Previously, on Pagan Idol:
two weeks to go
week zero
week one
week two
week three
week four
week five, part one
week five, part two
week six
week seven



WGMY 104.1
week eight


...and finally Libra. This is a great day to start a new project. Avoid molluscs. Later today you’ll find yourself singing the Muppet Show theme and won’t really know why. Your lucky colour today is vermillion and your lucky shape is a trapezoid. I’ve been Dan with today’s fortunes. It’s eight-seventeen. Stacey!

STACEY: What was that, Dan?

DAN: The, ah, fortunes, Stace.

STACEY: You did the time.

DAN: Yeah. I just thought -

STACEY: I do the time, Dan.

DAN: I just -

STACEY: It’s my show, Dan. My name on the giveaway mugs. I do the time.

DAN: Okay, sorry.

STACEY: Louder.

DAN: I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.

STACEY: Damn right. You’re listening to WGMY, serving the Greater Parody Sound area with news, culture and comment. Coming up, how Parodopolis Municipal Library’s overdue-book amnesty threw up some alarming surprises. But now, as you may have heard, it's eight-seventeen. With me is Haqqisaqq, Inuit god of vengeance and public relations.

HAQ: Good morning.

STACEY: Not so far. Haqqisaqq, you’re just back from the High Arctic, where you were recalled for a meeting of the Official Inuit Pantheon’s Guiding Council. How did that go?

HAQ: It was a valuable and productive multilateral touching of base, allowing clarification over a number of details and ranging across a variety of matters.

STACEY: But mostly Pagan Idol and its continued ratings misery.

HAQ: Let me be straight with you, Stacey. It is a tiny bit disappointing that the show’s ratings have not always matched up to what is in every other respect a very strong product. My own view, and the view the network takes, is that it’s just a blip.

STACEY: One long blip, or a series of eight weekly blips?

HAQ: All channels are finding this to be a time of retrenchment, for adjusting to the new broadcasting landscape. Channel Nine are to be praised for taking the long view in this case.

STACEY: Let me suggest an alternative analysis: they fear the fallout from pulling the show so late in its run could be even more damaging than letting it limp unwatched to the scheduled conclusion.

HAQ: Any seasoned media professional will tell you that shows of this nature always experience a huge ratings hike for the final episodes. The field is thinned, the personalities are more intense. The claws are out. With four episodes to go, Pagan Idol is entering the endgame, and the latest figures reflect that.

STACEY: So audience figures are up?

HAQ: Well...

STACEY: Holding steady, at least.

HAQ: What you have to understand is -

STACEY: They’re getting worse, but more slowly?

HAQ: It’s not quite as simple as that...

STACEY: It’s not much of an improvement if you have to take the third derivative.

HAQ: The numbers don’t lie, Stacey.

STACEY: Let’s talk about this week’s show. After the previous art task, you kept the intellectual bar set pretty high. The challenge for our budding Inuit deities was something called “embodiment of concept”.

HAQ: Yes, let me unpack that. The deities of any pantheon will each oversee a particular concept or aspect of life. We talk about our SGI, or Sphere of Godly Influence, and that’s what we mean when we say someone is “god of”. The modern pagan deity must be part patron saint, part cheerleader and part arbitrator for their sphere of influence, whether that be war or beauty or thunder.

STACEY: Or public relations.

HAQ: Exactly. But it goes further: the most successful deities don’t merely exercise authority over an area, they come to represent that concept in a wider context – they’re not just associated with an idea but synonymous with it. The public face, if you like.

STACEY: In the manner that – to pick a deity at random – chilly, deep-dwelling arch-traditionalist Sedna doesn’t just rule the ocean but represents all its unpredictable power; sometimes turbulent, sometimes placid, but ever able to destroy in an instant those who treat her without proper respect.

HAQ: That’s... that would be one example. One of many examples. So the challenge for the remaining contestants was twofold: first, to demonstrate commitment to their proposed Sphere, and second, to ensure contestant and concept are closely linked in the public mind.

STACEY: It was at this stage last year that eventual winner Steve, now Egyptian god of the all-day breakfast, first came to the judges’ notice by eating breakfast, like, all day. Would we again see one candidate emerge as clear favourite? As the acknowledged public face of public relations, I’d be interested to hear your own thoughts about how the six contestants approached their campaigns.

HAQ: I’d be glad to share the fruits of my experience.

STACEY: The episode got off to a flying start thanks to Brandii, candidate goddess of demanding to be the centre of attention. Even before the god Vaqquumpaaqq had finished explaining the task, Brandii launched into a sequence of tearful recriminations, triumphant whooping, tearful admissions, clumsy attempts to seduce the sound guy, tearful incoherence and a final door-slamming flounce back to her dressing-room.

HAQ: You could not wish for a better recap of her performance so far. Of all the contestants, Brandii was the one best-placed to fight this contest on track record alone. From the very first episode she’s picked up the Demanding ball and run with it.

STACEY: But the others weren’t going down without a fight. Let’s start with Hope, potential goddess of lentils. After an appearance on vegan cookery show Give Peas A Chance she took her Sphere of Godly Influence to the streets, serving the public with lentil-based dishes and extolling the virtues thereof. She impressed the shoppers of Pierce Heights by whipping up a tasty dhal. She was a huge hit at GMY’s mobile soup kitchen, pleased to be giving something back to her old home town. Hearts and minds, Haq?

HAQ: Social conscience can be a useful trait in a deity. Not essential. She won herself a few fans but I'm not sure she really rang that embodiment bell. We'll see where she goes from here.

STACEY: Oscar, candidate god of croutons, was more confrontational in his campaign. Taking his lead from a previous episode, he deployed hitherto unsuspected culinary and handicraft skills to dress up as an enormous crouton. He commandeered a derelict fountain in Off-Central Park, filling its concrete bowl with crinkly green bedsheets to suggest a similarly scaled-up Caesar salad. From this vantage point he shouted crouton-centric slogans through a bullhorn and showered passers-by with handfuls of sauteed bread. How well do you think he got his point across?

HAQ: Mixed feelings on this. On one level, the public were not quick to engage with his message.

STACEY: They seemed to be giving him a wide berth. Partly because of the shouting. Partly because of the hundreds of aggressive feral pigeons pecking away at his costume.

HAQ: But that’s the thing with a good old-fashioned publicity stunt. It has to be edgy, in-your-face stuff, with all the attendant risks.

STACEY: Such as the risk of one passing jogger having a life-threatening bread allergy.

HAQ: That was unfortunate.

STACEY: It was horrible. Her whole head just up, woomph, like a big blue watermelon. And the blotches. The gasping.

HAQ: But it played right into Oscar’s hands; from the outset, his strategy was to establish himself in the public imagination by creating a single arresting image.

STACEY: For me, that came when he did actually get arrested.

HAQ: But she declined to press charges, and she is recuperating well. In a very expensive hospital. In the long run, Oscar can only gain from this. PR is first about self-belief, and he’s got that in spades.

STACEY: If pigeons could take part in the phone-vote he’d be onto a winner. Meanwhile Letitia, the social entrepreneur turned candidate goddess of financial support for traditional handicrafts and sustainable cottage industries – that girl really needs an acronym – Letitia met with financiers, policy-makers and elected representatives to give a very detailed presentation, full of economic forecasts and costed proposals and graphs and things. Which I’m sure was worthwhile, just not very interesting television.

HAQ: Letitia is not one for spectacle. Her embodiment campaign was based on intellectual rigour and sound business sense; she knows her chosen Sphere inside out, and these influential people were taking her ideas seriously.

STACEY: A win for Letitia, adding goddess-level clout to her knowledge and contacts, could make a big difference to the economic future of the Inuit people.

HAQ: It could indeed. These are difficult times, especially for communities already living on the edge.

STACEY: Evicted contestants have claimed that Letitia receives preferential treatment, even coaching, from senior Pantheon figures. We saw her travelling between meetings in the luxury EskiMobile, normally reserved for full deities on official Pantheon business. What’s your response?

HAQ: Conspiracy theories and sour grapes. The EskiMobile was going in that direction anyway, and we figured why not carpool? That’s caring for the environment.

STACEY: Where was it going?

HAQ: Blanqqcheqq needed to, uh, pick up some dry cleaning.

STACEY: From Washington, Boston and Chicago.

HAQ: He’s very particular. Look, it’s true that a great many people are impressed with Letitia, including some within the Official Inuit Pantheon. There’s nothing controversial in that. But it’s a long road. There are four challenges still to go. And, of course, it’s all up to the viewers to decide.

STACEY: Of course. And then comes Felix. Ah, Felix. Still angling for a role as Inuit god of the actress Rosanna Arquette. He took us inside his room at deity bootcamp; pictures of the actress covering every wall, shelves groaning with scrapbooks, a laptop screening a loop of Pulp Fiction from which he’d deleted every scene not featuring Rosanna Arquette. Pride of place was a picture of Arquette hugging Whole Nine Yards co-star Matthew Perry. Closer inspection revealed an image of Felix’s own head crudely photoshopped over that of the latter. I’m not sure where to start with this.

HAQ: It’s a great strategy. He’s showing us the strength of his own convictions. For Felix, life itself is quite secondary to his Sphere of Godly Influence. He hopes to become indistinguishable from the concept through the sheer overpowering force and sincerity of his dedication.

STACEY: As evidenced by sprawling blog posts in which he analyses the sociohistorical impact of her seminal performances, from Lola in Repo Chick to “girl in commune” in the little-seen sequel to American Graffiti. But isn’t it true that Rosanna Arquette already has a well-established public face, that of the actress Rosanna Arquette?

HAQ: Perhaps, but she’s been in that role for a long time. Felix is fresh blood and zeal. If he can sustain this workrate, we could soon reach the stage where we can't see Rosanna without thinking “Felix”, nor see Felix without thinking “Rosanna”.

STACEY: That’s not the first word that occurs to me. Who was next? Alix, perky young candidate goddess of hamsters. She probably did something about hamsters, but I was busy looking up Rosanna Arquette on IMDb. I had no idea just how many of my favourite films she’d not been in.

HAQ: Alix kept it simple, as you’d expect. She led a low-key but positive campaign, distributing a zine called Hamsters Are Awesome!!!!!. I've got a copy here if you’d like to see it.

STACEY: That’s so sweet of you, to think I'm genuinely interested. And look, here’s her Top Ten Amazing Hamster Facts. Here's a Spot The Hamster puzzle.

HAQ: There’s also a jokes page and a connect-the-dots.

STACEY: Yeah, I’ll save that for later. And so we come full circle, for we must return to Brandii. In her push to become the public face of getting in the public’s face, she had the huge advantage of being the only contestant with meaningful name-recognition beyond the show. Mostly encountered in the context “oh stop being such a Brandii”. This round was hers to lose, and you’d forgive her for thinking she could take it easy.

HAQ: But you know Brandii. She’s not one to rest on her laurels.

STACEY: Not while she can shake them at a camera and vent her outrage at the standard of laurels she’s expected to put up with. After a long and uncharacteristic silence, she emerged from her room dressed to kill; I don’t think anyone was prepared for what happened next. A twelve-hour rampage, gatecrashing reality show production meetings all across town. Her histrionics, self-importance and total absence of shame made a huge impression, earning on-the-spot contracts for Organ Swap, Date My Dog, Pastry Chef Smackdown On Ice, Escape From Hasselhoff Island and Like OMG, opposite Jenni and/or Trudi Wooster.

HAQ: It was an absolute masterstroke. How better to demonstrate her commitment to making a shocking spectacle of herself than signing up for every reality show currently in development?

STACEY: Including Celebrity Bearstylist, And Then There Were Nuns, Shipwrecked With Imelda Marcos, Pimp My Fern and the long-running Jacuzzi Cops.

HAQ: I never miss an episode.

STACEY: Try harder. And now there’s a second wave, those shows created specifically as vehicles for Brandii’s unique, ah, qualities. We can look forward to Burgle My Grandparents, No Hair Au Pair, Jelly-wrestling Petsitters of Beverly Hills, Poke It With A Stick, Horse Court...

HAQ: Isn't she great? Such drive! Such vision! You see what I mean about the endgame, Stacey. With Brandii, we see the cream rising to the top. Nobody succeeds in this business by chance. You’ve got to want it, to show you really want it, and rewarding ambition is what Pagan Idol is all about.

STACEY: Of course, the only way Brandii could honour these commitments was by resigning from Pagan Idol with immediate effect. And in typically understated fashion, meaning one last clothes-rending strop in which she reduced her dressing-room to splinters and shrieked herself hoarse about working with amateurs.

HAQ: Dedication right to the end. She’s been a great competitor and we wish her every success.

STACEY: She was surely in with a chance of the big prize.

HAQ: Oh, definitely.

STACEY: And yet she saw public-nudity treasure hunt Streak And Ye Shall Find as a surer route to immortality than the deification you offered. What does that say for the current standing of the Inuit Pantheon?

HAQ: That’s a very cynical interpretation of events. In truth, this illustrates exactly what we’ve been saying all along: only one contestant can win the show, but even those who don’t scoop the big prize will still count it as a very special journey. Brandii used her Pagan Idol experience as a springboard into a new career, that’s a brave decision. It’s not the choice I would have made. But it was her choice, and we at Pagan Idol are fully behind her.

STACEY: What about her Inuit-baiting claim to be “bigger than Sedna now”?

HAQ: That’s between her and Sedna, who is more than able to represent herself.

STACEY: No response has yet been issued from Sedna’s undersea lair. But some good might still come of this; your longed-for audience hike seems a little closer. Because at this rate, next week’s Pagan Idol will be the only TV show in which Brandii doesn’t appear.

FADE TO STATIC

Now, if they could get Brandii, Jenni and Trudi all to costar in "Jacuzzi Cops", I think that would be just about all of the perfection that network television could handle.

Although Brandii might want to stay away from water until the Sedna thing is resolved.

Rosanna Arquette - I'd feel sorry for her but that would mean looking her up on the IMDb.


Only four more to go? Really? Look forward to the next.

What's the collective term for reality starlets? A shriek?

Ah, the power of the last-minute change of heart. Moments before posting, that line was an overcomplicated joke about John Travolta's centipede torment.