bed, and somehow she knew it wasn’t Shema causing it.  She was under her own power.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I have so many questions,”  Lara asked, as she felt her power fall back under her control, and she settled back into the bedsheets.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Of course you do,”  Shema replied, but before Lara could ask the first one, she was stopped.  “Unfortunately, Lara, you must answer a lot of those questions on your own.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why can’t you answer them for me?”  Lara asked, sitting up suddenly.  She was a little surprised Shema didn’t vanish already, if she meant to leave her with unanswered questions.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s not the question foremost in your mind,”  Shema pointed out.

    And the blonde glowing spirit was right.  Lara’s eyes saddened as she remembered the painful events of the last couple of days.  Her parents splitting up, her dad leaving.  Her mom having to work extra hours to make ends meet, leaving her alone most of the time.  The rejection in school.  The loneliness and sadness she felt.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why me?”  Lara finally asked, as she tried to fight back the beginnings of tears she had longed to let go for since the moment her dad left, but couldn’t.

    Shema gave her a smile that was part warmth, and part pity.  “Our universe is constantly in terrible danger.  I know your heart, Lara, and it is pure.  It is that purity of heart I need...so that you may pass judgement on those who seek to destroy, and harm.  And I trust your heart will temper that judgement with mercy that even I cannot anticipate.”

    Finally, Lara let go a few of those tears, and she sniffed a little.

    Then Shema’s voice softened.  “I know it’s a lot for you to bear right now, and I’m sorry you have to endure so much hardship.  But trust me, young Lara, you need this.  And you need it right now.  It will help you move on with your life, give you purpose again.  It will make you strong.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“How?”  she asked.  “I don’t think I can struggle to make a living, and then do this in my spare time.”  She glanced at one of the super-hero comic books she borrowed from Will.  She learned from them fast.

    Shema laughed.  “You are beautiful, and desirable, Lara.  You will be in the public eye.  Success and fame will come to you, all on its own.”

    With that, the being vanished into a gentle puff of haze.  But that didn’t feel like a sad moment for Lara, because she knew, she felt that she would see Shema again.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Linked to it,”  Lara whispered.  She whispered that, because she could now feel the connection to energy.  There was no way to equate the feeling with words.  She could feel...it was like a distant mysterious wafting scent, only it was an emotion, and it was from everywhere.  It made her curious, wondering what it would mean to her in the future.

    As Lara finally awakened fully, and dried her tears, she felt a new confidence.  She was powerful, she would be famous someday.  That was when she made up her mind to call the number on that card.


---


    Since she was suspended from school, time was not exactly something Lara was short of.  She used some of that spare time to make a phone call.  The phone call.  Her hands quivered slightly as she held the semi-transparent business card in one hand, and dialed her home’s phone with the other.

    She had nothing to fear, since she could felt she could protect herself from just about anyone.  But it wasn’t harm she was afraid of.  Rather it was the fear of an uncertain future.  That she would no longer be the Lara she knows.  Or that her life would change in ways she did not expect, or want.

    A male voice answered at the other end, and Lara suddenly became tongue tied.  She hung up, rather than embarrass herself with incoherent babbling.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is ridiculous,”  she told herself out loud.  “Just call the number, and say ‘Hi, I have this special power’.

    She wondered then if the number wasn’t any kind of super-hero organization, but was instead a mental hospital or social worker.  But as long as she was careful not to give them too much information, she would be safe from that.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Just call,”  she told herself again.  And then she dialed again, this time even more jittery than the first.

    There was a recording - the voice she heard at the first call was not a person.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“If you’ve been given this number, you are a very special person,”  the calming voice said.  “To discover just how special, I invite you to meet with me at the following address...”

    It said to go to a specific address.  This was all very mysterious so far.

    Feeling adventurous, or at least like she’d gotten deep into this enough to see it through, she wrote the address on the back of the business card, and called a taxi from her home.  The taxi arrived within half hour, giving Lara a chance to grab something to eat before she left.

    The taxi was driven by an older man who had an accent that sounded eastern European.  He was standing outside smoking when he greeted Lara.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Good morning, good morning,”  he said, twice in a heavy accent.  “Where to?”

    Lara handed him the business card.  He frowned.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I have never seen this address before,”  he said.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Me either,”  Lara admitted.  “Just...do your best, okay?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Will do.  I’m a professional!”  he said.  Then he put out the cigarette and got into the driver’s side.

    Lara got into the back and noted that talk radio was on.  At least that would save her the trouble of trying to make small talk.  The drive was made in silence, as the driver smoked and listened to the radio.  Though she didn’t listen to what was said too closely, the droning relaxed and distracted her.  It reminded her of chatter in the school cafeteria.

    The address she was taken to was a building set back from the street, with three sidewalks approaching it, but no parking lot.  It looked a bit like a museum, in that it was square and modern, and had no windows facing the road - just one pair of tall glass doors.  There was no sign, so she approached gingerly, not sure if it was the right place.

    As she approached, someone opened the door for her.  It was a security guard in a suit, a badge hanging over the suit jacket pocket.  She accepted his hospitality, and entered.

    Inside was a very small room.  It only had a chair and desk for the security guard, a marble floor, and wood paneled walls.  There were double doors directly across from the entrance, and a single door behind the guard’s desk.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Are you carrying any weapons?”  he asked as he used a metal detecting wand to scan her.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“No,”  she replied.

    He nodded.  “Head right through there.”  He pointed to the set of wooden double doors.

    Lara did as asked, and entered another empty white room, except this one had thin grey office carpet on the floor, and the ceiling was lower and lit with small spot accent lighting.  There were several bean bag chairs in the middle of the room, each a different color.  Between them was a Japanese style low table.

    A tall, dark blue suited man with greying hair entered through a small door at the opposite end of the room.  He was carrying an empty drinking glass.  He looked at Lara, and she could see he had ice blue colored eyes.  He then sat cross-legged in a blue bean bag chair, and placed the glass on the low table.  He didn’t have any shoes on.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sit, please,”  he offered.

    She ignored him, and remained standing instead, feeling far too uneasy to sit.  “I...I don’t even know why I called that number.  I think I made a mistake.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You called because somebody thought you were special,”  he said.  “What can you do?”

    Something about his overly calm demeanor set of alarms in her head.  She turned and headed back to the door.  “I...I should go.”

    Lara Night found the door to be locked.  And when she discovered that, she became furious.  She may have made a bad decision calling that number and coming alone, but she would not be held prisoner.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You let me out of here now, or I’ll hurt someone if I have to.”

    The tall man held his hand over the glass, so it was just above the opening.  The glass immediately filled with water, from bottom to top, out of thin air.  And the water was cold enough that it frosted the outside surface.  As he removed his hand, he asked, “Would you like a cool drink of water?”

    Lara took a couple of steps closer, hypnotized by the filled glass.  She realized then what he was.  She read about someone like him in one of the comic books she found at William’s house.  Someone who could make raw materials appear out of nowhere, and use it as tools or weapons.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re an elemental.  A...water elemental,”  she recognized.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I feel like you’re one too,”  he said.  “What’s your element?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“How do you feel what I am?”  she asked suspiciously.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m not only an elemental,”  he whispered, still not moving from the beanbag chair.  “I know you were recently suspended from school.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Because I’m here during the day,”  she shot back.  “Try again.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You’re hurting because your father left,”  he added.  Then he held up the glass of water, offering it to her again.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“That’s--”  Lara frowned, and shook her head in a mix of sadness, hurt, and anger.  “That’s low.  That’s really low.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m sorry,”  he replied.  “They just come to me like that.  I didn’t mean to upset you.”

    He took a remote from his pocket and clicked it.  The door made a gentle popping sound, indicating that it had been unlocked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“You can leave if you wish,”  he told her.  “But I would gamble your curiosity is stronger than that.”

    Lara glanced at the door, and then at him.

    And just then, she felt like this was a very big crossroads in her life.  Walk out the door, and be the same old Lara whose life was falling apart, screwing up school, mentoring a weird teacher, and probably never really know her true destiny and place in the universe.  

    Or she could set aside some of her privacy, and some of her pride, and maybe become something great.  Or possibly make an unbelievable fool of herself.  Either way, not leaving felt like what Shema wanted, the very reason she appeared.  It was a nudge, a little push in the right direction.  And walking through that door and leaving meant throwing it away.  Lara began to imagine how disappointed and depressed the glowing spirit would feel if she did that.  And she still felt very much that Shema would be a close and trusted friend.

    So she leveled her eyes to meet this elemental strangers’, and she simply said, “Electricity.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Electricity is energy,”  he replied, not missing a beat.  “The threads that bind the universe together.  You’re going to be really powerful someday.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“So?”  she asked, becoming defensive at exactly what he meant.  That he couldn’t let her leave?  That she had to be destroyed?

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m a little jealous.”  Finally, he smiled.  “I’m current leader of a small team.  We help out with problems that the usual authorities can’t handle.  We save people, fix things--”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“What’s it called?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“It...doesn’t really have a name,”  he said with a shrug.  “Without a name, we maintain anonymity.  How old are you?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Sixteen,”  she replied.  “If I join, what do I have to do?”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“We give you a device, in case we need to call you.  Everything else is optional.  We operate completely anonymously.  You can quit any time you choose.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why would you have such an organization?”  she asked.

    He smiled.  “You’re pretty smart, you ask a lot of questions most of us didn’t.  Originally we used to just be a small group, and we’d call each other up and work together once in a while.  As the group grew, that became...time prohibitive.  We spent more time calling each other and trying to coordinate than actually helping.  So we got this building, and a dispatch system to make it work better.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I don’t have to give you my name or address or anything?”  she asked.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“No, you choose an alias, and that’s what we call you.”  he said.  “We all have aliases.  We don’t share our real names.”

    The truth was, Lara reveled in the idea of actually doing something besides playing referee with her parents, being a cog in school, or mentor to a weird geeky teacher.  Maybe it was worth a try, if she could bail out any time she wished.

    But first, she had to try to be prudent, and not jump right into it.  “Let me think about it first,”  she said.

    He nodded, and rose to his feet.  “Come back any time,”  he said.  “We really can use someone like you.  You’re not like the rest of us.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I know, you said I was going to be powerful.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Not that,”  he replied.  “You’re inquisitive.  You’re a mystery solver, and a problem solver.  You can give us a desperately needed edge, help us outmaneuver and out-think some of the troublemakers we have to deal with.”

    Lara wondered if it was a good idea for him to admit to her that his organization was not very smart.  

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I wouldn’t say we’re not smart,”  he seemed to answer her thought, “But we all came from places where we were taught to think like soldiers.  You think like a rogue.  A pirate.  A rebel.”

    She wondered if the shower of compliments was what prompted her to lean more toward saying yes, if she was being manipulated.  But at the same time, ‘thinking like a pirate’, she really did have an edge.  She could turn on them when they least expected, and leave when she pleased.  At the same time, though, maybe it would be the only thing in her life that truly challenged her.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Give me a device,”  she said.

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I’m so glad to--”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“But,” she interrupted him, leaning toward him almost threateningly, “Don’t get too confident.  If you or anyone on your team try anything like locking me in here again, we’re finished.  And you’re all finished, too.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“Fair enough.”  he replied, seeming amused by her threat.  He motioned toward the single door he came out of.  “It’s time you had a tour.”


TO BE CONTINUED
    


-- Story written and copyrighted (C) 2012 by Jason Froikin, and may not be 
--    reprinted without permission.  
-- Chronicles of a New World and all characters therein are property of 
--    Strike Two and Jason Froikin.

This is a good piece of work or record, so I hold it to a higher standard than the usual stories here.

You're doing a good job here, but there were two parts of this story where I felt the narrative jumped ahead too quickly, like the DVD has suddenly gone to fast forward.

    Later that night, after Lara got home and went to sleep, she had a dream.  This glowing being who looked a lot like her - blonde, with the same pale blue eyes, only much older - appeared.  This being, who said her name was Shema, told Lara that she was about to reach her destiny.

    She opened her eyes, and Shema was still there, in her bedroom, only glowing much less. 

This is the first appearance of a MAJOR character and it's covered only in reported speech as a single context paragraph for the semi-waking scene that follows. If was was editor of this work I'd call on you to unpack that to be a scene in its own right, focussing on seeing Sheme for the first time from Lara's perspective and on Lara's emotional and intellectual responses. This is a key moment, and it sets up the punch of the semi-waking scene that follows when Lara's powers get unlocked.

Then we have another key meeting to set up:

    There was a recording.  It said to go to a specific address.  This was all very mysterious so far.

    Feeling adventurous, or at least like she’d gotten deep into this enough to see it through, she wrote the address on the back of the business card, and called a taxi from her home.

Minor point here, but it felt like pacing-wise it might have been good to hear the message and get a show-not-tell of Lara feeling adventurous. You do a good job of covering her other emotional progress in this scene, but it felt like this early minor beat was missing.

Now the actual meeting is the other major plot development and this scene was good, but it felt like there were bits that you wanted to get to so you skipped over some stuff so you could get the things burning in your imagination down in words. That leads to a few quick jumps, such as:

    The tall man held his hand over the glass, and it immediately filled with water cold enough to frost the outside surface.  “Would you like a drink of water?”

    Lara took a couple of steps closer, hypnotized by the filled glass.  She realized then what he was.  “You’re an elemental.  A water elemental.”

    Ã¢â‚¬Å“I feel like you’re one too,”  he said.  “What’s your element?”

In three paragraphs you hit the reader with three massive slams of plot-forwarding with no time to disgest each. Your story wants us to note three things:

1. Hey, this guy can make water appear in glasses! He's got powers too!

2. Lara somehow knows what this makes the guy, even though we've not really heard much about elementals yet.

3. The guy proclaims Lara is an elemental too! And it seems he's familiar enough with elementals to ask her about her element in much the same way as someone else might ask her birth-sign.

I'd recommend some reaction moments to each. The water-filling deserves a paragraph of its own, then a Lara reaction shot, then the guy's question about "Want water?"

Then we need some internal thought process for Lara as things click into place for her elemental revelations - perhaps a link back to the Shema meeting from the last scene?

Then we need the guy appraising her to offer his responses.

In other words, this important scene could be made more important yet in the readers minds with just a slightly more decompressed pacing.

The other thing that struck me as odd was that Lara had plenty of questions for this chap but never "What's your name." And after she discovers he's an elemental it goes right on to "Join our nameless team," She doesn't ask "Who else is on it? What do they do? Why do you need a team? Where do elementals come from? How many are there of us? How did you discover you could make water?" and a whole bunch of other queries from a girl who's depicted as whip-smart with an enquiring mind.

Even if the answer is "Tell you later when we trust you more" or something, it's reflect well on Lara to be depicted showing her smarts.

Now note I'm not slamming the story. I'm taking it seriously, because this could be your next novel. If and when you repackage it the things I've mentioned here are things you need to address in a beta-edit.

Since hardly anyone's reading it anyway I should be able to make some changes and sneak it in here without anyone noticing. I'll look into it this weekend.